I am a recovering alcoholic
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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I am a recovering alcoholic
Like the tittle states i am a recovering alcoholic i go to AA and i am working the steps. I now know i had/have a problem, i lost my wife to this have a son i want to make things right but of course theres no trust and she doesnt believe that i can be a better person. I truly want to be a better person, husband and dad to my 4 year old son. I know i screwed up and i know i have a problem and i am really ashamed and regret the person that i became but i cant change the past if i could i would. Any advise would be aprecciated from the other side good or bad i should just let her go and move on i caused so much harm i just hate to see my son miss out on having a family but i dont know what to do. I am doing this for myself but i would really like to have family that i lost back but that probally will never happend. Any encouragement or advice good or bad will be appreciated i know i was selfish and i know i had a choice i know its no one elses but my fault
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
How long have you been sober? Because that would probably affect how I'd answer? First of all congrats on your sobriety, it's the the best thing for you regardless of what happens to your family situation. Without sobriety it could've only gotten worse.
Assuming you are just recently sober and working a program/doing counseling etc, you really need to focus on you right now so that you can be the better person you want to be. That won't happen overnight, it is a long a slow process but some likely bumps in the road (not that you relapse necessarily but just it is very hard to change and so you may revert back to some old habits from time to time such as manipulation or reactivity. Give it time. You can tell your wife you are sorry for all the pain you caused her etc but words don't mean much when trust has been broken,. Actions do. You need to show her you are a changed person through your actions but it will likely take a lot of,time to rebuild that trust. And it is possible that you won't be able to gain back her trust to a level that is needed but then you know you did your best. Just like we can't control the alcoholic, you can't control how she feels and you can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Give her space, she likely needs it. She may need a lot of it. Is she doing anything for herself such as alanon and or counseling. Are you doing marriage counseling? My RAH is a little over a year out of rehab and sobriety wise is doing really well. But I'm not gonna lie, he has been an alcoholic sic e he was a teenager and we've been together for almost 16 years. He stopped and relapsed several times (on his own without any help) over the years and the last 2 years were the hardest for me and I detached in a big kind of a way. I had to. Rehab was not kind to us (often early recovery is also mercy ahead on the relationship that was already damaged to begin with ) and it has been a very tough year. I have a lot of anger and resentment. Had I not done counseling I would've probably already left but that wouldn't have been a very healthy way. Your wife should seek help too because the alcohol didn't just affect you, it affected her as well and much differently than you. I don't know if my marriage will survive this. I'm still here because of my kid and we still have lots of unresolved issues and resentments that really need to be worked out regardless of what happens. I have a friend who was so done when her H went to rehab but they managed to save their marriage but it took well over a year.
Focus on your sobriety and changing your self. Be there for your kid who probably hasn't had much time with you over the years. Don't push your wife too much by trying to overcompensate and being too nice and trying too hard, be yourself. Give her space. If she hasn't already done so encourage her to check out alanon an or do counseling. She has suffered a lot more than like during your addiction and it would be good for her to work through that. She needs to work on herself. You are both likely different people if you are working a program, and wether or not you will still be compatible, only time will tell. It is going to take time for her to trust that you have really changed. If you are like most alcoholics you've probably quit before and then relapsed. This wears on the non alcoholic obviously. So it will take time for her to believe that this time it will stick. She probably had been disappointed before. My RAH was clean for 13 months the last time he tried quitting on his own without any sort of treatment. He was not fun to be around and then he started again. Alcoholics that are recently sober often feel like now that they are sober everybody should be able to just move on but that's not how it works in real life, we've been hurt too many times so getting clean is nice but it doesn't take away everything we've had to live through. It takes time. And sometimes evetying works out for the marriage and sometimes it doesn't, just work on being a better person and better dad for now. Once your wife sees that you have truly changed she may come around, but she may not. On,y time will tell. Don't rush things. I'd give it at least a year. Lots can change in a year. My RAH has changed a lot still over the past year. Despite that I have a hard time bouncing back from this. But regardless of what happens between the two of us, he had to become a better functioning person for himself most importantly. And my kid had a dad she can do stuff with now. Even if your marriage ends up not surviving this, you will still be a happier person in the long run if you stay clean and you can be a good dad to your kid. None of that would be the case if you kept drinking.
I wish you the best of luck with your recovery and hope things will work out for you and your wife, but be patient, very patient.
Assuming you are just recently sober and working a program/doing counseling etc, you really need to focus on you right now so that you can be the better person you want to be. That won't happen overnight, it is a long a slow process but some likely bumps in the road (not that you relapse necessarily but just it is very hard to change and so you may revert back to some old habits from time to time such as manipulation or reactivity. Give it time. You can tell your wife you are sorry for all the pain you caused her etc but words don't mean much when trust has been broken,. Actions do. You need to show her you are a changed person through your actions but it will likely take a lot of,time to rebuild that trust. And it is possible that you won't be able to gain back her trust to a level that is needed but then you know you did your best. Just like we can't control the alcoholic, you can't control how she feels and you can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Give her space, she likely needs it. She may need a lot of it. Is she doing anything for herself such as alanon and or counseling. Are you doing marriage counseling? My RAH is a little over a year out of rehab and sobriety wise is doing really well. But I'm not gonna lie, he has been an alcoholic sic e he was a teenager and we've been together for almost 16 years. He stopped and relapsed several times (on his own without any help) over the years and the last 2 years were the hardest for me and I detached in a big kind of a way. I had to. Rehab was not kind to us (often early recovery is also mercy ahead on the relationship that was already damaged to begin with ) and it has been a very tough year. I have a lot of anger and resentment. Had I not done counseling I would've probably already left but that wouldn't have been a very healthy way. Your wife should seek help too because the alcohol didn't just affect you, it affected her as well and much differently than you. I don't know if my marriage will survive this. I'm still here because of my kid and we still have lots of unresolved issues and resentments that really need to be worked out regardless of what happens. I have a friend who was so done when her H went to rehab but they managed to save their marriage but it took well over a year.
Focus on your sobriety and changing your self. Be there for your kid who probably hasn't had much time with you over the years. Don't push your wife too much by trying to overcompensate and being too nice and trying too hard, be yourself. Give her space. If she hasn't already done so encourage her to check out alanon an or do counseling. She has suffered a lot more than like during your addiction and it would be good for her to work through that. She needs to work on herself. You are both likely different people if you are working a program, and wether or not you will still be compatible, only time will tell. It is going to take time for her to trust that you have really changed. If you are like most alcoholics you've probably quit before and then relapsed. This wears on the non alcoholic obviously. So it will take time for her to believe that this time it will stick. She probably had been disappointed before. My RAH was clean for 13 months the last time he tried quitting on his own without any sort of treatment. He was not fun to be around and then he started again. Alcoholics that are recently sober often feel like now that they are sober everybody should be able to just move on but that's not how it works in real life, we've been hurt too many times so getting clean is nice but it doesn't take away everything we've had to live through. It takes time. And sometimes evetying works out for the marriage and sometimes it doesn't, just work on being a better person and better dad for now. Once your wife sees that you have truly changed she may come around, but she may not. On,y time will tell. Don't rush things. I'd give it at least a year. Lots can change in a year. My RAH has changed a lot still over the past year. Despite that I have a hard time bouncing back from this. But regardless of what happens between the two of us, he had to become a better functioning person for himself most importantly. And my kid had a dad she can do stuff with now. Even if your marriage ends up not surviving this, you will still be a happier person in the long run if you stay clean and you can be a good dad to your kid. None of that would be the case if you kept drinking.
I wish you the best of luck with your recovery and hope things will work out for you and your wife, but be patient, very patient.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
Your child is 50 % of both of you. That is a beautiful thing. Do not be afraid of being a father. I kept feeling like my husband kept falling apart. That is just it as a parent. There is not really a lot of room to fall apart. You do have to protect your child and be a good example yourself. You do have a choice on how you live your life now and in the future.
I took a lot of hits being the sober parent. It is understandable that your wife will need some space and that she needs to care of herself now.
With divorce, there is more time given to the parent based on good behavior and less time based on bad behavior. So treasure and make the most of the time that you do have with your son now. My husband likes to play video games with our son, and he got my daughter and son a nintendo game set. My kids like playing the Mario game the best. My husband is slowly giving some of his baseball cards to our son and sharing his collection. He is really good with playing with both kids and always does a good job with picking out great gifts for both kids. He has built a lot of playmobil and lego sets with our son (and by the way, I just put together a Playmobil Grand Princess Castle for our daughter, and that was not easy but it was worth just seeing her smile and seeing her play with the castle after it was put together). He takes my son to his soccer practices, soccer games, and cub scout meetings.
I took a lot of hits being the sober parent. It is understandable that your wife will need some space and that she needs to care of herself now.
With divorce, there is more time given to the parent based on good behavior and less time based on bad behavior. So treasure and make the most of the time that you do have with your son now. My husband likes to play video games with our son, and he got my daughter and son a nintendo game set. My kids like playing the Mario game the best. My husband is slowly giving some of his baseball cards to our son and sharing his collection. He is really good with playing with both kids and always does a good job with picking out great gifts for both kids. He has built a lot of playmobil and lego sets with our son (and by the way, I just put together a Playmobil Grand Princess Castle for our daughter, and that was not easy but it was worth just seeing her smile and seeing her play with the castle after it was put together). He takes my son to his soccer practices, soccer games, and cub scout meetings.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Frank,
Good advice here already.
Congrats on your sober time! I’m with sleepyhollo, my response probably a little different based on your sober time. I’m guessing you are early in recovery though so I’ll answer like that...
I lost my mother to addiction then became an alcoholic myself. I would give anything to have a mom in recovery.
Keep up your program. If it’s aa, work that program like your life depends on it. Because it does. Do the steps with a sponsor and do them with complete honesty.
You can’t convince your spouse that you are changing. You have to change. With time and consistency, she’ll notice. That’s really all you can hope for at this point. If you give yourself to recovery, you don’t have to THINK about becoming a better parent, you just WILL.
Work your recovery, be honest with yourself and others. Don’t worry about outcomes, you aren’t there yet. Your only job right now is recovery, the rest will fall into place. The outcomes may or may not be what you want right now, but they will be what’s best for you and those close to you.
I say this as both the family member of an addict and as a person who has been through the steps. My life is immeasurably better thanks to recovery. Part of me is the person I was before I became a drunk, but part of me is someone far stronger than that scared girl who’s family blew up because of addiction. Do your job and you can be a new man.
You can do this.
Good advice here already.
Congrats on your sober time! I’m with sleepyhollo, my response probably a little different based on your sober time. I’m guessing you are early in recovery though so I’ll answer like that...
I lost my mother to addiction then became an alcoholic myself. I would give anything to have a mom in recovery.
Keep up your program. If it’s aa, work that program like your life depends on it. Because it does. Do the steps with a sponsor and do them with complete honesty.
You can’t convince your spouse that you are changing. You have to change. With time and consistency, she’ll notice. That’s really all you can hope for at this point. If you give yourself to recovery, you don’t have to THINK about becoming a better parent, you just WILL.
Work your recovery, be honest with yourself and others. Don’t worry about outcomes, you aren’t there yet. Your only job right now is recovery, the rest will fall into place. The outcomes may or may not be what you want right now, but they will be what’s best for you and those close to you.
I say this as both the family member of an addict and as a person who has been through the steps. My life is immeasurably better thanks to recovery. Part of me is the person I was before I became a drunk, but part of me is someone far stronger than that scared girl who’s family blew up because of addiction. Do your job and you can be a new man.
You can do this.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi Frank. I want to commend you on your recovery, and on being brave and coming here and asking the questions you have asked.
I can only say that this was not created in a short amount of time, and it won't be healed in a short amount of time. It takes a long time to build up trust, and sometimes it's no possible. What I see a lot is the qualifier being expected to gain this trust in a short amount of time, which just won't happen.
I think the best thing you can do for your child, yourself, and your wife is to continue on in your recovery, do not relapse, and exhibit trustworthy behavior, 100% OF THE TIME.
Good luck to you!
I can only say that this was not created in a short amount of time, and it won't be healed in a short amount of time. It takes a long time to build up trust, and sometimes it's no possible. What I see a lot is the qualifier being expected to gain this trust in a short amount of time, which just won't happen.
I think the best thing you can do for your child, yourself, and your wife is to continue on in your recovery, do not relapse, and exhibit trustworthy behavior, 100% OF THE TIME.
Good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
We've had some really conversations about what it's like for F&F members on our side of things. I think the number one thing we feel is lacking from our qualifiers is having you hear our stories with true empathy for our experiences & struggles without personalizing it somehow to your own memories or impressions. Listening to comprehend instead of hearing just to respond:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ide-fence.html (What does it look like on the other side of the fence?)
This one sort of dissolved, but still lots of heartfelt shares:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ther-side.html (Advice from the other side)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ide-fence.html (What does it look like on the other side of the fence?)
This one sort of dissolved, but still lots of heartfelt shares:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ther-side.html (Advice from the other side)
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Impressed with how you are sharing whats so deeply in your heart and very much respect your goals of health, parenting, family.
I can only reply based on my own experiences with my husband. I love him and always have. There was a time when I didnt like to be around him because of his behaviors and in my case I couldnt always be around him because there was also some violent behavior. Trust was broken, communication was crippled, disappointment, pain, fear were all part of the mix with us. He got help and slowly became healthy again. Nothing makes me happier than to know he is evolving into a person he himself loves, respects and wants to be.
There is a lot that goes into a relationship and it takes work for any couple. Addiction makes that so much more complicated and for some that alone can be a deal breaker. There are no guarantees on rebuilding trust and finding a way to reconnect when a marriage is fractured. I personally had to follow both my heart and my head. I had to seek out help through therapy to work through my emotions, and fears. I needed to do family therapy with my husband (when we were both ready) as it helped us build bridges and discuss painful topics. We cant force other people to feel, to work, or to try. In our case we both wanted to.
We also have a son, a newborn. He was born as we were struggling to figure things out. He is not mine, he is ours. I want my husband to be a great dad much more than I want him to be a great husband. My son will always come before me. I will always be protective, want him to be safe, happy, and healthy both physically, emotionally. My feeling now is even if we should end our marriage one day (which I dont see happening at this point) I hope that I will always be open to friendship with my sons father. I will always support him and want the best for him.
I can only suggest that you stay strong in your recovery plan, show by actions who you are now and dont focus too much on the past. ) My husband and I have had many convos over how we cant change the past. We dont want to live in the past and keep that pain alive. Only by learning from it, letting it go can we be at peace and create the future we both want). And be the best parent that you can be, even if there are possibly restrictions at the moment. Kids need both parents as active participants in their lives if possible.
Thank you for posting. I think its good for family to know there are many people dealing with addiction who have goals related to their health, AND also goals related to parenting and family.
I can only reply based on my own experiences with my husband. I love him and always have. There was a time when I didnt like to be around him because of his behaviors and in my case I couldnt always be around him because there was also some violent behavior. Trust was broken, communication was crippled, disappointment, pain, fear were all part of the mix with us. He got help and slowly became healthy again. Nothing makes me happier than to know he is evolving into a person he himself loves, respects and wants to be.
There is a lot that goes into a relationship and it takes work for any couple. Addiction makes that so much more complicated and for some that alone can be a deal breaker. There are no guarantees on rebuilding trust and finding a way to reconnect when a marriage is fractured. I personally had to follow both my heart and my head. I had to seek out help through therapy to work through my emotions, and fears. I needed to do family therapy with my husband (when we were both ready) as it helped us build bridges and discuss painful topics. We cant force other people to feel, to work, or to try. In our case we both wanted to.
We also have a son, a newborn. He was born as we were struggling to figure things out. He is not mine, he is ours. I want my husband to be a great dad much more than I want him to be a great husband. My son will always come before me. I will always be protective, want him to be safe, happy, and healthy both physically, emotionally. My feeling now is even if we should end our marriage one day (which I dont see happening at this point) I hope that I will always be open to friendship with my sons father. I will always support him and want the best for him.
I can only suggest that you stay strong in your recovery plan, show by actions who you are now and dont focus too much on the past. ) My husband and I have had many convos over how we cant change the past. We dont want to live in the past and keep that pain alive. Only by learning from it, letting it go can we be at peace and create the future we both want). And be the best parent that you can be, even if there are possibly restrictions at the moment. Kids need both parents as active participants in their lives if possible.
Thank you for posting. I think its good for family to know there are many people dealing with addiction who have goals related to their health, AND also goals related to parenting and family.
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