Communication and Courtesy
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Communication and Courtesy
This is from the book The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, The Al Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc, New York 1988
A Key Word in Communication
This is the story of an Al Anon member who made an interesting discovery concerning one little word and what it did for her.
“After my husband became sober in AA, I spent the usual spell on the pink cloud we hear so much about. Although I’d had four years in Al Anon, my attitude might be summed up this way: “I’ve won this battle!”
“I had read all the literature. I rarely missed a meeting. Then why did it take so long, I wondered, for me to see the light? I have finally realized that I never even accepted Step One! I never released my tight grasp on the idea that my sole purpose was to win the battle with my husband and get him sober.
“Nobody could advise the newcomer better than I could. ‘Let go!’ I would tell her. ‘It isn’t your problem. He’s sick. You have to get over your own flaws of character and learn to let go.’
“I assumed, as so many wives do, that being married to a man put me in charge of him. I felt that he belonged to me and I would somehow make him conform to my way of thinking and living.
“I know now that he might have found help much sooner if I had only followed the advice I handed out so freely to others.
“So there I was, with a sober husband, triumphant on my pink cloud.
“Little by little, I discovered that I had not conquered him. I didn’t change my ways. I tried to tell him how many AA meetings to go to; I directed him in a thousand little ways in our daily lives. I resented his resistance, which grew stronger as he devoted himself to the AA program. And the more he resisted, the harder I fought.
“Our marriage, as such, had long since foundered on the rock of his alcoholism. I was naturally hoping that we’d get back to a normal way of living now that he was sober. But we didn’t. And I couldn’t understand why, because I had no real grasp of Al-Anon.”
“I blamed his coldness on his interest in women in his group; I grew more and more jealous and suspicious. I monitored his telephone calls, went through his pockets, followed him. Finally I became more frantic and emotionally disturbed than I was when he was drinking. Our rows became pitched battles, and after every one I felt greater despair over the situation.
A Key Word in Communication
This is the story of an Al Anon member who made an interesting discovery concerning one little word and what it did for her.
“After my husband became sober in AA, I spent the usual spell on the pink cloud we hear so much about. Although I’d had four years in Al Anon, my attitude might be summed up this way: “I’ve won this battle!”
“I had read all the literature. I rarely missed a meeting. Then why did it take so long, I wondered, for me to see the light? I have finally realized that I never even accepted Step One! I never released my tight grasp on the idea that my sole purpose was to win the battle with my husband and get him sober.
“Nobody could advise the newcomer better than I could. ‘Let go!’ I would tell her. ‘It isn’t your problem. He’s sick. You have to get over your own flaws of character and learn to let go.’
“I assumed, as so many wives do, that being married to a man put me in charge of him. I felt that he belonged to me and I would somehow make him conform to my way of thinking and living.
“I know now that he might have found help much sooner if I had only followed the advice I handed out so freely to others.
“So there I was, with a sober husband, triumphant on my pink cloud.
“Little by little, I discovered that I had not conquered him. I didn’t change my ways. I tried to tell him how many AA meetings to go to; I directed him in a thousand little ways in our daily lives. I resented his resistance, which grew stronger as he devoted himself to the AA program. And the more he resisted, the harder I fought.
“Our marriage, as such, had long since foundered on the rock of his alcoholism. I was naturally hoping that we’d get back to a normal way of living now that he was sober. But we didn’t. And I couldn’t understand why, because I had no real grasp of Al-Anon.”
“I blamed his coldness on his interest in women in his group; I grew more and more jealous and suspicious. I monitored his telephone calls, went through his pockets, followed him. Finally I became more frantic and emotionally disturbed than I was when he was drinking. Our rows became pitched battles, and after every one I felt greater despair over the situation.
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
“They talk about hitting bottom. I hit mine. I realized that getting him sober in AA was only the beginning: that something had to be done about me, and I had to do it. In my utter desperation, I turned to Al-Anon like a drowning person going down for the third time. Something opened my mind to insights I had never accepted before:
“First, that my husband was an individual, a distinctly separate person, a child of God—and not my property.
“Second, that my domineering was destroying our relationship, if it had not already been destroyed beyond saving.
“Third, that I would approach my problem very simply and leave the results in God’s hands, where it had always belonged.
“I did it with a single word: courtesy.
“People with usually good dispositions have no difficulty being courteous to strangers and friends. It is when our strong emotions are involved that we swing to the limits of the pendulum—extremes of demonstrating affection or disapproval. We are so deeply involved that we treat those closest to us as though they were part of us; when they do things that do not please us, we fight them instead of fighting our own shortcomings.
“Keeping in mind the one word ‘courtesy’ helped to remind me that my husband is other things besides a husband. He is a man, a person, an individual; he is a man who does a job, earns a living. He is a helping hand to troubled people in AA. He is a person whose life experience is totally different from mine; he has a mind, a soul, a set of emotions—unique in every way. He is a person to be respected, to be considerate of, to treat always with courtesy.
“From my observation of many marriages, even quite happy ones, there is very little real courtesy, that deference which we owe to every human being, and particularly to those we love. There may be intimacy, togetherness, but what you rarely find is this particular, un-smothering attitude of courtesy.
“It seems like such a little thing, but it worked for me in changing my whole viewpoint about my husband and our marriage. The thought came to me at the time of my greatest need, when a friend lent me a book, THE PROPHET, by Kahlil Gibran, in which he speaks of marriage in this way:
‘Let there be spaces in your togetherness. Love one another, but make not a bond of love. Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf.’
“I have learned that courtesy generates courtesy. It makes you more pleased with yourself. It makes others, particularly those near to you, reconsider their own attitudes.
“It has worked for me. It may work for you if you have the goodwill and patience to try it.”
The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage. Al Anon Family Headquarters, Inc. New York 1988 pp 33-37
“First, that my husband was an individual, a distinctly separate person, a child of God—and not my property.
“Second, that my domineering was destroying our relationship, if it had not already been destroyed beyond saving.
“Third, that I would approach my problem very simply and leave the results in God’s hands, where it had always belonged.
“I did it with a single word: courtesy.
“People with usually good dispositions have no difficulty being courteous to strangers and friends. It is when our strong emotions are involved that we swing to the limits of the pendulum—extremes of demonstrating affection or disapproval. We are so deeply involved that we treat those closest to us as though they were part of us; when they do things that do not please us, we fight them instead of fighting our own shortcomings.
“Keeping in mind the one word ‘courtesy’ helped to remind me that my husband is other things besides a husband. He is a man, a person, an individual; he is a man who does a job, earns a living. He is a helping hand to troubled people in AA. He is a person whose life experience is totally different from mine; he has a mind, a soul, a set of emotions—unique in every way. He is a person to be respected, to be considerate of, to treat always with courtesy.
“From my observation of many marriages, even quite happy ones, there is very little real courtesy, that deference which we owe to every human being, and particularly to those we love. There may be intimacy, togetherness, but what you rarely find is this particular, un-smothering attitude of courtesy.
“It seems like such a little thing, but it worked for me in changing my whole viewpoint about my husband and our marriage. The thought came to me at the time of my greatest need, when a friend lent me a book, THE PROPHET, by Kahlil Gibran, in which he speaks of marriage in this way:
‘Let there be spaces in your togetherness. Love one another, but make not a bond of love. Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf.’
“I have learned that courtesy generates courtesy. It makes you more pleased with yourself. It makes others, particularly those near to you, reconsider their own attitudes.
“It has worked for me. It may work for you if you have the goodwill and patience to try it.”
The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage. Al Anon Family Headquarters, Inc. New York 1988 pp 33-37
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
The Prophet is one of my favorite books.
Recovery is an individual decision for each person, whether alcoholic or family. When I realized that no matter how much I controlled others, it wouldn't make me ok, I finally realized that I needed to change my views. Recovery is an inside job.
Thanks for the reading. Hugs, Magic
Recovery is an individual decision for each person, whether alcoholic or family. When I realized that no matter how much I controlled others, it wouldn't make me ok, I finally realized that I needed to change my views. Recovery is an inside job.
Thanks for the reading. Hugs, Magic
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
