Givenup2018

Hummingbird, I know you love your son but his GF has every right to do what is best for her. You cannot save him from the consequences of his own actions, if you do you are enabling him and he will never seek help/recovery.

AnvilheadII

I feel he should have a heads up but she fears he would destroy things or hurt her if he turns to drinking so waiting until he doesn't have a chance to change is her plan.

its not YOUR call to make. you are not his girlfriend, you are not in charge of his life or hers.

aliciagr

I think that ultimately you have to respect the decisions of the girlfriend. She must trust you or I doubt she would have given you a heads up. on her leaving?

If she has her mind made up and has a plan in place I doubt there is anything that can be said at this point to change her mind. If I was in her shoes - if I loved him - but could no longer live with him and be happy with the way things are - then most likely the only thing that would help is time apart, and seeing actual action being taken by the other person that would make me think the dynamics of the relationship could be different IF we tried again.

My suggestion is to let their relationship evolve as whatever happens between them is really theirs. BUT be there for you son as a support in whatever manner feels healthy to you. In my own life, I can say that being in the sun is great, but those times when the rain has fallen in my life have been true learning experiences.

As a mom I know this must hurt. And to know her plans in advance and to think about the pain it will cause him, That is hard on a mother. I know it would tear deeply at my heart too.

Ladybird579

And to know her plans in advance and to think about the pain it will cause him, That is hard on a mother. I know it would tear deeply at my heart too.

I see this differently. I love my kids to bits but am not immuned to their failings. I'd feel sad but ultimately know he'd brought it on himself.

hummingbird358

Thank you all for your views. To make it clear, the girlfriend text me that she felt we needed to be there when she left because she knows he will be suicidal and a complete mess. She is removing 2 of the their 4 pets which he adores with all his heart.
She asks us to fly out. She told me she didn't want to tell him until it got closer due to fear of him harming himself or her.
She now told me to pick the date. She gave me a date in March or date in April which her parents could be there to move her out.
I understand why she is leaving. I totally do. It doesn't make it any easier at all. He is my son and I am the only one besides her that he reaches out to. He doesn't have any friends out there to talk to.
I am hoping that he agrees to go for help this time. If not, I am prepared to tell him that we are completely done.

Bekindalways

I so hope you can call yourself done at some point if he doesn't get better. This must be super tough.

We have had parents an SOs on here that pass the problems of the addict back and forth. I was never in this situation. So maybe someone who has been can pipe up.

Codimum

By telling you of her plan, she’s making you keep a secret from your son who’s completely unaware of his fate in a few month’s time. Alcoholic or not, this is unfair to him. When this happens and he finds out you knew about it all this time without telling him, it’s going to have awful repercussions. You may lose him completely. The girlfriend may decide to stay with him and then they’ll both turn their backs on you.
Be very careful how you play this. I’d be inclined to tell my son now.

hearthealth

IMO, I don't believe so. You were there for her and you'll be there for your son if he needs/wants your help.

TropicalWinter

This all just sounds SO enmeshed and unhealthy to me.

aliciagr

I see it more like - I can form an opinion on how a persons mis-steps, failures has likely brought them to where they are now. and I can recognize that the person needs to accept accountability - but particularly if its someone I care about none of that means I cant also have compassion for the person who is in the depths of pain or despair.

There are people who are not important in my life and I can easily say thats a shame, but they brought it upon their self.

Ladybird579

I can recognize that the person needs to accept accountability - but particularly if its someone I care about none of that means I cant also have compassion for the person who is in the depths of pain or despair.

Nowhere have I said I don't have care and compassion. However you can have that care and compassion without trying to run their lives and try to fix everything they do. Sometimes it shows more care and compassion to step back and let them work things out for themselves. I will still say my kids have brought things on themselves if they had. They have learnt accountability for how they behave and do not expect me to go around fixing things for them or making threats as to how they will behave if I refuse.

aliciagr

Im a bit confused but initially you pulled from a comment I made to the threads owner and so I was trying to clarify my statement. Im not sure what ^^^is about because I said nothing about trying to solve other peoples problems or running lives. I will just assume its meant for the person who posted the thread topic.