Son back to drinking - life won't end well
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
Son back to drinking - life won't end well
As I have posted before, my son lives 1700 miles away with his girlfriend. He moved there 2 years ago to a state where weed is legal. His alcohol problem has followed him there. Got a DUI in March of 2016, spent a night in jail and was on probation for a year. The girlfriend moved out in June of 2016. He was on probation for a year and as soon as that was up he sold his car because he would have had to have the breathalyzer in. He is the most selfish and manipulative person I have ever met. He started drinking heavily again and it isn't good. His girlfriend told me today that she won't be renewing the lease in June and is moving back home. She won't tell him until it gets closer due to how he will react. I understand why. I just don't know what to do. He will be suicidal. He will not be able to afford the place. He has 2 pets that will be homeless. I can't pay his rent for him. Where do I turn? What do I do? She told me I can't tell him what she said. I plan to tell him tonight that he must call AA and admit he needs help for his life to turn around. I have been to Alonon many times. I didn't get anything from it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I plan to tell him tonight that he must call AA and admit he needs help for his life to turn around. I have been to Alonon many times. I didn't get anything from it.
couple things jump out here - first why MUST you DO anything? his gf called you in CONFIDENCE and is trying to make it thru another few months before leaving. she asked you NOT to say anything for FEAR of how he might react. so you have HER safety consider.
and yet you PLAN to TELL him tonite that he MUST address his drinking.
secondly, you plan to TELL HIM what HE must do - that HE must go to AA admit his problem follow the program and get well.
and yet...........you won't do the same. you say it didn't work for you. but you insist that HE "get with the program".
what if..........you worked the recovery you wish he would and you let him manage his life however poorly he chooses.
couple things jump out here - first why MUST you DO anything? his gf called you in CONFIDENCE and is trying to make it thru another few months before leaving. she asked you NOT to say anything for FEAR of how he might react. so you have HER safety consider.
and yet you PLAN to TELL him tonite that he MUST address his drinking.
secondly, you plan to TELL HIM what HE must do - that HE must go to AA admit his problem follow the program and get well.
and yet...........you won't do the same. you say it didn't work for you. but you insist that HE "get with the program".
what if..........you worked the recovery you wish he would and you let him manage his life however poorly he chooses.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Where do I turn? What do I do?
You have the opportunity to turn to Alanon and to find counseling with therapists who have experience with this family disease of alcoholism.
You have the opportunity to to go Alanon meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps.
Many family members do this EVERY day. It's a common occurrence that has helped many families find HEALING, whether the alcohol/addict gets sober or not.
The three C's are I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it and I can't CURE it.
What comes into play in a different way is Contributing to the insanity of the disease. Our crazy feeds the addict's crazy. Recovery for each of us, and for the family as a whole, is counter-intuitive and benefits greatly by a lot of outside support from those who've been through this.
You have the opportunity to turn to Alanon and to find counseling with therapists who have experience with this family disease of alcoholism.
You have the opportunity to to go Alanon meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps.
Many family members do this EVERY day. It's a common occurrence that has helped many families find HEALING, whether the alcohol/addict gets sober or not.
The three C's are I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it and I can't CURE it.
What comes into play in a different way is Contributing to the insanity of the disease. Our crazy feeds the addict's crazy. Recovery for each of us, and for the family as a whole, is counter-intuitive and benefits greatly by a lot of outside support from those who've been through this.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
He will be suicidal. He will not be able to afford the place. He has 2 pets that will be homeless.
These statements and this attitude does not help your son in any way.
He is a person who has a chronic, progressive disease that is helped by having a completely different attitude. This is where self-work, self-recovery from family members becomes so beneficial.
Not everyone with cancer makes it through.
Not everyone with addictions and mental illness make it through.
Yet RECOVERY is possible. First step... reach out for help. I'm not sure, from your post here, if you're reaching out for help or wanting to stir up drama in your life. Perhaps something to consider...
My husband is in Recovery from alcoholism, mental illness and depression. He may not see it that way, and we get to have our own viewpoints. His memories, thoughts and viewpoints are different than mine.
Our relationship is improving greatly BECAUSE I was able to get my own help from the trauma these diseases caused in my life. I learned how to treat him with dignity and respect, and often that didn't look like my pre-conceived notions of it!
These statements and this attitude does not help your son in any way.
He is a person who has a chronic, progressive disease that is helped by having a completely different attitude. This is where self-work, self-recovery from family members becomes so beneficial.
Not everyone with cancer makes it through.
Not everyone with addictions and mental illness make it through.
Yet RECOVERY is possible. First step... reach out for help. I'm not sure, from your post here, if you're reaching out for help or wanting to stir up drama in your life. Perhaps something to consider...
My husband is in Recovery from alcoholism, mental illness and depression. He may not see it that way, and we get to have our own viewpoints. His memories, thoughts and viewpoints are different than mine.
Our relationship is improving greatly BECAUSE I was able to get my own help from the trauma these diseases caused in my life. I learned how to treat him with dignity and respect, and often that didn't look like my pre-conceived notions of it!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hummingbird I think a lot of people come here (and to Alanon) looking for the magic words to fix their addicted loved one, and get very frustrated when advised to focus on themselves and their own behavior. It's a very natural reaction.
There's hundreds of years of experience in this forum everyday from people who have tried EVERYTHING to turn their unwilling addict husband/wife/daughter/son/sister/brother/mother/father/boyfriend/girlfriend/friend into a willing one. All we found was that we ultimately had no control over the addict and their choices, and that most of those things we tried to "fix" them only enabled them to keep at their DOC longer, and made ourselves just as sick in the process.
You've been through the ringer with your son. He's an adult, and responsible for the consequences of his actions. He knows about AA. He knows what he needs to do to stop. He just isn't ready to stop.
Maybe his girlfriend leaving and facing homelessness will help him reach whatever bottom he needs to reach before turning towards wellness. Maybe not. Either way, you have no control over it.
Instead, you can choose to let go and relieve yourself of the illusion of control we all very much wanted to believe we had, and live the kind of recovery you wish HE would.
There's hundreds of years of experience in this forum everyday from people who have tried EVERYTHING to turn their unwilling addict husband/wife/daughter/son/sister/brother/mother/father/boyfriend/girlfriend/friend into a willing one. All we found was that we ultimately had no control over the addict and their choices, and that most of those things we tried to "fix" them only enabled them to keep at their DOC longer, and made ourselves just as sick in the process.
You've been through the ringer with your son. He's an adult, and responsible for the consequences of his actions. He knows about AA. He knows what he needs to do to stop. He just isn't ready to stop.
Maybe his girlfriend leaving and facing homelessness will help him reach whatever bottom he needs to reach before turning towards wellness. Maybe not. Either way, you have no control over it.
Instead, you can choose to let go and relieve yourself of the illusion of control we all very much wanted to believe we had, and live the kind of recovery you wish HE would.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
I asked for help. For guidance.
The girlfriend told me that we will need to come out to be with him when she leaves because he will be a mess. I have been through this so many times. She leaves, he is suicidal, she comes back.
I wasn't going to tell him what she said.
He told me 2 weeks ago that he was trying to stop drinking and change. I was going to ask him to night how it was going. He text me at 4am about his anxiety attack and that he was crying again before work.
I will seek Alanon again but whenever I go they can't give advice.
The girlfriend told me that we will need to come out to be with him when she leaves because he will be a mess. I have been through this so many times. She leaves, he is suicidal, she comes back.
I wasn't going to tell him what she said.
He told me 2 weeks ago that he was trying to stop drinking and change. I was going to ask him to night how it was going. He text me at 4am about his anxiety attack and that he was crying again before work.
I will seek Alanon again but whenever I go they can't give advice.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
The girlfriend told me that we will need to come out to be with him when she leaves because he will be a mess.
Maybe the suicide threats are an attempt to get her back, and maybe they are a cry for help - either way, there is nothing that you being there will do to help.
When someone....when ANYONE threatens suicide, i recommend calling 911. They can help - we can not. If its an attempt to get her back, that'll probably put an end to that. If it's a cry for help, well, help will arrive.
Hang in there - I can't imagine my qualifier being a child. That would just be the worst. Hang in there - take care of you. No amount of you telling him to get help will fix his alcoholism, you can only take care of you. I imagine this is affecting you in so many horrible ways. (((HUGS))) to you.
And that's why Alanon doesn't give advice....its up to you to take care of you and you alone - and they drive that point home. And we will too.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I asked for help. For guidance.
yup and that is what you received.
the gf isn't moving until JUNE....that's is months away and yet you are ready to leap into ACTION now.
my suggestion was that you need not leap into action AT ALL. you do not need to intercede, or to tell him for the thousandth time what he NEEDS to do. he knows he has you on a short leash and can yank your chain any time he wants to.
if at any time we suspect someone of being a danger to themselves, we dial 911 and let the professionals deal with it.
perhaps you could de-escalate YOUR need to DO something a bit? at this point in time, NOTHING has happened...........
yup and that is what you received.
the gf isn't moving until JUNE....that's is months away and yet you are ready to leap into ACTION now.
my suggestion was that you need not leap into action AT ALL. you do not need to intercede, or to tell him for the thousandth time what he NEEDS to do. he knows he has you on a short leash and can yank your chain any time he wants to.
if at any time we suspect someone of being a danger to themselves, we dial 911 and let the professionals deal with it.
perhaps you could de-escalate YOUR need to DO something a bit? at this point in time, NOTHING has happened...........
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
somethingnthat jumped out at me
I have been through this so many times. She leaves, he is suicidal, she comes back.
insanity - doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
or
doing the same thing over and over knowing the results will be the same.
do you want off the merry go round?
im sure youve heard or read
you didnt cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it.
that sucks like a kirby,but true.
absolutely no one had the magic words or actions to get me sober.
I have been through this so many times. She leaves, he is suicidal, she comes back.
insanity - doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
or
doing the same thing over and over knowing the results will be the same.
do you want off the merry go round?
im sure youve heard or read
you didnt cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it.
that sucks like a kirby,but true.
absolutely no one had the magic words or actions to get me sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
He was suicidal 2 years ago. From 1700 miles away I called 911 and they came and took him. Called me from the hospital told me that he was not a threat to himself because he didn't have any weapons and they left him go. She wasn't even moved out there yet and this happened because she broke up with him over the phone.
Thank you for all of your advice. I know I need to let go. I know.
Thank you for all of your advice. I know I need to let go. I know.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, hummingbird.
Very sorry for your sadness.
The addiction of a child, even a grown one, is heartbreaking.
As others have said, and as hard as it is to hear, there isn’t anything you can do to change your son’s behavior.
There are posters to this site who have had to put their child in God’s hands, and let him/her live the way he/she has chosen.
my brother is an active alcoholic.
He has had numerous opportunities, including a stay in a sober house, to turn things around for good, yet he remains mired in his addiction.
I cannot change that. No one can.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Very sorry for your sadness.
The addiction of a child, even a grown one, is heartbreaking.
As others have said, and as hard as it is to hear, there isn’t anything you can do to change your son’s behavior.
There are posters to this site who have had to put their child in God’s hands, and let him/her live the way he/she has chosen.
my brother is an active alcoholic.
He has had numerous opportunities, including a stay in a sober house, to turn things around for good, yet he remains mired in his addiction.
I cannot change that. No one can.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
My son is an alcoholic too
I understand the pain you’re going through as I have been through it for many years with my 37 year old son.
He also chose to live half way around the world alone. He moved to Portland where marijuana is legal as he’s also addicted to that as well as beer. I’ve bailed him out every time he’s asked for money for rent and food. I’ve picked up the bill every time he’s walked out of yet another dead end job. I’ve worried myself sick every time he’s been kicked out of yet another girlfriend’s house or room he’s rented. I’ve spent thousands trying to ‘help’ him get his career back on track and help him get a ‘normal’ life.
He spent the last 3 months living in my house. I bent over backwards for him... paid his gym membership, cooked great food, bought him everything he said he needed to help him get back on track.
Last week I kicked him out. He was smoking pot and drinking and stealing from my bank account.
My advice is: save yourself.
I’m going to.
He also chose to live half way around the world alone. He moved to Portland where marijuana is legal as he’s also addicted to that as well as beer. I’ve bailed him out every time he’s asked for money for rent and food. I’ve picked up the bill every time he’s walked out of yet another dead end job. I’ve worried myself sick every time he’s been kicked out of yet another girlfriend’s house or room he’s rented. I’ve spent thousands trying to ‘help’ him get his career back on track and help him get a ‘normal’ life.
He spent the last 3 months living in my house. I bent over backwards for him... paid his gym membership, cooked great food, bought him everything he said he needed to help him get back on track.
Last week I kicked him out. He was smoking pot and drinking and stealing from my bank account.
My advice is: save yourself.
I’m going to.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Originally Posted by Codimum 
I understand the pain you’re going through as I have been through it for many years with my 37 year old son.
He also chose to live half way around the world alone. He moved to Portland where marijuana is legal as he’s also addicted to that as well as beer. I’ve bailed him out every time he’s asked for money for rent and food. I’ve picked up the bill every time he’s walked out of yet another dead end job. I’ve worried myself sick every time he’s been kicked out of yet another girlfriend’s house or room he’s rented. I’ve spent thousands trying to ‘help’ him get his career back on track and help him get a ‘normal’ life.
He spent the last 3 months living in my house. I bent over backwards for him... paid his gym membership, cooked great food, bought him everything he said he needed to help him get back on track.
Last week I kicked him out. He was smoking pot and drinking and stealing from my bank account.
My advice is: save yourself.
I’m going to.
He also chose to live half way around the world alone. He moved to Portland where marijuana is legal as he’s also addicted to that as well as beer. I’ve bailed him out every time he’s asked for money for rent and food. I’ve picked up the bill every time he’s walked out of yet another dead end job. I’ve worried myself sick every time he’s been kicked out of yet another girlfriend’s house or room he’s rented. I’ve spent thousands trying to ‘help’ him get his career back on track and help him get a ‘normal’ life.
He spent the last 3 months living in my house. I bent over backwards for him... paid his gym membership, cooked great food, bought him everything he said he needed to help him get back on track.
Last week I kicked him out. He was smoking pot and drinking and stealing from my bank account.
My advice is: save yourself.
I’m going to.
Courage and peace to you Cadmium.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
Yes, I’m heartbroken but he broke my heart a long time ago and I got used to the sad feeling. I have never given up hope that one day he would turn his life around and I would have given him anything he needed to make that happen. I did too much. Codependents make the mistake of thinking that we are helping them when the opposite is true. If only I had said no years ago. But when you get a call from the other side of the world from your only child, begging for money for rent and food, it’s hard to say no. Before he left, he said he was going back to Portland. He has no family or friends over there, no job, no insurance... nothing at all. But Portland has many stores selling marijuana. I’ll never understand why they’ve legalised the stuff. It can be very addictive for some. There are many craft breweries too in Portland.
My son would have stayed here in my cosy home forever if I had allowed him to be idle and spend his time wandering around from bar to bar or smoking pot in his room, cooking him nice meals and putting up with his moods. He’s really hoping I’m sad and lonely. He’s one enabler short do that must worry him.
Before he left he told me he was a ‘great son’ snd I was making him out to be some kind of monster.
Yes, a great son who at 37, takes as much as he can from his mother’s meagre savings that I worked hard to save for my retirement. A great son who thinks it’s okay to take my bank card to buy a bag potatoes that ended up costing $50 because it didn’t occur to him to ask me first if he could help himself to more money to buy drugs. What’s mine is his he thinks... except I am the one whio’s has to work hard for it.
I brought him up as s single parent. It was tough but I worked hard and I made a good career for myself. I loved him and cared for him and did everything I could for him. He had the best education, a cosy home and more.
The man he’s become is not the child I brought up. He’s my son but I cannot have him in my life.
My son would have stayed here in my cosy home forever if I had allowed him to be idle and spend his time wandering around from bar to bar or smoking pot in his room, cooking him nice meals and putting up with his moods. He’s really hoping I’m sad and lonely. He’s one enabler short do that must worry him.
Before he left he told me he was a ‘great son’ snd I was making him out to be some kind of monster.
Yes, a great son who at 37, takes as much as he can from his mother’s meagre savings that I worked hard to save for my retirement. A great son who thinks it’s okay to take my bank card to buy a bag potatoes that ended up costing $50 because it didn’t occur to him to ask me first if he could help himself to more money to buy drugs. What’s mine is his he thinks... except I am the one whio’s has to work hard for it.
I brought him up as s single parent. It was tough but I worked hard and I made a good career for myself. I loved him and cared for him and did everything I could for him. He had the best education, a cosy home and more.
The man he’s become is not the child I brought up. He’s my son but I cannot have him in my life.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
So, so sad, Codimum. I have an almost 8 year old, and I fear this for him - especially having an A for a mother.
((((HUGS)))) to you
((((HUGS)))) to you
Originally Posted by Codimum
Yes, I’m heartbroken but he broke my heart a long time ago and I got used to the sad feeling. I have never given up hope that one day he would turn his life around and I would have given him anything he needed to make that happen. I did too much. Codependents make the mistake of thinking that we are helping them when the opposite is true. If only I had said no years ago. But when you get a call from the other side of the world from your only child, begging for money for rent and food, it’s hard to say no. Before he left, he said he was going back to Portland. He has no family or friends over there, no job, no insurance... nothing at all. But Portland has many stores selling marijuana. I’ll never understand why they’ve legalised the stuff. It can be very addictive for some. There are many craft breweries too in Portland.
My son would have stayed here in my cosy home forever if I had allowed him to be idle and spend his time wandering around from bar to bar or smoking pot in his room, cooking him nice meals and putting up with his moods. He’s really hoping I’m sad and lonely. He’s one enabler short do that must worry him.
Before he left he told me he was a ‘great son’ snd I was making him out to be some kind of monster.
Yes, a great son who at 37, takes as much as he can from his mother’s meagre savings that I worked hard to save for my retirement. A great son who thinks it’s okay to take my bank card to buy a bag potatoes that ended up costing $50 because it didn’t occur to him to ask me first if he could help himself to more money to buy drugs. What’s mine is his he thinks... except I am the one whio’s has to work hard for it.
I brought him up as s single parent. It was tough but I worked hard and I made a good career for myself. I loved him and cared for him and did everything I could for him. He had the best education, a cosy home and more.
The man he’s become is not the child I brought up. He’s my son but I cannot have him in my life.
My son would have stayed here in my cosy home forever if I had allowed him to be idle and spend his time wandering around from bar to bar or smoking pot in his room, cooking him nice meals and putting up with his moods. He’s really hoping I’m sad and lonely. He’s one enabler short do that must worry him.
Before he left he told me he was a ‘great son’ snd I was making him out to be some kind of monster.
Yes, a great son who at 37, takes as much as he can from his mother’s meagre savings that I worked hard to save for my retirement. A great son who thinks it’s okay to take my bank card to buy a bag potatoes that ended up costing $50 because it didn’t occur to him to ask me first if he could help himself to more money to buy drugs. What’s mine is his he thinks... except I am the one whio’s has to work hard for it.
I brought him up as s single parent. It was tough but I worked hard and I made a good career for myself. I loved him and cared for him and did everything I could for him. He had the best education, a cosy home and more.
The man he’s become is not the child I brought up. He’s my son but I cannot have him in my life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
Originally Posted by Codimum
Yes, I’m heartbroken but he broke my heart a long time ago and I got used to the sad feeling. I have never given up hope that one day he would turn his life around and I would have given him anything he needed to make that happen. I did too much. Codependents make the mistake of thinking that we are helping them when the opposite is true. If only I had said no years ago. But when you get a call from the other side of the world from your only child, begging for money for rent and food, it’s hard to say no. Before he left, he said he was going back to Portland. He has no family or friends over there, no job, no insurance... nothing at all. But Portland has many stores selling marijuana. I’ll never understand why they’ve legalised the stuff. It can be very addictive for some. There are many craft breweries too in Portland.
My son would have stayed here in my cosy home forever if I had allowed him to be idle and spend his time wandering around from bar to bar or smoking pot in his room, cooking him nice meals and putting up with his moods. He’s really hoping I’m sad and lonely. He’s one enabler short do that must worry him.
Before he left he told me he was a ‘great son’ snd I was making him out to be some kind of monster.
Yes, a great son who at 37, takes as much as he can from his mother’s meagre savings that I worked hard to save for my retirement. A great son who thinks it’s okay to take my bank card to buy a bag potatoes that ended up costing $50 because it didn’t occur to him to ask me first if he could help himself to more money to buy drugs. What’s mine is his he thinks... except I am the one whio’s has to work hard for it.
I brought him up as s single parent. It was tough but I worked hard and I made a good career for myself. I loved him and cared for him and did everything I could for him. He had the best education, a cosy home and more.
The man he’s become is not the child I brought up. He’s my son but I cannot have him in my life.
My son would have stayed here in my cosy home forever if I had allowed him to be idle and spend his time wandering around from bar to bar or smoking pot in his room, cooking him nice meals and putting up with his moods. He’s really hoping I’m sad and lonely. He’s one enabler short do that must worry him.
Before he left he told me he was a ‘great son’ snd I was making him out to be some kind of monster.
Yes, a great son who at 37, takes as much as he can from his mother’s meagre savings that I worked hard to save for my retirement. A great son who thinks it’s okay to take my bank card to buy a bag potatoes that ended up costing $50 because it didn’t occur to him to ask me first if he could help himself to more money to buy drugs. What’s mine is his he thinks... except I am the one whio’s has to work hard for it.
I brought him up as s single parent. It was tough but I worked hard and I made a good career for myself. I loved him and cared for him and did everything I could for him. He had the best education, a cosy home and more.
The man he’s become is not the child I brought up. He’s my son but I cannot have him in my life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
My advice to any parents of young children today is make them tough. Lots of discipline, hard earned rewards and treats. Don’t spoil them or shower them with too much love.
I grew up with a drunk mother and I was determined to give my child everything I wished for myself as a child from a dysfunctional family. I spoilt him with too much love and care. I should have been much stricter when he was growing up. He may still have ended up an addict though.
I grew up with a drunk mother and I was determined to give my child everything I wished for myself as a child from a dysfunctional family. I spoilt him with too much love and care. I should have been much stricter when he was growing up. He may still have ended up an addict though.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
HB,
"I will seek Alanon again but whenever I go they can't give advice."
What advice are you looking for? No one has walked in your shoes and knows the life you have lived with your addict. What you learn in alanon is what they did and if it worked for them or not. Do you really want someone to advise you to send him to rehab, like you haven't already tried? It is just not practical. As they say take what you want and leave the rest.
You have gotten a lot of good advice from this forum. From amazing people who have walked the path. Take some deep breaths, step back and regroup. When you come to a crisis, post here. There is someone here 24 hours a day. Reach out for support and post. As you can see people will tell you their "truths", if you want to hear what they have to say or not. There is a saying in alanon, "when in doubt, dont".
Hugs my friend, self care is the utmost import thing you can do for you and your son.
"I will seek Alanon again but whenever I go they can't give advice."
What advice are you looking for? No one has walked in your shoes and knows the life you have lived with your addict. What you learn in alanon is what they did and if it worked for them or not. Do you really want someone to advise you to send him to rehab, like you haven't already tried? It is just not practical. As they say take what you want and leave the rest.
You have gotten a lot of good advice from this forum. From amazing people who have walked the path. Take some deep breaths, step back and regroup. When you come to a crisis, post here. There is someone here 24 hours a day. Reach out for support and post. As you can see people will tell you their "truths", if you want to hear what they have to say or not. There is a saying in alanon, "when in doubt, dont".
Hugs my friend, self care is the utmost import thing you can do for you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You do nothing for him, and you do something for you. If it isn't Alanon, then try counseling. If not counseling, try churches or temples. If not that, try simply focusing on your life so that he has to turn to himself for help, not you, and not his girlfriend who it seems is finally trying to save her own life instead of losing it to him. If you've learned anything at all you've learned that when you help him you just help him continue to be exactly who he is today.
Also, I live in a state where marijuana is legal. Still not an alcoholic, and still not a drug addict. When marijuana was illegal it was just as easy to get as now. And, either way, drug addicts always find their drugs, legal or not. They find them in Washington, Oregon, and California. They also find them in Oklahoma, Kentucky, and Mississippi. They also find them in every other state, every US Territory, and every country on the planet. Nothing keeps a using addict/alcoholic away from their drug except sobriety they have chosen for themselves. You may be shocked by the number of people that have in their very own homes stills and grows.
The problem is addiction and those who enable addicts (and I was an enabler for many years). I believe you help addicts and alcoholics by not helping them. Helping them helps them drink. That may sound crazy to you, but head over to the alcoholics forum and see what they think.
Good luck to you and your son.
Cyranoak
Also, I live in a state where marijuana is legal. Still not an alcoholic, and still not a drug addict. When marijuana was illegal it was just as easy to get as now. And, either way, drug addicts always find their drugs, legal or not. They find them in Washington, Oregon, and California. They also find them in Oklahoma, Kentucky, and Mississippi. They also find them in every other state, every US Territory, and every country on the planet. Nothing keeps a using addict/alcoholic away from their drug except sobriety they have chosen for themselves. You may be shocked by the number of people that have in their very own homes stills and grows.
The problem is addiction and those who enable addicts (and I was an enabler for many years). I believe you help addicts and alcoholics by not helping them. Helping them helps them drink. That may sound crazy to you, but head over to the alcoholics forum and see what they think.
Good luck to you and your son.
Cyranoak
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