So shocked at the damage an alcoholic can do....

Old 02-03-2018, 12:58 PM
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So shocked at the damage an alcoholic can do....

I've posted on here a few times about my 32 year old, alcoholic/substance abusing son...but it seems that everyday, I hurt more over his addiction. I had to make him leave my home about a month ago because he had very badly, verbally attacked his 19 year old sister. He has done the same to me many times, but the impact it had on his little sister was just something I couldn't deal with... Since then he has been spreading lies about me and my husband and his baby sister!! I have 4 children and at this point the only one that will still talk to him is my oldest daughter...his older sister by 2 years who is the mother of my only 2 grand babies. She has been so judgmental of me and how I have dealt with my son over the years...even though she has refused help in anyway... up until I made him leave. Now she will communicate with him...only. She refuses to see him or let him stay with her but she continues to seem to judge me??? I am so hurt and confused!! I gave my kids my life!! They were my life!! I married a very good childhood friend of mine 2 years ago...he has been very nice to all of my family. My son seems to hate that I am happy?? I can look back now and see the destruction his addiction caused me and that YES!! He had a lot to do with this being my 3rd marriage.... I guess if I hadn't known my husband for so long, and that he has always been a good friend to me...my son would still be able to manipulate what I feel and I would probably have another divorce....because he has talked him down from day one. I thank God for my husband...he is kind and a good person!! He has been nothing but kind to my son even while he was spreading lies about him... until he verbally attacked and came close to physically attacking me and his younger sister. Then my husband did lay it on the line with him and told him he could not come to our home anymore until he had sobered up for 90 days and showed us that he cared and apologized to me and his sister.
Then I find out my son is now out saying my husband is an alcoholic and drug addict and bad!! It is not true!! He is a good man...but my oldest daughter...now...will not let me see my grand children alone...only supervised visitation with her or her husband and then it is short and just so very weird!! I am hurt beyond hurt!! I feel like my spirit has been crushed!! I feel like my son is trying to break up my marriage and hurt his younger sister also so that she will move out. He has become someone that I truly do not know and I don't like this person!! His addiction has absolutely touched every area of my life!! I can't do it anymore...as much as it hurts to be estranged from him and to not be able to spend time with my grandchildren, because of his lies and manipulation...I have to go on!! I am so angry!! I can't believe how cruel and horrible addiction is!! I can't believe my oldest daughter would actually believe his lies and keep my grandchildren from me!! They are 9 and 11 and up until my son's lies...after I made him leave my home...I could see them anytime!! My grandchildren are confused and hurt as to why they can't spend time with me and so am I!! I feel like this is cruel and horrible punishment for trying to do all I could possibly do for my son over the past 9 years!! I have been through hell and back with him and now that I find some sort of happiness he wants to ruin it!! Addicts are so incredibly selfish and mean!! I know it isn't my son...it is the addiction but WOW!! This one hurts!!!
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Old 02-03-2018, 01:21 PM
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nonnie....I understand your pain...and, the feeling of being "crushed".....this story is very, very common. Much more than you probably know. At one time, I had to kick my own son out of my house. It felt like it was pulling my heart from my chest....but, I had to do it. When they are that far into their disease...and, drunk, at that...it tears the whole family apart....

I know that you will cry and grieve over this...in fact, you have to, to go on....go ahead...it is o.k.

I say this from my heart...you MUST keep up the boundaries. You must have strong boundaries....and, love him from the distance. You won't stop loving him (lol..you probably don't like him, very much...right now, though)....
Now...I haven't stopped to read you other threads/posts....but, I can tell you that it is too much and too hard to travel this road alone.
You must get additional support from others who understand what this is like for a mother.
You need to keep the boundaries for the other kids, also...even the ones that blame you. Boundaries...boundaries...boundaries...
Otherwise, this will eat you up....
Trust me...you can get your sanity back and restore respect within the family...
but...you will have to be strong (after you have cried a river)...and, you will need to draw strength form others who understand and have been there....

You have every ounce of my compassion!! And, I am sure...of every mother, across the country who is crying for the very same thing....

I don't want to come across as "lecturing" or as a know it all....but, if you don't know how to set the kind of boundaries that I am talking about or where to get the right kind of support....keep posting...or, let us know...and we can fill you in....
I think that when one is as deep into the woods of this kind of distruction and pain...it is hard to see the forest for the trees....
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Old 02-03-2018, 01:38 PM
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Thank you dandylion...I need lecturing right now...not that I took your post that way...but I am so lost!! I have never known addiction before my son so this has been extremely hard!! I have gone to a couple of al anon meetings and although they helped...I just can't seem to get myself to go!! I have always been very social but lately, I don't want to deal with anyone!! I just want to be alone. It did help me for you to tell me that this is very common. I feel so alone so it helps to hear that my problems have been felt before...thank you for replying. I truly appreciate it.
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Old 02-03-2018, 01:54 PM
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nonnie....nothing against alanon...but, right now your situation and your feelings are so acute...you may need more direct help and directed attention, right now....

I think it would be good for you to see a qualified addictions counselor...who is also a recovering alcoholic/or addict, themselves. You and your husband could go together for a few sessions....
I am sure that you must be suffering from some low-level depression, right now (who wouldn't)...not to mention the anxiety that goes with it.
Individual counseling...one on one, could help, also. perhaps you and your husband could go together to get some advice (I am not talking about couples counseling!)....

Adult Children of Alcoholics is not just for alcoholism...it can apply to any family dysfunction....(who knew?..lol)....You might get their book and literature from amazon.com....and, this could help you with dealing with the rest of the family "fallout"....

You could go to alanon, in the longer term, to have a place where live human beings understand that you are in pain...In fact, you 19yr. old and any other family members who are hurting, could go with you...not forced, mind you---but, invited along....

I know that the desire to start isolating, right now, is strong...because it feels like the pain and worry is all consuming. but, don't cave to isolation, because that causes it to get worse....you don't have to turn into a socialite...but, the kinds of people that I mentioned, in the above suggestions would be a good starting point. In times of great grief and pain...human connection is one of the most healing things....
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Old 02-03-2018, 07:16 PM
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nonnie I'm so sorry your AS has acted this way. From the outside it seems that the lies are more about your wonderful husband finally drawing a line in the sand with your AS, and he is seething with resentment about it. What I can't comprehend is that your eldest daughter is along for the ride. It seems there are some nasty family dynamics going on there. For a start you'd think that your 19yo could straighten her out right away about whether your H not being an addict.

I agree with Dandy that some one-on-one therapy with a counsellor might give you some insights now. Also that your boundaries are still important, and holding to them will gain you more respect in the end that showing you can be intimidated.

Thinking of you.
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Old 02-03-2018, 07:22 PM
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Nonnie,
I am sorry for all the pain your son continues to cause you and your family. Addicts are the best at lying and creating drama. I know it hurts not seeing your Grandchildren, but it sounds like she is holding you hostage. She is punishing you for protecting yourself.

You need to do what you need to do. Your daughter will get "screwed" by her brother soon enough and then hopefully she will be open to communicate again. I am sorry that you will be "losing" both children, but for you own sanity I would do what ever you can to protect yourself. Hugs, we get it on this forum.
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