^^^ Even if you wait one... two... three years to leave...



......

Even now with my husband in recovery, we have completely different views of events that happened... different "realities" we've lived through. I called police when I saw a danger to myself or others. He still doesn't understand this... and may never. His reality has been viewed through his brain, his experiences....

I know there is never an 'ideal' time, but not the same week. I will be a horrible person whether her mother was alive or not. I'm just horrible (I don;t think so, but she does).

Breaking the codependent cycle means that we set our own values and our own rules. A week or two of waiting will not change what will happen in the end. COD You are determined to end this marriage. She will have to live life on life's terms. When you are ready.

This kind of reminds me of exah and myself. 4 times I got to serving papers between 2009 and 2011. Every. single. time something happened to him that made me stop. His dad died first. Then it was one thing after another of stuff like him going in hospital seriously ill with alcohol related issues. I realised after that giving him "grace" to get his life sorted meant nothing to him cos even after we finally divorced in 2014 he still called me out for doing it cos of the stuff that had happened years previously. I wasted 5 years for nothing.

Stepping up in the face of adversity when the timing for others was bad... yet the timing for me was absolutely what I needed... strengthened me in HUGE ways.

COD....in your gentle and mannerly way, you have decided to wait. I respect that 100%, it is your decision!

I absolutely respect your gentleness, your kind and giving heart, the difficulties of all this.

The purpose and power in prayer has been, for me, leading me beyond what I or others "think" about any given moment or situation. :)

My suggestions in looking at this a bit differently here is from my experience in seeing a big change in my healing once I started taking actions I previously judged to be "harsh". Simply to open up the choice, the possibility, of doing things according to your original decisions does not make you any less of a caring, kind person.

We've got your back. Any and all decisions you make are all a part of a larger journey.... no wrong path, my friend. Simply new opportunities. :)

I think you're doing the right thing. Those papers will still be there. I was a mess when I lost my mom. The fact that there was an illness or time to prepare still doesn't change the loss you feel. Just don't let your AH wife use the loss to justify going nuts.

When my friend died, one of the hardest things I had to learn was that the world will pause for you, but it will not stop. You still have to bear your grief like a stone as you grit your teeth against every approaching obligation.

Some people react to death by conducting a serious re-evaluation of their own lives. Others react in extremely self-destructive ways such as driving themselves further into addiction or conducting an affair.

You need to be prepared for both. I do hope that your wife chooses face her problems head on. Perhaps her mum's death will bring upon a day of reckoning. Perhaps the mere suggestion that her mom could witness her behavior from the great beyond will be the first impulse towards a life without alcohol.

I also worry that she will act in a way that takes you and your son down with her. At the very least, I hope she's not teaching your son that the only way to face down adversity and loss is to guzzle down booze.

My most sincere condolences to your family.

I just lost my father in law and the pain is so great.

I think if your wife is like I was at my worst, everything will be a deflection of owning her own issues and her own ability to comprehend her addiction and its repercussions.

COD, I’m very sorry about your MIL. That’s sad and terrible no matter how you look at it. Your choice to hold back on serving was your own, made on your terms, so it was inherently the right thing. What you do going forward, if it’s on your terms, will also be the right thing.

Puzzled, what you said really resonated with me. When I became an alcoholic myself, I often pictured my mother looking down at me and shaking her head. The last thing she would have wanted was for me to end up swallowed up by addiction like her. Didn’t stop me... but it was a big factor in sobering up at 40. She died at 43, and I am pretty sure I was on track to do the same.

Hi COD,

How are *you* doing today?

One moment at a time. One breath at a time.

"Stepping up in the face of adversity", and kicking someone when they are already deep in grief, are two separate things.

I'm glad it worked for you

AW's mother was an addict as well - both to alcoholic, and in earlier life, drugs. AW told me one time, "Yes, I'm an alcoholic and I know what I'm doing to myself is very bad, but it's the only way I know how to deal with things." When AW's parents would visit, they always brough booze. Let's perpetuate the insanity

COD continue walking your path your way so that you can be proud of your behavior and what you model for your son. Take care of yourself and your precious son like you always have. You know what’s right for you both. Sorry for your loss.

Yep, that was my XH's parents. Always toted a case of beer in the back of the trunk when they would visit. It was utterly disgusting.

They also smelled. Really badly. I equated it to the alcohol seeping out of their pores. I am not kidding.

I think it's very telling your AW admits to be alcoholic and says what she is doing to herself is very bad--like there's some self-awareness while still being in denial the affect that one's alcoholism can have on those closest to the addict. Both in relation to herself and her mother.

I think only you know when the best time to leave will be. It is your decision and you should only follow through with it when the time is right for you. I do think it is kind of you to wait as your family has alot to deal with currently.

Wow COD you need to write that down and use it as an example of why you must leave the marriage and save your DS (let alone yourself). And in this thread is the first I’ve seen you post that she admits she’s an alcoholic, so none of what’s coming should be much of a surprise to her. But it WILL p*ss her off and set off her abusiveness and hatefulness to you. Stand strong.

How sad. It's a shame your AW cannot use that to stay away from alcohol instead. Sending prayers to you and your family COD.