Threatening to file / ready to file - maybe?
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Threatening to file / ready to file - maybe?
My XAH has given me temporary custody of the kids since he drove drunk with them just before the holiday.
Since then we've been negotiating an agreed order to file with the court to formalize what's going to happen next. We keep thinking we are in agreement and then his attorney sends back edits that essentially say that custody will go back to normal at the end of March - unless I file another motion.
I've told XAH again and again that I don't want to monitor him, and I don't want it to be on ME to have to take the nuclear option each time I think the kids are in danger.
We've been through this cycle of me threatening to file an emergency motion, him finally agreeing to mediate, getting some resolution that all has to get redone three to six months later when he relapses again. I'm just done with it.
The motion for sustained custody is ready and could be filed tomorrow.
Here's the thing: my ex is SOOO private and the last thing he wants is a motion that details his alcoholism and drinking. So I can't help but feel that once I file, I lose leverage - because I can no longer threaten that I will file. Does that make sense?
My attorney just wants to file. He feels we've been clear with his attorney. I think he is just hearing what he wants to hear from his attorney. So I think I want to tell him this afternoon that I am filing by EOD tomorrow unless he signs the draft motion that my attorney sent him several weeks ago. If he doesn't sign, too bad - we file.
His attorney is telling mine that he intends to wear a SCRAM device that would continually monitor his BAC. Ok, fine, but for what period? Another 3-6 months? I already know that he can abstain for that long, for the purposes of getting me off his back so he can get back to drinking. All that said - it could also be very persuasive to a judge so I don't know...
Since then we've been negotiating an agreed order to file with the court to formalize what's going to happen next. We keep thinking we are in agreement and then his attorney sends back edits that essentially say that custody will go back to normal at the end of March - unless I file another motion.
I've told XAH again and again that I don't want to monitor him, and I don't want it to be on ME to have to take the nuclear option each time I think the kids are in danger.
We've been through this cycle of me threatening to file an emergency motion, him finally agreeing to mediate, getting some resolution that all has to get redone three to six months later when he relapses again. I'm just done with it.
The motion for sustained custody is ready and could be filed tomorrow.
Here's the thing: my ex is SOOO private and the last thing he wants is a motion that details his alcoholism and drinking. So I can't help but feel that once I file, I lose leverage - because I can no longer threaten that I will file. Does that make sense?
My attorney just wants to file. He feels we've been clear with his attorney. I think he is just hearing what he wants to hear from his attorney. So I think I want to tell him this afternoon that I am filing by EOD tomorrow unless he signs the draft motion that my attorney sent him several weeks ago. If he doesn't sign, too bad - we file.
His attorney is telling mine that he intends to wear a SCRAM device that would continually monitor his BAC. Ok, fine, but for what period? Another 3-6 months? I already know that he can abstain for that long, for the purposes of getting me off his back so he can get back to drinking. All that said - it could also be very persuasive to a judge so I don't know...
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Hmm, I think I would go ahead and file. It looks like the threat that you might file is not having an effect on your ex, because he keeps going through the cycle of relapsing. I am guessing his drinking does not respond to logical argument (I better not drink around the kids because if I do Co-Parent might file a court motion which will publicize my drinking). So what do you have to lose?
I agree that it would be good to get out of the business of monitoring and surveilling ex while he is drinking. My ex came up with various notions about how I could call him any time when he had Kid to be sure he wasn't drunk, he would give Kid permission to call me any time she was worried about his sobriety, etc. My position was that it wasn't my responsibility to catch him drinking, it was his responsibility to demonstrate that he could be relied on to be sober when he was with Kid. If he can't do that, Kid stays with me.
You really don't need to be the Booze Cop who will perform the heroic rescues when needed - that still keeps you in the position of checking up on his addiction, and keeps you engaged with "managing" his drinking (my lawyer refers to it as being on "Team Alcoholic").
What is the worst that could happen if you went ahead and asked the court for sole custody?
I agree that it would be good to get out of the business of monitoring and surveilling ex while he is drinking. My ex came up with various notions about how I could call him any time when he had Kid to be sure he wasn't drunk, he would give Kid permission to call me any time she was worried about his sobriety, etc. My position was that it wasn't my responsibility to catch him drinking, it was his responsibility to demonstrate that he could be relied on to be sober when he was with Kid. If he can't do that, Kid stays with me.
You really don't need to be the Booze Cop who will perform the heroic rescues when needed - that still keeps you in the position of checking up on his addiction, and keeps you engaged with "managing" his drinking (my lawyer refers to it as being on "Team Alcoholic").
What is the worst that could happen if you went ahead and asked the court for sole custody?
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Coparent and Sasha, my hat is off to you both for walking this ohsocrappy road. Keep at it.
I have no experience with this situation so just popped in to offer a sitting ovation and general admiration.
Courage to you both.
I have no experience with this situation so just popped in to offer a sitting ovation and general admiration.
Courage to you both.
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I ended up calling him.
I was betting on the fact that his attorney was telling him they could negotiate their way out of it, and that was clearly what happened.
I spent 45 minutes with him trying to convince me why SCRAM should make me feel better and then why the court would probably deny me, because "what am I going to say?"
Some tense discussion, but I let him know that our 3+ year history looks pretty awful when it's strung across six pages. And successfully made my point: sign the order or it's a motion.
We did have some good discussion about his concerns, but I essentially told him to "let go and let God" and trust that if I felt he was recovering, I would act accordingly.
Gave him until noon tomorrow to decide if he wants to sign.
At the end he sounded so sincere. I need to remind myself: he is ALWAYS like this in early recovery. And I was convinced he was drinking again JUST LAST WEEK. I need to see the cycle so I don't get sucked in...
I was betting on the fact that his attorney was telling him they could negotiate their way out of it, and that was clearly what happened.
I spent 45 minutes with him trying to convince me why SCRAM should make me feel better and then why the court would probably deny me, because "what am I going to say?"
Some tense discussion, but I let him know that our 3+ year history looks pretty awful when it's strung across six pages. And successfully made my point: sign the order or it's a motion.
We did have some good discussion about his concerns, but I essentially told him to "let go and let God" and trust that if I felt he was recovering, I would act accordingly.
Gave him until noon tomorrow to decide if he wants to sign.
At the end he sounded so sincere. I need to remind myself: he is ALWAYS like this in early recovery. And I was convinced he was drinking again JUST LAST WEEK. I need to see the cycle so I don't get sucked in...
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Originally Posted by Learning14 
Listen to your attorney. File and let it take its course.
This goes with that saying of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Change that.
This goes with that saying of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Change that.
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oh i don't doubt for a minute that he did NOT know your intentions.....however it was HIS intent to avoid, delay, prolong and sidestep YOUR plan. and for a time, it worked.....
even now, after more lengthy conversations, i am certain he will claim he did not understand, you sprung this on him out of nowhere, he did nothing wrong, you just wouldn't give him a chance, ad nauseum.
even now, after more lengthy conversations, i am certain he will claim he did not understand, you sprung this on him out of nowhere, he did nothing wrong, you just wouldn't give him a chance, ad nauseum.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
even now, after more lengthy conversations, i am certain he will claim he did not understand, you sprung this on him out of nowhere, he did nothing wrong, you just wouldn't give him a chance, ad nauseum.
It's exhausting. And back in my attorney's hands to deal with it.
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The attorneys spoke. Mine had suggested one further compromise as a means of settling, but apparently to no avail. Looks like we will be filing a petition.
The other attorney did ask that we not include all the gory detail. My attorney said that is worth considering, as doing so could backfire with some judges to share so much when it's not clearly necessary (e.g. not an emergency motion).
I just warned him we need to share enough to not wind up on the defensive when my XAH pulls together a narrative of how reasonable he's being / how controlling I'm being.
The other attorney did ask that we not include all the gory detail. My attorney said that is worth considering, as doing so could backfire with some judges to share so much when it's not clearly necessary (e.g. not an emergency motion).
I just warned him we need to share enough to not wind up on the defensive when my XAH pulls together a narrative of how reasonable he's being / how controlling I'm being.
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