Cadence57

OK, I had a choice to send this to him or... not. So I was just going to file it away, but after I finished writing and reading it, I kinda liked what it said and thought it might help others in here. There's always a (very slim) chance he'll read it -- he knows SR is here and he knows I'm here... but I doubt he would want to get so up close and personal with the pain that those of us who are involved with addicts/alcoholics feel... it might be a bit too much reality for his tastes.... So... I'll take my chances.

Dear A,

I think I might I understand where your confusion is coming from...
You're not going to like it though - and if you've already started drinking tonight, you'll like it even less.

You said you're confused... Well, I guess you are!! Here you are, you have said you love me and want to build a life and a future with me.
You KNOW I love you. Heck, we get along great (as long as you're not drinking), we have fun together, the sex is great, we laugh... we're good together... Enough in common to keep it comfortable and enough differences to keep it fresh.
Yet we're not together. Right off the bat, that is enough to cause anyone confusion. It really makes no sense whatsoever (on the surface).

Digging deeper, we realize that the ONLY reason we are not together is because I have said I can't be with you while you continue to abuse alcohol.

WHY have I said that? Because it's obvious to me (and to you too, on some level) that the alcohol is, and has been, having a negative effect on our relationship (despite your objections to the contrary). It's certainly has had a negative effect on me, which is reason enough for us to be apart. I've been hurt numerous times by your alcohol induced rantings, along with all of the other associated byproducts of this disease - enough is enough!

Not being an addict myself, it SEEMED to me like your choice was a pretty simple one. Either you drink or you don't. Either you get help and work on recovery -- or you don't. It's all about choices and for anyone who is NOT under the influence of the disease, it's an easy choice - the epitomy of a "no brainer"

But for you, the alcoholic, it's not so cut and dry, is it? There's a comfort factor... that familiarity that you think you can only get from a bottle or can.
For active addicts, it seems the choice will always be in favor of their addiction with little (if any) thought or concern for how their choices are going to affect the lives of others involved. I'm sure that, on some level, the decision making process is a painful one but, painful or not, any third party (me, in this case) who is going to make waves about the addiction, will always be unwelcome in this triangle. What's an addict to do when faced with this kind of conflict? He might try to make a deal between the opposing sides... Which basically means he's choosing to not make a choice ("I' won't drink when you're here"). This non-decision, in his mind, is an ideal way to keep the peace, while allowing him to have his proverbial cake and eat it too. But sooner or later, the booze always wins.

Like it or not, the fact is when you realized that I wasn't willing to negotiate, you made a choice. And even though you may have not said the words, your actions have spoken voumes. You have chosen to keep the object of your addicion in your life and let go of me (someone you've said you love). That is the bottom line here, and that simple deep-down-inside-realization hurt me beyond words until I accepted the fact that it's the disease that's doing the choosing here -- not you, the man who says he loves me.

When it comes to having to choose between the booze and anything else, you become a slave with no free will. That's the disease hard at work and, unfortunately, until you "hit bottom" you don't really have much choice in the matter.

Are you listening?
Until you get help and work on recovery,the booze will always win.

You insist you don't have this disease and you don't need help. You're different - not like "them" at all. You mock the recovery process (which, by the way, has worked for MILLIONS of people just like you - once they wanted it badly enough). You say that you can control it -- and you have tried, but... "she" always convinces you that it'll be worth it for you to come back for more... you deserve a reward... you've earned it... you're angry and it will help calm you down... you're stressed and it will soothe your nerves... you're sad and it will cheer you up... you're happy and it will help you celebrate... you're mad and it will commiserate with you... you're lonely and it will keep you warm... You don't need me - the disease has convinced you that "she" alone can satisfy your every need.

No wonder you feel confused... you're being pulled apart at the seams between no future with your best friend, and a future without your best friend... the implications must seem overwhelming! I guess that's one of the reasons that AA says "One day at a time" I'm sure the recovery process looks much more managable in terms of "just for today"


Angry? Moi???

Gabe

Cadence,
I know how easy it is to want to pick this apart and analyze it to try and make sense of it.
But it's trying to make sense of the senseless.
"Why?", we ask ourselves.
"Why do they choose addiction over us?"
Aren't we pretty enough, good enough, smart enough, intelligent enough, etc.
My point is, until they decide they are done with addiction, it's the only thing they're going to choose...period.
We can't compete with addiction, we'll never win.
And we shouldn't try.
It's counterproductive and it will give you a big ole headache.
Hugs,
Gabe

Dust Bunny

((((Cadence))))
Very powerful letter. It must have been very cathartic to write it. If you send it, please do so without expectations. It may make a dent but odds are against you and I think you know that. If it helps YOU to send it, by all means do so.

May you find the peace and serenity you are searching for.

Ann

What Gabe said.

Cadence you see all this through different eyes than he sees right now. There is no logic, reason, or common sense involved, it's just how it is, it's just how he is right now. It has nothing to do with you, believe it or not, it's about him and booze.

You mentioned in previous threads about growing up with alcoholics. If you haven't already been to meetings, why not try ACOA or Al-Anon, and maybe these meetings can help you make sense of you and how you feel and why you feel that way. I promise you it will help.

Hugs
Ann

gelfling

Hi Cadence,

I truly wish that this letter could be sent to all addicts throughout the world. I also wish this letter could be the magic pill that knocked sense into their heads and helped them realize they were fu**ing up their lives and destroying us in the process.

Thanks for sharing it with us. Bless you,

Kathy

DesertEyes

Heya Marti :-)

Great letter. A lot of passion in there :-) Something that I do with letters like that is read them to my sponsor. Works wonders for me.

You do have a sponsor, don't you? <hint, hint>

Mike :-)

osier59

This is a great letter. It reminds me of what my sponsor tells me often:

Alcoholism is bigger. In my best day of recovery, the disease of alcohlism is bigger and stronger. She uses the words cunning, baffling and powerful to describe the disease.

It doesn't mean we are helpless or hopeless, just powerless over the disease of alcoholism.

Hugs and love
Barb

Cadence57

Two steps forward... one step back. Oh well, at least I didn't send this one to him... I have sent him a couple of emails - venting my anger - he deserves the consequence of my anger - I know it rolls right off his back but I don't care about that.

Yes, Yes, Yes... I guess this explains the horrible headache I woke up with this morning... Thanks Gabe. I really do understand deep down inside --- I'm just stubborn. It's hard to believe that such an intelligent man could be so blind - it's very frustrating.

Thanks Dust Bunny. Cathartic - yes, very much so. I got a lot of stuff out of my system with that one, I know that sending it to him would be counter-productive.

I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that it REALLY doesn't have anything to do with me.
I did go to Al-Anon but now, with my girls working and back in school, the busy dinner schedule just doesn't cooperate for me to get to the meeting (7PM) My girls are only here on Mondays and Wednesdays which, of course, are the days that the meetings take place. I'm trying to figure a way around that one.

Thanks, Kathy. I wish it was a magic pill too. It's so frustrating to be able see what is so obviously happening and still be totally unable to get him to see it.

Thanks Mike. Yes, I am a passionate person and it definitely comes out in my writings. No sponsor but I do have this group and being able to post the letter here spared me the additional hurt and frustration of sending it to him and having him ignore it.

Thanks Barb. It IS bigger, isn't it? Cunning, baffling and powerful --- I'll have to remember that when I start getting frustrated (again).
Interesting - not helpless, not hopeless - just powerless. I think that I may have equated powerlessness with weakness but, in reality, it doesn't really mean weak (as in helpless) - it's just another way of saying that I can't control it.

I wish I could just be over it -- and over him. I wish there was a switch I could flip and be done with it all. Today was a bad day. He left his home to begin the first leg of his trip to his new job out of the country.... This move feels like the line of demarcation - the end of that part of my life and the beginning of a new part - and I've been very sad about that today.
I'm going to read my Co-Dependent No More tonight and hope I find something in there that helps me to feel better about all of this.
Thanks everyone, it's meant a lot to me to get feedback from you. I've sent him so many emails about his drinking in the past and, as is his pattern, he has never discussed his drinking with me, never addressed the issues with anything more than a vague passing comment - it feels really good to get honest feedback.

Green Eyes

Cadence:

Thank you for this - it could have been written by me and countless others. I can't tell you how many times I said "I wish I could just be over it and over him." I knew I'd have to go through the pain and that it would take time. I found that keeping in touch with him was prolonging the agony and finally, two days ago, I pulled the plug for good. It's been just over 4 months since he moved out and I've asked him to not contact me again.

A while back, I posted a question about sending a letter to my EX/A and the best piece of advice I got was to: write it, take it to the kitchen sink, light a match, burn it and send it out to the Universe and that's exactly what I did.

Today, I feel free and liberated. I just read the post on "Detaching" and wow - did that have an impact on me.

All the best to you, Cadence.

hope2bhappy

I think writing is very good therapy. One of my counselors insisted I keep a daily journal. We would discuss my writings at each session. I learned a lot about my feelings and was able to get a lot of the anger out onto the paper -- not onto my A. Hang in there.

delabarreda74

I agree. You have to let go of the outcome, I also think, that by sharing it with us, you indeed put it out to the universe/higher power. So it has indeed been heard. Choose wisely, and choose yourself...goodluck.

Gabe

Some of the most intelligent, funny, witty, clever, amazing people I know are addicts or alcoholics. There is just no explaining why all that stuff goes out the window when they go dark and start using again. It's like they quit listening to the best part of themselves and cave into a disease that robs them of all their best qualities. Trying to figure out the why's of that could give me headaches that Extra-Strength Tylenol wouldn't touch.
I don't think of it as blind.
I think of it as lost.
Lost to the best parts of themselves.
I've seen a lot of them find their way home again.
Being frustrated about what they couldn't see never got me anywhere.
Having faith and hope that they would reconnect with the best parts of themselves was a better way to go.

delabarreda74

Can I get and AMEN SISTER!!!!

Cadence57

Typical, isn't it??? All they gotta do is stop and ask for direction!! But in all seriousness, I'm working hard on my frustration. One of the things I realized today, after reading part of the detatchment post (I'll be back to finish reading it in a few), is that the consequences (my leaving) really are not consequences to his alcoholic mind... if anything, his disease sees me as the enemy because I support sobriety -- so my leaving ends up being the disease's victory (the alcohol always wins) and therefore, being apart really isn't a consequence!

So... there's that!

ted

THANKS FOR THE VIEW FROM THE OTHER SIDE.
I HOPE AND PRAY THAT I DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING IN MY RECOVERY.
I DON'T WANT OTHERS TO SUFFER ALONG WITH ME.
I KNOW THAT ATTITUDE FROM MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER EVENTUALLY
HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS.
VERY GRATEUL TODAY I'M ON A NEW PATH.........ted

DesertEyes

* lmao * Hey! I resemble that remark!

The way I see it, when I am in recovery it is _me_ that wins. For some people that recovery may involve leaving, for others not. The point is, by doing what is right for me not only do I _prevent_ the disease from taking me, I also give the A the opportunity to start their own recovery. Working my program means it's a win for me, and a possible win for them.

The disease only wins if I do _not_ work my program, then we both end up worse, and eventually maybe even dead.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)