Do I trust my gut?
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Do I trust my gut?
Last week XAH was visiting with DS and seemed a bit off during the visit. Just something - I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
In addition to that, he ended up slipping into the ditch close to his house (to his defense - it was muddy and roads there are gravel on mud pretty much). His family ce to the rescue - and claimed that he appeared sober, but, of course, they can’t be 100% sure
I asked for a drug/alcohol test tomorrow morning - and he quipped that he could not afford it. I said I will cover it - he said that he can’t tomorrow, but could do it Friday (which, IMO, is pointless since everything will be out of his urine by then, even if he took anything )
He complained that I am being unreasonable. I don’t know y’all - “my tail is tingling”
Appreciate any thoughts on my situation, and feel free to share your stories where you went with your gut and were right!
In addition to that, he ended up slipping into the ditch close to his house (to his defense - it was muddy and roads there are gravel on mud pretty much). His family ce to the rescue - and claimed that he appeared sober, but, of course, they can’t be 100% sure
I asked for a drug/alcohol test tomorrow morning - and he quipped that he could not afford it. I said I will cover it - he said that he can’t tomorrow, but could do it Friday (which, IMO, is pointless since everything will be out of his urine by then, even if he took anything )
He complained that I am being unreasonable. I don’t know y’all - “my tail is tingling”
Appreciate any thoughts on my situation, and feel free to share your stories where you went with your gut and were right!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
I don't really have any experience with this in particular but one thing that seems very odd is that he said he can do the drug test on Friday.
It's Tuesday!
Is his life so jam packed full of activity that he has to wait 3 days?
Also, I assume he is not stupid and realizes that doing it Friday would be a complete waste of time.
The "unreasonable" comment, what agreement do you have about drug testing, if any?
It's Tuesday!
Is his life so jam packed full of activity that he has to wait 3 days?
Also, I assume he is not stupid and realizes that doing it Friday would be a complete waste of time.
The "unreasonable" comment, what agreement do you have about drug testing, if any?
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I'd trust my gut. The fact that he comes up with excuses not to do the drug testing is a red flag. First he can't afford it and then when you offer to pay he has another excuse. And you're not being unreasonable (well in his eyes you are because you're onto him). You've been through this many times I'm sure and I'm sure I would not really trust his family's judgment because it may be clouded or they just may not be as in tune as you are. Over the years I was pretty much dead on every time I thought he had started drinking again but I'm sure no one else would've picked up on it because he hid it well and they were oftentimes just subtle changes. Trust your gut.
Now you said he was visiting your DS? Does he get unsupervised visits? If not I probably would not worry as much about it unless he is working to getting unsupervised visit and you need to be able to show he can't be trusted. One way around that would be that he has to do soberlink before he sees your DS if he wants u supervised visits at some point.
Now you said he was visiting your DS? Does he get unsupervised visits? If not I probably would not worry as much about it unless he is working to getting unsupervised visit and you need to be able to show he can't be trusted. One way around that would be that he has to do soberlink before he sees your DS if he wants u supervised visits at some point.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Pretty much every time I shared my gut with my XAH's family, they assured me that they had just been with him and he seemed to be great.
I think they sincerely believed that he was, both because they wanted him to be and because their gut wasn't as attuned as mine was. In each case, it became painfully obvious that he was relapsing a day or two later and my gut was dead on.
I'm always being "unreasonable" and "not working with him" or "not following the intent of our agreements" when I ask him to follow an agreed protocol. When those words come up now, I know my gut is right.
If you can legally insist on a test asap and he refuses, I would ensure you have that documented so you can use it later. Legally a refused or missed test can count as a positive.
I think they sincerely believed that he was, both because they wanted him to be and because their gut wasn't as attuned as mine was. In each case, it became painfully obvious that he was relapsing a day or two later and my gut was dead on.
I'm always being "unreasonable" and "not working with him" or "not following the intent of our agreements" when I ask him to follow an agreed protocol. When those words come up now, I know my gut is right.
If you can legally insist on a test asap and he refuses, I would ensure you have that documented so you can use it later. Legally a refused or missed test can count as a positive.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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I think those senses are dead on. We then talk ourselves out of trusting them, but they are always right (at least for me that was the case). It would usually take a lot longer to find the proof or his behavior became obvious he was using.
It was so weird because I could tell almost immediately when my ex had started using, but I could never quite tell what it was that I was picking up on, just something was........off. It was so so so subtle and I would kind of feel crazy, but I couldn't shake it. Definitely could not explain what it was that was different to someone else, just a strong gut feeling. Trust it.
I don't know if this means you need to step in and protect your children, but if it is nothing you have to act on immediately, then I am sure more will be revealed in time.
It was so weird because I could tell almost immediately when my ex had started using, but I could never quite tell what it was that I was picking up on, just something was........off. It was so so so subtle and I would kind of feel crazy, but I couldn't shake it. Definitely could not explain what it was that was different to someone else, just a strong gut feeling. Trust it.
I don't know if this means you need to step in and protect your children, but if it is nothing you have to act on immediately, then I am sure more will be revealed in time.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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A helpful thought my husband shared with me a number of years back: he shared the theory of pattern disruption being something that humans easily picked up on. They couldn't always say why, but they could tell when something normal - suddenly wasn't.
My attorney gave me a cheat sheet of words I could use to describe the signs of drinking, and that helped me to put my finger on things that were off. For him, it was repetition of stories or points, circular logic during arguments, misunderstanding the kids' questions, a super subtle slur which he could mostly control but would slip sometimes, glassy eyes, and this weird "heh heh" laugh that he doesn't do when he's sober. Journaling helped to hone my confidence that the signs I was seeing were linked to drinking.
My attorney gave me a cheat sheet of words I could use to describe the signs of drinking, and that helped me to put my finger on things that were off. For him, it was repetition of stories or points, circular logic during arguments, misunderstanding the kids' questions, a super subtle slur which he could mostly control but would slip sometimes, glassy eyes, and this weird "heh heh" laugh that he doesn't do when he's sober. Journaling helped to hone my confidence that the signs I was seeing were linked to drinking.
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Nara.....I have never been wrong...when I detected that something was "off".
Often, it can be very, very subtle...that only a person who knows another person really well, can pick up on.
I have never been wrong...never....not one time....
****you can n ot ever trust what other people say...because it is not their ox in the ditch......(no pun intended...lol)....
Often, it can be very, very subtle...that only a person who knows another person really well, can pick up on.
I have never been wrong...never....not one time....
****you can n ot ever trust what other people say...because it is not their ox in the ditch......(no pun intended...lol)....
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Originally Posted by Wamama48 
One thing my mom always told me, and I have stuck to it, is always trust your gut. Always. It will rarely steer you wrong.
Just occurred to me that he now makes more money that he has done a year ago - and somehow he is always broke. Makes me sad thinking that he may have relapsed - but this is what alcoholics/addicts do (XAH was also addicted to pills in addition to alcohol)
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by Nata1980
Thank you Wamama
Just occurred to me that he now makes more money that he has done a year ago - and somehow he is always broke. Makes me sad thinking that he may have relapsed - but this is what alcoholics/addicts do (XAH was also addicted to pills in addition to alcohol)
Just occurred to me that he now makes more money that he has done a year ago - and somehow he is always broke. Makes me sad thinking that he may have relapsed - but this is what alcoholics/addicts do (XAH was also addicted to pills in addition to alcohol)
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 24
Always trust your gut
Just a few days ago I had sent a message to my boyfriend saying "before I over-react my gut feeling tells me that you don't want me around anymore is this true?" Long story short it was true, he wanted out of the relationship. He's the alcoholic in the relationship, but I was the one causing all the problems??? He wasn't happy and it wasn't working for him.
Trust your gut, go with it.
Trust your gut, go with it.
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Location: The Beach
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Always, always, ALWAYS trust your gut!!!
Instinct are never wrong... oh our hearts and our heads can convince us otherwise but that feeling in the core of your body, in your soul, it knows.... trust it. About everything.
You know what you know.
Instinct are never wrong... oh our hearts and our heads can convince us otherwise but that feeling in the core of your body, in your soul, it knows.... trust it. About everything.
You know what you know.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Chiming in as one more voice saying that if your Spidey Sense is tingling, there is probably a reason.
XAH's drinking "tells" were so, so subtle that I couldn't be sure most of the time, and I lived w/him for over 20 years. No one else would ever have had the slightest clue, I'm sure, and taken him for stone cold sober even when he was drunk enough to not remember what happened when the next AM rolled around.
On the day he was injured in a hit-and-run down at our mailbox and ended up in the ER w/5 broken ribs and a shattered elbow, I heard them say what his BAC was. When I went home, I used an online calculator to trace back to what his BAC would have been at the time of the accident. It would have been at a level that would have rendered any normal person comatose--I'm not exaggerating, that is what the site said. Yet he walked down a long flight of stairs, put the dogs on their leashes, and walked to the mailbox. After the accident, he put the dogs back in the house and went back UP that long flight of stairs, thinking he'd lie down "to see if he felt better."
Nope, trust your instincts--I think they're probably right...
XAH's drinking "tells" were so, so subtle that I couldn't be sure most of the time, and I lived w/him for over 20 years. No one else would ever have had the slightest clue, I'm sure, and taken him for stone cold sober even when he was drunk enough to not remember what happened when the next AM rolled around.
On the day he was injured in a hit-and-run down at our mailbox and ended up in the ER w/5 broken ribs and a shattered elbow, I heard them say what his BAC was. When I went home, I used an online calculator to trace back to what his BAC would have been at the time of the accident. It would have been at a level that would have rendered any normal person comatose--I'm not exaggerating, that is what the site said. Yet he walked down a long flight of stairs, put the dogs on their leashes, and walked to the mailbox. After the accident, he put the dogs back in the house and went back UP that long flight of stairs, thinking he'd lie down "to see if he felt better."
Nope, trust your instincts--I think they're probably right...
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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You want to know if he's been drinking now, not whether he will have been drinking in four days' time - so if he can't/won't do the alcohol test now, he might as well just not do it.
So in effect, you asked him to do a test to address your concerns about his drinking with the kid in his care and he said no. So the question is, what do you do if he refuses to test? With or without a "reason", like being "too busy" or "can't afford it", it's still a refusal to test.
So in effect, you asked him to do a test to address your concerns about his drinking with the kid in his care and he said no. So the question is, what do you do if he refuses to test? With or without a "reason", like being "too busy" or "can't afford it", it's still a refusal to test.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
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After two years of living with an alcoholic boyfriend who I was crazy in love with, I finally decided that the pain of living with his disease was stronger than the joy I occasionally felt when we were together. So, a few months ago I broke up with my ABF. I missed him terribly, but I also found great peace in living alone without his chaos.
A month later he came back to me and told me he had gotten sober and begged me to try again, and I agreed. About two weeks in, I got a funny feeling he was drinking. I asked him and he said no. I didn't have any proof, just a feeling. I let it go.
It happened again a week later. I could smell it. I could see the glassy eyes. His voice changed. I KNEW he'd been drinking. I asked him, and he said no. I decided not to play the game any more. This time I turned around, looked right at him, and calmly said, "I know you have been drinking. I know you are lying to me. You are not fooling me one bit." And I said it with absolute conviction. And then I grabbed my purse, and I left the house.
I was so happy that I finally trusted my gut rather than playing the game of desperately seeking for "proof." A couple days later, he admitted that he drank and lied about it. By then I had had it. I told him I could not handle his sneaking and lying any more, and asked him to move out.
Why make it your job to "prove" he is drunk? Turn it around, and make it his job to "prove" to you that he is sober, if you need that assurance in order to let him see the kids.
A month later he came back to me and told me he had gotten sober and begged me to try again, and I agreed. About two weeks in, I got a funny feeling he was drinking. I asked him and he said no. I didn't have any proof, just a feeling. I let it go.
It happened again a week later. I could smell it. I could see the glassy eyes. His voice changed. I KNEW he'd been drinking. I asked him, and he said no. I decided not to play the game any more. This time I turned around, looked right at him, and calmly said, "I know you have been drinking. I know you are lying to me. You are not fooling me one bit." And I said it with absolute conviction. And then I grabbed my purse, and I left the house.
I was so happy that I finally trusted my gut rather than playing the game of desperately seeking for "proof." A couple days later, he admitted that he drank and lied about it. By then I had had it. I told him I could not handle his sneaking and lying any more, and asked him to move out.
Why make it your job to "prove" he is drunk? Turn it around, and make it his job to "prove" to you that he is sober, if you need that assurance in order to let him see the kids.
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