How do you begin?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 22
How do you begin?
I have been lied to and manipulated for the last time. I am a stay at home mom. No job, no money. I plan on going to Al-Anon meeting on Wednesday. I don't even know where to begin the conversation with my husband. I fear the blow up (not violent just loud and manipulative). I fear opening Pandora's box and never turning back. I fear doing nothing and living this way forever. I fear standing up for myself because I forgot what my voice sounds like.
For 2 days now I have been hashing out ripping the bandaid off and then talking myself out of it. Over and over again. How do you begin the process? Weve been married 21 years. 21 years on the same roller coaster....ready to get off.
For 2 days now I have been hashing out ripping the bandaid off and then talking myself out of it. Over and over again. How do you begin the process? Weve been married 21 years. 21 years on the same roller coaster....ready to get off.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,717
You just began by taking the step to seek help. Great decision to go to an Al-Anon meeting. For the next few days you will find alot of support here. Remember, you are going to learn to take care of yourself first. Your life is top priority. Good Luck!
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
How do you begin?
If this is your first Al-Anon meeting, then that's how, and that's a fantastic first step.
You don't have to do everything at once and Al-Anon and the people on this forum will help open the way to doing what you need to do. One step at a time, one day at a time.
Welcome to SR!
If this is your first Al-Anon meeting, then that's how, and that's a fantastic first step.
You don't have to do everything at once and Al-Anon and the people on this forum will help open the way to doing what you need to do. One step at a time, one day at a time.
Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
I feel ya awake. Stay at home mom here married 22 years. For me it came when my daughter asked for help out of this situation I had to support her I couldn't choose my AH over my innocent daughter and live with myself. The amount of fear is unbelievable especially after not working for 22 years. I will say that when I tried to imagine a future with AH as he is today after the kids are gone I knew that was a black hole I wanted no part of. My AH chose not to change, he's still drinking still being a victim I don't want that person, and the truth is if those things were gone I don't know what would be left and I would rather take my chances on my own because I can never again trust what he "presents" himself to be even if its good. Wishing you all the peace and strength in the world. Keep talking lots of wise ones here.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Awake.....a group of people who have lots of the kinds of referral services that you are likely to need, are the folks at your local domestic violence center. things that your average person might not know how to access....
Now---don't let that name scare you! Even if you have never been hit or physically abused....you could still qualify for help. Living with an alcoholic for many years can be mental abuse, in itself....(there are many kinds of abuse)....
You can just talk to them on the phone, if you wish....they are very understanding and non-judgemental...their goal is to help you in any way that they can.....
they may be able to help direct you to housing, transportation, vocational services, financial assistance, legal counseling, child care, etc........
Here is the main number.....1-800-799-7233....
they can help direct your call, if needed....
I think going to alanon is an excellent idea! I don't think you have to tell your husband, if you don't want to---this is for you.
If you need a "cover story"...you could always say that you are going to a woman's improvement group (that isn't a lie...lol).....
I am glad that you are willing to reach out for help.....that is a big plus for you!
Now---don't let that name scare you! Even if you have never been hit or physically abused....you could still qualify for help. Living with an alcoholic for many years can be mental abuse, in itself....(there are many kinds of abuse)....
You can just talk to them on the phone, if you wish....they are very understanding and non-judgemental...their goal is to help you in any way that they can.....
they may be able to help direct you to housing, transportation, vocational services, financial assistance, legal counseling, child care, etc........
Here is the main number.....1-800-799-7233....
they can help direct your call, if needed....
I think going to alanon is an excellent idea! I don't think you have to tell your husband, if you don't want to---this is for you.
If you need a "cover story"...you could always say that you are going to a woman's improvement group (that isn't a lie...lol).....
I am glad that you are willing to reach out for help.....that is a big plus for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 22
Wow! Boy did I need to go to that meeting this morning. I swear I was going to sit quietly and observe but the reading that they did was literally me, my life, my thoughts, so I bawled and shared. I really did not think I would cry, I'm kinda numb. I welled up with tears when they welcomed me, lol. I may find another meeting in the meantime but I will go back to that one next week.
I am not sure if, when or how I will tell my husband that I am seeking help. My keep it to myself for a while.
Feeling scared as hell, but really hopeful. What will be will be
I am not sure if, when or how I will tell my husband that I am seeking help. My keep it to myself for a while.
Feeling scared as hell, but really hopeful. What will be will be
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,717
Really happy for you! Stay strong! I would get a few meetings under my belt before letting him know. It really is all about you right now. Your actions and attitude will speak millions but, you need to gain more from the meetings.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I am not sure if, when or how I will tell my husband that I am seeking help. My keep it to myself for a while.
You have no obligation to tell him anything. He will likely not agree with you going because he does not have a problem in his eyes. Best to just keep it to yourself and take care of you and your needs and potentially getting your duck in order for a potential escape (maybe start looking at getting a job or maybe even consulting a lawyer so that you know what you can expect if you split. You have been married a long time and a stay at home mom so I'm sure you have a lot or rights as far a child support and alimony. Only problem could be that if he is an alcoholic is he at risk of losing his job? because even if he has to pay you alimony if he does not have a job he has no money to pay. I have no idea how close you are to bailing (you may not be) but I just thought I would throw that out there.
Read codependent no more. You don't have to tell him anything about anything you are doing because you are doing this for you. Good for you for going to alanon and that you found it very helpful. It will likely give you some more clarity on the situation and help you understand things a lot better. I know now that I really did not know much at all about addiction and most people don't unless they have been affected by it personally in some way). Because if I had I would not be in the situation I am in.
You have no obligation to tell him anything. He will likely not agree with you going because he does not have a problem in his eyes. Best to just keep it to yourself and take care of you and your needs and potentially getting your duck in order for a potential escape (maybe start looking at getting a job or maybe even consulting a lawyer so that you know what you can expect if you split. You have been married a long time and a stay at home mom so I'm sure you have a lot or rights as far a child support and alimony. Only problem could be that if he is an alcoholic is he at risk of losing his job? because even if he has to pay you alimony if he does not have a job he has no money to pay. I have no idea how close you are to bailing (you may not be) but I just thought I would throw that out there.
Read codependent no more. You don't have to tell him anything about anything you are doing because you are doing this for you. Good for you for going to alanon and that you found it very helpful. It will likely give you some more clarity on the situation and help you understand things a lot better. I know now that I really did not know much at all about addiction and most people don't unless they have been affected by it personally in some way). Because if I had I would not be in the situation I am in.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I don't see why you would need to tell him. You are not under any obligation to do so. This is for you, and you are entitled to it.
If he ever pressed you about where you are going, etc....then you could just tell him that you are going to a woman's improvement group. (that is not a lie)......
If he ever pressed you about where you are going, etc....then you could just tell him that you are going to a woman's improvement group. (that is not a lie)......
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Im so happy you are looking for your path forward. Nothing changes if nothing changes.. has been good for me to remember. There probably isnt a rush in deciding what to tell your husband. Give yourself time and most likely the answer to that one will be revealed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 22
In just one meeting I can see I am a lot more affected by this than I thought I was. I thought I was just unhappy. I thought doing all the things I could to improve things would change things. I am starting to see a much bigger picture. Nothing I do or say changes anything and it hasn't for 21 years and I have just learned to move on, but have never forgotten. The passage from the booklet at yesterday's meeting that we read was literally a word for word conversation that I had with him a few months ago. Literally.
So I am awake now and will go to meetings without telling him- a big hurdle but with all of the feedback here, I can see I am not betraying anything or should feel guilty about it. I appreciate you all.
So I am awake now and will go to meetings without telling him- a big hurdle but with all of the feedback here, I can see I am not betraying anything or should feel guilty about it. I appreciate you all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
In just one meeting I can see I am a lot more affected by this than I thought I was.
Itnptobably took me longer than that to really get but yes it is so true. I had. I had no idea how bad my codependent ways were (didn't even know what that was until all of this) and how badly this whole thing has affected me. I've never been good at expressing my feelings (and probably not even feeling my feelings honestly) and I've been a master of keeping everything inside me and just sucking it up and going on autopilot for the most part. Not healthy as I've come to realize over the past year.
Itnptobably took me longer than that to really get but yes it is so true. I had. I had no idea how bad my codependent ways were (didn't even know what that was until all of this) and how badly this whole thing has affected me. I've never been good at expressing my feelings (and probably not even feeling my feelings honestly) and I've been a master of keeping everything inside me and just sucking it up and going on autopilot for the most part. Not healthy as I've come to realize over the past year.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by aliciagr 
Im so happy you are looking for your path forward. Nothing changes if nothing changes.. has been good for me to remember. There probably isnt a rush in deciding what to tell your husband. Give yourself time and most likely the answer to that one will be revealed.
I never wanted a tatoo in my life, but that actually is so true I would tatoo it right across my forehead
Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes......my new daily mantra
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