Subtle emotional abuse?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Subtle emotional abuse?
“Jokes” that were insults told with a laugh...
—If you gain weight, I’m out of here!
—You look like a really expensive hooker in that dress.
—Hey everybody (in a bar)! sailor’s got grey roots and needs to color her hair!
—Hey you (to another man, in a bar) Go tell Sailor she’s the oldest person in this entire bar!
—(after I say something) Be quiet, men are talking!
—(announces to the bar) I gotta go home, gotta see the old ball and chain!
Told as jokes, told with a laugh. When I told him they hurt my feelings, he said I have no sense of humor.
—If you gain weight, I’m out of here!
—You look like a really expensive hooker in that dress.
—Hey everybody (in a bar)! sailor’s got grey roots and needs to color her hair!
—Hey you (to another man, in a bar) Go tell Sailor she’s the oldest person in this entire bar!
—(after I say something) Be quiet, men are talking!
—(announces to the bar) I gotta go home, gotta see the old ball and chain!
Told as jokes, told with a laugh. When I told him they hurt my feelings, he said I have no sense of humor.
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Sailor.....it certainly IS emotional abuse.....and, not very subtle, at that ...in my opinion....It sounds like bullying to me.....very cruel....
Those who would do that to their partner are showing the world that they are very damaged, within themselves....and, are also, hanging with peers who are similarly damaged.....(birds of a feather, flock together).....
Those who would do that to their partner are showing the world that they are very damaged, within themselves....and, are also, hanging with peers who are similarly damaged.....(birds of a feather, flock together).....
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
I agree with RollTide (and RTR to you, Roll Tide!)
- - Those aren't jokes. That's just a person that is probably very insecure himself that THINKS he's funny. I'm sure the more he drinks, the funnier he thinks he is.
(PS - my roots are showing, too! I just say I'm working on a natural ombre')
- - Those aren't jokes. That's just a person that is probably very insecure himself that THINKS he's funny. I'm sure the more he drinks, the funnier he thinks he is.
(PS - my roots are showing, too! I just say I'm working on a natural ombre')
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 70
Reading those ... I'm mad for you. Can't help but think of a few witty responses back! Hmmm ...
"HEY! Look at the dude with the pot belly and big mouth. He thinks he's funny."
Not that its nice, but I couldn't resist.
(Plus, I'm mad at my AH right at this particular moment.)
"HEY! Look at the dude with the pot belly and big mouth. He thinks he's funny."
Not that its nice, but I couldn't resist.
(Plus, I'm mad at my AH right at this particular moment.)
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 3
This is emotional abuse. Speaking from experience, even though no single "joking" insult is necessarily grounds to end an otherwise solid relationship, the cumulative effect is a gradual erosion of your self esteem and eventual perception of yourself as inferior. It throws off the power balance in the relationship and becomes the primary decision-making factor in how you dress, what you say, how you conduct yourself, because who wants to be the butt of jokes like that? You start obsessing about how you can change yourself so he won't have any grounds to insult you, but you can never be perfect enough because it's not about you. It's about him needing to put you in your place because of his insecurities--maybe a fear you'd suddenly realize you're too good for him, so he needs to keep reminding you and everyone around you who might otherwise offer you support, that you're lucky he keeps you around despite all your obvious shortcomings. If you put up with these "subtle" insults, rest assured, he will be emboldened by your meekness, the behavior will have been reinforced, and the insults will go from tacky jokes at the bar to wound-you-to-your-very core jabs that will make your blood run cold. I hope that doesn't happen in your case, but if this is a newer relationship, no kids, etc., I would run for the hills or at least give him an ultimatum and stick to it. This does not get better, it gets much, much worse over time.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
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Originally Posted by Aspen16 
This is emotional abuse. Speaking from experience, even though no single "joking" insult is necessarily grounds to end an otherwise solid relationship, the cumulative effect is a gradual erosion of your self esteem and eventual perception of yourself as inferior. It throws off the power balance in the relationship and becomes the primary decision-making factor in how you dress, what you say, how you conduct yourself, because who wants to be the butt of jokes like that? You start obsessing about how you can change yourself so he won't have any grounds to insult you, but you can never be perfect enough because it's not about you. It's about him needing to put you in your place because of his insecurities--maybe a fear you'd suddenly realize you're too good for him, so he needs to keep reminding you and everyone around you who might otherwise offer you support, that you're lucky he keeps you around despite all your obvious shortcomings. If you put up with these "subtle" insults, rest assured, he will be emboldened by your meekness, the behavior will have been reinforced, and the insults will go from tacky jokes at the bar to wound-you-to-your-very core jabs that will make your blood run cold. I hope that doesn't happen in your case, but if this is a newer relationship, no kids, etc., I would run for the hills or at least give him an ultimatum and stick to it. This does not get better, it gets much, much worse over time.
WHAT SHE SAID!!!! Wow - eloquently said, Aspen!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Sailorgirl57
Told as jokes, told with a laugh. When I told him they hurt my feelings, he said I have no sense of humor.
I know someone who says, it's only funny if both people are laughing.
The comments so far cover it, so I have nothing to add except support. Sorry this happened to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Thank you Aspen and all of you. There’s something about sharing a hurt, actually putting it into words, and hearing non-judge mental support. Makes it easier to cut through the crap and not accept the blame for ABFs unacceptable actions. At first I kept wondering why I didn’t have a good sense of humor. Sheesh! Love and hugs to all of you!! ❤️❤️❤️
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Sailorgirl. Wouldn't you like to give yourself a chance to meet someone capable of being loving and who can make proper jokes (I.e. ones that everyone else finds funny, not just him).
You know, while you're with him, you're denying yourself the opportunity to spend time with pleasant and kind people, because they (sure as eggs are eggs) won't be joining him at the bar.
BB
You know, while you're with him, you're denying yourself the opportunity to spend time with pleasant and kind people, because they (sure as eggs are eggs) won't be joining him at the bar.
BB
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All/any abuse finds it's healing when we're able to step away from the normalization of it.
I grew up in a family where emotional and psychological abuse was subtle, direct, sneaky and relentless. The longer I've been away from them, the stronger and more aware I become.
I grew up in a family where emotional and psychological abuse was subtle, direct, sneaky and relentless. The longer I've been away from them, the stronger and more aware I become.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 3
"Jokes" at another's expense, especially someone you care about, are not funny, or jokes. They are a passive aggressive way to make the other person feel bad and doubt themselves. That's what is sounds like he is doing to you. My AB likes to tell me "funny stories" about his sexually flirtatious interactions with other women. If I don't laugh and I get upset, I am labeled as jealous, insecure, and with no sense of humor. Wow, our guys are a couple of comedians!! I'm finding it's always good to get a reality check from others, this can validate your feelings and help you to know you're not the crazy one. Take Care!!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Not judging or blaming at all.
Honestly asking, why are we so quick to think it’s something about us?
I used to feel this way when I was younger, that it was something lacking in ME, not him.
Believe me when I tell you that I have had my share of cruddy relationships.
But I don’t feel that way anymore.
Age and life experience have shown me my worth, and it’s good.
But, boy, it took a while.
Peace.
Honestly asking, why are we so quick to think it’s something about us?
I used to feel this way when I was younger, that it was something lacking in ME, not him.
Believe me when I tell you that I have had my share of cruddy relationships.
But I don’t feel that way anymore.
Age and life experience have shown me my worth, and it’s good.
But, boy, it took a while.
Peace.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Yeah it’s subtle alright. Not!
XAH was more along the lines of me not looking hookery enough for his liking. Gave me advice to wear tighter pants to work. Or show more cleavage at work. I always dressed tastefully, just never saw a need to parade all my assets, and his desire to dress me in tiny clothes in public was always strange to me.
He also loved to tell me “funny stories” about his exes. My favorite was
about his ex, allegedly performing a sexual act on her ex husband while he was driving and causing a traffic accident.
He still! mentions said people to me
Typical nasty narc addict passive aggressive BS
XAH was more along the lines of me not looking hookery enough for his liking. Gave me advice to wear tighter pants to work. Or show more cleavage at work. I always dressed tastefully, just never saw a need to parade all my assets, and his desire to dress me in tiny clothes in public was always strange to me.
He also loved to tell me “funny stories” about his exes. My favorite was
about his ex, allegedly performing a sexual act on her ex husband while he was driving and causing a traffic accident.
He still! mentions said people to me
Typical nasty narc addict passive aggressive BS
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 22
Ugh the subtle abuse is the worst because it literally does make you feel as though you’re going crazy. I always considered myself a fairly strong and independent person so at first I would snark up whenever my ex pulled any of these sneaky tactics (before I realised what he was doing) and then he’d turn it on me. The worse it got the angrier and more frustrated I became until he pushed me to crack, and boy did I crack! From that point he used my mental breakdown as evidence that I was crazy and broke up with me. We got back together after a while and sure enough it started happening again. Thank god for my friends who were on my team, they helped me to see what was going on and as a result I had the foresight to walk away this time instead of letting him drive me to the brink again. Always remember it’s not you, it’s them. Don’t let anyone trample your independent spirit!
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