dandylion

London.....I think that reading "Co-Dependent No More" will resonate a lot with you...good idea to read it. It is very highly recommended, around here...

In addition, I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....
There are enough for you to read one, every single day...lol...

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

You are grieving, right now, as you feel that you have lost the relationship....this is understandable, and it is very painful.
It will go on for a while....because we always grieve when we have lost something that we have invested a lot of ourselves into.....
AA and alanon are there to help you with navigating through this....
some people on this forum have said that they attended an alanon and AA every day, in the beginning....
getting a therapist is also, very helpful, because it will help you address personal aspects that may not be addressed in the meetings....
You will have to work on yourself as hard as he needs to work on himself.
Give both of you the space to do this....
All is NOT lost...you have a long life in front of you...and, it is up to you how you will live it....(not him)....

In short.....these are the things that will help you through this initial pain......
1. AA and alanon
2. A personal therapist
3. Reading all the articles in our extensive library
4. Reading "Co-Dependent No More"
5. allowing yourself to cry as much as you need to

As much as you don't want to...you will need to soldier through the short-term pain to get to the long-term gain....

London393

I just don't understand. And all I want is to even have just a little bit of understanding. Reading around the forums and threads I've seen where plenty of other relationships were sustained and survived (tho not easily). Why is it then I was pushed away? Initially harshly, but after some brief communication I don't feel that it was so harsh anymore -- he was just overwhelmed and that's how he did it but he's come back since to more explain. But I'm still pushed away. I'm still just suddenly cut out of his life after everything we had been thru, letting him try to work thru his issues, being there when I can. What is it about me that now I'm suddenly just "kicked to the curb". Dropkicked, suddenly just had the door shut on me. Why am I suddenly just "shut out".

nez

You saw what alcohol did to someone you love and you didn't like it; but yet somehow you thought alcohol would be a good solution for the way you feel. That is a glimpse into the insanity of alcoholism. The good news is that you don't have to pursue into the gates of hell. Quit and use this experience as a lesson for the heightened empathy moving forward.

excerpt from Prayer of St. Francis

London393

I started listening to "Co-Dependent No More" last night. And thank you but I don't see the link.

dandylion

London...the link is near the top of my last post to you....
It is below the second short paragraph....
Just click on it......
Let me know if you still can't find it....

Clover71

Painful feeling. The drinking wasn't about you and neither is this. If you read around, you'll see that many wives and girlfriends feel they are "shut out". No offense to the recovering people who lurk here, but the A's in my life were selfish while drinking and one was terribly selfish during recovery, and especially early on. He did come back and explain it better which is good.

You have to somehow find your own program and embrace it - find you again. You know drinking doesn't help. If it did your BF would be the happiest person on the planet as would you after a week of drinking. It's a bad path to take, and it can quickly spiral.

Have you considered making an appointment with your GP and a counselor? Perhaps since you are so depressed some med might help level you off fa bit so your thoughts aren't all over the place

London393

Thanks Clover. I've been surfing around trying to look into different things, therapy, counseling, someone to talk to, I even called a counselor at the sober living program he's in because I saw they do an educational series of classes and programs. Just don't/didn't know where to start. Just surfing around the internet desperately looking for guidance, any help I can get to understand why this is happening this way and that's how I came across this site which I am truly grateful and thankful for including all of you who have responded and reached out. It's a good start.

I'm afraid of the idea of meds. Tho alcohol hasn't been a problem in my life until it comes to times like this when I'm just so lost, depressed, and feeling shattered and not knowing what to do ... I do know I have an addictive tendencies. Reaching for the wine when I'm like this is bad enough. I don't want to start throwing pills into the mix.

Clover71

I would start with your GP and be completely honest. When prescribed as they should be, anxiety and ant depression meds can work. I would be more afraid of the booze. I'm sure the GP can recommend a good counselor for your own situation.

Go to a meeting and then go to the coffee shop and sit and relax and have something fluffy or some warm tea.

dandylion

London...Alcoholics are notoriously unable to deal with the responsibilities and demands of relationships. They can barely get through, day to day, and take care of themselves! It takes a long time to get into genuine, long-lasting recovery.....They have to make sobriety their first priority, and work an intense diligent program......the stress of trying to live up to a relationship tends to take their focus off of their most important job----recovery....

Genuine recovery takes more than just a stint in rehab...but, it can be a good start. Early recovery stage is about 1-2years...and, many say that it is longer....

teatreeoil007

London, others have given such great answers, I don't know that I can add much, but I do understand that feeling of wanting to escape pain and just "feel good" if only for a spell....it's so very temporary. I am a co-dependent first and recoverer second. My co-dependency didn't get dealt with and I turned to alcohol too. There will always be a "reason" to drink. My dad died, my dog died, I'm stressed out, so and so drives me nuts.. .always be a reason. I had to take alcohol off my table of coping mechanisms.

I also had to take a long look at how to deal with emotional pain. Pain is a warning. You touch something hot, it hurts, you pull your hand away before it gets worse. Emotional pain can cause us to "pull away" or try to numb...however, we almost need to do the opposite of that and face the pain and deal with it rather than escape it. And it's gonna involve some grieving processes.

London393

I went to first Al-anon meeting just now and I have to admit I don't think it's for me. I would sort of equate it to a "bible study/AA Steps class". I thought it was more about conversations amongst ourselves with our different experiences (sorta' like on this board).

NYCDoglvr

That's right: 2500 meetings per week!

SparkleKitty

Try several different meeting — at least six — before you decide whether or not Al-Anon is for you. Sometimes help doesn’t look the way we think it will.

Clover71

Yes this!

I found that after awhile I ignored the things that felt uncomfortable to me, and took away a great deal of things that did help like that one thing that someone said that really resonates with you. Give it a chance.

amy55

Hi London, wanted to stop by and welcome you to this forum.

When I joined Sober Recovery, I joined the newcomers forum. I'm an alcoholic.

I remember the days, months, and years feeling the way that you do now. I also drank to get rid of those feelings. The thing is, I stayed trapped in a prison of my own making for many, many years longer then I should have.

I set my own trap for myself. I thought I could change my ex, (we were married for 25 years), I couldn't. So instead I would have pity parties for myself and wallow in my own self pity. I would get drunk. It never worked. Sure, while I was drinking I was coming up with all of these terrific plans to make myself better and my life better, problem is, I was drunk, and the next day I was hungover. So, I was never taking any action for myself. I was just stuck in a spiraling down cycle of being depressed and trying to control someone else's life so that I could feel better. I was expecting the person that hurt me the worse to make me feel better.

I had a lot of self examination that I needed to do. Why would I give my heart, soul and life to someone who treated me with no respect, treated me with contempt, at times, treated me like I didn't even exist?

I remember on some blog that at read at one time, it was about everyone has a "well" inside themselves. It said something about always keeping your own "well" at least 3/4 filled. That you can give some people part of your "well", but you also need to fill your own "well". I realized that I was emptying my own "well", to someone who was not reciprocating. I had nothing left in my own "well" to give to someone else, and there was nothing left in that "well" for myself. I felt empty and alone, and like no one could ever love me. Thing is, I needed to learn how to love myself. I did that.

You found a great community to join here, I learned so much from here. I learned how to handle stress, and how to love myself again. I hope you have the same experience here.

You are a terrific, caring person. I am asking you to share that person that you are with yourself right now.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy