hummingbird358

Since they are together total of6 years- living together for 2 She knows his selfish, controlling and manipulative ways.
She feels telling him just a day or two before she leaves is best because she fears for her reaction whether it be turning to drinking, suicide or hurting her.

Part of me agrees, but part of me hurts that he won't even be given that chance to change. She said he will never change it has been too long.

She told me "Its not that I want out but that I need to look out for myself but I am not giving up." Have no clue what that means. Sounds like the door may be open.

I do understand her. He takes advantage of her buy expecting her to take him places since he doesn't drive, she buys the groceries, etc. All these things now will be on him. Trying to get to the doctor, hair cut, grocery store, etc. will all be calling an uber now.

I feel he should have a heads up but she fears he would destroy things or hurt her if he turns to drinking so waiting until he doesn't have a chance to change is her plan.

Last night he text me about moving to a new position at work. He is working hard to make a way for himself at this place and to move to a new position with less stress.

honeypig

Removed my post--I read two other threads and it looks to me like you are looking for different answers from what you've already gotten. My answer would NOT have been different, hence I removed my post.

To quote a wise SR member, "sometimes it's not that you have a problem w/no answer, you just have an answer that you don't like."

SparkleKitty

Part of adulting is learning how to handle all aspects of a relationship, including the ending, without interference from one's parents or anyone else. If you never allow him the dignity of figuring this out on his own, he will continue to have the same relationship--and the same problems--over and over again.

Life happens. People break up with us before we're ready or when we're not prepared. If he becomes suicidal over it, dial 911 and let trained professionals handle the problem.

If you really want to help someone, make sure his girlfriend has the number for the Domestic Violence hotline so she can get some help getting away from someone she fears will destroy her things or hurt her if she leaves.

suki44883

It isn't your responsibility to prepare him for anything. He needs to learn to live life on life's terms. It doesn't sound like the girlfriend is all that stable either. Leaves, comes back, etc.

As long as there is someone there to put a pillow under him when he falls, he will never learn to take care of himself. This isn't a six year old child...he is a grown man. No one is doing him any favors by shielding him from life. What would become of him if something happened to you?

maia1234

HB,
We feel your concern, that you feel for him. You have to understand, you have not walked in the girl friends shoes. You probably don't know the "abuse" she has lived with under his roof. She is sharing this with you and not your son because she fears "something", you have to respect her. She knows your son better then you do for being together that long. There are many spouses on this forum that need to make a "calculated" escape. They take time, work out the details and then leave, It is for their safety. Please do not jeopardize her safety in anyway by telling your son anything of her plan.

Please support her decision, have her seek help through a therapist, or open aa meeting or alanon. She sounds like an amazing women that has put up with a lot of abuse, for a long time. I am sure he has been given him more then enough chances to "change". She has just not shared "her truth" with you. Your son is not the victim here, he lost his privileged to drive and it is no one elses responsibility to take care of him. I know you don't see this, but maybe this is his chance to grow up. When someone stops "helping" the addict they have to deal with their life as is. Just maybe this will be his time to recognize that he has screwed up again by losing someone who loved him a lot and now she is gone. or maybe not......

Please do not blame the victim in this relationship. Step back, support her in anyway you can, and love them both. You want both of them to be well. Keep posting, and venting and get out of their way. This is not your responsibility but to be an ear to her pain. Hugs and pray that they both will be well.

hearthealth

Hummingbird, He's had two to six years to change. Step back, What would you tell a stranger to do?

hearthealth

This means I care for your son but I'm DONE. She sounds a lot like me though I keep getting sucked back in.

Maudcat

I know you are worried, hummingbird, and fear he may turn to harming himself or suicide when she leaves.
I don’t know anything you can do, short of flying out there and being there when it all comes down.
I really don’t recommend that, as their relationship is between them, and I’m not sure what you being there would do.
This is a very difficult situation.
However, we can’t know what will happen in future. It sounds awful, but perhaps this action could be the game changer for him.
Try not to worry.

SmallButMighty

It's weird to me the girlfriend would reach out five months in advance to her boyfriend's mother. I get making plans for a safe exit, I really do.... but telling HIS mom?.... Even if she has best intentions, getting HIS mother involved months in advance seems fishy...

If my husband and parents ( and god knows who else) schemed behind my back about what they all thought was best for me (for months!)... I'd be furious with all of them. I'd never trust any of them ever again. Maybe that's just me.

Sleepyhollo

It sounds like he has been given a few chances to change to no avail. He's taking advantage of her because she is his chauffeur and buys groceries and gets him to appointments? You're right, it is time for him to grow up and be an adult. I applaud her for finally putting an end to it for her. Why should she give him notice? It sounds like you want a babysitter for your son. And I understand he is your son but why should she continue to put up with his shenanigans just so she can take care of him so he doesn't become suicidal? That's codependence and she is ready to be done with it. Your son is an adult and had choices. If his choice is to continue to drink there is nothing anyone could do for him. If he choses sobriety then be there for him for moral support but it would still be something HE has to do on his own. I understand it is hard to see your kid (or anyone for that matter) going through this self destructive behavior and that it is hard to let go. That's why most of us have stayed in our relationships longer than we should have because it was so hard to let go and we thought we could help whereas in reality all we did was enable the dysfucntional behavior and damage our own selves in the process. Be glad there are no kids involved.
And you're gonna get the same answers no matter how often your post. We're all here to be supportive but sometimes that support is the hard truth which can be hard to swallow and accept. It is up to you what you do with the advice. Have you sought help for yourself through alanon or an addiction counselor. If not I highly recommend it. And honestly if I was your sons GF i would stop talking to you at this point because if not there is a chance she is gonna change she mind and stay after all and continue the dysfunction. Unless an add it wants to change, no one can do anything for them. And sometimes yes, that results in a bad outcome . But it is not up to your son's girlfriend to prevent that from happening because she can't. Addiction is a progressive disease and it will only get worse, the longer the GF stays the more he will lose herself. She has gotta look out for herself and good for her for figuring this out before marriage and kids. I'm sorry to be harsh but sometimes the truth hurts

Ladybird579

I am not sure why you are making any of this your business Hummingbird. Your son is an adult, not a child. As an aside why are you hurt "she is not giving him a chance to change"? From what you have said he has had plenty of chances. It's not her job to fix him or yours.

tomsteve

telling him isnt preparing him. think about it- hes going to hear it. hes going to react NO MATTER WHEN HE IS TOLD.
please respect the girlfriend here and allow her make the decision of when he's told.

when i was drinking, babying me and carrying me only helped dig my grave.

Bekindalways

Heya Hummingbird, the relationship and your son's drinking is not on your-side-of-the-street.

Your son doesn't sound ready to quit drinking, although if you and his girlfriend both leave him to it, he might have a better chance of stopping. However it doesn't sound like you are ready to let go anymore than he is ready to stop drinking. I remember you saying Alanon wasn't for you; I imagine none of the suggestions on this thread are for you either.

Wishing you the best in whatever you do. It must be beyond excruciatingly painful.

hearthealth

It sounds like you have a special relationship with her and she trusted you.

SmallButMighty

Maybe.

I'm not the mother-in-law in question here... but, I think it's pretty crappy of the young woman to upset Hummingbird1094 months in advance. Maybe she just doesn't know better, maybe she's protecting herself, maybe she thinks she is helping, maybe she's being manipulative... obviously I don't know... I just can't see a healthy reason for telling her half a year in advance.

At any rate, June is sill a long ways off, lots of time to step back and breathe. Maybe new choices will come to light.

I still think the best course of action would be to let two adults decide for them selves how to end their relationship and divide up their pets. It's sad, it sucks, but it happens all the time.

I'm sorry you got dragged into their domestic issues Hummingbird.

ladyscribbler

When I left my ex, I told his mom because I hoped she would support my decision. I was still stuck in the place of needing external validation. Instead of being supportive she was enraged and said and did some pretty terrible things in the aftermath.

Attending Al Anon helped me to see her side of things, and that it was fear for her son driving her behavior. She and her husband rushed to my ex's side to support him, taking up all the slack I'd left, which was considerable. My ex sounds a lot like your son, my value to him lay primarily in putting up with unacceptable behavior and doing things for him that an adult should do for themselves.

It had a sad ending for them, but they needed to have those experiences to understand. They'd been giving him "grocery money" (I used to buy all the groceries) and quickly realized that he was drinking it all. So they offered to take him to the store and buy him groceries. He raged at them, threatened to kill his dad and punched his mom.

Throughout it all, I made sure our son was in contact with his grandparents. I'd heard so many stories from grandmas who were estranged from grandkids due to an adult child's addiction, that I knew I needed to let go of my resentments and keep those relationships going.

We are on good terms now, and have had some nice visits at Christmas and over the summer, but none of us were able to start growing until we stopped making the alcoholic the center of our relationships with one another.

Clover71

I can't imagine the pain. As a parent myself, our first instinct is to protect.

Have you thought about telling the girlfriend that you won't be flying there at that time?

hearthealth

I wouldn't have told my MIL and I didn't even tell my SIL when I was preparing to leave. I figured blood was thicker. My SIL knew things about what happenening with the abuse and still chose her BIL. It has effected my relationship with in laws.

trailmix

Neither can I.

It's either manipulative or she has absolutely no other person on earth to talk to about it.

Could be guilt.

But I can see what you mean SmallButMighty

Hummingbird, what do you WANT to do, what is your best case scenario plan?

Clover71

I think guilt ie- knowing that mom will swoop in makes it easier for her to walk away