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Old 01-27-2018, 03:29 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Jewelstar View Post
Nata1980 - Iím sorry youíve gone through a similar situation but appreciate your assessment. Everything you wrote sounds right on. Heís a total narcissistic drama queen. Always has been but for the last 18 yrs I thought It was my wifely duty to support, listen and encourage all to get very little of that in return. I hope God humbles. him one day
Yep. Same here - listen and support and being continuously blamed for not listening and not supporting enough (I never got any answer when I asked what would he like for my support to look like). Still blamed for not listening, which is when I like to remind him that itís no longer my circus and he should share with those fine folks ďwho understandĒ.

I wish that I could cut all the contact - but we have a son together.
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Old 01-27-2018, 03:39 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Yep. Same here - listen and support and being continuously blamed for not listening and not supporting enough (I never got any answer when I asked what would he like for my support to look like). Still blamed for not listening, which is when I like to remind him that itís no longer my circus and he should share with those fine folks ďwho understandĒ.

I wish that I could cut all the contact - but we have a son together.
I laughed out loud at the ďcircusĒ and people ďwho understandĒ comment. So, so true! The minute he started with AA it was non stop me me me talk and before he was even 30 days sober he was talking about becoming a sponsor. I know AA is a wonderful program for so many, my best friend is a recovering alcoholic and is active there, however, some narcissistic types are drawn to the ego feed of the non stop self assessment.

Before admitting his alcoholism he dove hard core into a little church we went too. Non stop volunteering, gave them 6k in one year without asking my opinion. When he got frustrated with the pastor (who we were friends with) for not following his advice, he ended up quitting. Then his alcoholism went into high gear and then the first affair. Guess once he didnít get his ego fed at church he needed it fed somewhere else. Jerks.
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Old 01-27-2018, 04:03 PM   #23 (permalink)
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A very important reminder

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The grief has been indescribable. I finally got him to admit to me (over text!) that he doesnít want to reconcile anymore, that at less than 60 days sober, he has decided he needs to start the next chapter in his life. My 18 yr marriage is over and I found out via text! And by the way, ďheís been spending a lot of time with a woman he met in AA, they havenít slept together (yet. Another lie Iím sure) but thereís definately an attraction.Ē
Hi Jewelstar,
Thank you posting this, it helped. This exact story is why I've forced myself into No Contact with my AB. He is newly sober and acting completely erratic. This happened before and I was blind-sighted, I am never going through that again.
I just decided to protect myself before something like this happened.
I am safer to stay completely away.
It is very hard though because he keeps texting. I had to sleep every day this week until it was time to get my son just to cope.
He can't seem to reassure me about anything and I am just seeing too many signs from before when he got some time sober and went completely off the deep end.
Thank you for reminding me, today has been an especially difficult day.
Hugs
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Old 01-27-2018, 04:10 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Hi Jewelstar,
Thank you posting this, it helped. This exact story is why I've forced myself into No Contact with my AB. He is newly sober and acting completely erratic. This happened before and I was blind-sighted, I am never going through that again.
I just decided to protect myself before something like this happened.
I am safer to stay completely away.
It is very hard though because he keeps texting. I had to sleep every day this week until it was time to get my son just to cope.
He can't seem to reassure me about anything and I am just seeing too many signs from before when he got some time sober and went completely off the deep end.
Thank you for reminding me, today has been an especially difficult day.
Hugs
Kayleezen
Hi, Iím so glad this post helped you a bit. They can literally drive us crazy with their self absorbed antics. Itís not normal. I started This morning feeling weak and frustrated but as the day went on and I began Reading everyoneís replies I realized that I was not alone, neither are you.
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Old 01-27-2018, 06:40 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Hi, Iím so glad this post helped you a bit. They can literally drive us crazy with their self absorbed antics. Itís not normal. I started This morning feeling weak and frustrated but as the day went on and I began Reading everyoneís replies I realized that I was not alone, neither are you.
Jewelstar, no you are not alone! There is so much knowledge and caring on this site it is almost an addiction itself! 😊
I am so sorry you are going through this!
Keep focusing on you and your truth and it will get better, I promise.
My AH has been sober for a little over two months and every day he is sober he acts like I should put on a parade for his success...
We go to marriage counseling about every 5 weeks and the counselor tells him exactly what I tell him but somehow it is only believable when it comes from the counselor. And AH says he doesnít want the marriage to end.
I have seen nothing in the meantime that he really wants to make it work other than that he is still manipulative and needs to know where Iím going and who with all the time. And things have changed exactly how?
I think it is over for me but also know him and am almost bracing myself to see him meet someone and pull the same stunts your AH has done. I know he is capable of it...
Good luck and stay true to you!
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Old 01-28-2018, 08:16 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Jewelstar, no you are not alone! There is so much knowledge and caring on this site it is almost an addiction itself! 😊
I am so sorry you are going through this!
Keep focusing on you and your truth and it will get better, I promise.
My AH has been sober for a little over two months and every day he is sober he acts like I should put on a parade for his success...
We go to marriage counseling about every 5 weeks and the counselor tells him exactly what I tell him but somehow it is only believable when it comes from the counselor. And AH says he doesnít want the marriage to end.
I have seen nothing in the meantime that he really wants to make it work other than that he is still manipulative and needs to know where Iím going and who with all the time. And things have changed exactly how?
I think it is over for me but also know him and am almost bracing myself to see him meet someone and pull the same stunts your AH has done. I know he is capable of it...
Good luck and stay true to you!
Thank you for your message. I hope your AH doesnít pull the same stunt as mine. From what Iím reading on these forums this type of behavior is normal early in recovery. Trading one addiction for another. Itís a good reminder for me not to take things personally, I could be Heidi Klume and he still would have cheated. Lol

Last night I went out with friends and flirted a bit. It was fun and for the first time in weeks I went to bed without crying. Life will go on without all my RAHs drama, mood swings and cheating to deal with. As long as I can figure finances out Iíll be so much better off. Have a great day
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Old 01-28-2018, 01:08 PM   #27 (permalink)
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JewelStar.....you make a good point. Did you ever wonder about ALL...so many of the beyond georgous, wealthy, talented, smart stars that are repeatedly cheated on?
Halie Barry is a good example of this....I think every man she has been with, has cheated....
I am often amused when I see glamerous stars being interviewed by the media. They can go on and on about how they finally have everything all together....how they and their partner are in such a good place".....then, shortly afterward, we hear that they have split....along with the well-crafted "official" statement (by their lawyers)...about how they love each other to pieces but that their only goal is to co-parent their children in a loving way...
I am pretty sure, that if we were a fly on the wall for their relationship...that the real story would would curl our hair ...(in most of the cases).....lol.....
***If we see anyone redoing their vows, in that group....it is definitely headed for the rocks!

do I sound a little cynical?
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Old 01-28-2018, 01:30 PM   #28 (permalink)
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JewelStar.....you make a good point. Did you ever wonder about ALL...so many of the beyond georgous, wealthy, talented, smart stars that are repeatedly cheated on?

***If we see anyone redoing their vows, in that group....it is definitely headed for the rocks!

do I sound a little cynical?
Ha! Itís hard NOT to be cynical. Everything you said was so spot on as usual. Funny thing is when my AH started his recovery and begged for forgiveness he said he wanted to renew our vows. That should have been my sign! 🤣

I cant believe the fresh perspective I have now. Itís night and day from my earlier, tearful posts. Knowing that Iím still attractive to other men has helped pick my self esteem off the floor. Not that I need someone to validate me, but after being in the back seat of my marriage for 18 years itís a reminder that thereís other fish in the sea, fish who arenít cheating alcoholics. Lol My attitude now if to focus on me. Eat well, exercise, pursue a new career and most importantly show my two kids that they have at least one stable parent they can look up too. Have a great day!
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Old 01-29-2018, 06:06 AM   #29 (permalink)
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and you can't think of another way to distract yourself? or find other healthy activities??

you stated being absolutely grief stricken and blindsided by your H's actions. unsure of how you feel or what to do.

meanwhile, you are trying to go out on a few dates with other men. all just seems a bit quick, eh?
I'm with Anvil on this one. One day being overwhelmed with indescribable grief, then the next day talking about going out on a date. I understand that after being with him for 18 years in those circumstances was not pleasant, looking for outside validation for your self-esteem isn't exactly the best way to feel good about who you are.

A 'date' and 'going out to dinner with a friend' are two different things in my opinion. Unless they've changed the definition of a date in the last 13.5 years that I've been married. To me, going out on a date, while still married, would still be considered cheating.

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