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Old 02-09-2018, 01:29 PM
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Hi peeps,

I posted here five years ago. If anyone is interested they can search my user name. My husband binge-drinks. He went to rehab five years ago and after coming out he was much better with the alcohol, but there are still binges.

As for me, for the last year and a half I've been on a sort of journey of my own with therapy and yoga, feeling a lot more peaceful and friendly about life. Less anxiety etc, better relationships all around.

So in some ways enjoying life a lot more, but in other ways just not having the tolerance for the alcohol.

The "last straw" was just before Christmas last year. He had some trouble with his course and then got news that his ex-wife was terminally ill, and this became a binge.

I had been planning a Christmas open house and had to cancel it due to binge, and realised that I was just randomly cancelling on friends without telling them what was happening.

It hit home how isolating it all is.

My father (in different country) has cancer and when I think of planning a visit all I can think of is, "Better to leave H here or leave him at home? Where would a binge be less disruptive?"

So I had a talk with my therapist yesterday and said I needed to tell H that I couldn't live with the threat of a binge always overhead. I really did not want to have a ****-show, I wanted to keep a clear and loving intention.

I did tell him tonight as we were eating, just that I couldn't live with it anymore, it was having a bad effect on my mental health. He was defensive, thought we should just tolerate each other's defects (the way he tolerated mine).

I have a rental house I'm going to look at tomorrow. I told him, he was defensive.

I did venture, "We could just take alcohol out of the equation?" but he said, "You know I'll never sit here and lie to you and tell you I'll never drink again."

So that happened.
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Old 02-09-2018, 01:42 PM
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Pray... and follow. Enjoy exploring in your thoughts all you'd like in a new home.

Peacefulness.

Music playing...

Self-care zone that's an expression of you...

Expect great things, walk your path with comfort and ease. The universe tends to have great things open to us when we're ready for them.

This goes for ourselves and our loved ones. Our suffering doesn't help anyone recover.
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Old 02-09-2018, 01:46 PM
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Bless you, what a lovely thing to write.
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Old 02-09-2018, 01:54 PM
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There is a part of me now doubting myself, tbh. He just did not see the problem.
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Old 02-09-2018, 01:58 PM
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I did tell him tonight as we were eating, just that I couldn't live with it anymore, it was having a bad effect on my mental health.
he said, "You know I'll never sit here and lie to you and tell you I'll never drink again."
He's being honest. SO many alcoholics lie to themselves and their loved ones and say they will stop and don't. It sounds like you both want 2 very different things for your lives.

I hope you feel like you have some clarity for your own life based on what he said...and knowing that it really only gets worse if they don't stop. You want something different than what you have, and you have every right to have the beautiful life that you deserve.

(((HUGS)))
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Old 02-09-2018, 01:59 PM
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There is a part of me now doubting myself, tbh. He just did not see the problem.

Those are common symptoms of this family disease of alcoholism.

Us doubting what is true.

The active or dry alcoholic not seeing any problem.

---

What happens if you move forward... find joy in life on your own... have space to recover from the trauma you've gone through...

What happens if maybe you are stronger, healthier and happier? It leaves open a world of possibilities... not necessarily the end of your marriage... take things one day at a time.

I'm becoming my own best friend, putting my self-care first. I no longer fear getting divorced, and my marriage stands a better chance of someday being healthy again because of this.

Pray.. and follow. Many paths... none are wrong.
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Old 02-09-2018, 02:34 PM
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Here's another thought that perhaps will help.

The more we focus on problems, that's what is clear and evident. That's what we see.

The more we get off that subject and find ways to enjoy life, more opportunities to enjoy life become apparent.

We don't find solutions by staying steeped in the problem. If you've been praying about this and are being led in a certain direction, trust in that. One day at a time.
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Old 02-09-2018, 03:48 PM
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My XAH told me during our actual break up talk that he would always lie to me when it came to feeding his demons. I knew in that moment that we were doing the right thing by parting, no matter how excrutiatingly painful it was for us and our children. It was a glimmer of honesty in what had been an eternity of deceptions. I knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with a spouse I could not trust.

I wish for you peace and clarity while you choose your next path...which ever way it winds.

hugs
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Old 02-09-2018, 07:56 PM
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A,
I am sorry for all you are going through, for so very long. Its just not fun!! Sounds like you have finally hit your rock bottom. Addicts and codies both can hit this. I think that getting out of the home is a great idea. It will give you time and clarity on what you really want in life. You have to remember, he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do, so it isn't his problem to fix, it is yours.

Own this reality. You have tolerated his bs for a very long time. He is not going to change so you either live with it as you have, till you can't any longer. Take the time away and find out that you are capable of,to live on your own and not be under such anxiety living with an addict. You deserve peace. Our lives on earth are very short, and wasting it on living with an addict waiting for his sobriety could take forever. (he actually could live longer then you)

You are going to have many emotions by him. Anger - Guilt - Apologies - promises. Stand strong and tell him actions speak louder then words. And that action is Sobriety- and working a program.

Keep moving forward and see where it goes. hugs!!
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Old 02-09-2018, 08:45 PM
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Originally Posted by akrasia View Post
There is a part of me now doubting myself, tbh. He just did not see the problem.
Why are you doubting yourself because he doesn't see the problem? Or am I misunderstanding what you are saying (sorry if so).

He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, that's the bottom line, you do. So really it's your problem, not his.

Then again, why would he? He has you, his home life, it's probably pretty comfortable?

Point being, he doesn't need to see the problem, it's yours, not his, you've told him, what else can you do?

I read some of your old posts. You seem very - calm? Resigned? Thinking this is normal? I'm not sure from reading them, to be honest.
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