prodigal

I can't take it anymore. I don't have any money, very little furniture (most of the stuff in the house is his), I'm trying to get through school, and I'm waiting until Thanksgiving to find out if I'm going to get a pretty good job I just interviewed for. In the meantime, I'm stuck with this person who is so contemptuous of me. It's a struggle to just survive through the day with a crazy, unstable, messed-up person. Heck, I'm messed up, but at least I'm in counseling and doing my best to face my issues.

The latest b**ch of the week is "You're not making conversation at dinner. I'm from a CULTURE that discussed the day's issues AT DINNER - NOT BEFORE dinner." Sigh. So he's treats me like crap for a few days and then has a ROYAL attitude because I try to talk to him about general stuff before dinner instead of when "his highness" wants to talk - AT DINNER!!! So since I don't talk at dinner, he gets pissed off.

Yes, I understand it clearly. I'm not to cross the boundaries he's set for his alcoholism. Don't nag, argue, or show concern about it - that's not allowed. Don't talk when he's trying to cook dinner (like preparing a casserole is a real brain-strainer) because he's focused on preparing the dinner.

So here I sat tonight at dinner, and suddenly I realized my salad looked kinda weird. His was full of the stuff I like - different types of lettuce - and mine was pretty much barely edible iceberg lettuce cores. "I don't understand ... it must be the way I tossed the salad and divided it up in the bowls," responded his royal highness when I asked what was in the salad. Yeah, and the moon is made of cream cheese.

I want so desperately to get away from him and his incessant contempt towards me - the name calling, the false accusations, the put-downs, the sarcasm, telling me I have an "attitude."

Do any of you know what it's like when it gets so bad that every little thing is grounds for a world war? I mean, the tiniest thing of no significance can set someone off the wall. But it's not about those little things .... it's about a ton of other things that are never discussed, feelings that are never expressed, anger that's drowned in a bottle of booze.

I understand his feelings toward me because I feel confident in my belief that he married me to have a "good time." (And in his world, a good time means getting toasted and having TONS of sex or dressing me up like a Barbie-doll trophy or acting out dumb fantasies.) No love. Just sex, sex, and more sex - oh yeah - and let's not forget the booze - never forget the booze.

I have only been this depressed one other time in my life and at that time I swallowed down a bunch of pills with straight vodka. I just wanted to die because I hated my life so much and I couldn't live through it another day. I didn't die - but I sure slept for a long time. Feeling like this, I'm more frequently tempted to just take all the junk I have in the medicine cabinet (lots of Clonopin, BuSpar and Wellbutrin) and down it with enough booze that I don't have to wake up to another day of this man hating me and beating me down.

God, do I ever feel as if I was set up - even though he didn't realize he did it. The nicest guy in the world to me before we married, then as soon as the ceremony was over, little by little he started showing another side of himself to the point that now it's just hate, hate and more hate. It's been almost a year that he's been home from overseas and I feel as if I've lived a year in hell. I'm so alone and miserable and I just wish my mother was still alive so I could go put my head in her lap and just cry.

osier59

Go ahead and cry, Prodigal. It's good to do once in awhile, rather cleansing and cathartic. Imagine yourself in your mother's arms and let yourself cry.

Then try to find an Al Anon meeting somewhere nearby. You can call information and they can probably point you in the right direction.

I have lots of other things to say with regards to your A and his "boundaries" which sound a lot more like controlling, abusive RULES than boundaries... but all I will say for now is that we love you, we are here for you, and try to take things one day at a time.

Hugs and love
Barb

bikewench

Prodigal..

My heart goes out to you...

I'm sorry you feel so alone and dependant on an abusive man...
Mental cruelty... a pox on him.

I am praying that you get your great job and that you can turn his abuse away like water on a duck..
I'm sure your Mom is right beside you... willing you to be strong...

bjmt

prodigal...my heart goes out to you. Living in hell isn't easy!!! I have somewhat of the same stituation as you do. I am a bit older and am looking for a way out. My AH...has boundaries he's set for his alcoholism. Don't nag, argue, or show concern about it - that's not allowed. That goes for his smoking too! Not to mention how much he spends on his smokes and alcohol every week. At the present moment my AH is depressed...and won't go to work. He has no sick leave or annual leave left for this year. He gets 6 weeks annual leave a year and should have 3 weeks sick leave. Why his company keep him on...is beyond me!! Guess he must be good at his job..when he is there. He says he is depressed over the fact..he doesn't know where all his money is going and all the bills he owes. I have just landed a full-time job with a local hospital and AH doesn't want me taking it. He says the money isn't enough!!! Like this will help..with the bills!! Duh...where his thinking is going??? At least I won't have to sit at home with him ...while he is depressed and smoking and drinking.
Oh will quit quacking..and just let you know you aren't alone.
Big Hugs ((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))) to you! Keep posting.

bookworm

prodigal - I wish I could give you a big hug. Osier is right - this is abuse, pure and simple. It's an attempt to control you, your behaviour, your thinking. This individual...I won't call him a husband because he's hardly what I'd call a husband...is seeking to control you because he's so damned out of control himself. God, I can hear myself in your post - the resentment, the anger, the humiliation. I'm right there with you. I'm sure many of us have been there with you.

Well, if he's set boundaries, you have every right to start setting boundaries for yourself, too. Everyone deserves a little courtesy at least. If you haven't already, get hold of a copy of "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage" from the library, or buy a copy. It's a real must read for anyone involved with an alcoholic.
I'll be thinking of you
Sandra

GIDDY

my fiance used to do the same thing, the arguments were especially when he was agitated and wanted to get high, drink, smoke, run the streets. He thought if he could make me feel bad, then he would feel better/better than. and to them everything you do reminds them of how jacked up they are.
It's hard to deal with, but it gets easier. meditation worked for me. although meditating around an alchoholic is no easy job, especially when they are agitated.
i will pray for you.

Blondie

I'm sending out a big hug to you. A lot of us here understand how you are feeling and how painful it is. Counseling for yourself is a good first step that you can do for yourself. Al-anon can help too. If you join get a sponsor who can help you and will be just a phone call away (along with the people in the group) you can call when you are feeling really bad. Coming here helps too. Please, don't go it alone, there are many people out there that understand and can help you through this.

gelfling

Hi,

Time to start setting boundaries if you continue to live there. Your situation is insane. Actually scary. He's trying to control when you talk and about what. And he decides what you get to eat. Talk with your therapist about this situation. Tell her/him what you told us and get their advice.

This guy is a real control freak and it's not going to get any better. Look out for yourself and detach as much as possible.

blessings, Kathy

cwohio

prodigal - i hope you are able to get that job and start putting some plans into place. while you are there with him do listen to the suggestions above about meetings and getting involved in anything else that might interest you and get you out and away from this (excuse me) weenie! i've listened to cruel stuff on occasion but it sounds like it's a constant thing in your life. good luck and keep coming back - we're here to lean on and support you!

cwohio

hope2bhappy

I do not ordinarily advise people to leave their spouses, but I am worried about you. Even if you COULD handle all this emotional abuse and attempts at tearing down your self-esteem, it's so unhealthy for you. Over a period of time, your inner strength and self-worth will suffer.

I think he feels so bad about himself that he tries to tear you down to make himself feel more superior. Consciously or subconsciously, he wants you to fight with him. This way, he can blame you as his reason for drinking. Perhaps he wants to control YOU because he can't control his OWN life. Also, your success with school and a new job offer only fuel the fire. He's trying to take those successes away from you by tearing you down. If you react, he wins.

Don't get sucked in. You are doing very well for yourself, even if you can't see it right now. You are making a plan for yourself. Be proud and be strong.

Wanttobefree

Dear Prodigal, I know exactly how you feel. Hopetobehappy says everything I feel. I am sorry you are suffering. Dang it and dang him. I'll bet you he feels very threatened by your new independance and the marvelous job you did in school. Which is no excuse for his behaviour. Try to get some time alone, even if you have to go soak in the bathtub and do some uplifting reading. You don't have to make a decision right this minute. Don't let him win. (I know how hard it is, we start to believe everything they say about us.) I imagine in my mind, my AH as a giant boob with feet, walking around complaining about everything I have ever done, said, or acted. Fight the depression, as bad as it is, DON'T LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU MENTALLY. You're all you've got. Try and look at him as if he were a stranger treating you this way. It gives you a new perspective. You are in my prayers.