Today is the day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 12
Today is the day
Today is the day-- the day I actually set up the appointment with the divorce attorney I've had saved in my bookmarks for three months. I'm a new poster but not new to the page; it has truly been a lifesaver this past year. I'm posting now because I need some of that moral support from people I don't really know-- but I KNOW they know exactly what I am going through.
I've been married for 10 years; with my AH for almost 13. His alcoholism has definitely been progressive and triggered by some traumatic events and has only really shown its ugly head the past three years. That's why it's all been a surprise as to how this has gone down; there were not red flags. Even my therapist says that we have a better than average marriage on the good days. But I'm to the point when the bad days are outweighing the good. The bad days like when he totaled our car that was almost paid off with a DWI . The bad days like when he got fired from our mutual place of employment for not showing up (yes AWKWARD!). The bad days like when he starts drinking at 5 am, passes out all day, then roams the house all night while I'm trying to sleep. The bad days when I realize how far in debt we are due to unemployment, doc and rehab, and secret credit cards that buy alcohol, and how my awesome job can barely pay the bills. The bad days like when we cancel plans with friends and family again and again, or I go by myself, because he is either passed out or hung over from the days before.
When I put it in writing like this, I know it makes him look terrible. Part of the problem is that he is not. He is the smartest, kindest man I know when he is sober. I love him and truly believe he is one of my soul mates. But my soul can only take so much crushing. I know I play a part in recovery, and have committed to that. I'm going to therapy, attending Al-anon, and regularly reading research and forums to educate myself on the disease. Some days I kick butt in handling things like a non-codependent champ, and some days I SUCK and do all the wrong things. The three C's I have written at my desk, and the 5 G's are the wallpaper for my phone, and it's silly but just having these visuals on some days has been amazingly helpful.
I do think I have arrived at the cliche-- "if you love someone you have to let him go"...
God grant me the courage...
I've been married for 10 years; with my AH for almost 13. His alcoholism has definitely been progressive and triggered by some traumatic events and has only really shown its ugly head the past three years. That's why it's all been a surprise as to how this has gone down; there were not red flags. Even my therapist says that we have a better than average marriage on the good days. But I'm to the point when the bad days are outweighing the good. The bad days like when he totaled our car that was almost paid off with a DWI . The bad days like when he got fired from our mutual place of employment for not showing up (yes AWKWARD!). The bad days like when he starts drinking at 5 am, passes out all day, then roams the house all night while I'm trying to sleep. The bad days when I realize how far in debt we are due to unemployment, doc and rehab, and secret credit cards that buy alcohol, and how my awesome job can barely pay the bills. The bad days like when we cancel plans with friends and family again and again, or I go by myself, because he is either passed out or hung over from the days before.
When I put it in writing like this, I know it makes him look terrible. Part of the problem is that he is not. He is the smartest, kindest man I know when he is sober. I love him and truly believe he is one of my soul mates. But my soul can only take so much crushing. I know I play a part in recovery, and have committed to that. I'm going to therapy, attending Al-anon, and regularly reading research and forums to educate myself on the disease. Some days I kick butt in handling things like a non-codependent champ, and some days I SUCK and do all the wrong things. The three C's I have written at my desk, and the 5 G's are the wallpaper for my phone, and it's silly but just having these visuals on some days has been amazingly helpful.
I do think I have arrived at the cliche-- "if you love someone you have to let him go"...
God grant me the courage...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Westgirl -welcome to the Forum! Nice to 'meet' you. It sounds like you are on the right track and know what you want and how you want to get there.
I have nothing much else to add at this time. I have started divorce proceedings against my AW - she will most likely get served next week. Your AH seems much farther along in the progression than my AW. You do not mention kids - be thankful they are not part of the equation.
I think you'll do well.
COD
I have nothing much else to add at this time. I have started divorce proceedings against my AW - she will most likely get served next week. Your AH seems much farther along in the progression than my AW. You do not mention kids - be thankful they are not part of the equation.
I think you'll do well.
COD
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
The visual notes are wonderful tools. Enjoy all things that bring you healing, joy and strength.
(((Hugs)))
I'd suggest doing some really good self-care today. This is a big new healthy step. I found that balancing the big with little things that mean a lot helps immensely. A hot cup of steaming, delicious coffee? A bouquet of fresh flowers? Maybe even a foot massage for yourself with your favorite music to relax into.
(((Hugs)))
I'd suggest doing some really good self-care today. This is a big new healthy step. I found that balancing the big with little things that mean a lot helps immensely. A hot cup of steaming, delicious coffee? A bouquet of fresh flowers? Maybe even a foot massage for yourself with your favorite music to relax into.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Welcome, so glad you came out of lurk-mode!
Sounds like you've really got a great handle on things to the best of your ability & have made tremendous strides on your own side of things. Good luck today!
Sounds like you've really got a great handle on things to the best of your ability & have made tremendous strides on your own side of things. Good luck today!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Sending you strength and clarity, Westgirl. I will never forget the day I filed, and I think you'll always remember this day too.
Welcome to SR, and looking forward to hearing more from you in the days to come.
Welcome to SR, and looking forward to hearing more from you in the days to come.
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