RollTide

Run like the wind! And I say this from a place of having been there, done that. My XAH disclosed that he was an alcoholic in recovery. I really didn't know what that meant. I was in for an education. It meant that my life would be holy living hell until I was completely no contact with him.

I'm sorry to give you such a visceral reaction but hopefully I can influence at least one person think twice before making the same mistake that I did.

At least take your time and don't rush in to anything. In time more will be revealed.

DontRemember

This is why I suggested making a thread here as well. Something about his being so 'open and honest' so soon just screams manipulation tactic to me. I was one hell of a manipulator when actively drinking myself. Obviously it's your choice,but I was actually wincing a bit yesterday when I first read it. Take care.

tomsteve

gonna add a little something on this:
He said he never dated for the two years since the recovery program does not allow any new relationships for 1 year.

If this is exactly what he said AND the 12 step recovery program is AA, then that is already a lie. there is absolutely nothing in AA that says a person cant start a new relationship for the first year. AA cannot and does not tell people what they are allowed to do.
the no new relationships for the first year came from rehabs. a good suggestion, but not a law or rule for AA or any other recovery program that im aware of.

glenl

I had to come back to this thread because I've been thinking about this on and off since I first read it.

Here's the thing, you can't know whether someone has "integrity" after 2 dates. You might have an impression of them, but you cannot know.

Please read this: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-illusion.html (The Love Illusion)

This guy could be great - but why are you so willing to assume after such a short time that he IS great/worth your time and energy?

I had coffee last week with a man I've "known" for 15 years (but haven't seen in almost as long) and walked away with far more questions than answers, and I think that's a good thing.

After two dates, I believe it's healthier to have more questions than answers and to be able and willing to admit that you don't know enough about the person yet to know if they are worth a long-term investment of time.

Mango blast

There is a big difference between taking advice from others and praying about it, being curious, seeing and listening to where God guides, listening and connecting to your inner voice.

The actions and results may be the same, yet strengthening our HEALTHY inner voice and learning how to trust that is a key part of all relationships... most importantly, the relationship with self. (((Hugs)))

I can relate to the OCDs. That you have been drawn to this person who is in early recovery can be a great opportunity for self-exploration, and Alanon is a fabulous resource for this. It doesn't matter what relationship brings a person into Alanon... if someone finds benefit there, more about why it fits well may become clear later. I have a good friend in Alanon who found great healing in the 12 steps, she found her voice there, was able to say she didn't quite know why she was there... she was warmly welcomed and eventually more dots started to connect with why her Higher Power brought her there.

There is a lot of great insight in this thread. Thank you for posting. This is a very helpful discussion.

aliciagr

No relationships for a year "suggestion" or "rule"

Ive seen this recommendation all over this site and forum. Often by AA and Alanon members and stated in various ways.

Its not a rule, and 12 step programs can only offer suggestions. I think they officially state to take what you want and leave the rest in terms of their programs.

However, in practical terms the program is made up of individuals, and if a person has a group or sponsor who "suggest" this, and then might add one of the slogans like "your best thinking is what got you here" implying maybe you should listen to someone other than yourself - then I think the man she is dating gets a pass on this particular comment. It may really be true that "dont date for a year and work on yourself is whats recommended by his AA friends, group, sponsor.

Trying to follow the "rule" might be considered a sign of his dedication to recovery ?

trailmix

Or blindly following a suggestion of another person? Or trying to look responsible? Grown up people may decide to follow guidelines, if it is suitable to them, I don't believe they should be following any rules, unless they have thought it through.

Now, the man may have been using short-hand but this jumped out as a big red flag when I read it.

"the recovery program does not allow any new relationships for 1 year"

If he had said that this is something HE decided, that's one thing, to fob it off on some nameless "program", that's another.

honeypig

tomsteve, I want to thank you for post #7 here. Holy cows, if I'd known you 20+ years ago, my life might have been very different. XAH was not anywhere near as over-the-top as this guy, but nevertheless, so much of what you said in that post rings absolutely true for me, too, when I think back to the early days.

Wow. Holy cows. Some real words of wisdom here, folks. Thanks.

Hangnbyathread

At some point, a past should be a past. If he is 2 years into this and doesn't seem to be wavering in his commitment to his lifestyle of now, I'd say its time to cut some slack to what was and look at what is.


Is there risk? Sure. As there is in any relationship you choose to participate in. If someone is honest from the first date, I see that as far better than discovering things at the 5th date. I think he is being forthcoming in allowing you to judge him from the start good or bad.

I dealt with 2 addictions with my ex. Alcohol and sex. But they both traveled the same roads. Deal with one and you can deal with 2.

I am not telling you what you should or should not feel comfortable with. We are all different in what we tolerate.

If someone told me they were a reformed child molester they hadn't done it in 20 years, I'd still not be OK with it. So its a personal thing to you what you can overlook or not.

I'd appreciate a guy like him over one that dosn't start with honesty and you learn the truth later on.

LostinLB

I started a relationship with a guy that was 4 years sober and it was fantastic....until it wasn't.

When we met he was working a really strong program and he had a great support system from that. I did not know nearly enough about addiction and alcoholism to truly understand what is would be like if he relapsed. He was honest about his past and mentioned it on our first date. As we got to know each other he revealed more and more about that time in his life and it was pretty shocking.
He seemed so far from that person I really didn't worry about it. It was 5 years into the relationship when I realized something was off. (He made it 9 years sober).

As someone else said the signs of relapse are very subtle and by the time you realize what is going on you are in it deep. I had not educated myself on addiction and did not know how bad it could get and how hard it would be for him to get sober again, I mean he had 9 years, he knows how to get and stay sober, but all of that was gone as soon as he started using.

There is no way I could do it again. Unfortunately you don't know what it is like until you go through it and it is FAR worse than you can imagine. I remember hearing stories and thinking my BF would NEVER do that. He would, he did. It was a living nightmare.

Our relationship didn't survive the relapse and all the pain I went through was not worth it even now that he is sober (for today). Now, having lived it, addictions of any kind are a deal-breaker for me.

You are going to do what you are going to do, but I hope you will keep all of our stories in mind if you chose to continue this relationship. The biggest thing is to educate yourself on what it is like to live with an addict/alcoholic. Don't go in blind like I did.

tomsteve

if you would have known me 20+ years ago,



id have more dents in my head.
i wasnt a very good person 20 years ago.
but thank you for the compliment.

aliciagr

I agree 100%. I always ask why? and measure things against my own beliefs, feelings, values and such. I personally dont think I could be in a marriage with someone who didnt do the same.

But I do know peer pressure is real and many people succumb to it. So I try not to judge too harshly.

biminiblue

The really insidious part of his monologe is/was, "I did as they told me. But you do as you want."

I mean, that is un-recovery at its finest, IMO.

1. He listened to and did what "they" said (about recovery in general and the 1 year thing.)
2. But for you, listen to your own inner wisdom (when he said, "Do what you want for your life.")

That is so confuzzling to me. It's like he is parroting what he's been told recovery and healthy relationships are, but he doesn't know it in his own soul.

Maybe he knows that if she asks friends, they'll say, "Run." and then he can work with that - "Well, listen to your own factors."

Divide and isolate.
ick. A sex addict knows exactly how to stalk their prey.

velma929

"Flying all over the world" to apologize to former lovers qualifies as humble-bragging, doesn't it?

FireSprite

It's called floodlighting.... seems like he's being super vulnerable but actually he's doing the opposite. It's subtle manipulation.

This kind of oversharing can create false intimacy - you dump all over someone rather than rolling that information out over time, after a person has "earned the right to hear it" (a period of building trust & respect). Emotional vomiting.

Improve Self Esteem, Remove Limiting BeliefsThe Vulnerability Armory - Part 2 - Choice Life Strategies
Floodlighting – This is when we blast someone with information that doesn’t necessarily fall in line with the level of connection you have with them. The intention of this kind of sharing often includes soothing one’s pain, testing the loyalty and tolerance in a relationship and/or hot-wiring a new connection (we’ve only known each other a short time but I’m going to share this and we will be BFF’s now). The response is usually the other person wincing, recoiling or shutting down. If you are on the receiving end, the encounter can leave you feeling exhausted. When someone uses vulnerability it is not the same as being vulnerable – it’s armor.

DontRemember

Wow..I'd heard of gaslighting, but never floodlighting.. That definition is exactly how I felt reading her story yesterday. Very uneasy, like 'this doesn't seem right'.

FireSprite

I think the fact that you didn't have an overwhelmed reaction speaks to the possibility that tomsteve brought up about how you might have some underlying codependency issues that you may want to consider.

A "normal" person would run from all of this, not spend time considering how to make it personally palatable - that's a classic, classic codependent reaction.

NYCDoglvr

As a recovering alcoholic, I advise proceeding with extreme caution. I personally wouldn't date anyone in recovery. In general, alcoholics are very bad a relationships and real change takes decades.

Refiner

Hi, and welcome Dani, you've come to the right place for advice to such a matter IMHO. What I've learned about addiction, I would always steer clear of a relationship with an addict whether in recovery or not. But that's just me and not meant to be advice to you. But him having SO MUCH addiction for different things, and being quite frankly over the top with his "recovery" efforts (makes me question whether he's on the up and up) makes me think he's now addicted to recovery. Like, he will always be addicted to something (maybe it will become exercise, or food, or YOU). Are you willing to sign up for that? The longer you go, the more you get sucked in and harder to part with someone in a relationship. All I can suggest is that you really educate yourself about addiction. And this forum is a really good start!

PuzzledHeart

I think you need to sincerely ask yourself if you would be capable of pulling the plug on the relationship if you start seeing warning signs. Do you think you are able, at this moment, to recognize the red flags for what they are? Or would you sweep them under the rug? Would you even be able to confront your potential partner with this? If you feel that you truly can't, I would just call it a day.

I dated someone who had a previous addiction. I wanted to be compassionate so I gave him a chance. I didn't want to be one of those judgmental b!7#es who dumped somebody just because they had problems in the past. Even met the family. But once I found out that he was asking one of his friends to prescribe Paxil and some other drug I don't even remember that was it and I pulled the plug. All I remember was the feeling of swirling guts telling me that staying with him was a very bad idea.

When I told him that asking friends for prescriptions wasn't the greatest strategy, he said, "You're being silly and everything is going to be OK, bunny."

Let's get one thing clear. NOBODY calls me bunny.