Struggling to be Warm

Old 02-09-2018, 09:41 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 2
Struggling to be Warm

My husband and I have been through it the last couple of days. We have been trying to have a baby for the past several months but I realized when I was relieved that I wasn't pregnant last month that something was up. So I thought about it and came to the conclusion that it's because I'm not happy with my husband's drinking in general, and especially not in regard to potentially having a baby. So I told him the other night and the last 2 days have been talking and talking and more talking.

Today he texted me that I keep asking him what he wants from me and he doesn't know, but he will say that I've been cold during all of this, and that he's not feeling any warmth from me.

I think that's fair, and that I may have gone from detaching but not sharing my true deep-down feelings, to sharing my feelings and making sure they are absolutely outwardly apparent, which isn't good either. I told him that, and apologized, but I'm still struggling.

He keeps bringing up how he was a few years ago, almost homeless, and drinking every day, and how it's so much better now. And he's right. But he still drinks often, and when he reaches a point of being tipsy, I don't like him very much. He changes. He's not mean or anything, but he's a different person. A shell of a person. BUT he's right in that he is doing better than before, and that's a big source of conflict for me because it makes me feel like my feelings aren't valid.

I know, because of my program, that they are valid, but it's still a struggle.

Thank y'all for letting me share. I'm new to these boards so hopefully this is the sort of thing that's appropriate for this one.

Love and Hugs.
HereToGetBetter is offline  
Old 02-09-2018, 09:56 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
....he will say that I've been cold during all of this, and that he's not feeling any warmth from me.

...

He keeps bringing up how he was a few years ago, almost homeless, and drinking every day, and how it's so much better now.


Deflection from his drinking. Tactics of the illness to blame and shame you... for the sole purpose of survival of the illness. That is what has priority here. Not a husband caring for and about his wife. Survival of the disease.

How is your self-care, today? Dealing with these things get much easier as the focus is put on our well-being, rather than defending ourselves against an illogical and cunning disease.

(((Hugs)))

I hear often that "I'm pushing everyone away from me" from my husband (when dry drunk and relapsed) and other relatives who've been affected by this family disease of alcoholism. It's verbal vomit meant to blame me. I'm no longer a people-pleasing doormat. I enjoy life. I don't fit in the tiny little box they seem to want me in.

They get their views. They enjoy life in their ways. I get to enjoy life in a way that supports my health and healing.
Mango blast is offline  
Old 02-09-2018, 10:03 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
SparkleKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,448
Sad to say, but "better than homeless" still appears to be "a shell of a person".

You do not have to agree on how much drinking is a problem for him. You only need to worry about how much it is a problem for you. And you owe him nothing as you draw that conclusion.
SparkleKitty is offline  
Old 02-09-2018, 10:03 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Smarie78's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Your feelings are incredibly valid and EVERYONE on SR here can relate! It amazes me how I can read things here of others experiences and how we all go through almost an identical thing when the crazy of addiction enters our lives. I can tell you whole heartedly that I became a freezing cold person to my xabf as his disease progressed. I loved him deeply, but the pain that his drinking caused created an ice queen. And boy did he never fail to remind me of it as though all of the hurt he had caused was no reason for my coldness. The thing is, is that I didn't want to be cold, I just could no longer hide my pain or my feelings. I didn't want him to touch me, I didn't want to send cute texts to him anymore, I didn't want to make love. I just wanted him to change. A futile effort. The relationship hung on with life support only because I felt too afraid to leave him, yet I didn't want to be around him anymore as the disease took over and I saw old patterns continue to surface.

Please know your feelings are very real and very valid. It is selfish of him to say you are cold when he has created an atmosphere where warmth is impossible to penetrate. I wish you lots of love and luck. I would also be very wary that he is moderating vs. quitting. The problem with moderation is that it only lasts so long. Alcoholism is progressive. He's playing with fire , especially moderating without any program in place. While we don't have a crystal ball, he could very well be heading into his "old type of drinker" self.
Smarie78 is offline  
Old 02-09-2018, 10:08 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
SmallButMighty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
My XAH always used to want me to be proud of him when he was... "doing so much better than before"... total deflection..."better than before", didn't mean good and it sure as heck didn't mean sober.... it also never STAYED better... it always ramped back up to bad and all the chaos that came with it.

I'm glad you found us, but I'm sorry for what brings you here. You are definitely in the right place.

*hug*
SmallButMighty is offline  
Old 02-09-2018, 10:14 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,564
Originally Posted by HereToGetBetter View Post
He keeps bringing up how he was a few years ago, almost homeless, and drinking every day, and how it's so much better now. And he's right.
Yes he is, being homeless and drinking to what he is up to now is a step in the right direction. Good for him!

Originally Posted by HereToGetBetter View Post
BUT he's right in that he is doing better than before, and that's a big source of conflict for me because it makes me feel like my feelings aren't valid.
How does his declaration of his effort diminish what you are feeling?

You are not happy with the shell of a person he becomes when drinking. Whether he dragged himself up off the streets or not, is irrelevant (and I don't mean that to in anyway discount his efforts).

He did something for himself and that is somehow magically supposed to make YOU ok.

I don't get it really.
trailmix is offline  
Old 02-09-2018, 11:58 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
PuzzledHeart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
He keeps bringing up how he was a few years ago, almost homeless, and drinking every day, and how it's so much better now. And he's right. But he still drinks often, and when he reaches a point of being tipsy, I don't like him very much.
That's like saying, Hey, I use to cheat on you every day, but now I only go to third base with strippers every other week. Progress!

[Insert eye roll here.]
PuzzledHeart is offline  
Old 02-09-2018, 02:22 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
That's like saying, Hey, I use to cheat on you every day, but now I only go to third base with strippers every other week. Progress!

[Insert eye roll here.]
This one made me laugh. Thank you for that

And thanks to all of you for responding. I've been to two Al-Anon meetings this week, and before each had a long talk with my sponsor, but this has been tough so I needed some more support. And y'all did not disappoint. I'm so glad I found this board .

Thank you for reminding me that I need to make sure self-care is at the top of my list, and that my feelings do not need to be justified. I know this is a hard time for my Alcoholic so I will let him figure his **** out and in the meantime will make sure I'm healthy and taking care of myself.

HereToGetBetter is offline  
Old 02-09-2018, 02:36 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
 
OpheliaKatz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Ha ha ha ha! Thanks! Made me laugh aloud.

Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
That's like saying, Hey, I use to cheat on you every day, but now I only go to third base with strippers every other week. Progress!

[Insert eye roll here.]
OpheliaKatz is offline  
Old 02-09-2018, 02:37 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
 
OpheliaKatz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by Smarie78 View Post
Your feelings are incredibly valid and EVERYONE on SR here can relate! It amazes me how I can read things here of others experiences and how we all go through almost an identical thing when the crazy of addiction enters our lives. I can tell you whole heartedly that I became a freezing cold person to my xabf as his disease progressed. I loved him deeply, but the pain that his drinking caused created an ice queen. And boy did he never fail to remind me of it as though all of the hurt he had caused was no reason for my coldness. The thing is, is that I didn't want to be cold, I just could no longer hide my pain or my feelings. I didn't want him to touch me, I didn't want to send cute texts to him anymore, I didn't want to make love. I just wanted him to change. A futile effort. The relationship hung on with life support only because I felt too afraid to leave him, yet I didn't want to be around him anymore as the disease took over and I saw old patterns continue to surface.

Please know your feelings are very real and very valid. It is selfish of him to say you are cold when he has created an atmosphere where warmth is impossible to penetrate. I wish you lots of love and luck. I would also be very wary that he is moderating vs. quitting. The problem with moderation is that it only lasts so long. Alcoholism is progressive. He's playing with fire , especially moderating without any program in place. While we don't have a crystal ball, he could very well be heading into his "old type of drinker" self.
Very well said. Thank you.
OpheliaKatz is offline  
Old 02-09-2018, 04:09 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Yes he is, being homeless and drinking to what he is up to now is a step in the right direction. Good for him!

How does his declaration of his effort diminish what you are feeling?

You are not happy with the shell of a person he becomes when drinking. Whether he dragged himself up off the streets or not, is irrelevant (and I don't mean that to in anyway discount his efforts).
This seems on-point to me. It's not like you made a deal with him: "stop being nearly-homeless and drinking, and I will be very nice to you". If he is making progress in his recovery, that's great - for him. It doesn't place any responsibility or obligations on you.
Sasha1972 is offline  
Old 02-09-2018, 06:31 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Welcome,
Glad you posted. Sobriety is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Stopping the drinking is only a small part of the package.

I too recommend a lot of meetings, they do help for your sanity. For the last 10 months of my marriage, I went to 2 alanon, and 2 open AA meetings a week and then SR every night. I was very sick and needed a lot of support. Stick around, you will learn a ton. Hugs!!
maia1234 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:04 AM.