Veronica

My AH is sober and working his program. We've been married for just over two years. We had a short courtship and in truth barely knew eachother when we got married. Alcoholism robbed us of two years and now that he is sober, we still don't know eachother (plus, in his recovery from alcoholism and my recovery from codependency, we're getting to know ourselves too) AND we have horrible communication skills (i.e. skills we learned while he was an active alcoholic). We have an appointment to see a marriage counselor, so we are actively working on trying to make our relationship better. Is there anything else we can do?

My AH thinks I'm nuts and he doesn't understand why I am so upset - he's sober, I should be happy and, yes, he a good husband. He shows his affection by doing things for me - and though I truly appreciate all that he does for me, I understand love through positive affirmations and touch (I've mentioned this to him, but he doesn't get it). It's like we exist on parallel planes! I feel so lonely. Lately it seems like we just consume space next to eachother. I've tried talking to him, but he gets upset and thinks I am over reacting and thinking too much, to say the least. May be I am? I feel like I just woke up and have lost two years of my life. I am married to a man that doesn't know me and I don't know him. We have no emotional intimacy and he doesn't understand why that upsets me.

Any advice?

DesertEyes

Hello Veronica, and welcome to the forum :-)

Yeah, sure is. Have patience :-) From what you have said in your post it seems to me that you are both doing exactly the right things you need to do in order to make a marriage work.
There is a couple things you did not mention. Do _you_ have a sponsor that you share with on a weekly basis? Do you take time to reach out to people in your program who are in need of someone to share with?

In my experience, establishing the kind of communication it takes to make a marriage work takes a long time. In a perfect world we would just shop around on eBay and pick the perfect spouse ;-) In real life it takes a lot of hard work and time. I think you guys are doing all the hard work just fine. All you have to do is _continue_ to do what you are doing and let the HP have some time to make it all come together.

No. You have needs just like anybody else does. Intimacy and touch and affirmations are an important part of a relationship. You are not getting your needs met, and that hurts. Seeing a counselor is a _great_ idea. You can tell the counselor what your needs are, and let the counselor interpret those in ways that your hubby can understand. It's _not_ going to happen in just one visit. The counselor has to get to know you two for a few visits. Then you're hubby is going to have to try and get his head to understand what is obviously a very strange concept to him. Then he'll have questions and confusions. Somewhere along the way he will make an effort to meet your needs, but at first he won't do it very well. You will have to be patient and cooperate with him as he learns to meet your needs.

I think you have the answer to your questions right there. In a perfect world, how long would you _really_ need to live with someone before you felt comfortable enough to marry them? Have them be the father of your children? That's how long you two are going to have to work your programs and be patient with each other until you find that happy "middle ground" where you can cooperate with each other and fall in love all over again.
Whadya think?

Mike :-)

gelfling

I agree with Desert. Patience is so very important. Both of you are making new adjustments to your lives. Baby steps. The disease robs us of feelings and emotions and we have difficulty in expressing them. My husband can tell everyone he loves them. But he can't say it to me. I've wondered why and think it's because of the past pain and problems. He does give me beautiful cards and signs them with love, etc. But like you, I would love to hear the words and feel the touch that means something other than sex.

Damn, I sure went off track, didn't I.

Hugs, Kathy

Veronica

Mike,

I think you are a genious! Thank you for the advice and the validation! I do not have a sponsor and, in truth, haven't been to alanon in a while. I've tried over 20 meetings and haven't found one that I like...well, I take that back, I did find one I like. I will make an effort to go this week, it's on Thursdays. I've mostly been coming here and reading Melanie Beattie books (Codie No More, Codie No More II...). Patience. I'm not very good with being patient - makes sense why I am having a hard time adjusting.... =)

Veronica

Kathy - thank you for sharing. Sounds like we have similar experiences. Thanks for the reminder...baby steps. I guess I thought all of the communcation/emotional intimacy problems would be solved with sobriety - turns out, the sobriety just makes them easier to see.

Dan

Hi Veronica.
I'm a recovering addict. I wanted to thank you for that phrase.
It describes my experience perfectly.
Be gentle with yourself.
Trying to rebuild a relationship with my wife was the hardest thing I ever tried to do.
Courage and patience to you both.

DesertEyes

Wow, thank you for that wonderful compliment All I'm doing is passing on to you what was freely given to me by other members of Al-Anon

Here's what works for me. At the Thursday meeting there will be a secretary who usually arrives there early to help set up. Ask the secretary that you want a _temporary_ sponsor just to help you get settled and help you find a regular sponsor. Ask the secretary who _their_ sponsor is, or who is the Al-Anon lady with the _most_ serenity at that meeting. Get the phone number for that person and ask to meet them for coffee an hour before the Al-Anon meeting on Friday. Meet with that person and ask them to be your _temporary_ sponsor.

That simple. By Friday you can have a temporary sponsor and be well on your way.

Yeah, I'm the same way. I guess your HP is giving you the opportunity to develop patience

Mike :-)