dawnrun

Hi all.
Ive posted a few times here and a quick update.rah is still sober.im working really hard on myself between al anon counceling every week loads of co dependency books and this site.the thing is the more i recover the more i see how sick rah is.

I asked him was he diagnosed with narsassism in rehab because he fits it to a t, he said he only had narsassitic tendencys!

Well ive pretty much realized im done.i cant help him anymore.weirdly i think i still love him but im not inlove with him.

So here is my problem he will fight hard to keep me not because of love because of his loss of control.im worried about how we will manage .can he make me sell the family home?i can pay morgage now im back at work but will i have to buy him out?even typing this out im starting to shake with terror...

hopeful4

Hi Dawn,

Personality disorders like that are rarely ever changed. I think you are making a wise decision.

I would say it sounds like you need to speak to an attorney. It will be confidential, and most offer a free consultation.

Sending you big hugs and lots of strength.

honeypig

dawnrun, I think a consult w/an attorney is your best bet for that kind of information. The questions you have are about legal matters, and the answers will vary from state to state and perhaps even county to county.

Many attorneys will give a free consult, during which you can lay out the basics of your concerns and hear what the lawyer has to say regarding your rights, responsibilities and options. Contacting more than one might not be a bad idea, either, just to see what a few different opinions might be.

Knowledge is power, and getting the facts will go a long way towards settling your fears and wild speculations. It sounds like you know what direction you want to take, so the sooner you get some info, the sooner you can start planning your path.

XAH and I had no debt, no children and no disagreements about property, so I did a pro se divorce (did it myself) but I was fortunate enough to find a lawyer who agreed to check over all my paperwork and clarify things I wasn't clear about, charging only for the time spent on that, which was minimal. She was wonderful, very helpful, and the total cost for our legal separation and eventual divorce was very, very reasonable--well under $1000. Certainly not everyone is in this situation, but my point is that legal advice from a pro is important and well worth the cost.

atalose

If you stick to working on you and your own recovery, you will come to understand and accept that you never could have.

Speaking with an attorney can answer many of your questions regarding the home and what options you might have. Most attorneys offer a free consult, you have the opportunity to see if they are someone you could work with or not.

Besides the attorney, I would also begin to work on a plan B if plan A does not work out how you expected. Stock some money away, line up another temporary place to live in the even you find staying in the home unbearable while going through the divorce.

dawnrun

Great advice everyone.
I have started working on plan b already.saving a little every week.i was hoping by not reacting to his manipulation he would just get fed up and leave me but i know thats just the cowards way out.this is a lesson i need to learn.

dandylion

dawnrun......here is the link to a website that you might find helpful, right now...

It is educational, in nature, and can help you organize your thoughts and know what essential questions to ask....It is organized by state...and, covers almost every area concerning divorce for a woman...

www.womansdivorce.com

NYCDoglvr

When going through a very stressful time a wise sponsor said:

Just do the next right thing
It's one day at a time.

A big hug!

Givenup2018

Your post reminded me of a quote I read on an al-anon website that read ‘ The A doesnt have relationships, they take hostages. Time to lovingly detach, think of all you have learned in the co-dependency literature you have read. You are getting there!

Spinner-007

Attorney first, then create an exit strategy around the knowledgeable advice they give you.

Make that plan and stick to it, no matter what the A tells you.

And if you ever become tempted, you don't owe that person disclosure because you're not dealing with a loving, rational person.

I pray you make your way through this.

maia1234

Dawn,
Divorces take a long time. Take some deep breaths, educate yourself, keep asking questions and you can get through this.

One thing I learned along the way was just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be married to them. We can love them from a distance. We need to love and respect ourselves first and all will follow behind.
Hugs, one day at a time.

dawnrun

Thanks for all the replies.
I made up my mind and just wanted to have it over with.

One day at a time. Its a long road ahead and I know I guess I'm just being the coward again wanting to take shortcuts. I've been physically sick since I posted. I suppose writing it down makes it real.thanks everyone for replying.