Nata1980

Yep. Same here - listen and support and being continuously blamed for not listening and not supporting enough (I never got any answer when I asked what would he like for my support to look like). Still blamed for not listening, which is when I like to remind him that it’s no longer my circus and he should share with those fine folks “who understand”.

I wish that I could cut all the contact - but we have a son together.

Jewelstar

I laughed out loud at the “circus” and people “who understand” comment. So, so true! The minute he started with AA it was non stop me me me talk and before he was even 30 days sober he was talking about becoming a sponsor. I know AA is a wonderful program for so many, my best friend is a recovering alcoholic and is active there, however, some narcissistic types are drawn to the ego feed of the non stop self assessment.

Before admitting his alcoholism he dove hard core into a little church we went too. Non stop volunteering, gave them 6k in one year without asking my opinion. When he got frustrated with the pastor (who we were friends with) for not following his advice, he ended up quitting. Then his alcoholism went into high gear and then the first affair. Guess once he didn’t get his ego fed at church he needed it fed somewhere else. Jerks.

kayleezen

Hi Jewelstar,
Thank you posting this, it helped. This exact story is why I've forced myself into No Contact with my AB. He is newly sober and acting completely erratic. This happened before and I was blind-sighted, I am never going through that again.
I just decided to protect myself before something like this happened.
I am safer to stay completely away.
It is very hard though because he keeps texting. I had to sleep every day this week until it was time to get my son just to cope.
He can't seem to reassure me about anything and I am just seeing too many signs from before when he got some time sober and went completely off the deep end.
Thank you for reminding me, today has been an especially difficult day.
Hugs
Kayleezen

Jewelstar

Hi, I’m so glad this post helped you a bit. They can literally drive us crazy with their self absorbed antics. It’s not normal. I started This morning feeling weak and frustrated but as the day went on and I began Reading everyone’s replies I realized that I was not alone, neither are you.

ScaryTime

Jewelstar, no you are not alone! There is so much knowledge and caring on this site it is almost an addiction itself! 😊
I am so sorry you are going through this!
Keep focusing on you and your truth and it will get better, I promise.
My AH has been sober for a little over two months and every day he is sober he acts like I should put on a parade for his success...
We go to marriage counseling about every 5 weeks and the counselor tells him exactly what I tell him but somehow it is only believable when it comes from the counselor. And AH says he doesn’t want the marriage to end.
I have seen nothing in the meantime that he really wants to make it work other than that he is still manipulative and needs to know where I’m going and who with all the time. And things have changed exactly how?
I think it is over for me but also know him and am almost bracing myself to see him meet someone and pull the same stunts your AH has done. I know he is capable of it...
Good luck and stay true to you!

Jewelstar

Thank you for your message. I hope your AH doesn’t pull the same stunt as mine. From what I’m reading on these forums this type of behavior is normal early in recovery. Trading one addiction for another. It’s a good reminder for me not to take things personally, I could be Heidi Klume and he still would have cheated. Lol

Last night I went out with friends and flirted a bit. It was fun and for the first time in weeks I went to bed without crying. Life will go on without all my RAHs drama, mood swings and cheating to deal with. As long as I can figure finances out I’ll be so much better off. Have a great day

dandylion

JewelStar.....you make a good point. Did you ever wonder about ALL...so many of the beyond georgous, wealthy, talented, smart stars that are repeatedly cheated on?
Halie Barry is a good example of this....I think every man she has been with, has cheated....
I am often amused when I see glamerous stars being interviewed by the media. They can go on and on about how they finally have everything all together....how they and their partner are in such a good place".....then, shortly afterward, we hear that they have split....along with the well-crafted "official" statement (by their lawyers)...about how they love each other to pieces but that their only goal is to co-parent their children in a loving way...
I am pretty sure, that if we were a fly on the wall for their relationship...that the real story would would curl our hair ...(in most of the cases).....lol.....
***If we see anyone redoing their vows, in that group....it is definitely headed for the rocks!

do I sound a little cynical?

Jewelstar

Ha! It’s hard NOT to be cynical. Everything you said was so spot on as usual. Funny thing is when my AH started his recovery and begged for forgiveness he said he wanted to renew our vows. That should have been my sign! 🤣

I cant believe the fresh perspective I have now. It’s night and day from my earlier, tearful posts. Knowing that I’m still attractive to other men has helped pick my self esteem off the floor. Not that I need someone to validate me, but after being in the back seat of my marriage for 18 years it’s a reminder that there’s other fish in the sea, fish who aren’t cheating alcoholics. Lol My attitude now if to focus on me. Eat well, exercise, pursue a new career and most importantly show my two kids that they have at least one stable parent they can look up too. Have a great day!

CentralOhioDad

I'm with Anvil on this one. One day being overwhelmed with indescribable grief, then the next day talking about going out on a date. I understand that after being with him for 18 years in those circumstances was not pleasant, looking for outside validation for your self-esteem isn't exactly the best way to feel good about who you are.

A 'date' and 'going out to dinner with a friend' are two different things in my opinion. Unless they've changed the definition of a date in the last 13.5 years that I've been married. To me, going out on a date, while still married, would still be considered cheating.

COD