Too soon to date?
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Too soon to date?
I am not ready for a LTR, but I am feeling very lonely. It has been over 3 weeks since he vanished and I made the choice that no matter what I wouldn’t take him back if he came back (always my test). I don’t know if I am just being rash because of this hole that’s been left, but with friends busy in their own lives or wanting to do more “quiet” things that make t feel almost worse, I just need a little spark back into my life. And maybe even by doing that were he to show up again someday I would be stronger knowing I can be without him and with another and it isn’t the end of the world.
Thoughts? Too soon?
Thoughts? Too soon?
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Posts: 869
Originally Posted by Learning14 
Three weeks isn't a long time to get your mind clear after all that you've been through. Sounds a little rebounding to me, but hey, I'm divorced, so what do I know?
LOL
LOL
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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Smarie, you just posted this in another thread. You've had 3 years of chaos/crap going on in your life. Sort it out, come to terms with it, find and love yourself again, and then dive into something new. I agree with the 'rebounding' comment
Yep - basically have been a mess for the last 3 years of my life. Well, the first 6 months together the demon was kept at bay. Even now with him gone it is affecting me, maybe even worse or just as bad because I am left to go back to a life before him that I have to get reacquainted with. A “new normal” if you will. In my 39 years of life I would say this was the most significant experience I’ve had. I don’t even remember what serenity looked like.
Yep - basically have been a mess for the last 3 years of my life. Well, the first 6 months together the demon was kept at bay. Even now with him gone it is affecting me, maybe even worse or just as bad because I am left to go back to a life before him that I have to get reacquainted with. A “new normal” if you will. In my 39 years of life I would say this was the most significant experience I’ve had. I don’t even remember what serenity looked like.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I think that you are probably right that it is too soon for a "relationship" but that doesn't mean you can't put yourself out there and meet new people.
After I broke up with - well I won't go in to that, I waited about 6 months before going out socially again. I went out with a group and stayed with a group for several weeks.
Out dancing, listening to bands, having a good time but no dates.
It does lift you up, it does make life fun and if that is something you are interested in doing, why not. You meet new people, you meet people who actually listen to what you have to say and are interested and caring.
You will also meet some jerks and I would think you will be able to spot them coming a mile away now?
As for dating, you are really vulnerable right now and I think only you can decide if that's a good idea.
After I broke up with - well I won't go in to that, I waited about 6 months before going out socially again. I went out with a group and stayed with a group for several weeks.
Out dancing, listening to bands, having a good time but no dates.
It does lift you up, it does make life fun and if that is something you are interested in doing, why not. You meet new people, you meet people who actually listen to what you have to say and are interested and caring.
You will also meet some jerks and I would think you will be able to spot them coming a mile away now?
As for dating, you are really vulnerable right now and I think only you can decide if that's a good idea.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I can only speak for myself.
When I said, "I'm not looking for anything serious," I was trying to convince myself that was true. Because the truth was, I was afraid to be on my own, completely.
It was only when I made a commitment to single-hood and self-care that anything started to change for me. I faced all of my fears: I can't take care of myself, I will die alone, I will die of loneliness, no one will ever find me desirable again, no one will ever complete me. I could not have faced any of them by dating. I was not ready.
ONLY alone could I learn that I was good enough to exist in the world.
ONLY alone could I learn that being lonely was different than being alone.
ONLY alone could I learn that I was worthy of the most important love available to me in the world and in my lifetime: my own.
ONLY alone could I accept that being alone for the rest of my life would not be the worst possible thing that could happen to me.
And ONLY alone could I become the kind of person who was ready when the opportunity for a HEALTHY relationship came along.
In my case, dating would have been a distraction from the work I needed to do to get myself healthy. It would have fed my codependency inclinations and shredded my self-confidence. There are about eight million ways to have fun in the world -- with myself or others -- that DON'T involve dating, and in fact DO involve building one's own strong sense of self-esteem, self-respect, and self-love.
When I said, "I'm not looking for anything serious," I was trying to convince myself that was true. Because the truth was, I was afraid to be on my own, completely.
It was only when I made a commitment to single-hood and self-care that anything started to change for me. I faced all of my fears: I can't take care of myself, I will die alone, I will die of loneliness, no one will ever find me desirable again, no one will ever complete me. I could not have faced any of them by dating. I was not ready.
ONLY alone could I learn that I was good enough to exist in the world.
ONLY alone could I learn that being lonely was different than being alone.
ONLY alone could I learn that I was worthy of the most important love available to me in the world and in my lifetime: my own.
ONLY alone could I accept that being alone for the rest of my life would not be the worst possible thing that could happen to me.
And ONLY alone could I become the kind of person who was ready when the opportunity for a HEALTHY relationship came along.
In my case, dating would have been a distraction from the work I needed to do to get myself healthy. It would have fed my codependency inclinations and shredded my self-confidence. There are about eight million ways to have fun in the world -- with myself or others -- that DON'T involve dating, and in fact DO involve building one's own strong sense of self-esteem, self-respect, and self-love.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I agree that it may be too soon for a relationship, but no too soon to start spending time with a special someone. I don't really think it's been "three weeks." You have been going through this period for quite some time, even when he we present. Your mindset has been changing over the course of a while.
So friend, go enjoy yourself and get some happy "me" time in!!!!
So friend, go enjoy yourself and get some happy "me" time in!!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I am not ready 4 years post divorce but I see the advantages of single life now so am not bothered about being ready.. I answer to no one and have a massive bed to myself. ( well 4 cats in it too but still...) If I meet someone along the way it will be the icing on my cake but I don't think about it anymore.
If I'd started dating in the beginning I'd have stayed stuck in my needy/fixer rut.
If I'd started dating in the beginning I'd have stayed stuck in my needy/fixer rut.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
maybe even by doing that were he to show up again someday I would be stronger knowing I can be without him and with another and it isn’t the end of the world.
you kinda outed your motives there......
how about you continue to work on you, and on being ok within yourself, not relying on an OTHER to feel ok.
you kinda outed your motives there......
how about you continue to work on you, and on being ok within yourself, not relying on an OTHER to feel ok.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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I feel myself to be in much the same boat as SparkleKitty above. All my life, I have gone more or less directly from one relationship to another. I never had the experience of learning to depend on myself, to take care of myself, to listen to myself and see what I want or need--just me, myself, not in relation to any other person.
I'm not going to say it's always easy. I'm not going to say I'm not sometimes scared or lonesome. But I AM going to say that every time I feel those things, I am learning that I can find a way out of them on my own--it's not necessary to rely on another person for my basic wellbeing and stability, something I have never believed before. Friendship, social interaction, sharing and supporting--yes. But to trot out another of my "Wisdom of SR" folder quotes, "I never wanted to feel like my life depended on keeping someone else in it ever again."
And I can absolutely guarantee I would be learning none of this if I'd gotten involved w/someone right away after splitting w/XAH. It would have seemed so much easier to once again let Prince Charming take over my life and "make it all better." Been there, done that, and let's just say it certainly wasn't the most useful or healthy way I could have spent all those years.
YMMV, of course. But from what I remember of your posts, I doubt that it would be a bad idea to just give the "dating" thing a pass for a while. After all that has happened, it seems unlikely to me that you are in a place to either be a good prospect yourself or to be able to recognize a good prospect, so soon after ending a truly disastrous situation. My vote would be for letting the dust settle...
I'm not going to say it's always easy. I'm not going to say I'm not sometimes scared or lonesome. But I AM going to say that every time I feel those things, I am learning that I can find a way out of them on my own--it's not necessary to rely on another person for my basic wellbeing and stability, something I have never believed before. Friendship, social interaction, sharing and supporting--yes. But to trot out another of my "Wisdom of SR" folder quotes, "I never wanted to feel like my life depended on keeping someone else in it ever again."
And I can absolutely guarantee I would be learning none of this if I'd gotten involved w/someone right away after splitting w/XAH. It would have seemed so much easier to once again let Prince Charming take over my life and "make it all better." Been there, done that, and let's just say it certainly wasn't the most useful or healthy way I could have spent all those years.
YMMV, of course. But from what I remember of your posts, I doubt that it would be a bad idea to just give the "dating" thing a pass for a while. After all that has happened, it seems unlikely to me that you are in a place to either be a good prospect yourself or to be able to recognize a good prospect, so soon after ending a truly disastrous situation. My vote would be for letting the dust settle...
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Smarie, I would agree with everyone here, that it is way too soon.
Just my opinion, even if you just got out of a run of the mill relationship with a "normie"
, I still think it is too soon.
This could be a time of really delving into yourself, facing what's what and finding out what makes you tick and how you could tick healthier.
I think we all should be our own best company and have no fear of being alone.
All just MHO.
Just my opinion, even if you just got out of a run of the mill relationship with a "normie"
, I still think it is too soon.This could be a time of really delving into yourself, facing what's what and finding out what makes you tick and how you could tick healthier.
I think we all should be our own best company and have no fear of being alone.
All just MHO.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
It is an election year. Not a big one, but mid-term. Your political party wants you! Granted, you may marvel at how something can be tedious and fascinating at the same time. It's kind of interesting, though, and educational. I suspect there are caucuses coming up in the next few weeks.
Not your cup of tea? Your local animal shelter wants you! So does your local community theater: you can sell tickets or refreshments, usher people to their seats, help with reservations.
You seem very vulnerable. I guess I'd wonder what you hope to gain from dating, and what men would think you want. From someone who was out there recently, most men want something: some may be looking for a life partner. If that's the case, are you really in a position to offer that? Just as important, if after a couple dates, Mr. Right Now says, "We don't really have a lot in common. Best wishes" are you going to feel even more hurt? On the other hand, some men are looking for sex. No judging here, but will you feel like you need to comply? will you feel used later on if you do? Will you tend to fall in love with someone if you're intimate with him? I can tell you that stating "I'm not looking for anything serious" has a better than even chance of being perceived as "NSA sex to follow"
Most people date for one of those two reasons, not just to fill up hours in the day.
Not your cup of tea? Your local animal shelter wants you! So does your local community theater: you can sell tickets or refreshments, usher people to their seats, help with reservations.
You seem very vulnerable. I guess I'd wonder what you hope to gain from dating, and what men would think you want. From someone who was out there recently, most men want something: some may be looking for a life partner. If that's the case, are you really in a position to offer that? Just as important, if after a couple dates, Mr. Right Now says, "We don't really have a lot in common. Best wishes" are you going to feel even more hurt? On the other hand, some men are looking for sex. No judging here, but will you feel like you need to comply? will you feel used later on if you do? Will you tend to fall in love with someone if you're intimate with him? I can tell you that stating "I'm not looking for anything serious" has a better than even chance of being perceived as "NSA sex to follow"
Most people date for one of those two reasons, not just to fill up hours in the day.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I found too I had to sit with the feeling lonely and let it wash over me and know it didn't kill me. I absolutely knew I'd not be good for anyone or meet anyone but the same type as my ex until I had some serious heavy duty work done on myself. It's hard work having to examine ourselves and most don't bother they just rinse and repeat. Also if you are thinking of a FWB situation as an option I'd seriously advise against it. Done that (not proud to say) and it was a disaster for my self esteem and a distraction from what I needed to do to heal.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I think it sounds like you are immediately trying to fill that void with another dude....and I get it...I've done it over and over again...and it works, for a minute.
Just consider that part of the sickness of codependency is NEEDING someone to love us to make us feel better about ourselves. We tend to surround ourselves with people with the same level of 'health' that we have - we're positively magnetic. Again, I've chosen toxic friends, toxic bosses and toxic men over and over again. Ouch.
If we want to change and be healthier, I believe that we have to change those patterns and that thinking....and learn to fill that void with yourself, your hobbies, and your passions....and yeah, that means getting comfortable, and even being HAPPY alone!
You don't sound happy alone to me. It takes time, work, and the whole faking it till you make it thing, but I know you can do it!
Just consider that part of the sickness of codependency is NEEDING someone to love us to make us feel better about ourselves. We tend to surround ourselves with people with the same level of 'health' that we have - we're positively magnetic. Again, I've chosen toxic friends, toxic bosses and toxic men over and over again. Ouch.
If we want to change and be healthier, I believe that we have to change those patterns and that thinking....and learn to fill that void with yourself, your hobbies, and your passions....and yeah, that means getting comfortable, and even being HAPPY alone!
You don't sound happy alone to me. It takes time, work, and the whole faking it till you make it thing, but I know you can do it!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Smarie.....my opinion on this....No,,no..no. In fact, I would advise that you read SparkleKitty's post over and over, again...especially the last paragraph.....
We tend to repeat, over and over, our former patterns...unless we come to understand and learn to cope with whatever dynamic caused the patterns, in the first place.....and, you haven't begun to scratch the surface of the understanding of yours....
I think you are underestimating how easy it is to find yourself with the same kind of partner...just one that doesn't look like the other kind...on the surface...
My experience tells me that one can think "not anything serious"....but, the hormones of attraction take only seconds to hit the blood stream...and, wham--sucked in by the Siren Call again!
I think it is similar to the person who goes into rehab, and jumps into a relationship with someone, there, because it feels good in that moment--takes away the uncomfortable feelings of working on their sobriety....it never works out, and delays the work on true recovery, that much longer....
I think Sparkle Kitty is so right...that there are a million ways to have fun, increase your self esteem and keep too much lonliness at bay....
Healthy people attract healthy people....
I think it will probably take about two years to mourn this relationship...dig into the dynamics of your issues...with your therapist (on a regular basis , again)....the help of alanon....and change the ingrained habits....
I read, by an experienced woman wo works with women who have been abused...and she said that it takes more than just time between men...one can avoid men for years, and, the same dynamics rear up again...unless there has been some intense therapy and work on self awareness and esteem, in the meantime......lol (not unlike the alcoholic who thinks they can do controlled drinking after a period of white-knuckling)....
sorry to be the one to rain on your parade...but, I do fear that you would be walking on very, very thin ice, to begin "dating" again.....
We tend to repeat, over and over, our former patterns...unless we come to understand and learn to cope with whatever dynamic caused the patterns, in the first place.....and, you haven't begun to scratch the surface of the understanding of yours....
I think you are underestimating how easy it is to find yourself with the same kind of partner...just one that doesn't look like the other kind...on the surface...
My experience tells me that one can think "not anything serious"....but, the hormones of attraction take only seconds to hit the blood stream...and, wham--sucked in by the Siren Call again!
I think it is similar to the person who goes into rehab, and jumps into a relationship with someone, there, because it feels good in that moment--takes away the uncomfortable feelings of working on their sobriety....it never works out, and delays the work on true recovery, that much longer....
I think Sparkle Kitty is so right...that there are a million ways to have fun, increase your self esteem and keep too much lonliness at bay....
Healthy people attract healthy people....
I think it will probably take about two years to mourn this relationship...dig into the dynamics of your issues...with your therapist (on a regular basis , again)....the help of alanon....and change the ingrained habits....
I read, by an experienced woman wo works with women who have been abused...and she said that it takes more than just time between men...one can avoid men for years, and, the same dynamics rear up again...unless there has been some intense therapy and work on self awareness and esteem, in the meantime......lol (not unlike the alcoholic who thinks they can do controlled drinking after a period of white-knuckling)....
sorry to be the one to rain on your parade...but, I do fear that you would be walking on very, very thin ice, to begin "dating" again.....
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
IDGAF
https://youtu.be/0u8gHxKxQc8
Being alone, spending time with me, myself and I was difficult at first... and then I found much more of ME to like than I ever thought possible. I am now my best friend in many very good ways!
I have very solid likes and dislikes, not influenced by anyone else. I can float down a wide beautiful river on a tube by myself, enjoying the water, sun and joyfulness of the moment. I can take a drive through the city or rural areas with the radio up as loud as I want. I can stop and explore anywhere that strikes me as the desire hits... and this started happening more as I got comfortable spending time with myself.
Sometimes I find myself at an in-between place in my life... or at the edge of a huge void... and those FEEL completely uncomfortable... yet somewhere in embracing those... in leaning in towards them... I find more release from past pain and trauma... and more goodness and beauty that completes me.
Now when I am with anyone else, I know my own voice. I also am seeing relationships differently and VALUE myself in a completely different way that I feel through every bit of me. My heart, my mind, my muscles, my bones are stronger. I feel connected to myself in ways I didn't know I was missing.
https://youtu.be/0u8gHxKxQc8
Being alone, spending time with me, myself and I was difficult at first... and then I found much more of ME to like than I ever thought possible. I am now my best friend in many very good ways!
I have very solid likes and dislikes, not influenced by anyone else. I can float down a wide beautiful river on a tube by myself, enjoying the water, sun and joyfulness of the moment. I can take a drive through the city or rural areas with the radio up as loud as I want. I can stop and explore anywhere that strikes me as the desire hits... and this started happening more as I got comfortable spending time with myself.
Sometimes I find myself at an in-between place in my life... or at the edge of a huge void... and those FEEL completely uncomfortable... yet somewhere in embracing those... in leaning in towards them... I find more release from past pain and trauma... and more goodness and beauty that completes me.
Now when I am with anyone else, I know my own voice. I also am seeing relationships differently and VALUE myself in a completely different way that I feel through every bit of me. My heart, my mind, my muscles, my bones are stronger. I feel connected to myself in ways I didn't know I was missing.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Maybe just casual dating
welp, just a couple thoughts i have.
"casual dating" means having sex.
having sex involves feelings for someone 3 weeks out of years of insanity.
feelings can, and probably will, open a whole new can of worms with a new person.
welp, just a couple thoughts i have.
"casual dating" means having sex.
having sex involves feelings for someone 3 weeks out of years of insanity.
feelings can, and probably will, open a whole new can of worms with a new person.
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