CentralOhioDad

Do I give her a heads up about this, or just let it happen when it happens? Not sure an advance notice will lessen the fallout.

Learning14

I'm not sure of the entire dynamic between you two, but what are the pros and cons?

FireSprite

Play the tape all the way through - what will she do with that information? What do you EXPECT to come from giving her warning?

CentralOhioDad

A close friend said that if I tell her, it puts me more in control.

Personally, I'm in the "wait until she gets served" camp. Giving her warning I'm not sure lessens the blow. BUT - I"ve never done this before!

CentralOhioDad

Nothing, really. This was suggested by others, and since I'm all messed up emotionally at this moment, I thought I would ask my closest friends.

SparkleKitty

COD, you are not in any control over her response whether you tell her ahead of time or not. I think what your close friend meant was, "It gives you more of an illusion of control."

If she doesn't already see this coming based on the reality you two have been living for the last several, unhappy years, a few hours' notice isn't going to do anything to prepare her.

CentralOhioDad

Kind of what I was thinking too

FireSprite

Breathe Man.... step back & breathe. It's going to be OK.

In your shoes, I'd stay quiet until you have to. It won't change anything & opens you up to a barrage of more verbal & emotional abuse.

dandylion

COD....this might be a futile question...but, do you know ..during what hours she is most likely to be served? Early morning hours...business hours...evening hours?.....

(I am only thinking of the possibility of not having you son see the actual serving)....

CentralOhioDad

Morning - either tomorrow morning while she's home in the morning, or after she drops off DS at his before-care before he gets on the bus for school. I said to wait until she comes back out of the daycare bldg. before serving - I don't want him to see that.

Learning14

THIS ^^^

You are already in control as much as you can be.

BAW81

Why would having the control in this situation matter? You already filed for divorce. If I've learned anything over the last 16 months trying to get divorce - there is NO control. Don't even try, it's a waste of time and the more you try to control you end up racking up legal fees.

My advice - stay calm. When the rage and fury gets thrown at you at all angles, calm is your friend. Breathe, do not engage.

CoParentToA

I would examine my motivations for doing one over another.

Personally I cannot imagine serving my ex without a heads up. But I also wish my communication had been clearer, earlier: I'm pursuing a divorce because I've realized this isn't working. And I'm not changing my mind. Why? Because this isn't working.

You won't be able to control her reaction either way, but I'm sort of struggling to understand the drawback of giving her a heads up. I can see a future narrative of "he didn't even tell me!" being played back again and again otherwise. I would just try to make sure I'm doing what I think is right for me to feel I've handled it as well as I could. But that may be different for me having not living thru what you lived thru.

BAW81

Maybe I'm confused? I thought you already told her a few weeks back which is when she was trying to get you to agree not to tell your DS that it had to do with her drinking...

She really has no idea, whatsoever?

hopeful4

I guess to me it depends. Your AH is toxic. I would expect for her to be very toxic and hateful during this process. If you want to get that over with now, tell her. If you would rather wait it out and deal with it after she is served, wait. That is the only benefit I can see in deciding to wait or tell her.

Sending you big hugs.

CentralOhioDad

I was hypothesizing that she would not want DS, or anyone for that matter, to know 'her truth'.

Correct, she has no idea, at all.

dawnrising

When I told AH I had filed I did so because I felt like we had spent so many years together and I would have wanted the same from him if he had filed. It did not lessen or exacerbate the situation. His reaction was dramatic, toxic and chaotic and we weren't living together. One thing that I did do was take my daughter and get out of town after I told him just for our own peace. Having the papers served will also stir emotion in you even though you know its coming. I hope you and your son can get away get some peace and take care of yourself. Hugs

Learning14

I guess after reading some of the comments, I would just let her get served. Otherwise, you are going to be dealing with the wrath TWICE instead of just ALL AT ONCE.

CentralOhioDad

That was kind of my mindset all along.

tomsteve

if you were to inform her, do you think she would believe it?

edit:
thinkin back to drunken me, i dont think id even believe it with the papers in my hands.