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Staying home for the wrong reasons

Old 11-02-2004, 07:30 AM
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Gracey
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Staying home for the wrong reasons

I wanted him to stay home.......but for all the wrong reasons........I have alot of insecurities in the past that I now recognize.......(that is progress for me).

This is a huge problem of mine........I get crazy when I know he is going out........I have always been this way........I dont think I have ever trusted him.......I have suffocated him.......I dont want him to do anything without me........

Because of my mom's affair she had......I think my parents must have had the same problems.......I would bet that my dad didnt want my mom going anywhere.......and vise versa..........It must have been drilled in my mind that it wasnt normal for a husband and wife to do seperate things.........I am teaching my kids that, my six year old before my husband left.......was saying bad daddy, bad daddy......and my husband said......why are you saying that.......and she didnt answer him and just kept saying bad daddy, bad daddy........what am I teaching my children. I am hoping me seeing this is another step forward.....I panicked lastnight........If I dont stop this obsessive behavior.....I am going to teach my child what my parents taught me......this cycle has to stop........I have to tell my children I am wrong........I have to tell them it is normal......to be seperate individuals and to be your own person.......and to be independent.......If I keep this up I am going to very much have a codie for children.......my girls are going to think.......there husbands can never go anything without them.....and if you dont keep a tight rain on them......they are going to leave.........God Im sick............

I told him I was sorry lastnight........I told him that this is all my fault.....and that I have to deal with this somehow........but because of the past I have a very hard time trusting anything........but I think it is my past before I was ever married.......I think it was from my past I cant remember........but this is what I was taught subconsciously and I am acting it out as an adult.....thinking for so long this was normal to never do anything apart........and it was abnormal.......to be seperate individuals.......and go hang with are friends without the other.......
 
Old 11-02-2004, 07:51 AM
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I felt the same way for so long. That a marriage or relationship was also "1". You know, the old ball and chain bit. But in the process, we smothered each other. He now does his thing if he wants, I do my meetings and run during the day if I feel like. If I wasn't such a chicken to drive in snow at night, I would take classes of some sort. This is something I need to work on. I love art and would love to take art classes. HHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, got to focus on what's really holding me back on this one.

It was hard to do because I grew up with my grandparents and they didn't do anything separate. And they definitely should have.

Don't apologize to anyone for what's happened to you in the past. It wasn't your fault. Just look to yourself and find a solution that will help you grow and become an independent individual. It feels good.

Hugs, Kathy
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Old 11-02-2004, 08:53 AM
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I understand you completely. I have obsessive thoughts as well. My H went out last night, too. I "let" him. We sometimes go to our friend's house to watch Monday night football. She invites several people over to have dinner, drink, etc. Well, I didn't want to go. It's hard b/c we have a 2 year old. Can't really relax and socialize too well. Anyways, I told him he could go without me, and he jumped on it. He said he'd go for a while, just kinda stop by. Well, he didn't return until 1:00am. I was freaking out.

I think you know the rest of the story. I don't trust him and wonder what was going on when I'm not there. He's broken my trust so many times and lies to me all the time....reading your post, I can understand what you're feeling. I feel like a crazy person sometimes...Like I've turned into someone I'm not. I used to be easy going and didn't think twice about anything. That's all changed now.
I used to think couples needed not to go out separately, but it can be a good thing. We've smothered each other, and it's been unhealthy to our relationship. I know it's a good thing to have alone time, but what I do alone with friends doesn't necessarily involve alcohol and definitely not drugs. He gets drunk and smokes pot with his buddies.

Sorry to go off like that. I'm new here and I just want to get it all out. I understand your feelings. It's good to hear others who are going through the same thing. Thanks!!
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Old 11-02-2004, 09:17 AM
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Gracey -
I may be way off base here and this is only my opinion.

All of this is not your fault. You already know that your husband cheated on you once. From your posts about him, it doesn't seem like that issue has ever completely been resolved. I know you posted once that he was threatening to do it again.

You may have issues from the past that are coming into play. BUT, your H has done his share of damage to your relationship. You H has not helped you to get over your insecurities from the past - he's confirmed them.

Don't take on all of this guilt. Recognize the issue and take steps to resolve it but don't make yourself feel bad because of your feelings.
Hugs - L
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Old 11-02-2004, 09:20 AM
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I do all my own running, but my running that I do most of the time......isnt fun.....I was going to a meeting on Friday nights.....but going up north to see my brother...has put a nillll on that for the time being....I take the kids to all there practices and games, I grocery shop......I work, I go up north for weekends sometimes.....I never drink.......so my thought process isnt being wavered......but I know what I am doing is not wrong......I always have the kids.....I can take them pretty much anywhere i go.....Sometimes I tell them I want to go grocery shopping by myself....just cause I need to.......

My husband does all his running too.....but he never has to worry about the kids......he always gets alone time.......and when he does leave.....which was quite often.....it was to go to the neighbors and get wasted....It never bothered me when he was gone at the neighbors.....cause he was always right there if I needed him....I knew where he was and I wasnt worried......I was lonley though.....but I would rather be lonely than hang out with a bunch of people getting wasted and acting stupid......

Where I get crazy is when he wants to go out with his one friend who is a cocaine addict and sells drugs....My husband has never done cocaine....and I dont think he ever will......but it scares me when he goes out with him.....I dont trust his friend....I think my husband told everyone about the affair......that really bugs me......I think his friend knew.....when he saw me the day before I found out.....I have so many issues......
 
Old 11-02-2004, 09:41 AM
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Gracey - you are working so hard on your CoDe issues. I think you are doing great. I totally understand your concern about passing these issues onto your children. I feel the exact same way. Don't put all the blame on you. Just because you have trust issues in your past don't mean the trust issues you have now are your fault. If he had been faithful and honest with you always, trust wouldn't even be a question. My dad cheated on my mom and left her with five kids, no job and all the household responsibilities. I am very insecure in the same way that you are, but I also realize that when the right person is there, by your side, trust will not be an issue. You CAN'T blame yourself because of him miss leading you and lieing to you. That gives him power over you (so to speak).

I agree with you when it comes to your children, but when it comes to him and the trust thing, put it in Gods hands. There is nothing you can do...when it comes down to it, he's going to do what he wants to and there's no sense beating yourself up over it.

Stay Strong Gracey - you're doing great!!

(((Gracey)))
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Old 11-02-2004, 09:49 AM
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((((gracey))))) you always pour out your soul to us and i think it helps you as well as helps others. what the others have said above is true. you are recognizing and working on your issues.

you need to develop some outside friendships so that you can have a "break" and do something without kids, groceries, etc. just some "gracey" time.

your posts are awesome to read because you are willing to "bare your soul" and for that i thank you!
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Old 11-02-2004, 09:52 AM
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I am wondering if I would mind if he went out with people who were not addicts.

This is why I wanted him to go to church...so he could become active with people from church.....I dont think I would worry if he went out with some church people. I know that everyone in church is not....perfect.....I just think it would be better odds for him and us...

I am always second guessing and questioning everything.....my thoughts....(Maybe I am wrong)......well you know......

I have let everyone decide everything for me most of the time.....

He has never hung out with anyone that has not been addicted to one thing or another......EVER......would that make a difference though?
 
Old 11-02-2004, 10:03 AM
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His choices are his. He can choose who he hangs around with. Even if he's hanging around with addicts, it is his choice what he does. You don't have any real control over it. He is a grown man. It is not our place to decide who our As friends are. It is not our place to tell them what to do and where to go. It is all up to them. We have to allow them their own power to make choices and to face the consequences that go along with those choices.

As far as second guessing ourselves, I was the queen of that. I decided that I was always afraid of making a mistake - that's why I could never make a decision. I also decided that it was perfectly OK to make a mistake. Everyone does it. It's not the end of the world.
Hugs - L
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Old 11-02-2004, 11:34 AM
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Gracey,
I have those threatening feelings everytime my AH's brother calls. His brother is also an alcoholic. The only time his brother calls or sees him is when he wants someone to go get drunk with. The AH will drop everything to run and meet him. His brother treats him like crap. The brother has told me that my AH is jealous of him. He has also told other people the same thing. The AH knows this and says he can't stand his brother but when he calls, off he goes... They were suppose to meet at a local bar to discuss their Mother's health problems.(haven't met yet) I'm sure she would be proud of this... We have to get over these threatening feelings so we can move on with our life..
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Old 11-02-2004, 12:07 PM
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Gracey -

Sometimes we need help in sorting out our feelings and some guidance on what direction we should be taking. Have you considered going to see a therapist? It can make a world of difference to have someone to help you through all the questions and decisions. Go for yourself, work on yourself. Your husband is an adult and is capable of making his own decisions. Sometimes if one partner starts counselling, the other partner will join them. Counselling can help couples to make the decision to stay together and work through the problems or it can help them leave the marriage if that is what they need to do. Regardless of the marital outcome, counselling could be just what you need to help with your self esteem and help guide you on the path that is right for you. I speak from experience - counselling made a huge difference in my life. What could it hurt to give it a try?

Hugs, Jo
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Old 11-02-2004, 01:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Gracey
He has never hung out with anyone that has not been addicted to one thing or another......EVER......would that make a difference though?
Water seeks its own level.
All of my BEST friends in the world are ACoA's. It's not like one of us said, "Hey, I'm an adult child -- how about you? Wanna be friends?" I was friends with some of them for YEARS before the secret got out! Nope it's not like that at all. I think we all have some sort of built in radar that recognizes "something" familiar about other people and we "click" with them. Likewise, if you were to put me in a room full of non drinkers and ONE drunk - I'd go straight for the drunk (unknowingly, of course). It's not like I WANT the drama that comes with being involved with a drunk - it's just familiar and my radar picks up on it in a heartbeat.

What I'm saying here, I guess, is that once he starts to see himself as a recovering alcoholic, chances are, he'll gravitate towards other recovering alcoholics because he won't have that common bond with drinking buddies anymore -- but he WILL have it with his sober buddies.
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Old 11-03-2004, 09:36 AM
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In the past I have always tried to stop him from going out with his one buddy, I think mainly because his buddy is still single... and I think his last girlfriend was 21, he is a coke addict and an alcoholic.......he still thinks he is 18......that bothers me......I know that I cant tell him who to hang out with........but I try......(I am going to stop that) i am sure almost everyone here can relate..........on how hard it is to say go ahead honey go...have fun.....(when you know what is probably going to happen)

but that boils down to self esteem issues with myself...not pretty enough, not good enough, not young enough...not care free enough......I am a very serious person.....most of the time......my fun is alot different.....then someone else's fun.......I enjoy going to my kids games and practices.......I enjoy taking my kids to the cider mill.....and out to eat...I enjoy going up north......I like going camping......and jet skiing and boating......and snow sledding......and hiking.......I get enjoyment out of doing things.......not sitting around a kitchen table drinking with neighbors and talking about other people......I think theyre boring......

My husband is a joker.......laugh of the party......everyone loves to hear him......and he cracks everyone up.....Everyone up but me.......he gets his kicks and laughs by putting other people down.....and no one gets offended but me.....When he talks about someone and I am with him.....I'll try to give him a look.......like please stop that ......or I will verbally say to him......do you have to say that.......to me its sick that him and so many other people get a kick out of making fun of other people that are suppose to be friends.....

I do feel like the odd one alot because everyone else thinks its great......

I am going to take advice.........advice just to shut my mouth....next time he makes plans..even if I have to beat myself up and put a muzzle on my mouth..........sounds drastic.......but if thats what takes.......I see that I have to let him go......and the mistakes he makes are his own mistakes......

Will I tolerate cheating again...........................NO
Will I tolerate Physical abuse again............. NO

As far as seeing a therapist.......I cant right now.......I used up all my visits for marriage counseling which was a waste of time.........YUP, MY TIME..............because of course I wanted marriage counseling.......and it was in my name.......so my husband has 20 visits that his insurance will cover........for him......erggggggggggg........so I am going to wait until January and find an individual counselor.......and figure out why my self esteem is so bad......and figure out how to fix it.....Standing in the mirror telling myself that I am beautiful.........just doesnt work for me.........for some reason I need to hear it from someone else.......
 
Old 11-03-2004, 11:06 AM
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Standing in the mirror telling myself that I am beautiful.........just doesnt work for me.........for some reason I need to hear it from someone else.......

That's me, Gracey. I have found though that, over time, I'm beginning to actually believe that I'm great. It didn't really come from telling myself that (although that doesn't hurt). I think it came from doing things that made me proud of myself.

I think you're beautiful and I've never even seen you. :-)
Hugs - L
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Old 11-03-2004, 11:58 AM
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This is one of the many things I dont understand..........my self esteem is low........but from what I have been reading.....and read quite a few times........we think that we are somehow above are AH's. How come we think we are above them......but yet dont think much about ourselves?

I hope this isnt an inappropriate question........

thank you Lorelai......you are so cool!!!!!!!
 
Old 11-03-2004, 12:25 PM
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I think we try to control our AH's as a means to building our own self esteem.

I think about it this way:

"If I help you to _________, and it succeeds, you should be grateful to me that I could help you".

I hope this makes sense, but I believe that helps to satisfy our needs and we "think" erroneously that it is building our self esteem, which it is not, because the A then throws it back in our faces in a negative way.
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Old 11-03-2004, 12:36 PM
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gracey - i think we feel we are above them because we have a disease too and it's our way of denying that we play a part in the bad behaviors in relationships. i don't know - maybe i am just off base!

we'll wait for one of the "wise ones" to give us their insight!
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Old 11-03-2004, 12:54 PM
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Counselling - try your local women's shelter or DV shelter. They often do counselling there for free and for any type of abuse (and living with an alcoholic is abusive).
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Old 11-03-2004, 01:00 PM
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Aspouse...........WOW........that is great.......I never looked at it like that before.........and that is why.......if we dont work on ourselves.......we are going to continue to end up in codie relationships........I have so many things running through my head right now........

That is why it is okay to disagree......and have different opinions......if everyone agreed with everyone.....this would be a pretty boring world........

So my opinion may not agree with my AH's and his opinion may not agree with mine and that is okay......so mine opinion may not count to him........but it counts with me and that's what matters to me...........and someone shouldnt try to force anyone to agree with anyone. That is why we should pick our battles........that is why we need to set boundaries for ourselves and that will help us with our own self esteem issues......

Am I making sense here or just babbling..........(no matter) I feel good right now......and I am going to create goals for myself.....
 
Old 11-03-2004, 01:10 PM
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Who needs counselling, I have you guys........(lol)

I am going to go to individual counseling in January....when my insurance renews....I have gone to IC, and I have gone to marriage counseling......

But I have never got anything out of them.......and I know why now.........because I was always blaming other people......and this site has made me look at myself........I can now say I am ready to look into myself and fix me......

Why didnt the counselors tell me this.........(no matter) I know myself now........and when I go.....I will concentrate on my issues.....I would always go and want them to give me suggestions on how to fix my relationships and how to fix other people....because I was so desperate in getting happier.......I wanted them to tell me how to fix other people.....I feel so happy right now..........it is like a revolution.......

I have my certificate in insanity......now I want my certificate in sanity.......
 

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