ashleighnb

Hi all - this is my first day joining the site.

My husband is in recovery but is facing a relapse I am afraid - we have been the route of rehab just over a year ago and he is/was an active member of AA and NA in our community while his three to four night a week meetings have dropped to one/two over the last three weeks. He came to me last week to say that he was struggling and feeling great pressure and had slipped but was getting back on track. My questions for you involve detaching and not enabling his behavior to adversely impact my life yet again. As part of my recovery I attended Al-anon meetings and read a great deal of literature and took part in family counseling as part of his rehab stint - I know that I didn't cause his problems and can't cure them!

With regards to access to prescription drugs (his drug of choice) of course they are never prescribed by a doctor - when he can't account for money I usually think that is where it is going. There is so much talk of detaching and not enabling the user but when it comes to financial resources how is the best way to handle this? I don't want to treat him like a child; I know that he must pay the consequences for his actions but is it unrealistic to take his paycheck and ensure that these funds are accounted for? I know there will be people screaming everywhere at that thought but it seems to me that I should protect my family first and let him figure out how he will pay for pills if that is his choice.

Any other suggestions on detachment you have would be greatly appreciated.

Cadence57

I don't think I can offer advice here - I still haven't quite figured out where that fine line lies between controlling and not controlling... between enabling and detaching.
I wish you the best though

Petunia

Ashleigh,

There are as many different finanical approaches and challenges for couples, even those who do not have the added challenges of addiction. In our household everything goes into one account and I pay the bills. This is something that we decided together, and my H didn't want the responsibility of balancing the books. He has been in recovery for 6 years so we're past some of the real trouble spots.

We each get a certain amount of money a month. With the way we each get paid we allot this on a weekly basis. I believe that everyone needs some money in their pocket. What they do with it is their choice (this is where the detachment comes in). But once the money is gone, that person has to make due. It has to be an agreed upon approach to financial health.

I don't see it as a "you're a child", rather I see it as a boundary for the family unit. Bills are due and they need to be paid first. We are as committed to creating a space with finanical serenity as much as we are committed to creating a life of emotional serenity.

There are some great books out there that might help you decide how you want to develop a finanical future. I believe that it is possible to save some aspects of life from the craziness of addiction - but it takes a plan. It sounds like your H is communicating with you which is a huge positive. Talk to him about how you are feeling about your finances - even before you factor in the addiction issue. You might find that the fears you have exist even without any outside pressure.

Many of us have an emotional reaction/connection to money which adds fuel to the fire. Good luck...and let us know how it goes.

Peace,
Petunia

hope2bhappy

I have no idea if you should try to take your husband's pay check. Financial security is uncertain in marriages where one person suffers from an addiction. Because of this constant uncertainty, I believe there needs to be a "Plan B" for paying the bills. A second income would go a long way in relieving this additional stress, which you don't need. Have you considered a part-time job? If you have to walk this tight rope of addiction, you should have a safety net. Protect yourself. It's a lot easier to detach if you're not so dependent on the other person.

Cadence57

That's good advice for EVERYONE, Hope, not just those involved in relationships with addicts.

ashleighnb

Thaks to you all! I am already finding this therapeutic. I actually do work a full-time job and am paid significantly more than my husband. I think the piece that I am getting only now as I type this is that when he uses his portion of "play money" and asks me to either dip into my "play money" or our joint money put aside to cover expenses that I simply say "no" and not allow myself to sacrifice my money or our joint money and allow him to figure out how to make things work outside of what we have previously agreed to.

Magichappens

If he can't get by on his portion, maybe you can suggest HE get a part time job. You don't seem to have a problem getting your needs met on the allotted amount. Another suggestion is that he sacrifice some things to get the things he really wants. Financial responsibility is part of being an adult. A husband isn't a child. Hugs, Magic

hope2bhappy

After reading your original post, it was not clear to me that you were working full time. You were concerned about your husband spending the family finances on his "hobby," so I just assumed HIS was the only paycheck. If he gets an allowance from his earnings, then I think you're being fair not to give him additional money when his runs out. If you know for sure that he is spending this money on the drugs, then to give him more would be enabling (in my opinion). Sorry if I misunderstood earlier.

Now, this might not pertain to your individual situation, but I say this to everyone out there who is worried about financial security in their marriage... open a checking account solely in your name. Squirrel money away whenever possible. Protect yourself.