@ And so I stayed
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@ And so I stayed
I've been watching the news today about Rob Porter. His ex-wife Jennifer Willoughby has a blog about why she stayed. There is so much stigma about abuse and people not wanting to admit that they are in an abusive relationship. Woman still feel like they should be silent about this and there are still many reasons why they feel that way.
I told my family, they made me feel like I was crazy, and that I was so lucky to have a husband like I did. I told friends, it was the same thing. I tried talking to my now ex about this, and I was told it was my fault, that I was previously married, and that it must be me that I can't be happy in a marriage.
I tried to change, I tried to grow up like people wanted me to. I accepted that it was all me, since I was already divorced. (My first ex was abusive also). So, it was like everyone was telling me that it was all me.
My 2nd ex was not visibly abusive until we moved out of my mom's house about 8 years after we got married. There were snide remarks here and there that no one but me could hear, a few other red flags that I totally ignored because everyone thought it was all me. My ex was the complete gentleman in public, in private he would rip me apart emotionally. My self confidence and self esteem was diminishing. I felt like a total failure.
We finally got our own house. We moved in April 1994. In June 1994, this was the first time he was physical with me. We were having a fight, I tried talking to him. He was watching a baseball game and was ignoring me. I stood in front of the TV, so that he could see me, hear me. He got off his couch, he threw me to the floor and then kicked me in the ribs, then got his glass of beer and spilled it all over me as I was laying on the floor. He apologized to me the next day, and so I stayed. After all he promised to never hurt me again.
He didn't physically abuse me again for another 12 years. (After reading what I just wrote there, I need to make a correction, he did physically abuse me, but I minimized it so much because it was only black and blues on my arms or legs). That doesn't mean he did not verbally and emotionally abuse me during those years.
You know, during my years with this, I didn't know which was worse, the verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, or physical abuse. There were so many time that he verbally and emotionally attacked me so bad, that I wished he would just hit me because then he would see the damage he was doing. You can see bruises on a body, but not bruises on your heart.
Some people may think that it is just the alcohol that will cause this. It's not. It's the personality.
My ex told me that in order for him to survive he always had to be "one up" on another person. What that meant for him was that he had to put me down.
Another thing I wanted to say here is, they do know when they go to far, or at least my ex did for awhile. After days and days of verbal, emotional abuse, he would come home and apologize and bring me a gift, either Tiffany jewelry or Waterford crystal. And so I stayed. He bought me a gift, and promise to go to therapy.
In 1999, I went through 2 cancers, he was a really good husband then. After I recovered from that, he told me that I turned into the same b!tch that I always was, and that the only reason he was nice to me was because that is what husbands are supposed to do. And so I stayed. The abuse had gotten worse, but I minimized all of it. I'm a catholic. I didn't want a second divorce, and my children were in honors classes, and if I moved, they would have to leave their school. And so I stayed.
In July 2006, my ex gave me a black eye. He had disappeared for over a week. He came home at 9 pm. He wanted me to cook him dinner. I told him I had dinner at 5 and if he wants to eat, that he could cook for himself. He rolled dinner plates back and forth from the kitchen to the den for an hour. I then went to sleep. He woke me up because he wanted to have sex. I told him no. We got into it, and I ended up calling 911, and going to the hospital, he went to jail, and still I stayed.
I had been in this for a long time by this time, I kinda felt like leaving was like losing, and so I stayed.
My 2 youngest children were now in college, it was only the two of us. It was a war zone. My ex would disappear now for 2 months at a time. We had pets and I had no place to go (or so I thought). It would start to feel relaxing after he was gone for a week or longer, but.........he always came back. But still I stayed.
In 2008, he threw a cup at me that cut me beneath my eye, and then left a hole in the wall. I was worried about him losing his government job, and so I stayed.
There are so many reasons for why we stay. No, we don't enjoy it. I know that all of my reasons for staying now seem silly to me. He was never going to change. It was his personality, and he liked the way he was, or he didn't want to put in the work to change.
I did leave 12/31/2008. I left when I could no longer think anymore. I left just knowing I needed to get away from insanity before I became insane myself.
There is no reason for abuse, none at all.
If anyone would like to add to "And so I stayed, I would appreciate it"
((((((((((((((((hugs to all)))))))))))))
amy
I told my family, they made me feel like I was crazy, and that I was so lucky to have a husband like I did. I told friends, it was the same thing. I tried talking to my now ex about this, and I was told it was my fault, that I was previously married, and that it must be me that I can't be happy in a marriage.
I tried to change, I tried to grow up like people wanted me to. I accepted that it was all me, since I was already divorced. (My first ex was abusive also). So, it was like everyone was telling me that it was all me.
My 2nd ex was not visibly abusive until we moved out of my mom's house about 8 years after we got married. There were snide remarks here and there that no one but me could hear, a few other red flags that I totally ignored because everyone thought it was all me. My ex was the complete gentleman in public, in private he would rip me apart emotionally. My self confidence and self esteem was diminishing. I felt like a total failure.
We finally got our own house. We moved in April 1994. In June 1994, this was the first time he was physical with me. We were having a fight, I tried talking to him. He was watching a baseball game and was ignoring me. I stood in front of the TV, so that he could see me, hear me. He got off his couch, he threw me to the floor and then kicked me in the ribs, then got his glass of beer and spilled it all over me as I was laying on the floor. He apologized to me the next day, and so I stayed. After all he promised to never hurt me again.
He didn't physically abuse me again for another 12 years. (After reading what I just wrote there, I need to make a correction, he did physically abuse me, but I minimized it so much because it was only black and blues on my arms or legs). That doesn't mean he did not verbally and emotionally abuse me during those years.
You know, during my years with this, I didn't know which was worse, the verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, or physical abuse. There were so many time that he verbally and emotionally attacked me so bad, that I wished he would just hit me because then he would see the damage he was doing. You can see bruises on a body, but not bruises on your heart.
Some people may think that it is just the alcohol that will cause this. It's not. It's the personality.
My ex told me that in order for him to survive he always had to be "one up" on another person. What that meant for him was that he had to put me down.
Another thing I wanted to say here is, they do know when they go to far, or at least my ex did for awhile. After days and days of verbal, emotional abuse, he would come home and apologize and bring me a gift, either Tiffany jewelry or Waterford crystal. And so I stayed. He bought me a gift, and promise to go to therapy.
In 1999, I went through 2 cancers, he was a really good husband then. After I recovered from that, he told me that I turned into the same b!tch that I always was, and that the only reason he was nice to me was because that is what husbands are supposed to do. And so I stayed. The abuse had gotten worse, but I minimized all of it. I'm a catholic. I didn't want a second divorce, and my children were in honors classes, and if I moved, they would have to leave their school. And so I stayed.
In July 2006, my ex gave me a black eye. He had disappeared for over a week. He came home at 9 pm. He wanted me to cook him dinner. I told him I had dinner at 5 and if he wants to eat, that he could cook for himself. He rolled dinner plates back and forth from the kitchen to the den for an hour. I then went to sleep. He woke me up because he wanted to have sex. I told him no. We got into it, and I ended up calling 911, and going to the hospital, he went to jail, and still I stayed.
I had been in this for a long time by this time, I kinda felt like leaving was like losing, and so I stayed.
My 2 youngest children were now in college, it was only the two of us. It was a war zone. My ex would disappear now for 2 months at a time. We had pets and I had no place to go (or so I thought). It would start to feel relaxing after he was gone for a week or longer, but.........he always came back. But still I stayed.
In 2008, he threw a cup at me that cut me beneath my eye, and then left a hole in the wall. I was worried about him losing his government job, and so I stayed.
There are so many reasons for why we stay. No, we don't enjoy it. I know that all of my reasons for staying now seem silly to me. He was never going to change. It was his personality, and he liked the way he was, or he didn't want to put in the work to change.
I did leave 12/31/2008. I left when I could no longer think anymore. I left just knowing I needed to get away from insanity before I became insane myself.
There is no reason for abuse, none at all.
If anyone would like to add to "And so I stayed, I would appreciate it"
((((((((((((((((hugs to all)))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
I stayed because I was uneducated about what alcoholism was doing to me and my kids. I thought it was my good "catholic" wifely duty to stay. I thought that by staying my XAH would be able to keep his "good government job" (FYI after I kicked him out he deliberately lost it and the bonus for him was that he didn't have to pay child support). I knew he would lose it in the end anyway...No-one can call in sick every second Monday and keep a job.
My XAH did loads of really sh*tty, selfish, abusive things. I can't type them all out because it makes me too sad and angry with myself for not being able to see how used and abused I was. Being codependent really sucks! I'm so glad to leave it behind me, but I still have to work on "staying on my own side of the street". It sneaks up on me now and again and I have to suppress the urge to re-organize another's awful situation or life for them.
My XAH did loads of really sh*tty, selfish, abusive things. I can't type them all out because it makes me too sad and angry with myself for not being able to see how used and abused I was. Being codependent really sucks! I'm so glad to leave it behind me, but I still have to work on "staying on my own side of the street". It sneaks up on me now and again and I have to suppress the urge to re-organize another's awful situation or life for them.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I stayed because I loved him.
I stayed because of the kids.
I stayed because I was "supposed" to.. marriage vows you know!
I stayed because he didn't physically abuse me.
I stayed because I was scared what people would think if I left.
I stayed because I believed him.
I stayed because of the "future"
I stayed because I'd never been on my own
I stayed because of my pride.
I stayed because of finances.
It's interesting that all those reasons played into my ending the marriage as well.
I stayed because of the kids.
I stayed because I was "supposed" to.. marriage vows you know!
I stayed because he didn't physically abuse me.
I stayed because I was scared what people would think if I left.
I stayed because I believed him.
I stayed because of the "future"
I stayed because I'd never been on my own
I stayed because of my pride.
I stayed because of finances.
It's interesting that all those reasons played into my ending the marriage as well.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by Ladybird579 
I stayed for as long as I did cos I had no energy, or was brave enough to do anything else.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Thank you so much Amy, for sharing. I have a similar story, but no children and I was so scared the first time there was physical violence, I left.
But when I stayed it was because:
-He was sick from anything but addiction... or so I thought, because I believed what he said.
-The abuse would escalate only after I had just made a big investment in the relationship: moving house together, getting pets together... etc. Big life decisions would always precede the abuse, so I stayed because of the sunk cost fallacy.
-I had made promises in marriage.
-I was afraid that he would die if I wasn't there to pick up the pieces.
-I was told repeatedly that no one else would ever love me... and I started to believe it.
-The more I believed it, the longer I stayed, the older I became, and the less pretty I became... so maybe no one else will ever love me (except for myself).
-I started to become physically sick from the stress, and thus making plans to leave the relationship was too stressful.
-I was isolated through manipulation so that I no longer felt I knew people that I could turn to for help (fortunately this wasn't true, and the people who did care about me were just silently waiting to hear from me for years).
-I was repeatedly woken in the middle of the night, so I was tired. I was cleaning up crises after crises, so I was tired... too tired to leave.
-I was manipulated by him through our relationship counselor, who made me feel as if his health was supposed to be the focus of the relationship; and every time I brought up abuse, I was told that using the word "abuse" was damaging to the relationship. Of course, after saying "abuse" publicly in front of him, I would try to avoid going home with him, because whatever was going to happen at home was not nice.
-Because he would scream at me until I was so confused, I thought that I must have done something wrong... although I had no idea what.
-Both my husband and I focused on what was wrong with me... instead of his treatment of me. Apparently I was "depressed"... .
-Because of financial control. He would borrow and then steal money until I had nothing saved so could not leave.
-Because I believed his lies.
-Because I didn't think he would become physically violent... and then he did.
-Because I felt that I needed to "prove" that I wasn't "difficult".
-Because I loved him.
-Because of trauma bonding.
-Because I read that the cure for addiction was compassion... and I attributed his behaviors to his addiction. In fact, I was being compassionate towards his abusive behavior.
-Because I thought he wanted to heal. I was presumptuous. He wanted to be sick.
-Because of shame.
-Because I didn't think I had a choice... other than drinking weed killer. Fortunately it never came to that.
I still have difficulties with loud noises and I now sleep with a nightlight.
But when I stayed it was because:
-He was sick from anything but addiction... or so I thought, because I believed what he said.
-The abuse would escalate only after I had just made a big investment in the relationship: moving house together, getting pets together... etc. Big life decisions would always precede the abuse, so I stayed because of the sunk cost fallacy.
-I had made promises in marriage.
-I was afraid that he would die if I wasn't there to pick up the pieces.
-I was told repeatedly that no one else would ever love me... and I started to believe it.
-The more I believed it, the longer I stayed, the older I became, and the less pretty I became... so maybe no one else will ever love me (except for myself).
-I started to become physically sick from the stress, and thus making plans to leave the relationship was too stressful.
-I was isolated through manipulation so that I no longer felt I knew people that I could turn to for help (fortunately this wasn't true, and the people who did care about me were just silently waiting to hear from me for years).
-I was repeatedly woken in the middle of the night, so I was tired. I was cleaning up crises after crises, so I was tired... too tired to leave.
-I was manipulated by him through our relationship counselor, who made me feel as if his health was supposed to be the focus of the relationship; and every time I brought up abuse, I was told that using the word "abuse" was damaging to the relationship. Of course, after saying "abuse" publicly in front of him, I would try to avoid going home with him, because whatever was going to happen at home was not nice.
-Because he would scream at me until I was so confused, I thought that I must have done something wrong... although I had no idea what.
-Both my husband and I focused on what was wrong with me... instead of his treatment of me. Apparently I was "depressed"... .
-Because of financial control. He would borrow and then steal money until I had nothing saved so could not leave.
-Because I believed his lies.
-Because I didn't think he would become physically violent... and then he did.
-Because I felt that I needed to "prove" that I wasn't "difficult".
-Because I loved him.
-Because of trauma bonding.
-Because I read that the cure for addiction was compassion... and I attributed his behaviors to his addiction. In fact, I was being compassionate towards his abusive behavior.
-Because I thought he wanted to heal. I was presumptuous. He wanted to be sick.
-Because of shame.
-Because I didn't think I had a choice... other than drinking weed killer. Fortunately it never came to that.
I still have difficulties with loud noises and I now sleep with a nightlight.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Thank you so much for your heartfelt story, and others for yours. I've been seeing a lot of shame toward Hope Hicks too...comments like "she must like guys like that". It hits a nerve because so many people don't understand what it's like when you are under the thumb. I recall the embarrassment, even here (though with good intentions from everyone), and the shame of trying to answer people who asked "why are you staying?". To come up with a reason that was logical. The truth is that there was nothing rational about staying. I knew that. Nothing logical. I knew that too.
I stayed because I felt love for him. Because I wanted to help him. Because I wanted to *fix* him. Because I felt the world abandoned him and I wanted him to know I wasn't going to. Because I was afraid to say no to him. Because I didn't want to let him down. Because I needed his validation. Because I felt powerless to promises he will change. Because I didn't know who I was. Because he didn't "mean" it when he said it. Because he was just angry and stressed in the heat of the moment. Because he had low self-esteem. Because he said he was insecure. Because I was strong enough to handle abuse and his rage, he wasn't strong enough to handle me leaving. Because I would much rather be the punching bag than anybody else. Because I was shamed. Because I was guilty. Because I was scared. Because I was exhausted. Because I wanted to do anything I could do to make things quiet and peaceful. Because staying seemed easier than going.
I stayed because I felt love for him. Because I wanted to help him. Because I wanted to *fix* him. Because I felt the world abandoned him and I wanted him to know I wasn't going to. Because I was afraid to say no to him. Because I didn't want to let him down. Because I needed his validation. Because I felt powerless to promises he will change. Because I didn't know who I was. Because he didn't "mean" it when he said it. Because he was just angry and stressed in the heat of the moment. Because he had low self-esteem. Because he said he was insecure. Because I was strong enough to handle abuse and his rage, he wasn't strong enough to handle me leaving. Because I would much rather be the punching bag than anybody else. Because I was shamed. Because I was guilty. Because I was scared. Because I was exhausted. Because I wanted to do anything I could do to make things quiet and peaceful. Because staying seemed easier than going.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Amy,
Thank you for sharing your "truth". I am sure it took years and years to be able to recognize that "you were abused". When you are living in the moment you have no idea, that this is your norm.
When you come to SR, like Smarie, you state your truths and people acknowledge the abuse. You have no idea that this behavior is not the "norm". Then you have people calling you out and your like, wow.... maybe, just maybe this is abuse. Over time, we acknowledge this and seek support to over come it.
I too stayed longer in my marriage then I should have. Just a couple weeks ago axh said he was sorry for spitting in my face, but that I know how to goat him and get him really angry. Ugh, 3 + years post divorce and he still can't own his part in the alcoholism dance. Not sure why I would even be a willing partner in the dance any longer. No new contact.... means no new hurts!!
We all have our truths and we need to "own" what we have gone through, and eventually make peace with it. We come to SR to recognize that we are not alone and it has happened to other people. We are all survivors of our past and hope for a better future.
Thanks for sharing Amy, we are grateful you are with us, sharing your journey and giving HOPE to all our newcomers that they too can overcome!! HUGS!!!
Thank you for sharing your "truth". I am sure it took years and years to be able to recognize that "you were abused". When you are living in the moment you have no idea, that this is your norm.
When you come to SR, like Smarie, you state your truths and people acknowledge the abuse. You have no idea that this behavior is not the "norm". Then you have people calling you out and your like, wow.... maybe, just maybe this is abuse. Over time, we acknowledge this and seek support to over come it.
I too stayed longer in my marriage then I should have. Just a couple weeks ago axh said he was sorry for spitting in my face, but that I know how to goat him and get him really angry. Ugh, 3 + years post divorce and he still can't own his part in the alcoholism dance. Not sure why I would even be a willing partner in the dance any longer. No new contact.... means no new hurts!!
We all have our truths and we need to "own" what we have gone through, and eventually make peace with it. We come to SR to recognize that we are not alone and it has happened to other people. We are all survivors of our past and hope for a better future.
Thanks for sharing Amy, we are grateful you are with us, sharing your journey and giving HOPE to all our newcomers that they too can overcome!! HUGS!!!
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