Going to court over access in a couple of days
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Going to court over access in a couple of days
Hi all,
I'm checking back in to reach out for some support. In a couple of days, I'm going to court - not really because I want to but because ex has filed a motion asking the court to order essentially unrestricted access to Kid (backstory: ex is on supervised SoberLink visits because of DUI and generally drunk and crazy history. We have agreed on a step-by-step plan for him to establish a track record of compliant SoberLink use during visits and co-operation in order to get more time with Kid. He has screwed up the not-drinking part of it repeatedly so he's still at the very beginning).
On one hand, I don't think I have much to worry about. I have put restrictions on his access to Kid which are reasonable and consistent with balancing safety and her relationship with her father (I am not trying to keep him from ever seeing his daughter as he claims); we agreed on this in mediation (we both had lawyers), and now because ex can't stop drinking long enough to consistently pass a breathalyzer, he has decided he doesn't like this plan after all and is going to drag it all to court.
On the other hand, the idea of going to court is kind of terrifying (isn't that something that only happens to BAD people who have done something VERY WRONG??), and there's always the outside chance that some unhinged judge will buy his sad story about the mean mommy who won't let him see his little girl.
On the third hand, since he has initiated court proceedings, it opens the way for my lawyer to say "... and there's also this matter of child support ..." - so the process is beginning by which he may finally have to start contributing to his child's expenses.
On the fourth hand, this is really frigging costly in terms of money, time (I work full time, ex hasn't for two years) and emotional energy.
Any words of ESH would be much appreciated!
I'm checking back in to reach out for some support. In a couple of days, I'm going to court - not really because I want to but because ex has filed a motion asking the court to order essentially unrestricted access to Kid (backstory: ex is on supervised SoberLink visits because of DUI and generally drunk and crazy history. We have agreed on a step-by-step plan for him to establish a track record of compliant SoberLink use during visits and co-operation in order to get more time with Kid. He has screwed up the not-drinking part of it repeatedly so he's still at the very beginning).
On one hand, I don't think I have much to worry about. I have put restrictions on his access to Kid which are reasonable and consistent with balancing safety and her relationship with her father (I am not trying to keep him from ever seeing his daughter as he claims); we agreed on this in mediation (we both had lawyers), and now because ex can't stop drinking long enough to consistently pass a breathalyzer, he has decided he doesn't like this plan after all and is going to drag it all to court.
On the other hand, the idea of going to court is kind of terrifying (isn't that something that only happens to BAD people who have done something VERY WRONG??), and there's always the outside chance that some unhinged judge will buy his sad story about the mean mommy who won't let him see his little girl.
On the third hand, since he has initiated court proceedings, it opens the way for my lawyer to say "... and there's also this matter of child support ..." - so the process is beginning by which he may finally have to start contributing to his child's expenses.
On the fourth hand, this is really frigging costly in terms of money, time (I work full time, ex hasn't for two years) and emotional energy.
Any words of ESH would be much appreciated!
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Sasha,
Sending you strength and hugs. I completely understand how you feel as my divorce is headed to trial in a couple months.
Based on the track record you've written about, I want to ease your mind that I think you actually have the upper hand here. While I will not deny the rub that is legal fees because they SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK, getting this in front of a judge might just be exactly what you need to protect your daughter.
I was speaking with a friend who is a lawyer the other day because I'm also frightened about my case going to trial and she made me feel better. She told me that while everyone hears the word "trial" and things Law and Order, they aren't that bad and while it might be a larger $ in a lump sum, it avoids months and months of back and forth which winds up being the same amount.
If you have a good attorney, they will work out a plan for you pay off the fees over time.
Anyway, as far as the emotional bankruptcy that this has, I'm sorry. It is the pits. Just stay centered in yourself and how you're doing your very best to protect your daughter. I have faith. Be well.
Sending you strength and hugs. I completely understand how you feel as my divorce is headed to trial in a couple months.
Based on the track record you've written about, I want to ease your mind that I think you actually have the upper hand here. While I will not deny the rub that is legal fees because they SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK, getting this in front of a judge might just be exactly what you need to protect your daughter.
I was speaking with a friend who is a lawyer the other day because I'm also frightened about my case going to trial and she made me feel better. She told me that while everyone hears the word "trial" and things Law and Order, they aren't that bad and while it might be a larger $ in a lump sum, it avoids months and months of back and forth which winds up being the same amount.
If you have a good attorney, they will work out a plan for you pay off the fees over time.
Anyway, as far as the emotional bankruptcy that this has, I'm sorry. It is the pits. Just stay centered in yourself and how you're doing your very best to protect your daughter. I have faith. Be well.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Sasha, I know you're apprehensive about going to court, and I don't have a crystal ball, but you've got this!!!! Trust me - those judges see this day in and day out. Do keep us updated, and I'll be praying for you and your child!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Thank you everyone! Your words really help.
I have realized that part of my apprehension is the connotations of "going to court" - in some part of my mind, I'm thinking "court is for bad people! You only 'go to court' if you've done something very wrong! If I'm in court, I must be a bad person somehow!'. Which of course fits perfectly with what my ex told me for years - everything was my fault and I am a bad person.
I have realized that part of my apprehension is the connotations of "going to court" - in some part of my mind, I'm thinking "court is for bad people! You only 'go to court' if you've done something very wrong! If I'm in court, I must be a bad person somehow!'. Which of course fits perfectly with what my ex told me for years - everything was my fault and I am a bad person.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Triggering like this sounds totally normal to me - you've been through hell in this process outside of the verbal/emotional ties to the idea of court.
I can't chime in with experience but I CAN say that I don't doubt for a moment that you'll be fine - the facts & the ridiculousness of your Ex speak for themselves. You're a great mom Sasha, any judge worth his/her robes will be able to see that.
I can't chime in with experience but I CAN say that I don't doubt for a moment that you'll be fine - the facts & the ridiculousness of your Ex speak for themselves. You're a great mom Sasha, any judge worth his/her robes will be able to see that.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
I have realized that part of my apprehension is the connotations of "going to court" - in some part of my mind, I'm thinking "court is for bad people! You only 'go to court' if you've done something very wrong! If I'm in court, I must be a bad person somehow!'. Which of course fits perfectly with what my ex told me for years - everything was my fault and I am a bad person.
Now I try to tell myself I will go to court because of "her", and I'm just collateral damage.
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For all those who have been watching this saga (and who recall my ex's history with dubious medical events, including his special fluoride mouthwash which sets off breathalyzers and his special asthma treatments):
His lawyer called my lawyer. His lawyer has been trying to reach him because we are in court tomorrow morning. Couldn't get hold of ex. Radio silence. Was finally told (by ex's girlfriend I think) that ex can't come to the phone because ... he is having root canal surgery.
Who books a root canal procedure the afternoon before a morning court date, which they themselves have initiated?
Either a) someone who is into self-sabotaging; b) someone whose "dental surgery" involves vodka.
I actually laughed out loud when I saw the words "root canal" in the first line of my lawyer's email because I knew exactly what this was going to be about. And I was right.
Anyone want to bet on whether he shows up tomorrow morning or whether the effects of the "root canal" prevent him from appearing?
His lawyer called my lawyer. His lawyer has been trying to reach him because we are in court tomorrow morning. Couldn't get hold of ex. Radio silence. Was finally told (by ex's girlfriend I think) that ex can't come to the phone because ... he is having root canal surgery.
Who books a root canal procedure the afternoon before a morning court date, which they themselves have initiated?
Either a) someone who is into self-sabotaging; b) someone whose "dental surgery" involves vodka.
I actually laughed out loud when I saw the words "root canal" in the first line of my lawyer's email because I knew exactly what this was going to be about. And I was right.
Anyone want to bet on whether he shows up tomorrow morning or whether the effects of the "root canal" prevent him from appearing?
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Omg, Sasha. I actually laughed out loud, I’m so sorry.
If he doesn’t show tomorrow, that will be even better for you! Regardless, it is so sad and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this and pay legal fees when he is going to end up flaking.
Sending hugs
If he doesn’t show tomorrow, that will be even better for you! Regardless, it is so sad and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this and pay legal fees when he is going to end up flaking.
Sending hugs
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
I'm sorry, I had to laugh at that one myself. I used to have to go to court to battle my alcoholic stepfather, who was trying to care for my vegetative mother at home. At one court proceeding, my lawyer asked him "Mr. _____, do you drink alcohol?", to which my stepfather replied NO. (blatant lie). My lawyer said, "Do you ever drink at ALL?" (To which he replied YES, just beer). Then my lawyer said, "So, Mr. ______, when you DO drink beer, how much do you drink?"
His answer was "About 18 beers".
I couldn't help but laugh right there in court.
During that time my doctor prescribed me a mild dose of xanax because of my social anxiety. I was having to testify and without it, my voice was shaky and I would hyperventilate. Just a thought if your anxiety is THAT bad.
His answer was "About 18 beers".
I couldn't help but laugh right there in court.
During that time my doctor prescribed me a mild dose of xanax because of my social anxiety. I was having to testify and without it, my voice was shaky and I would hyperventilate. Just a thought if your anxiety is THAT bad.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
On the other hand, the idea of going to court is kind of terrifying (isn't that something that only happens to BAD people who have done something VERY WRONG??)
I know it's draining, emotionally, psychologically and financially. ((((hugs)))) *standing in your corner and trying not to laugh about the root canal schedule*
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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This needs to go on the "Quackers" thread
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
For all those who have been watching this saga (and who recall my ex's history with dubious medical events, including his special fluoride mouthwash which sets off breathalyzers and his special asthma treatments):
His lawyer called my lawyer. His lawyer has been trying to reach him because we are in court tomorrow morning. Couldn't get hold of ex. Radio silence. Was finally told (by ex's girlfriend I think) that ex can't come to the phone because ... he is having root canal surgery.
Who books a root canal procedure the afternoon before a morning court date, which they themselves have initiated?
Either a) someone who is into self-sabotaging; b) someone whose "dental surgery" involves vodka.
I actually laughed out loud when I saw the words "root canal" in the first line of my lawyer's email because I knew exactly what this was going to be about. And I was right.
Anyone want to bet on whether he shows up tomorrow morning or whether the effects of the "root canal" prevent him from appearing?
His lawyer called my lawyer. His lawyer has been trying to reach him because we are in court tomorrow morning. Couldn't get hold of ex. Radio silence. Was finally told (by ex's girlfriend I think) that ex can't come to the phone because ... he is having root canal surgery.
Who books a root canal procedure the afternoon before a morning court date, which they themselves have initiated?
Either a) someone who is into self-sabotaging; b) someone whose "dental surgery" involves vodka.
I actually laughed out loud when I saw the words "root canal" in the first line of my lawyer's email because I knew exactly what this was going to be about. And I was right.
Anyone want to bet on whether he shows up tomorrow morning or whether the effects of the "root canal" prevent him from appearing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
Anyone want to bet on whether he shows up tomorrow morning or whether the effects of the "root canal" prevent him from appearing?
In other words, he wasted the time of at least four people (me, two lawyers, and the judge assigned to hear the application).
Who on earth brings a court application against his ex-wife, submits all kinds of ranting documentation about how pernicious she is, asks the court to restore unrestricted parenting because he misses his little girl so much, and then doesn't even bother to turn up when his case is to be heard? Who ghosts their own court case (and their lawyer, who is left looking like a bit of a fool because he can't produce his client, or even find his client to get instructions)?
Argh. Very stressful to sit through. But at least one positive outcome is that we have all agreed to have this matter heard at the end of February with me as the plaintiff, so I'm hoping a more or less final resolution will be possible then.
And my lawyer ended up not charging me for the wasted morning, which was very decent of him.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
"Who on earth brings a court application against his ex-wife, submits all kinds of ranting documentation about how pernicious she is, asks the court to restore unrestricted parenting because he misses his little girl so much, and then doesn't even bother to turn up when his case is to be heard? Who ghosts their own court case (and their lawyer....?"
I'll take 'Active Alcoholics' for $600, Alex.
OMG, a good reminder that sometimes our anxiety anticipating what "might" happen can be farther off base than we can even imagine.
So sorry you had to go through this waste of time and worry. (((((hugs)))))
Peace,
B
I'll take 'Active Alcoholics' for $600, Alex.
OMG, a good reminder that sometimes our anxiety anticipating what "might" happen can be farther off base than we can even imagine.
So sorry you had to go through this waste of time and worry. (((((hugs)))))
Peace,
B
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Who on earth brings a court application against his ex-wife, submits all kinds of ranting documentation about how pernicious she is, asks the court to restore unrestricted parenting because he misses his little girl so much, and then doesn't even bother to turn up when his case is to be heard?
You are not alone. My ex before exah took me to court over access to his kids 9 times and was a no show for 8 of them. After that he never saw then again..not once.
You are not alone. My ex before exah took me to court over access to his kids 9 times and was a no show for 8 of them. After that he never saw then again..not once.
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