High functioning alcoholic...anyone married to one?
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
Nothing very new to add here, just my own story, which is similar to lots of other people's stories.
My ex was high functioning for a long time - several advanced degrees, high-status professional job, he really did get interviewed on TV, and everyone who knew him thought he was great. Good-looking, charming, self-deprecating, progressive - what's not to love?
Now he's living with a meth addict he hooked up with in rehab (for whom he dumped his second wife), hasn't worked in almost two years, is facing criminal charges for things he did while drunk, has had his drivers' license suspended, owes at least $100 000 in consumer debt, has been the subject of four police calls and two child protection investigations, has gone from having his daughter live with him half the time to seeing her for 30 minutes under supervision once a week, has had at least one heart attack and is an ER frequent flyer for everything from shingles to vomiting blood, has been involuntarily confined to a psychiatric ward, and has alienated all his former friends. And he still insists that all of the above is someone else's fault.
This has all happened within two years. I get dizzy just typing it out, the speed with which things have visibly fallen apart. I can't quite believe it myself. Before he became obviously and visibly a train wreck, he was a behind-closed-doors train wreck, who looked great on the outside.
My daughter's counsellor (a psychologist) observed that a lot of long-term "high-functioning" addicts fall apart completely in their late 40s - the accumulated strain of years of keeping up appearances and "functioning" combines with pretty common midlife issues like realizing that your life is not going to be what you hoped it would be, and once they start to unravel, they just keep going faster and faster.
My ex was high functioning for a long time - several advanced degrees, high-status professional job, he really did get interviewed on TV, and everyone who knew him thought he was great. Good-looking, charming, self-deprecating, progressive - what's not to love?
Now he's living with a meth addict he hooked up with in rehab (for whom he dumped his second wife), hasn't worked in almost two years, is facing criminal charges for things he did while drunk, has had his drivers' license suspended, owes at least $100 000 in consumer debt, has been the subject of four police calls and two child protection investigations, has gone from having his daughter live with him half the time to seeing her for 30 minutes under supervision once a week, has had at least one heart attack and is an ER frequent flyer for everything from shingles to vomiting blood, has been involuntarily confined to a psychiatric ward, and has alienated all his former friends. And he still insists that all of the above is someone else's fault.
This has all happened within two years. I get dizzy just typing it out, the speed with which things have visibly fallen apart. I can't quite believe it myself. Before he became obviously and visibly a train wreck, he was a behind-closed-doors train wreck, who looked great on the outside.
My daughter's counsellor (a psychologist) observed that a lot of long-term "high-functioning" addicts fall apart completely in their late 40s - the accumulated strain of years of keeping up appearances and "functioning" combines with pretty common midlife issues like realizing that your life is not going to be what you hoped it would be, and once they start to unravel, they just keep going faster and faster.
The point that things started to unravel in mid-40s when he realized his life was not what he wanted it to be - ugh. Exactly. And now that the kids aren't in his custody, it seems like the binges are coming more frequently. So much for him focusing on his recovery.
Even our mediator thought that high functioning could be maintained. At one point I said, well either he will get better or he will get worse. She said, Or maybe he'll stay the same. I said, No, that's one thing we know for sure won't happen, this is a progressive disease.
Months later he drove drunk with them. I'm shocked how quickly he got to that point when I thought he would never. But he did it to protect his ability to drink. Because not showing up at the party would have been a cause for concern.
He was high functioning until he wasn't.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Originally Posted by Givenup2018
I'm married to a HFA, highly successful at his job, traveled the world, a great provider for the family. To the outside world he is successful, charming, etc. Though I know alcohoism is progressive so maybe if he does not get a handle on it now, he will be further along and no longer 'functioning.' He does not 'function' in terms of relationships, never really has, I missed all the red flags when I was young and 'in love.' He could not maintain long term friendships. He gets on well with people but doesn't go deep, it is all superficial.
Makes me wonder am I really his friend or just a hostage.
Only I know the real man (or more than the outside world does). I know the demons he grapples with from his past, I know how he can drink himself into a stupor, lie and vomit on the floor, how his anger can boil up if antagonized, how he can drive while drunk, how he can smash furniture if he doesn't like what he hears. When he is sober he is kind and funny, a caring father and son and husband. It is like living with Jekyll and Hyde when he is drinking. The worst part was the manipulation. I took to writing things down and keeping a record of not just my feelings but what he would say, he would deny ever having said it. This is what crazy making is. Remember his forte is to negotiate multi-million dollar deals, (I didn't stand a chance but I am no longer so naive), My problem is I take people at face value, never assuming ulterior motives, boy how I have learned in this marriage.
I even took to recording him with my smart phone, to remind myself when I would talk myself out of taking it seriously or rationalizing his behavior. Now I see him much more clearly, the small boy, the lost man, the angry man, the selfish man, the kind man.
Makes me wonder am I really his friend or just a hostage.
Only I know the real man (or more than the outside world does). I know the demons he grapples with from his past, I know how he can drink himself into a stupor, lie and vomit on the floor, how his anger can boil up if antagonized, how he can drive while drunk, how he can smash furniture if he doesn't like what he hears. When he is sober he is kind and funny, a caring father and son and husband. It is like living with Jekyll and Hyde when he is drinking. The worst part was the manipulation. I took to writing things down and keeping a record of not just my feelings but what he would say, he would deny ever having said it. This is what crazy making is. Remember his forte is to negotiate multi-million dollar deals, (I didn't stand a chance but I am no longer so naive), My problem is I take people at face value, never assuming ulterior motives, boy how I have learned in this marriage.
I even took to recording him with my smart phone, to remind myself when I would talk myself out of taking it seriously or rationalizing his behavior. Now I see him much more clearly, the small boy, the lost man, the angry man, the selfish man, the kind man.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Like most before me have stated. It's just a matter of time before it catches up with them and all around them. I don't know that the timeline is the same, but the progression is a constant as long as they drink.
My ex had a GREAT front. Fooled me for awhile as well. I had never been around a HF alcoholic. Its part of my answer when asked how could I go so long and not know. They hide it well for as long as possible. If your ignorant they can play you longer.
In the time I was with my ex, she lost 3 jobs. Jobs where she was in the Top 5% in the country at what she did. As much as she tried to hide the drinking, it inevitably was the root of her problems, including the job losses. But she would throw anyone under the bus she could to avoid the termination being written as anything but drinking.
What they protect the most will be the last things to fall away. And usually that will be put ahead of families, friends and people. They are all expendable. In mines case, she always was well thought of professionally, until as they say, they aren't.
My ex had a GREAT front. Fooled me for awhile as well. I had never been around a HF alcoholic. Its part of my answer when asked how could I go so long and not know. They hide it well for as long as possible. If your ignorant they can play you longer.
In the time I was with my ex, she lost 3 jobs. Jobs where she was in the Top 5% in the country at what she did. As much as she tried to hide the drinking, it inevitably was the root of her problems, including the job losses. But she would throw anyone under the bus she could to avoid the termination being written as anything but drinking.
What they protect the most will be the last things to fall away. And usually that will be put ahead of families, friends and people. They are all expendable. In mines case, she always was well thought of professionally, until as they say, they aren't.
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