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Old 02-11-2018, 12:48 PM
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New here but not to SR

I stopped drinking 4 years ago and at the time my husband did as well, or so I thought. I found out the other day that he has been drinking all along.I feel as though the last 4 years have been a lie. He had been drinking on the hour ride home from work and apparently also drinking at home when I wasn't around. He claimed he wasn't drinking every day and would go months at a time without a drink. I'm so angry at myself for not realizing this sooner. I always thought I was someone that could pick up the scent of alcohol a mile away. Boy was I wrong. Over the last few days I have tried to come to grips with it, going so far as to telling him that if he was going to drink that he needed to do so at home and never drink and drive again. However, the more we talked about his drinking habits, the more I realized that he has a problem. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was when, in a moment of exasperation, I blurted out, "Maybe I should just start drinking again so that we can drink together, like we used to." I didn't mean it and am not really sure why I even said it as I have ZERO desire to drink. His response to that was "I'd really like that." I was floored. I could not believe my husband of over 30 years could be that selfish. I told him the next day that he needed to leave, that I couldn't do this anymore. He came back today, saying he wants to save our marriage and claims he's going to go to AA. I'm numb. He's going to be staying downstairs and we will coexist for the time being, but I don't know what our future holds. I just know that I'm still sober and plan to stay that way. Sorry for the novel - just wanted to introduce myself and look forward to getting to know everyone.
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Old 02-11-2018, 05:17 PM
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I'm so sorry. What a betrayal. Don't beat yourself up about not smelling it and noticing the signs. My AH can be really sneaky about covering tracks, and at times he must also think I'm a total moron. But I also wasn't looking for it until I felt like I "had" to look for it. I only smelled the vodka when I was pregnant.

I would like to say you should be proud of yourself for being sober, and I'm so glad you don't want to drink with him. I'm sorry for your hurting
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Old 02-11-2018, 09:54 PM
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Originally Posted by casinva View Post
The straw that broke the camel's back for me was when, in a moment of exasperation, I blurted out, "Maybe I should just start drinking again so that we can drink together, like we used to." I didn't mean it and am not really sure why I even said it as I have ZERO desire to drink. His response to that was "I'd really like that."
casinva, I can't imagine how painful this must have been.

Welcome to F&F, and I hope you can find some support and healing here.

Congratulations on maintaining your sobriety through all of this.
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Old 02-12-2018, 12:04 AM
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The lying is the worst part, the same thing happened to me over a month ago. He fell off the wagon and lied to my face. But this is what alcoholics do, we cannot expect that they will not do that. Take care of yourself, put the focus on yourself, go to Alanon, do what you have to do, he obviously doesn't think he has a problem. Sorry you are here.
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Old 02-12-2018, 08:56 AM
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This is where the rubber meets the road for me. I will not be lied to in any relationship. If that means I am alone forever, so be it. I don't think it's wrong to expect to be told the truth.

Originally Posted by Givenup2018 View Post
. But this is what alcoholics do, we cannot expect that they will not do that.
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Old 02-12-2018, 09:03 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
This is where the rubber meets the road for me. I will not be lied to in any relationship. If that means I am alone forever, so be it. I don't think it's wrong to expect to be told the truth.
Amen!

There are lots of addiction/codependent related reasons my marriage to AXH failed. But the most important one was the lack of trust. The lies.. oh the lies...I literally drove myself crazy because of his lies. You can't trust a liar and for the life of me I couldn't figure out how I was supposed to stay married to someone I couldn't trust. Such a brutally painful reality.
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Old 02-12-2018, 09:06 AM
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SmallButMighty....I completely agree. It breaks my heart when people come here trying to find ways to build trust back up. I did the same thing. It literally nearly gave me a nervous break. Thing is, there is never trusting someone who is not trust worthy.
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Old 02-12-2018, 04:22 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
SmallButMighty....I completely agree. It breaks my heart when people come here trying to find ways to build trust back up. I did the same thing. It literally nearly gave me a nervous break. Thing is, there is never trusting someone who is not trust worthy.
Itís hard for me because I once was where he is now. Iím not making excuses nor condoning his behavior. We have a long road ahead of us and I have no idea how itís going to turn out. Just have to take it one day at a time.
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Old 02-13-2018, 08:48 AM
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That is half the battle, so good for you! As a codependent, controlling person, I always thought I had to know what was going to happen in the future. The concept of the day at a time took me a very long time to embrace.


Originally Posted by casinva View Post
Itís hard for me because I once was where he is now. Iím not making excuses nor condoning his behavior. We have a long road ahead of us and I have no idea how itís going to turn out. Just have to take it one day at a time.
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