Early Recovery & Midlife Crisis
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 39
Early Recovery & Midlife Crisis
More crying and the roller coaster of depression, anger and renewed strength have been coming and going since my posts earlier this week. I still need and will continue to need support to get me through this, so thank you ahead of time.
Background, my RAH of 18 yrs had an affair in late 2017. During that time he cried on my shoulder (first time I’ve ever seen him cry) begging for forgiveness and vowing to finally address his years long functioning alcoholism. I felt like it was my job to hold my family together so I didn’t kick him out and the very next day he started AA.
Fast forward. After three weeks of what I would call a honeymoon phase between us, he suddenly decides that he cannot let go of his resentment towards me about some money mistakes I’ve made (nothing insurmountable) and that when we fight it compromises his sobriety. His sobriety is #1 and he needs to move out. He says he’s too attracted to me and cannot be around me for the sake of his sobriety.
So he literally has a moving company come a week later and takes everything out of our second story home and moves into his bachelor pad. Won’t talk to me unless it’s about money or our kids. Won’t even tell me the lease term he signed. He literally cut me out, overnight.
The grief has been indescribable. I finally got him to admit to me (over text!) that he doesn’t want to reconcile anymore, that at less than 60 days sober, he has decided he needs to start the next chapter in his life. My 18 yr marriage is over and I found out via text! And by the way, “he’s been spending a lot of time with a woman he met in AA, they haven’t slept together (yet. Another lie I’m sure) but there’s definately an attraction.”
Just wow. So, here I am again, home with our two kids while he’s out living his second adolescence. I’m good friends with his sponsors wife and she’s disgusted with his behavior and learned from her husband that my RAH who says he wants “peace and serenity” and is following the program, has already been warned to stop his new relationship in their AA group and that he said he would, another lie. I have no idea who this new girlfriend is but I’m guessing she’s younger than him and has the selfish gene in plenty supply as well.
So besides complaining on here, I would like to know if anyone has any input as to why he’s completely lost his mind? Did I mention he also stopped taking his anti depressants cold turkey and has intermittently raged at me in between declarations of making daily amends to people and God blessing me via text messages. Lost. His. Mind.
Never mind me. This has been very, very hard on my 11 and 9 yr olds. Their dad has suddenly turned into Disney dad. Only spends a few hours a weekend with them and when he calls every night he’s like “hey guys! I’m so happy now, how was your day?” He still hasn’t spoken to them about our marital situation. Even takes them to his new apartment one evening and rents “Daddy’s Home”. They don’t feel comfortable to even ask him what’s going on.
So I’m thinking that he’s obviously having a mid life crisis combined with new sobriety and possibly sex addiction. Is his crazy ex alcoholic brain now trading one addiction for another? Will he ever be back to normal? He lacks empathy or the gravity of his behavior. It’s all so tragic. I dont Want to be with a man who’s moral compass is so broken but I still love the man he used to be. Heartbroken.
Background, my RAH of 18 yrs had an affair in late 2017. During that time he cried on my shoulder (first time I’ve ever seen him cry) begging for forgiveness and vowing to finally address his years long functioning alcoholism. I felt like it was my job to hold my family together so I didn’t kick him out and the very next day he started AA.
Fast forward. After three weeks of what I would call a honeymoon phase between us, he suddenly decides that he cannot let go of his resentment towards me about some money mistakes I’ve made (nothing insurmountable) and that when we fight it compromises his sobriety. His sobriety is #1 and he needs to move out. He says he’s too attracted to me and cannot be around me for the sake of his sobriety.
So he literally has a moving company come a week later and takes everything out of our second story home and moves into his bachelor pad. Won’t talk to me unless it’s about money or our kids. Won’t even tell me the lease term he signed. He literally cut me out, overnight.
The grief has been indescribable. I finally got him to admit to me (over text!) that he doesn’t want to reconcile anymore, that at less than 60 days sober, he has decided he needs to start the next chapter in his life. My 18 yr marriage is over and I found out via text! And by the way, “he’s been spending a lot of time with a woman he met in AA, they haven’t slept together (yet. Another lie I’m sure) but there’s definately an attraction.”
Just wow. So, here I am again, home with our two kids while he’s out living his second adolescence. I’m good friends with his sponsors wife and she’s disgusted with his behavior and learned from her husband that my RAH who says he wants “peace and serenity” and is following the program, has already been warned to stop his new relationship in their AA group and that he said he would, another lie. I have no idea who this new girlfriend is but I’m guessing she’s younger than him and has the selfish gene in plenty supply as well.
So besides complaining on here, I would like to know if anyone has any input as to why he’s completely lost his mind? Did I mention he also stopped taking his anti depressants cold turkey and has intermittently raged at me in between declarations of making daily amends to people and God blessing me via text messages. Lost. His. Mind.
Never mind me. This has been very, very hard on my 11 and 9 yr olds. Their dad has suddenly turned into Disney dad. Only spends a few hours a weekend with them and when he calls every night he’s like “hey guys! I’m so happy now, how was your day?” He still hasn’t spoken to them about our marital situation. Even takes them to his new apartment one evening and rents “Daddy’s Home”. They don’t feel comfortable to even ask him what’s going on.
So I’m thinking that he’s obviously having a mid life crisis combined with new sobriety and possibly sex addiction. Is his crazy ex alcoholic brain now trading one addiction for another? Will he ever be back to normal? He lacks empathy or the gravity of his behavior. It’s all so tragic. I dont Want to be with a man who’s moral compass is so broken but I still love the man he used to be. Heartbroken.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Giving up alcohol makes you face up to life without your go-to relief, so he's going through all sorts of mental turmoil anyway. Add the highly charged emotional content of AA meetings and interaction with fellow addicts who truly understand.
I don't think he needs to be having a mid-life crisis, or sex addiction as sobriety can be traumatic enough. That doesn't make it any more bearable for you.
What you've been through is brutal and life-changing so give yourself time and try not to expect too much in the early months. I have seen many posters go through this over the years, and they have all gradually recovered as the pain faded.
If you haven't already thought about it, legal advice is essential as early as you can. It doesn't mean instant divorce, but now he's (probably) sleeping with another woman you'll be shocked about how quickly he'll detach and money will become important. Get in while he still has some feelings of guilt.
I hope you can arrange counselling for you and the boys to get you through the next few months.
I don't think he needs to be having a mid-life crisis, or sex addiction as sobriety can be traumatic enough. That doesn't make it any more bearable for you.
What you've been through is brutal and life-changing so give yourself time and try not to expect too much in the early months. I have seen many posters go through this over the years, and they have all gradually recovered as the pain faded.
If you haven't already thought about it, legal advice is essential as early as you can. It doesn't mean instant divorce, but now he's (probably) sleeping with another woman you'll be shocked about how quickly he'll detach and money will become important. Get in while he still has some feelings of guilt.
I hope you can arrange counselling for you and the boys to get you through the next few months.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Oh, JewelStar, I wish I had answers for you. I am so sorry you and your children are dealing with this.
I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but the best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and your kids, regardless of whatever he's doing. Counseling all around, maybe. It's clear that for right now, he simply cannot be depended upon. And for all anyone knows, this might be his new normal.
I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but the best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and your kids, regardless of whatever he's doing. Counseling all around, maybe. It's clear that for right now, he simply cannot be depended upon. And for all anyone knows, this might be his new normal.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He literally cut me out, overnight.
i suspect that for HIM it was NOT an overnight decision. that instead the wheels had been turning for some time.
he may have admitted to an affair in late 2017......but it's likely it went on longer than that. or with more than a single partner. usually when an addict "admits" to something, they are only revealing enough to minimize the reality.
then upon his revelation and apparent remorse, he sticks around about 3 weeks and then boom, he's got an apartment and a moving truck. and surprise, there IS another woman! and off he goes......
i think i'd be speaking with a lawyer ASAP, so that i have the power of knowledge and information on my side, so that i don't get further blindsided. you have a home and children to protect from his whims and deceit. i'd put nothing passed him. his actions clearly demonstrate his priorities.
i suspect that for HIM it was NOT an overnight decision. that instead the wheels had been turning for some time.
he may have admitted to an affair in late 2017......but it's likely it went on longer than that. or with more than a single partner. usually when an addict "admits" to something, they are only revealing enough to minimize the reality.
then upon his revelation and apparent remorse, he sticks around about 3 weeks and then boom, he's got an apartment and a moving truck. and surprise, there IS another woman! and off he goes......
i think i'd be speaking with a lawyer ASAP, so that i have the power of knowledge and information on my side, so that i don't get further blindsided. you have a home and children to protect from his whims and deceit. i'd put nothing passed him. his actions clearly demonstrate his priorities.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 39
Thanks for the feedback. I have spoken to an attorney and based on what she’s told me I am following her direction. I am being nice to him, even when I got the break up text. Telling him thanks for his honesty and I wish him well in his next chapter. I’m watching my spending as not to poke the bear either. So far it is working as he hasn’t changed any financial behavior towards me.
I know my rights but I also know the realities. I’ve got some money put aside and I am trying to pursue a new career.
My grief and shock by his behavior is so difficult to process. I literally don’t know who he is anymore, at all. Wish me luck, I have to see him in a few hours when he comes to pick up our kids for the day. Ugh.
When he told me about the first affair he actually said (he was still in active addiction) that he was having a midlife crisis and if I hadn’t spent so much money on my home business he would have just bought a sports car. Such a jerk.
I know my rights but I also know the realities. I’ve got some money put aside and I am trying to pursue a new career.
My grief and shock by his behavior is so difficult to process. I literally don’t know who he is anymore, at all. Wish me luck, I have to see him in a few hours when he comes to pick up our kids for the day. Ugh.
When he told me about the first affair he actually said (he was still in active addiction) that he was having a midlife crisis and if I hadn’t spent so much money on my home business he would have just bought a sports car. Such a jerk.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I just wanted to lend my support.
Trying to figure out why he is doing what he is doing will only drive you crazy. I know it's hard but try not waste your energy on trying to understanding the inexplicable. I tried to make sense of what my XAH did and said, both when we were still together and after we broke up, and it only caused me more heartache and anxiety. I wish there were answers that made sense to us grieving spouses of an addicts but there just aren't... at least not the kind we want. Alcoholics are selfish beyond measure.
It sounds like you have made good headway in looking after YOU. Good! Keep it up, focus on your own best interests and that of your children, things will start to get better.
hugs
Trying to figure out why he is doing what he is doing will only drive you crazy. I know it's hard but try not waste your energy on trying to understanding the inexplicable. I tried to make sense of what my XAH did and said, both when we were still together and after we broke up, and it only caused me more heartache and anxiety. I wish there were answers that made sense to us grieving spouses of an addicts but there just aren't... at least not the kind we want. Alcoholics are selfish beyond measure.
It sounds like you have made good headway in looking after YOU. Good! Keep it up, focus on your own best interests and that of your children, things will start to get better.
hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Jewelstar.
I say this a lot on his site, but time and distance will bring clarity.
Fwiw, the fact that he still wants to be in the kids’ lives may (or may not) get him off the total dirtbag list.
We’ll see.
Take care of yourself, put your kids and you FIRST, and let him go his way.
Hurts, yeah, but, this, for the moment, is your new normal.
Have you thought about what you will do if he wants to reconcile?
Seems unlikely, sure, but he wouldn’t be the first addict to want to run back to the familiar when the new life starts showing cracks.
I say this a lot on his site, but time and distance will bring clarity.
Fwiw, the fact that he still wants to be in the kids’ lives may (or may not) get him off the total dirtbag list.
We’ll see.
Take care of yourself, put your kids and you FIRST, and let him go his way.
Hurts, yeah, but, this, for the moment, is your new normal.
Have you thought about what you will do if he wants to reconcile?
Seems unlikely, sure, but he wouldn’t be the first addict to want to run back to the familiar when the new life starts showing cracks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 39
Maudcat - Yes, you are so right. Time will bring clarity. I’m actually trying to go on a few dates. Not rushing into a relationship at all, but I would love to be taken out for dinner and treated special for a change. It’s been so long. Seeing how other men treat women might bring me clarity sooner than later.
Honestly, it wouldn’t totally surprise me if he doesn’t come crawling back eventually but the reality is I dont know how I could ever trust again. My kids deserve stability as well. Ugh. Time will tell.
Honestly, it wouldn’t totally surprise me if he doesn’t come crawling back eventually but the reality is I dont know how I could ever trust again. My kids deserve stability as well. Ugh. Time will tell.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
and you can't think of another way to distract yourself? or find other healthy activities??
you stated being absolutely grief stricken and blindsided by your H's actions. unsure of how you feel or what to do.
meanwhile, you are trying to go out on a few dates with other men. all just seems a bit quick, eh?
you stated being absolutely grief stricken and blindsided by your H's actions. unsure of how you feel or what to do.
meanwhile, you are trying to go out on a few dates with other men. all just seems a bit quick, eh?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
Posts: 128
Just wanted to say I think you are handling this well and you should be proud of yourself.
He sounds like a big drama queen like so many A' s
Try not to get too caught up in it.
Go on those dates girl
Good for you X
He sounds like a big drama queen like so many A' s
Try not to get too caught up in it.
Go on those dates girl
Good for you X
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 37
This is a long one -
I have a similar story. I was with my ex for 11 years, he left me for someone in AA. It was kind of the same thing in that it came out of nowhere, a couple weeks before he had been so excited about us working through everything even though it would be hard and that we would come out better and stronger together, etc. Then he met someone else, didn't want to be with me any more and was moving on with his life. I was a risk to his sobriety, not the alcoholic/addict he was now seeing, obviously that was completely safe. I can still feel the pain of that moment deep inside me. I was devastated, that doesn't even come close to describing what I felt actually.
I thought I would NEVER feel ok again. I thought I was going to drown in my tears. The pain was so unbearable and placed on top of all the pain I had been stuffing down while his addiction got out of control. I was like a walking volcano of intense emotions and I had no control over when or who I would erupt on anymore. I was in a deep depression, but I made it through. I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel and there were days my biggest accomplishment was getting out of bed and moving to the couch. We didn't have children so I was able to kind of sit in that pain and really try to work through it. The pain was so intense, heavy, and unmovable I decided to make major changes to myself.
This all happened this past July and today I feel good, at peace, and excited about the next phase of my life (kinda scared as well). I'll share with you what worked for me and maybe some of it can help you as well.
I went back to therapy and I was lucky enough to be in a position I could pay for as much as I needed by cutting other expenses, like eating out. My therapist is an addiction specialist and helped walk me through the darkest days. I was going 2x a week but would sometimes end up doing 2-3 hours for a session (like I said I was in a very dark place). I highly recommend having a therapist help you process all of this, if you can afford to go 1 hour a week - do it. I cut a lot of other expenses out in order to have the funds for therapy because I knew I couldn't get myself through it alone. I also realized when I had a therapy appt I would feel so much better and that I needed it like everyday - so that is when I dove into Al-Anon and that changed my life. I would share a lot of the time, but often I didn't and would just listen, but I would leave there feeling so good. I live in an area where there are meetings everyday at most times, so I went almost every single day for 2 months. Then I cut back to 4-5x a week. Now I am just a couple times a week. It was just getting my ass out of the house and to the meeting that was significant, I would hear something that someone shared that really helped me that day. If you can't afford a lot of therapy please use those meetings. I think it is so easy to just stay in your own head obsessing over the situation but that is a dangerous place to live.
I started listening to what people talked about that helped them. It was usually praying to their Higher Power. This one was weird for me but I just did it because I was desperate for anything to make me feel better. So I started to pray every morning. I never was raised religious and I don't really believe in God but I do believe in the power of the universe and so I prayed every day for healing in my heart and for the pain to be taken away and eventually I started to feel better. Then I started to journal ANY time I started to get lost in my mind thinking about him, his new gf, what he did, what he must have been doing, etc. I just started to write all my thoughts out, if I did that I would actually be able to get them out of my head at least for awhile. I wrote it all down and one day I might actually go back and read them, but it is way too soon for that.
I also had already started an exercise routine and workout at the gym 4 days a week, so I just stuck with it, I showed up everyday I usually did and I worked out hard. Just being in a room with other people was helpful.
The last part I will share with you is that my ex and I, after all this happened ended up going no-contact on his request. All my crazy emotions were interfering with his new relationship. So it was exactly like he walked out of my life and barricaded the door shut. He left one life and just started a new one without ever looking back. It was so shocking that someone you loved and that had loved you could even do that. We were no contact for 4 months or so, I had even emailed him a couple of times asking about some stuff to do with our house and he would not respond. That hurt me so deeply, but I grew strong because of it. I made changes to myself and am and will be a better person because of all of this.
I believe he left our relationship because he could not face all of the damage he had done to it. I know he did not just stop loving me, but it was too much for him to face. It was going to take far more work to fix us than for him to find someone new who didn't know that side of him. He has since stopped seeing that girl and is trying to focus on himself.
We speak a little bit, text some of the time, and are on friendlier terms. That comes from us both actually doing real recovery work on ourselves and seeing where that takes us.
If he came to me today and said I am ready to fix it all, you are who I want to be with and made some big romantic gesture, blah blah, I would not be willing to do that at this time, I don't know if I ever would be. Maybe one day we can both be together again if that is what is meant to be, but I don't hold onto that notion. I'm not even sure I could do it again if it became an option, he had 9 years sobriety and working a program previously (the first half of our relationship was during that time) and that is a huge accomplishment, but he can go back to using at any time again even if he had 15 years, 20 years, it is never safe and behind us, it is always lurking around the corner and I don't know that I could take that risk.
I guess I am saying all of this in this long post, that I know what you are going through and how you are feeling. Those are some things that work for me. The rejection, disengagement, and coldness you are feeling from him I understand it. I PROMISE you, you will get through it. It is not easy but you will feel better one day. I swear it took me about 4 months to actually start to feel better most days but once that took hold I have been feeling better and better each day. You have a lot of pain to process. My therapist says it is like layers, you work through a bunch of things and are starting to feel better and then all of sudden those things are back and it feels like you are not making progress at all, but you have just uncovered a new layer of the pain and you are still moving forward and getting better even if it feels like you are backsliding.
I hope this helps you in some way.
xoxo
I thought I would NEVER feel ok again. I thought I was going to drown in my tears. The pain was so unbearable and placed on top of all the pain I had been stuffing down while his addiction got out of control. I was like a walking volcano of intense emotions and I had no control over when or who I would erupt on anymore. I was in a deep depression, but I made it through. I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel and there were days my biggest accomplishment was getting out of bed and moving to the couch. We didn't have children so I was able to kind of sit in that pain and really try to work through it. The pain was so intense, heavy, and unmovable I decided to make major changes to myself.
This all happened this past July and today I feel good, at peace, and excited about the next phase of my life (kinda scared as well). I'll share with you what worked for me and maybe some of it can help you as well.
I went back to therapy and I was lucky enough to be in a position I could pay for as much as I needed by cutting other expenses, like eating out. My therapist is an addiction specialist and helped walk me through the darkest days. I was going 2x a week but would sometimes end up doing 2-3 hours for a session (like I said I was in a very dark place). I highly recommend having a therapist help you process all of this, if you can afford to go 1 hour a week - do it. I cut a lot of other expenses out in order to have the funds for therapy because I knew I couldn't get myself through it alone. I also realized when I had a therapy appt I would feel so much better and that I needed it like everyday - so that is when I dove into Al-Anon and that changed my life. I would share a lot of the time, but often I didn't and would just listen, but I would leave there feeling so good. I live in an area where there are meetings everyday at most times, so I went almost every single day for 2 months. Then I cut back to 4-5x a week. Now I am just a couple times a week. It was just getting my ass out of the house and to the meeting that was significant, I would hear something that someone shared that really helped me that day. If you can't afford a lot of therapy please use those meetings. I think it is so easy to just stay in your own head obsessing over the situation but that is a dangerous place to live.
I started listening to what people talked about that helped them. It was usually praying to their Higher Power. This one was weird for me but I just did it because I was desperate for anything to make me feel better. So I started to pray every morning. I never was raised religious and I don't really believe in God but I do believe in the power of the universe and so I prayed every day for healing in my heart and for the pain to be taken away and eventually I started to feel better. Then I started to journal ANY time I started to get lost in my mind thinking about him, his new gf, what he did, what he must have been doing, etc. I just started to write all my thoughts out, if I did that I would actually be able to get them out of my head at least for awhile. I wrote it all down and one day I might actually go back and read them, but it is way too soon for that.
I also had already started an exercise routine and workout at the gym 4 days a week, so I just stuck with it, I showed up everyday I usually did and I worked out hard. Just being in a room with other people was helpful.
The last part I will share with you is that my ex and I, after all this happened ended up going no-contact on his request. All my crazy emotions were interfering with his new relationship. So it was exactly like he walked out of my life and barricaded the door shut. He left one life and just started a new one without ever looking back. It was so shocking that someone you loved and that had loved you could even do that. We were no contact for 4 months or so, I had even emailed him a couple of times asking about some stuff to do with our house and he would not respond. That hurt me so deeply, but I grew strong because of it. I made changes to myself and am and will be a better person because of all of this.
I believe he left our relationship because he could not face all of the damage he had done to it. I know he did not just stop loving me, but it was too much for him to face. It was going to take far more work to fix us than for him to find someone new who didn't know that side of him. He has since stopped seeing that girl and is trying to focus on himself.
We speak a little bit, text some of the time, and are on friendlier terms. That comes from us both actually doing real recovery work on ourselves and seeing where that takes us.
If he came to me today and said I am ready to fix it all, you are who I want to be with and made some big romantic gesture, blah blah, I would not be willing to do that at this time, I don't know if I ever would be. Maybe one day we can both be together again if that is what is meant to be, but I don't hold onto that notion. I'm not even sure I could do it again if it became an option, he had 9 years sobriety and working a program previously (the first half of our relationship was during that time) and that is a huge accomplishment, but he can go back to using at any time again even if he had 15 years, 20 years, it is never safe and behind us, it is always lurking around the corner and I don't know that I could take that risk.
I guess I am saying all of this in this long post, that I know what you are going through and how you are feeling. Those are some things that work for me. The rejection, disengagement, and coldness you are feeling from him I understand it. I PROMISE you, you will get through it. It is not easy but you will feel better one day. I swear it took me about 4 months to actually start to feel better most days but once that took hold I have been feeling better and better each day. You have a lot of pain to process. My therapist says it is like layers, you work through a bunch of things and are starting to feel better and then all of sudden those things are back and it feels like you are not making progress at all, but you have just uncovered a new layer of the pain and you are still moving forward and getting better even if it feels like you are backsliding.
I hope this helps you in some way.
xoxo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Jewel - just wanted to let you know you will feel better!
As for the dates - whatever helps - I have found that spending time on my own or with girlfriends was much more beneficial.
To me dinners can be completely light and non-committal - if it helps your self esteem - why not IMO. Not like you are going to marry the guy.
My story was somewhat similar - two years past breakup, I feel like XAHs revealing his real self is the best gift the universe could have given me. I am happier, son is happier - XAH sounds as miserable as ever....
That is what alcoholics do. Him telling you about AA woman smells of narcissism and triangulation. Think about it - seeing your pain is very rewarding to him - otherwise why would he share this information. It’s all about him! His struggles! His recovery! His affairs and love interests. Very typical. And there is nothing you did or did not do to cause it, and nothing you could do to change it.
XAH does exactly the same thing - telling me about many people that really appreciate him - I just respond that I am glad he is doing well and there are supportive people around him, I don’t want to get dragged into his drama. 80% of the time I don’t pick up the phone - no interest in talking to him.
Just go no contact and ignore his texts etc. keep communication strictly to the kids. Keep it structured. He made his choices and made it clear.
Sorry you are hurting - but it will get much better 😊
As for the dates - whatever helps - I have found that spending time on my own or with girlfriends was much more beneficial.
To me dinners can be completely light and non-committal - if it helps your self esteem - why not IMO. Not like you are going to marry the guy.
My story was somewhat similar - two years past breakup, I feel like XAHs revealing his real self is the best gift the universe could have given me. I am happier, son is happier - XAH sounds as miserable as ever....
That is what alcoholics do. Him telling you about AA woman smells of narcissism and triangulation. Think about it - seeing your pain is very rewarding to him - otherwise why would he share this information. It’s all about him! His struggles! His recovery! His affairs and love interests. Very typical. And there is nothing you did or did not do to cause it, and nothing you could do to change it.
XAH does exactly the same thing - telling me about many people that really appreciate him - I just respond that I am glad he is doing well and there are supportive people around him, I don’t want to get dragged into his drama. 80% of the time I don’t pick up the phone - no interest in talking to him.
Just go no contact and ignore his texts etc. keep communication strictly to the kids. Keep it structured. He made his choices and made it clear.
Sorry you are hurting - but it will get much better 😊
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jewelstar....it seems that he is flying pretty high, now. Those who fly so high can come down really hard. The relationships that start in early recovery...and, with others in recovery groups almost always implode. "Two sickies don't make one wellie".
Likely, they are both "high" on the hormones of early attraction. Hormones are as powerful as any drug that has been discovered. There are several of them that are released at one time--Dopamine/Oxytocin/Seratonin are the main ones. The brain is flooded and bonding occurs and BAM--the rose colored glasses come on. The whole world looks great....for a while......
What this does, for the early recovering alcoholic, is to act as the new drug to help them feel better and cope with emotions,,,,which their alcohol used to do.
It also, serves as a big distraction from the hard work and difficult emotions that one faces in early recovery.....
Maudcat brings up an important point, I think---that many alcoholics will show up on the doorstep, again....quite hangdog, and offering statements of sorrow
and loving sentiments....often the very things that the rejected one has been longing to hear. In these situations, the one who has been kicked to the curb, may actually lap this up like a kitten with a saucer of milk.
Please beware...just know that this could happen....so, it is good to know all this and be prepared....
I think that the best preparation is to continue to learn and work on yourself like your life depends on it......
As you pass through this necessary grieving stage...and,work on yourself, you will begin to feel better and become stronger....
I think that socializing is good...but, also, be aware of the very dangerous rebound or transitional relationship, yourself...as those can be very dangerous, for you , also.....
Those hormones of early attraction are respecters of no person....lol.....
Likely, they are both "high" on the hormones of early attraction. Hormones are as powerful as any drug that has been discovered. There are several of them that are released at one time--Dopamine/Oxytocin/Seratonin are the main ones. The brain is flooded and bonding occurs and BAM--the rose colored glasses come on. The whole world looks great....for a while......
What this does, for the early recovering alcoholic, is to act as the new drug to help them feel better and cope with emotions,,,,which their alcohol used to do.
It also, serves as a big distraction from the hard work and difficult emotions that one faces in early recovery.....
Maudcat brings up an important point, I think---that many alcoholics will show up on the doorstep, again....quite hangdog, and offering statements of sorrow
and loving sentiments....often the very things that the rejected one has been longing to hear. In these situations, the one who has been kicked to the curb, may actually lap this up like a kitten with a saucer of milk.
Please beware...just know that this could happen....so, it is good to know all this and be prepared....
I think that the best preparation is to continue to learn and work on yourself like your life depends on it......
As you pass through this necessary grieving stage...and,work on yourself, you will begin to feel better and become stronger....
I think that socializing is good...but, also, be aware of the very dangerous rebound or transitional relationship, yourself...as those can be very dangerous, for you , also.....
Those hormones of early attraction are respecters of no person....lol.....
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Jewelstar....it seems that he is flying pretty high, now. Those who fly so high can come down really hard. The relationships that start in early recovery...and, with others in recovery groups almost always implode. "Two sickies don't make one wellie".
Likely, they are both "high" on the hormones of early attraction. Hormones are as powerful as any drug that has been discovered. There are several of them that are released at one time--Dopamine/Oxytocin/Seratonin are the main ones. The brain is flooded and bonding occurs and BAM--the rose colored glasses come on. The whole world looks great....for a while......
What this does, for the early recovering alcoholic, is to act as the new drug to help them feel better and cope with emotions,,,,which their alcohol used to do.
It also, serves as a big distraction from the hard work and difficult emotions that one faces in early..
Likely, they are both "high" on the hormones of early attraction. Hormones are as powerful as any drug that has been discovered. There are several of them that are released at one time--Dopamine/Oxytocin/Seratonin are the main ones. The brain is flooded and bonding occurs and BAM--the rose colored glasses come on. The whole world looks great....for a while......
What this does, for the early recovering alcoholic, is to act as the new drug to help them feel better and cope with emotions,,,,which their alcohol used to do.
It also, serves as a big distraction from the hard work and difficult emotions that one faces in early..
He came to get the kids today and thankfully his energy was upbeat, probably from the high of his girlfriend staying over the night before. 😏 The minute I opened the door he says “you look great, I can see you’ve been working out, keep up the good work.” I just smiled and said thank you. But it was in that moment I realized he’s still trying to keep one foot in the door with me in case he tires of his new girlfriend. Nothing like being second choice! Lol I’m wise to his game now and despite the grief I felt early this morning I have more clarity now. I dont EVER want to go back to the life I had with him again. I’ll be ok and more importantly I’ll make sure my kids are ok.
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Originally Posted by Nata1980
Jewel - just wanted to let you know you will feel better!
As for the dates - whatever helps - I have found that spending time on my own or with girlfriends was much more beneficial.
To me dinners can be completely light and non-committal - if it helps your self esteem - why not IMO. Not like you are going to marry the guy.
My story was somewhat similar - two years past breakup, I feel like XAHs revealing his real self is the best gift the universe could have given me. I am happier, son is happier - XAH sounds as miserable as ever....
That is what alcoholics do. Him telling you about AA woman smells of narcissism and triangulation. Think about it - seeing your pain is very rewarding to him - otherwise why would he share this information. It’s all about him! His struggles! His recovery! His affairs and love interests. Very typical. And there is nothing you did or did not do to cause it, and nothing you could do to change it.
As for the dates - whatever helps - I have found that spending time on my own or with girlfriends was much more beneficial.
To me dinners can be completely light and non-committal - if it helps your self esteem - why not IMO. Not like you are going to marry the guy.
My story was somewhat similar - two years past breakup, I feel like XAHs revealing his real self is the best gift the universe could have given me. I am happier, son is happier - XAH sounds as miserable as ever....
That is what alcoholics do. Him telling you about AA woman smells of narcissism and triangulation. Think about it - seeing your pain is very rewarding to him - otherwise why would he share this information. It’s all about him! His struggles! His recovery! His affairs and love interests. Very typical. And there is nothing you did or did not do to cause it, and nothing you could do to change it.
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[QUOTE=LostinLB;6763015]I have a similar story. I was with my ex for 11 years, he left me for someone in AA. It was kind of the same thing in that it came out of nowhere, a couple weeks before he had been so excited about us working through everything even though it would be hard and that we would come out better and stronger together, etc. Then he met someone else, didn't want to be with me any more and was moving on with his life. I was a risk to his sobriety, not the alcoholic/addict he was now seeing, obviously that was completely safe. I can still feel the pain of that moment deep inside me. I was devastated, that doesn't even come close to describing what I felt actually.
Lostinlb - I can Relate to so much of what you said unfortunately. I’m sorry you’ve been through that hell as well. I dont know how they sleep at night.
I have been journaling and it has helped tremendously. My therapist loves me so much she’s seeing me pro-bono since the RAH is watching my spending like a hawk just waiting for me to make him mad. It’s weird how the night is when it hits the worse. During the day I’m ok. Then at night the racing thoughts start coming in. Where is he? What are “they” doing? But when my head steps in I remember I dont deserve any of this treatment and I should be lucky he’s not my problem anymore. Thanks for your post 😘
Lostinlb - I can Relate to so much of what you said unfortunately. I’m sorry you’ve been through that hell as well. I dont know how they sleep at night.
I have been journaling and it has helped tremendously. My therapist loves me so much she’s seeing me pro-bono since the RAH is watching my spending like a hawk just waiting for me to make him mad. It’s weird how the night is when it hits the worse. During the day I’m ok. Then at night the racing thoughts start coming in. Where is he? What are “they” doing? But when my head steps in I remember I dont deserve any of this treatment and I should be lucky he’s not my problem anymore. Thanks for your post 😘
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Jewelstar----don't you just looove his generosity and concern over your workouts...a real humanitarian....
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