Recovery and abuse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 4
Recovery and abuse
My husband has been sober for 16 months now. I am proud of his recovery but I am still being verbally abused by him. I used to attribute the verbal and physical abusive to alcohol. Immediately after returning home from his 28 day treatment center, he was so humble and thankful. That ended rather quickly. When something goes wrong I am attacked verbally and he looks for things that haven’t been done around the house and starts on me and it escalates to how fat I am, stupid, worthless. Then threatens me that I will live in hell. Or tells me he wants a divorce and he will make my life so miserable that I will leave.
I work a 40 hr week and I am suppose to take care of everything at the house as well.... cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, bills. As well I have to place him clothes in the bathroom for him each day, with a fresh towel, prepare his thermos of coffee each morning and send him out the door in a good mood. He says that’s my job.
I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this.
I work a 40 hr week and I am suppose to take care of everything at the house as well.... cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, bills. As well I have to place him clothes in the bathroom for him each day, with a fresh towel, prepare his thermos of coffee each morning and send him out the door in a good mood. He says that’s my job.
I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
This is NOT recovery in any way shape for form. It's physical sobriety and nothing more. If that's what his sobriety is going to look like, is it worth it to you? Real recovery changes a person from the inside in profound ways. His berating and belittling you and verbally abusing you is a sign that something is woefully missing from his recovery.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Karen.
Welcome to SR.
It often happens that when a drinker stops drinking, the dysfunction continues.
Just cuz they sober up doesn’t automatically make them good relationship material.
This is who your husband is, a verbal abuser.
Everyone deserves respect from their partner, everyone.
You do not have to take the abuse.
He also sounds like he has anger issues.
Do you have somewhere to go that is safe?
Welcome to SR.
It often happens that when a drinker stops drinking, the dysfunction continues.
Just cuz they sober up doesn’t automatically make them good relationship material.
This is who your husband is, a verbal abuser.
Everyone deserves respect from their partner, everyone.
You do not have to take the abuse.
He also sounds like he has anger issues.
Do you have somewhere to go that is safe?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Sounds like he wants slave not a wife and unfortunately abuse is usually separate to alcohol issues...ie alcoholics are not usually abusers so even sober your husband is continuing in his old patterns of behaviour I'd agree with the op that he is not in recovery. He's just stopped drinking and that is not enough for real changes and his verbal abuse of you is unlikely to stop.
I had to examine why I put up with this behaviour from my now exah and maybe you should think about that too cos from where I am sitting you are not getting anything out of your marriage. You deserve to be loved, cared for and be happy.
I had to examine why I put up with this behaviour from my now exah and maybe you should think about that too cos from where I am sitting you are not getting anything out of your marriage. You deserve to be loved, cared for and be happy.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
My RAH was in rehab for 90 days. It took him a good 7 weeks before he finally started getting insight to his manipulative ways. Now he never verbally or physically abused me but I guess what I'm saying is that for a lot of people 30 days in rehab isn't near enough. It takes a long time, and willingness from the A, to change behaviors and get insight to how they've been treating people. Is he still working a program, going to AA, seeing a therapist? If not things won't get better. He is a dry drunk. No alcohol but same behaviors (or is he really sober still?) because he has not learned other coping skills. You can't do that for him. If my RAH had come home after 30 days I'm fairly certain I would've left soon after because he wasn't near anywhere where he was after 90 days and even since then he has continued to change and make progress. Even with all the positive changes in him our marriage is far from being where it should be because I'm not sure I can get past everything that's happened.
If I were you I would pack up and leave. It either make him realize he has got to shape up and get serious and get treatment or he will continue his current path. You have no control over that. If he decides to get serious about his recovery give it time before you go back to him, because it will take a lot more than 30 day or even 4 or 5 months to show he has truly changed. And if he decides to follow his current path I would move on.
If you haven't gone to alanon yet please do so and get individual counseling for you (even if you leave) . Read codependent no more and educate yourself on addiction. Before my RAH went to rehab I really knew very little about addiction, which is why I put up with it for much longer than I should have. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish i would've had this forum and sought help for myself long ago but I just didn't realize the extent of it all.
You have found this forum. Get help for yourself and get out. Listen to what people have to say here because they've been there don't that and we all wish we would've known better sooner (well the majority of us anyway).
Alcohol or not, you're being abused and it is likely to escalate. Please get out. You don't owe him anything. He is manipulative. You are not responsible for his happiness, his sobriety or his lunch. He is a grown ass man. You are responsible for your own happiness and safety. Get to a safe place and cut all contact. And get counseling as soon as possible. It is hard to get clarity when you're being abused and manipulated, that's why so many stay in those relationships.
I would also document all his threats and save mesages and text messages just in case you ever need it
If I were you I would pack up and leave. It either make him realize he has got to shape up and get serious and get treatment or he will continue his current path. You have no control over that. If he decides to get serious about his recovery give it time before you go back to him, because it will take a lot more than 30 day or even 4 or 5 months to show he has truly changed. And if he decides to follow his current path I would move on.
If you haven't gone to alanon yet please do so and get individual counseling for you (even if you leave) . Read codependent no more and educate yourself on addiction. Before my RAH went to rehab I really knew very little about addiction, which is why I put up with it for much longer than I should have. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish i would've had this forum and sought help for myself long ago but I just didn't realize the extent of it all.
You have found this forum. Get help for yourself and get out. Listen to what people have to say here because they've been there don't that and we all wish we would've known better sooner (well the majority of us anyway).
Alcohol or not, you're being abused and it is likely to escalate. Please get out. You don't owe him anything. He is manipulative. You are not responsible for his happiness, his sobriety or his lunch. He is a grown ass man. You are responsible for your own happiness and safety. Get to a safe place and cut all contact. And get counseling as soon as possible. It is hard to get clarity when you're being abused and manipulated, that's why so many stay in those relationships.
I would also document all his threats and save mesages and text messages just in case you ever need it
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Recovery work is an ongoing process. It doesn't finish. When he came out of his 28 days recovery program you saw what he is capable of being like if he works on his recovery. That recovery work is why AAers continue to go to meetings, sponsor people, take inventories etc etc etc. Sounds like he is restless, irritable and discontent - the natural state of a sober alcoholic who isn't in an effective program of recovery. Thing is, you can't make him do that recovery work.
Have you considered AlAnon for yourself? It would help you to make healthy boundaries and not be as adversely affected by his quacking (sober or not, he is alcoholic without a program - he'll be quacking BIG time). I should imagine he's also feeling pretty desperate and miserable by now as well.
BB
Have you considered AlAnon for yourself? It would help you to make healthy boundaries and not be as adversely affected by his quacking (sober or not, he is alcoholic without a program - he'll be quacking BIG time). I should imagine he's also feeling pretty desperate and miserable by now as well.
BB
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It often happens that when a drinker stops drinking, the dysfunction continues.
Just cuz they sober up doesn’t automatically make them good relationship material.
Just cuz they sober up doesn’t automatically make them good relationship material.
It's time to stop looking at the alcoholic and decide what you're going to do. There's nothing you can say or do that will change him but you can changed your circumstances. A big hug!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
There are two ways I've been told to look at abuse in addiction. 1) The abuse is something that comes with the territory, and can be changed through lots and lots of work in recovery. 2) The abuse happens because the addict is an abuser and those are two separate issues. Also, it is not possible to change an abuser... they only learn, through counseling, how to manipulate people better because they know what "doesn't work" to keep you in line. The latter idea is something that a long time counselor of men who have committed domestic violence told me (many of the men she counseled also had substance abuse issues). She said that in her case, her job was to manage the "symptoms" of abusive men, but the abuser never stops being an abuser... in her experience. She said that they usually go from woman to woman, living a parasitic, entitled and self-destructive lifestyle and switching partners every few years -- could be 1 year, 5 or 10... once the woman catches on to the way he's treating her, he finds her replacement. In the worst case scenarios, the partner of an abusive person ends up dead accidentally (manslaughter), indirectly (sickness through chronic stress/sickness through self-medication), or on purpose (murder).
I agree with both 1 and 2. If an addict is routinely lying about their addiction, it opens a Pandora's box full of sketchy behavior that they are able to somehow justify to themselves. Because lying is really sketchy... and it's a slippery slope before you start lying to yourself about ALL your other behaviors. But also, there is a likelihood that the person you are dealing with is already abusive and just using their drinking/drugging as an excuse to be abusive. Abusive people are always people with "issues". They could be depressed, have PTSD, or unhappy for a variety of reasons but they choose to deal with their feelings by being selfish and cruel -- even to themselves. PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) also brings on depression and irritability and sometimes insomnia. Doesn't mean you should force yourself to feel sorry for them. A grown-up is a grown-up. If he's struggling, he can go to a doctor. It's useless to spend a lot of time going over the reasons for why someone treats you badly. In the end, that can often serve to justify their behavior (to yourself... at least in my case, that is what happened and how I ended up wasting years of my life).
So I guess you have to ask yourself:
1) Is this guy likely to change if he works hard at his sobriety? And the only way to know this is by looking at his actions both past and present. Don't listen to his words. He can say he wants to change... but saying it is not doing it.
2) Do you want to stick around and wait for him to change? Are you able to tolerate the life you are living with him? What is the life you want to live?
Agree with individual counseling, but only if the counselor has experience with addiction and domestic violence. Alanon also very good. If you think your husband has abuse issues that precede his alcohol use, under no circumstances do relationship counseling -- the only reason I say this is because I had a terrible experience with this. I was just made to feel as if his feelings/choice to drug were my responsibility as he was very good at manipulating the counselor (he could turn on the waterworks on cue).
I agree with both 1 and 2. If an addict is routinely lying about their addiction, it opens a Pandora's box full of sketchy behavior that they are able to somehow justify to themselves. Because lying is really sketchy... and it's a slippery slope before you start lying to yourself about ALL your other behaviors. But also, there is a likelihood that the person you are dealing with is already abusive and just using their drinking/drugging as an excuse to be abusive. Abusive people are always people with "issues". They could be depressed, have PTSD, or unhappy for a variety of reasons but they choose to deal with their feelings by being selfish and cruel -- even to themselves. PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) also brings on depression and irritability and sometimes insomnia. Doesn't mean you should force yourself to feel sorry for them. A grown-up is a grown-up. If he's struggling, he can go to a doctor. It's useless to spend a lot of time going over the reasons for why someone treats you badly. In the end, that can often serve to justify their behavior (to yourself... at least in my case, that is what happened and how I ended up wasting years of my life).
So I guess you have to ask yourself:
1) Is this guy likely to change if he works hard at his sobriety? And the only way to know this is by looking at his actions both past and present. Don't listen to his words. He can say he wants to change... but saying it is not doing it.
2) Do you want to stick around and wait for him to change? Are you able to tolerate the life you are living with him? What is the life you want to live?
Agree with individual counseling, but only if the counselor has experience with addiction and domestic violence. Alanon also very good. If you think your husband has abuse issues that precede his alcohol use, under no circumstances do relationship counseling -- the only reason I say this is because I had a terrible experience with this. I was just made to feel as if his feelings/choice to drug were my responsibility as he was very good at manipulating the counselor (he could turn on the waterworks on cue).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I'm very sorry to hear about what you're going through. I don't think you deserve to be treated like this, and you certainly don't deserve physical and verbal abuse. His actions towards you are very wrong.
Others have provided suggestions about domestic violence resources, which you may want to use now, or keep on hand in case you choose to use them in the future.
Once again, no one should have to live in fear of their spouse, whether that person is drinking or not.
Others have provided suggestions about domestic violence resources, which you may want to use now, or keep on hand in case you choose to use them in the future.
Once again, no one should have to live in fear of their spouse, whether that person is drinking or not.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
karen369
I wonder who put his clothes out for him while he was in recovery! I'd tell him I'm not your mother...
He could be still craving his drug and focusing his anger on you and not doing the self care he needs to be focusing on. Both of you need your own program for support and understanding, his is called his aftercare, yours would be Al-anon to help you deal with the Dr. Jeykel and Mr. Hyde.
Seriously, think about your own exit strategy for your safety. You are working full-time, what is his contribution to the marriage? Do you have your own "money" - can you sock away extra $$ in case things come to crisis you have a plan (at the very least you'll have a little savings).
Do you have other support, people that are aware of what is going on? Most Abusers escalate in their blame and anger to the point it can be very dangerous to stay in your situation. There are public agencies that can help you with resources if you have none that would be very discreet. Start with your county health or human services agencies for a list of providers or safe houses in your area. Good luck to you, wishing things can level out and you find some peace in your own home.
He could be still craving his drug and focusing his anger on you and not doing the self care he needs to be focusing on. Both of you need your own program for support and understanding, his is called his aftercare, yours would be Al-anon to help you deal with the Dr. Jeykel and Mr. Hyde.
Seriously, think about your own exit strategy for your safety. You are working full-time, what is his contribution to the marriage? Do you have your own "money" - can you sock away extra $$ in case things come to crisis you have a plan (at the very least you'll have a little savings).
Do you have other support, people that are aware of what is going on? Most Abusers escalate in their blame and anger to the point it can be very dangerous to stay in your situation. There are public agencies that can help you with resources if you have none that would be very discreet. Start with your county health or human services agencies for a list of providers or safe houses in your area. Good luck to you, wishing things can level out and you find some peace in your own home.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I'm so sorry.
No one deserves that. Not you, not anyone. What you said here stood out to me..... Or tells me he wants a divorce and he will make my life so miserable that I will leave. It seems like that's just what he is doing. Hugs to you sweetie.
No one deserves that. Not you, not anyone. What you said here stood out to me..... Or tells me he wants a divorce and he will make my life so miserable that I will leave. It seems like that's just what he is doing. Hugs to you sweetie.
Originally Posted by Karen369 
My husband has been sober for 16 months now. I am proud of his recovery but I am still being verbally abused by him. I used to attribute the verbal and physical abusive to alcohol. Immediately after returning home from his 28 day treatment center, he was so humble and thankful. That ended rather quickly. When something goes wrong I am attacked verbally and he looks for things that haven’t been done around the house and starts on me and it escalates to how fat I am, stupid, worthless. Then threatens me that I will live in hell. Or tells me he wants a divorce and he will make my life so miserable that I will leave.
I work a 40 hr week and I am suppose to take care of everything at the house as well.... cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, bills. As well I have to place him clothes in the bathroom for him each day, with a fresh towel, prepare his thermos of coffee each morning and send him out the door in a good mood. He says that’s my job.
I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this.
I work a 40 hr week and I am suppose to take care of everything at the house as well.... cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, bills. As well I have to place him clothes in the bathroom for him each day, with a fresh towel, prepare his thermos of coffee each morning and send him out the door in a good mood. He says that’s my job.
I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 02-08-2018 at 10:36 PM. Reason: Fixed broken quote
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Yuck!! Just yuck!!
Not something that you expected after getting sober. There is a saying on SR..... when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Hon, he is showing you. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Education is power. Do you homework and work on getting the hxll out of this abusive home. You are deserving of sooooo much more. Hugs!!
Not something that you expected after getting sober. There is a saying on SR..... when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Hon, he is showing you. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Education is power. Do you homework and work on getting the hxll out of this abusive home. You are deserving of sooooo much more. Hugs!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 4
You are correct. He is not working the program. He attends AA once a week because he was court ordered, however he is violating that because he was ordered to attend 3 times a week. He refuses to get a sponsor and does not have a higher power.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 4
You are correct. He is not working the program. He attends AA once a week because he was court ordered, however he is violating that because he was ordered to attend 3 times a week. He refuses to get a sponsor and does not have a higher power.
Originally Posted by BlownOne
This is NOT recovery in any way shape for form. It's physical sobriety and nothing more. If that's what his sobriety is going to look like, is it worth it to you? Real recovery changes a person from the inside in profound ways. His berating and belittling you and verbally abusing you is a sign that something is woefully missing from his recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 4
I did have an escape plan prior to his sobriety because he was violate. He no longer is but still verbally. I think putting together another plan is good idea My mom knows what is going on but she is up in age so I do keep a lot from her. I did attend Al anon for while and think it is time to return. Actually may go tonight. I am back to taking Xanax again just so I am not hysterical. I have not taken that in a long time
Originally Posted by Ladysadie
I wonder who put his clothes out for him while he was in recovery! I'd tell him I'm not your mother...
He could be still craving his drug and focusing his anger on you and not doing the self care he needs to be focusing on. Both of you need your own program for support and understanding, his is called his aftercare, yours would be Al-anon to help you deal with the Dr. Jeykel and Mr. Hyde.
Seriously, think about your own exit strategy for your safety. You are working full-time, what is his contribution to the marriage? Do you have your own "money" - can you sock away extra $$ in case things come to crisis you have a plan (at the very least you'll have a little savings).
Do you have other support, people that are aware of what is going on? Most Abusers escalate in their blame and anger to the point it can be very dangerous to stay in your situation. There are public agencies that can help you with resources if you have none that would be very discreet. Start with your county health or human services agencies for a list of providers or safe houses in your area. Good luck to you, wishing things can level out and you find some peace in your own home.
He could be still craving his drug and focusing his anger on you and not doing the self care he needs to be focusing on. Both of you need your own program for support and understanding, his is called his aftercare, yours would be Al-anon to help you deal with the Dr. Jeykel and Mr. Hyde.
Seriously, think about your own exit strategy for your safety. You are working full-time, what is his contribution to the marriage? Do you have your own "money" - can you sock away extra $$ in case things come to crisis you have a plan (at the very least you'll have a little savings).
Do you have other support, people that are aware of what is going on? Most Abusers escalate in their blame and anger to the point it can be very dangerous to stay in your situation. There are public agencies that can help you with resources if you have none that would be very discreet. Start with your county health or human services agencies for a list of providers or safe houses in your area. Good luck to you, wishing things can level out and you find some peace in your own home.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Sorry Karen, but your AH sounds like an abusive person. It is not the alcohol, it is his personality. You have to protect yourself and lay down some boundaries. If you are working and earning, then tell him things have to change, no more slaving over him.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by Givenup2018
Sorry Karen, but your AH sounds like an abusive person. It is not the alcohol, it is his personality. You have to protect yourself and lay down some boundaries. If you are working and earning, then tell him things have to change, no more slaving over him.
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