kayleezen

Experience, strength and hope. Your story is your story.

Bekindalways

You sound like you are in a good place London. Please take care of you and let us know how you do.

Have you tried an Alanon meeting? (Pardon me if you have already said.)

London393

Thanks BEKINDALWAYS - I actually am better (a HUGE part of that because of all the support I've found here!). Not 100% and all of it is still constantly on my mind, and I miss him every day, and I still have my weepy sad moments ... but compared to a week ago? I was feeling so lost.

I have attended one Al-Anon meeting so far. Tonight I attended my first CoDA meeting. Have had two sessions so far with a one on one counselor, my third tomorrow followed by another Al-Anon meeting later in the night. And to be perfectly honest I'm still not sure exactly what I need or where I should be. And I know I'll most likely never get the answers I want or fully understand what's happened or why or how this has happened, but I'm going to stay open to it all and keep exploring it all and keep trying to educate myself as best I can for the hope of at least learning a little, something to give me a little peace to all of this.

Everything is as it should be, right?

DontRemember

Wait and see,but DO NOT put your life on hold for the show. That's my advice as a "double winner" I'm only about 13-14mo sober, but would not expect someone to wait on me. I also never projected my feelings onto my ex or anyone else (snoring roommate?...whahh! poor thing..who put him in here?) when I was serious about getting better and working a solid program. He does not sound like he's in recovery at all to me. He sounds like he's re-configuring his 'chess pieces'. Just my opinion.

OpheliaKatz

I think that many cultures sell this idea that you meet someone, get married, have babies, and live happily ever after and you die surrounded by family. In reality, sometimes you meet someone, it doesn't work out because one or both of you have issues, you separate (or divorce), you meet someone again, rinse, repeat, you do or don't have children, who may or may not disappoint you, and when you die... no matter who is there, you may still feel afraid. I don't know... I've been thinking about this a lot -- the life I do have vs. the life I was planning with AH. It seems to me that this "hope" that you speak of... can't be for anyone other than yourself. I tried to hold hope for two people for years, and in the end, it was too heavy. I will say that taking his call is a pretty normal thing to want to do. If my AH called, I would probably pick up out of curiosity if nothing else, but it would be a bad idea... because what could come of it? It seems to me that this guy sticks a splice in you every time you have contact. You're a tree. He's tapping syrup. You don't get anything in return.

London393

I was never planning a life with an ABF. I met someone who I cared for deeply who I ultimately discovered to be sick, very sick. And no this hope isn't just for me. Ideally absolutely I did and do want a happy loving relationship but this now is what it is and right now my hope is he sticks with his program and gets better, and whether he does that or not is all up to him. Other than just from a curiosity what can possibly come of me accepting his calls? Communication (he's made the effort to display that the last two times he's reached out), compassion, understanding, a common peace between us with no bitterness, anger or expectations at all.

Looking at the bigger picture? Rather than just flat out no contact, cutting him out of my life just like that, dropping him and just "running for the hills", whether for a reason, season or lifetime my HOPE is that a good will ultimately come from all this.

OpheliaKatz

London, it took me a decade to come to where I am now. I am not going to judge whatever decision you or anyone makes regarding staying or leaving; but I will always be honest about what I think I would do in your situation... and I hope that it helps someone.

I might be misunderstanding something here, because I am not sure if I've read any of your other posts. If you have hope that you will be able to have a relationship with someone, you are planning some of your life with them. I guess I'm old or something, but life is short. Are you going to wait for him to become sober... ? Depending on his health, it could take a long time for sobriety to stick. Six months, 12 months. Two years. In the meantime, are you going to be there for him for that long? Relationships develop over time, become serious. Addiction recovery is serious work, difficult work. I agree with the posters who said that it's good to keep working on you... keep doing what you need to do to move forward in life. Depending on how serious your relationship was, this is not going to be easy (I mean, it's not easy for me... . I don't know about you, I'm making assumptions here. I was married, you see).

In this last call, he's made an effort to communicate about himself. You have compassion and understanding for him. However... I don't think he has the head space to think about anyone but himself right now. Being sober is, initially, a huge struggle. From reading the boards, there are many stories of addicts in early recovery who end their relationships because of this -- no room for anything but the steps, no room for work, relationships, parenting, or anything else. I am glad you don't have expectations -- that's protective.

Yes... some good might come from this. It may not be the good you are hoping for, nor the good that you deserve right now, but I think it will be the good that you need... eventually.

More will be revealed!

London393

I might be misunderstanding something here, because I am not sure if I've read any of your other posts. If you have hope that you will be able to have a relationship with someone, you are planning some of your life with them.

Thanks OpheliaKatz. Everything you say makes complete sense. I guess what I was trying to say is that when I first met him I didn't know he was an alcoholic. I didn't go into the relationship knowing it, deciding to deal with it. He hid it from me. After some craziness and us going our separate ways for a bit (in hindsight now I know it was because of the drinking!), he eventually came back to me almost a couple of months later to apologize to me, to admit and confess it was him and he was an alcoholic.

I actually just posted another thread just a bit ago. I decided to say good bye to him.

OpheliaKatz

London, this happened to me too. I think it's common for addicts to get into relationships without telling people they are addicts. Addiction is an embarrassing problem to have... and that's part of the problem with addiction, that people feel they can't talk about it because of the stigma. Anyone in active addiction should be working recovery, however, not getting into relationships. It's not your fault, you didn't know. It's good you know now.