Going home...
 

Hi, I need a bit of advice / other peoples perspective.

A bit of background. My mum is an alcoholic and has been for probably quite a long time but it’s gotten really bad the last 5-9 Years. She’s lost her driving license and her job - my dad is trying to seperate from her as he simply can’t cope any more - the lies, the meanness, everything.

I live in England but all my family are in Ireland and I am traveling home next week for 1 day - I’m a daddy’s girl anyway and never really seen eye to eye with my mum, anytime I’m home or they come to visit she does something to ruin the visit - I see it as attention seeking if I’m honest.

Next week when I am home I really want a day just me and my dad, he needs it, I need it - but I’m so worried she will do something stupid if we say we are going out for the day and that I want it to be just my dad and me.

I am so sick of trying to play happy families but am I being selfish? Will she do something? Should I just suck it up?

Any opinion or experiences are very welcome.

Welcome ID16. I'm glad you found us and I hope you find lots of support here.

I haven't been in your situation so can't really advise on this. I hope others pop in with some experience.

Also you might try posting on the Children of Alcoholics forum. They may have some more useful thoughts on this.

Hi, id56.
Welcome to SR.
Is your dad moving out?
Maybe things will take their course before you visit.

Yes, I would absolutely spend a day alone with dad! That is a very reasonable thing to want! Call him up and let him know you want some alone time with him. Think of a fun activity to do together. Do it! Then have lunch together! If your mom doesn’t like it, that’s her problem, not yours.

Does mom need to even know you are coming home. Just because she is an addict doesn't mean you can't say no to her. Come in town, have a day with your dad and tell her after word so she doesn't sabotage you.

(((Hugs)))

You have the birthright of being an individual person to enjoy the day at hand. If that means not involving your mother, that is okay to do. Whether your mother is doing well or not.

"Going No Contact is not an attempt to change a person or to teach them a lesson. If it were it wouldn't be "No Contact" but a bluff and an ill-advised one at that. Going No Contact is more about protecting yourself and letting go of the need or desire to change another person.

If you are experiencing recurring abuse as an adult you need to take responsibility that you may be 'enabling' or 'allowing' the abuse to recur to some extent. If the person with the personality disorder doesn't have the self control or capacity to stop abusing you, the only way to make it stop is to go NC. If you have grown up as a child of a personality disordered individual, it may always have been that way and that may have become a way of life for you. You may not realize that you have to make the choice to not be abused."

No Contact ? Out of the FOG

This link is in regards to personality disorders, yet many alcoholics suffer these issues while in their active disease, whether drinking or not. Alcoholism is a very self-centered disease.

Being actively self-ish of our own care CAN be a very good thing. It is very HEATHY to take care of our own needs first... mentally, physically and emotionally. In this, we can find an inner strength, playfulness and joy to share with others.