Minasia

Hi everyone,

I need some advice.
I met a very nice guy, like I see a future with him potentially. On 1st date he was completely honest and open that he is 2years sober from three addictions (sex;pot and alcohol). He underwent 12 steps and is now a sponsor himself and does service I think it's called. He was so open and told me it was a must for him that any woman knows from the very beginning and so I was floored by his honesty. He said he never dated for the two years since the recovery program does not allow any new relationships for 1 year. He told me to ask him anything I wanted. He also said that the reality is he can't guarunteee a lifelong remission and that it would be irresponsible of him tovpromise me that, and that in any addiction it's just a daily reprieve from the addiction,so I was very impressed by his candour. He literally has his phone always on for sponsees to call him and has meetings with them all through the night. He seems so motivated and dedicated. He has such insight into his past addiction by not bullshitting me about anything. He told me his family knows everything and it is not a secret that he is pat shame and it id important for him tgat everyone in the family knows. He is a devout christian and wants to organize meetings for addicts within his Church by collaborating with the priest- the ethnic middle eastern community he is part of is obviously extremely closed and hush hush about such an issue so for him to do this and expose himself to the whole community was so impressive to me. He has a list of women he has hurt through his sex addiction and has flown to other countries to specifically apologize to them. I told him I had fears obviously and he said of course and wanted me to go away and make a decision whether to continue factoring in only what I want in my life. I feel he has shown such integrity that although I fully understand the risk which is very real, I feel his good qualities in light if his integrity and motivation are enough to out weigh the risk. Am I crazy to continue our relationship? I have no experience whatsoever with addiction either with friends or family. I feel he deserves for me to see him for who he is sober and not judge him for his past. I do suffer from OCD so perhaps this will be relevant. Thank you and God bless.

Mango blast

Hi Minasia,

Welcome to SR.

Pray, and follow. Life is best enjoyed one day at a time.

As for your OCD and being in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict -- whether in recovery or not -- Alanon is a wonderful place to find healing, strength and your inner voice to guide you.

I believe you're wise to be curious, asking questions and wanting more information about these diseases.

http://al-anon.org/

dandylion

Minasia......I assume that this is very early of your knowing him.....it takes a long time to really get to know a person. I would say to give it a couple of years of getting to know him better.....you really only know the tip of the iceberg of the total person.....
And, that works the same for him in relation to you.
I have known a lot of really nice quality guys that I dated for periods of time...several months and much longer , in some cases....and it didn't work out as a permanent life long relationship for one reason or another....nothing really bad--just didn't work out....we went on our respective ways with no great upset or bad feelings.
I am a big believer in not rushing to commitment......

dandylion

Minasia.....now would be a good time to educate yourself about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. Same thing for sex addiction...I must say that I don't know much about sex addiction.

We have an extensive library on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.
I am giving you a link to it. There are a LOT of them....You could read one every day. By the time you finish all of them...you should have a pretty good idea of what is involved in being involved with an alcoholic/addict at a personal level.

You are allowed to go to OPEN AA meetings as a non-alcoholic. I would advise that you take in a few meetings...it will give you a glimpse into the world of recovery.....
Also, if you have OCD...I assume that you have a therapist.....Have you discussed these questions and concerns with the therapist....? I really think that it would be a good idea to do so....

Here is the link to our library of articles....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

By the way---2yrs. is considered by many to still be in the early phase of recovery. Genuine recovery is a process that continues for a person's lifetime.

LLLisa

I wouldn't be going there Minasia. 3 addictions is a big, big, scary thing.

Sleepyhollo

I think it is great that he was so open about it right away, I think that's fair because for some people it is a deal breaker and that way you save everyone's time and feelings by being up front about it (rather than waiting until people do fall for each other and then tell you about it)
It sounds like he is doing well with his recovery so that's good. And I agree most people do deserve second chances especially in a case where someone is up front about it and is doing well with his or her recovery.
If you like this person and it is not a deal breaker for you necessarily then nothing wrong with just taking it slow and taking the time to get to know this guy and see where it goes . You may end up not liking him for reasons that have nothing to do with his addiction past or he may end up being a great guy. It sounds like he is also very involved in AA and his recovery and for some people that becomes a problem because they feel like they're playing second fiddle to that. Not saying that's the case with this guy but it does happen. It sound like he is very open to discussing things with you which is very positive. He is not minimizing things in order to get you to be with him.
Personally at this point in my life (H out of rehab x 1 year and dong well but it took a heavy toll on our marriage and our marriage is far from being repaired ) I think I would stay away from someone with that history but that obviously has a lot to do with what I've been through with an active addict for many years (and that's the main reason the marriage got bad) that has left a bad taste in my mouth so to speak. And like I said, I'm still married so not like I'm looking for a relationship and it is all still very fresh in my mind so I'm probably not the best one to answer that question really.
I still drink but it is maybe once a week that I havec couple of drinks with friends and I also will have one drink if we go out to dinner. I am not willing to give that up because I don't have that problem. If you like to drink (and presumably in moderation ) you will need tot figure out how he feels about that. He maybe totally fine with it but he may not. I have a friend whose husband after 20 years sobriety still avoids functions where alcohol is present.
If you proceed just know what you want in a relationship and if he is a nice guy and you feel like you can truly be who you are with him (like not having to give up things you like to do in order to support his sobriety ) then I'd say why not give it a try . Just go in with your eyes wide open. Relationships are never a guarantee whether there is alcohol or not. But there is always the possibility for relapse but not everyone does. My good friend's mom married her step father (my friends step father that is) after he sobered up (they were dating while he was an alcoholic but she wouldn't marry him unless he was clean) . He had been sober for a while maybe a year or so before they started dating again. They've been married for almost 25 years now and he has never relapsed.

tomsteve

1st date and spilling everything. all i read is someone being self centered and mememememe.
did he ask about YOU? did he talk about anything else?

you met a guy.
what relationship are you concerned about?its not even a friendship yet.
this statement here screams all kinds of something
I feel he deserves for me to see him for who he is sober and not judge him for his past.

he doesnt deserve crap. he needs to earn it through actions not words.
just like you do.and ya best be doing some judging.

honestly,there is a whole lot about you in you post,minasia.a whole lot screaming
you could benefit greatly from some counseling/therapy and/or alanon.

one more thing screaming at me

he said of course and wanted me to go away and make a decision whether to continue factoring in only what I want in my life. I

telling you what he wants you to do.a wee bit controlling there.

trust your gut.its already telling you something aint right.

Clover71

I agree with some of what tomstevesaid. He sounds controlling, and honestly I kinda cringed at some things he told you. I would run but that's just me.

PeacefulWater12

In my experience, it is best to listen to my gut reaction.

If it is telling me something feels wrong, I respect it and act on it.

August252015

ALL of this.

I would say to take a hard pass on this one. It reminds me of a gentleman in my home group who wanted to date me- I was very early in sobriety (4ish mo- I am now almost 2 years) and HE had 20+ years of sobriety from ALCOHOL - and other addictions including sex ...but he was a MESS. I was the stable one, relatively speaking.

This is taking on a HUGE gamble - and there's already a lot of future projecting after ONE encounter. To give you my point of comparison - the only person I would consider letting in - and considered him a friend at first- was my HIGH SCHOOL boyfriend....who was early in recovery....and we took it step by step and are a quite unusual example of a recovery-based, faith based relationship- and we got married in Dec.

My final point to stress is that an excellent idea, perhaps in general whether you date this person or not (because, really, no matter what any of us say you will do what you want), to educate yourself on alcoholism and addiction. Some of your language reflects a good basic understanding (CAVEAT: from what he told you), but plenty of it (such as the rule about not dating- it's not a rule, it's a commonly made suggestion) reveals much more to understand.

Best to you for taking care of you.

Spence7471

Minasia,

I was in the same boat as you 4 years ago.. my now wife, told me that she was a recovering addict and was forward with some of her past. She was sober for about 7 years at that time.

I was not familiar with addiction, and thought it would not be a problem as she has had it under control for 7 years... fast forward to today... she is in rehab for substance abuse... and the relapse was significantly worse than her first time. There is a lot of immoral behavior that is associate with active addiction... something I was simply not prepared for. Also, I found that I was enabling her to progress into a deeper state of addiction. Her job was also a major contributor.

If I knew now what I did then, I would not have moved forward the way I did. I would have done a lot of research on what living with a recovering and active addict was like. Long term relationships have a low success rate with addicts. Also, if you do not think like them, and even in a sober state, their thought process are very different than people without addiction (the disease as often referred to), their rationals can be baffling. The signs of a relapse are very subtle.. and by time you notice it, they are in full blown addition. It is very important that he is maintaining his program, and that will need to be his number 1 priority for the rest of his life.. so you will need to accept being second place. Addiction is like having a lover... it will consume a vast amount of his time if he wishes to remain sober.

As was previously said, do your research, attend AA meetings, and Al-Anon meetings. One thing I have learned from AA meetings is that the patterns of addiction are almost common to all addicts... listening to someone else speak was just as if it was my wife talking.

Loving a addict is very hard and can be very tiring... you must make sure that you are mentally/physically/emotionally prepared for what you are undertaking. I unfortunately was not, and that contributed to her fall.

T

glenl

I can't tell you what to do, but for myself I couldn't do it. I couldn't invest time and love and energy again into a person who might go off the rails - and of course I know that anyone can go off track in life, but an addict a couple of years sober to me is like a ticking time bomb in terms of a relationship. I know I would be waiting for things to go bad, and that wouldn't be fair to either of us.

biminiblue

I went on a first "date" with a guy I knew was in AA. That wasn't a dealbreaker - I thought they worked on their issues in AA, and it sure would have been nice to meet a guy who even admitted he HAD issues for once in my life.

Three hours in and he's being controlling, telling me what to do at every turn - he's telling me all kinds of weird things from his past. Five hours in he tells me he was in prison.

I never talked to him again. The whole day was spent reliving his mischievous past. I was pretty sure there were going to be way more stories that I had no interest in hearing. . . and I'm an alcoholic. NopeNopeNope.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with being friendly and spending time with new people - but I sure wasn't gonna do anything more than that, and he made it clear he wanted things to move quickly. That scares me.

Maudcat

Hi, Minasia.
Welcome to SR.
I would proceed cautiously.
Peace.

dandylion

Miniaia.....onother point that I think needs careful consideration....that is where you are in relation to possible childbearing. If you plan on having children in the future--I think one of the far reaching decisions a person ever makes is who they choose to become a parent for their child..(father or mother)....
There is always a chance that one could become a single parent...with the task of co-parenting with an alcoholic...or, without another parent, at all.
This is if a relapse would raise it's head.
At least, it is something to think of...
On this forum, some of the most difficult stories that one can read, are those who have children to deal with in an alcoholic marriage that has gone south.....

I hate sounding so negative...lol...
Relationships are very complicated..all relationships are, even ones that are successful and satisfying....
they cut to the heart of what makes us tick...and, eventually, everything that is there, bubbles to the surface....for all of us.
I heard someone, here on this forum say..."A relationship is like pouring gasoline on all of our character defects".....that is a strong way of putting it--but, my life experience shows me that this is true.....

Much food for thought.....

atalose

Dating someone’s potential is a receipt for disaster.

A lot of red flags, 3 big ones to be exact.

Then throw in some control issues and the all about me and my recovery factor and you are already starting out as a second or third in his life.

The best way to predict someone’s future is with their past. Every habit he’s ever had is still there in his body, lying dormant like flowers in the desert. Given the right conditions, all his old addictions would burst into full and luxuriant bloom.

No one can tell you too or not too invest your emotions and self into any relationship but a relationship with a recovering addict would be our specialty here. And I’m sure most would agree that a happily ever after future is seldom the outcome.

AnvilheadII

interesting isn't it.....he has been involved in recovery programs for two years, and yet when he decides to date someone, he picks a person completely naive to anything regarding addiction. plenty of nice women in the programs who already KNOW about addiction and recovery, and all the war stories, but he selects someone to whom he can "create" a narrative.

yes it's great he's in recovery. and yes it's great he was SO honest. kind of over the top "honest" tho eh? did you really need to know he flew all over the world to apologize to women he'd had sexual encounters with?

here's the thing......you don't know if ANY of it is TRUE. does he really have two years sober? has he really not dated anyone else? so far all you know is the story of HIM as he has told you.

in a couple of dates (i presume it's only been a few....?) you are calling it a relationship, are overwhelmed by his "honesty" and "integrity".

He literally has his phone always on for sponsees to call him and has meetings with them all through the night.

this is not just a RED FLAG but complete BS.

CentralOhioDad

I agree with the others, it just seems way too weird. There was nothing about that post that made me feel the warm fuzzies.

Having been entangled with 'just' an alcoholic for the past 6 years, personally I would never want to get involved with any sort of addict, especially a multi-addict. Not saying that people can't turn themselves around (they are excellent examples on this board of people doing just that), but that's not for me.

I would not hang your hat just on this guy - date around and see what else is out there.

Just my $0.02

ScaryTime

I have to agree, that I would personally take a pass on this “relationship”. As stated in previous responses you don’t owe him anything. And the controlling theme in your post recounting the narrative he gave you... no, just no.
In addition. AnvilheadII pointed out some red flags that I think are quietly screaming and shouldn’t be ignored.
Being married to an active and now recovering alcoholic I wouldn’t give it my time or energy.
There is a lot for you to think about, more than with just a new relationship. Life is hard enough I wouldn’t take this on if I were you.
Too many red flags here and I cringed and got nervous for you several times while reading you post.
Good luck and peace to you!

aliciagr

I feel he has shown such integrity that although I fully understand the risk which is very real, I feel his good qualities in light if his integrity and motivation are enough to out weigh the risk. Am I crazy to continue our relationship? I have no experience whatsoever with addiction either with friends or family. I feel he deserves for me to see him for who he is sober and not judge him for his past.

Here are some things I would ask myself

Do I know much about drug, alcohol and sex addiction? If not then I would do some research and this may take time . I would study medical/psychological info to help me learn. I would look for what the recommended treatment is for these types of problems?

**From what I know at this point, I would not proceed unless this man was working with a psychologist trained in this type of stuff. 3 addictions to me speaks to some serious underlying issues to say the least.

As a sex addict has he been fully tested for STD's?

Is his recovery program just another addiction?
What do I know about the program he is in?
Is he behaving normally or taking it to an extreme?

***Phone by the table when out on a date? Traveling around the world to apologize to women for his step work? How many meetings does he attend in a week, how much time overall is dedicated to all of this?

How much time does he really have for a relationship? And what type of partner would he really be? what type of father would he be if I want kids one day?

***My husband had some problems with drugs when he was in college which I was aware of. They went away but came back later after we were married. We just finished with a very rough time when he was drinking and using drugs. I had no experience with these types of problems and it was nearly impossible to future trip and imagine the devastation that addiction could cause. My sweet, supportive, loving husband who is smart, rational was gone. Replaced with someone I didnt like very much and who became physically violent when in full blown addiction. Its wasnt pretty to say the least.

I wont be hypocritical and tell you not to proceed because that is your choice. I have chosen to stay with my husband and overall we have a great life. Back when I was in college, if I had known what I know now.. if there were 2 men standing before me and I cared for them equally - I would choose the one who was the healthiest and the most problem free.