Infidelity: How to be strong when my alcoholic wife cheated and hid it for 14 months?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
Yesterday was a great day for me and my wife. We were able to discuss many core issues (without animosity, rage, or sadness), and I heard something that I really needed to hear: that she had (and still does) experience gut-wrenching shame every morning, resulting from the two sexual infidelities, every single day during 2017.
I guess the masculine side of me wants to feel validated rage that she HAD to have felt intimacy and sexual satisfaction from these encounters, but in my heart, I know that is not true. I've had sex with her when she's almost blackout drunk, and she's not there. She's just a shell. She would never put herself in a situation with a strange man in his car, that could lead to a possible sexual assault of her own volition. The alcohol warped her mind in ways I'll never know, because I am not an alcoholic.
Still, it's painful to be aware of the consequences of what one single drink could lead to, especially when you didn't see it coming, and not wanting to look at your wife as a ticking time-bomb, but as someone who is genuinely trying to fight back, because she's aware of the damage that alcohol can do to us.
And yet, I'm aware of my own short-comings as her partner. She had been going to Women for Sobriety meetings every Thursday of 2017, and I never even bothered to ask her where she was going. Every day and every night of 2017, she read many sobriety books. I never asked or engaged her with her struggles, and I had checked out of the many responsibilities of being her husband. We just moved to LA, and she is making an effort to go to AA meetings, and if possible, I try to walk her to these meetings and meet her afterward for coffee/tea.
Hence, while I am absolutely grounded in the reality that I did NOT deserve any of this and that my flaws are NOT the grounds for my wife's infidelity, it's because my wife feels deep shame and humiliation from the experiences (not brushing them off or making light of them), that make me more inclined to move forward with her. Yes, it will be quite difficult to trust her when she goes on business trips, or if she goes out with friends at night, but if I think of all of these inevitabilities every minute of every day, I will just stay paralyzed in the present, and in the present, she is there with me, fighting her demons, and encouraging me to fight alongside her.
Yesterday was really good (great conversation, great reconciliation, mind-blowing sex, movie night). This morning wasn't so great (we had a moment of intimacy, and I got in my head, seeing another man in my place, and wondering what other men have done with this body that had promised ONLY for me). I just want these terrible visuals to go away, bc each time they get more graphic... and while it's still shameful to know that it happened, I have to admire that she told me about it. It's a reality that I'm aware of, and one that could've stayed hidden forever.
Hence, if I can help really motivate/encourage her in her battle against alcohol, while she obviously does the majority of the heavy-lifting, I think we can work through this. Tomorrow, we're seeing a counselor, and I'm going to ask tough questions about the deep-rooted issues that caused her to need alcohol, more questions regarding WHY she chose the men she did (at this point, I don't think she made any choice. She was just drunk and these men, like most single men, were vultures that took advantage of her in her intoxication), while expressing my fears and hopes in moving forward.
And all the while, I'll train to be a stronger person, physically, emotionally, financially, and artistically, so that I can be able to cope with any tough decision of separation, should she prove me wrong.
This was a wake-up call and I have woken up. I love my wife, but I will never be a cuckold ever again.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. This forum is by far more encouraging that Al-Anon has been for me, thus far.
I guess the masculine side of me wants to feel validated rage that she HAD to have felt intimacy and sexual satisfaction from these encounters, but in my heart, I know that is not true. I've had sex with her when she's almost blackout drunk, and she's not there. She's just a shell. She would never put herself in a situation with a strange man in his car, that could lead to a possible sexual assault of her own volition. The alcohol warped her mind in ways I'll never know, because I am not an alcoholic.
Still, it's painful to be aware of the consequences of what one single drink could lead to, especially when you didn't see it coming, and not wanting to look at your wife as a ticking time-bomb, but as someone who is genuinely trying to fight back, because she's aware of the damage that alcohol can do to us.
And yet, I'm aware of my own short-comings as her partner. She had been going to Women for Sobriety meetings every Thursday of 2017, and I never even bothered to ask her where she was going. Every day and every night of 2017, she read many sobriety books. I never asked or engaged her with her struggles, and I had checked out of the many responsibilities of being her husband. We just moved to LA, and she is making an effort to go to AA meetings, and if possible, I try to walk her to these meetings and meet her afterward for coffee/tea.
Hence, while I am absolutely grounded in the reality that I did NOT deserve any of this and that my flaws are NOT the grounds for my wife's infidelity, it's because my wife feels deep shame and humiliation from the experiences (not brushing them off or making light of them), that make me more inclined to move forward with her. Yes, it will be quite difficult to trust her when she goes on business trips, or if she goes out with friends at night, but if I think of all of these inevitabilities every minute of every day, I will just stay paralyzed in the present, and in the present, she is there with me, fighting her demons, and encouraging me to fight alongside her.
Yesterday was really good (great conversation, great reconciliation, mind-blowing sex, movie night). This morning wasn't so great (we had a moment of intimacy, and I got in my head, seeing another man in my place, and wondering what other men have done with this body that had promised ONLY for me). I just want these terrible visuals to go away, bc each time they get more graphic... and while it's still shameful to know that it happened, I have to admire that she told me about it. It's a reality that I'm aware of, and one that could've stayed hidden forever.
Hence, if I can help really motivate/encourage her in her battle against alcohol, while she obviously does the majority of the heavy-lifting, I think we can work through this. Tomorrow, we're seeing a counselor, and I'm going to ask tough questions about the deep-rooted issues that caused her to need alcohol, more questions regarding WHY she chose the men she did (at this point, I don't think she made any choice. She was just drunk and these men, like most single men, were vultures that took advantage of her in her intoxication), while expressing my fears and hopes in moving forward.
And all the while, I'll train to be a stronger person, physically, emotionally, financially, and artistically, so that I can be able to cope with any tough decision of separation, should she prove me wrong.
This was a wake-up call and I have woken up. I love my wife, but I will never be a cuckold ever again.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. This forum is by far more encouraging that Al-Anon has been for me, thus far.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Wcabs
I wish you all the best. I'll call this intermission. I'm not a woman basher by any means as my 2nd current wife is AWESOME! I will say that you will be learning a lot about her and yourself.
One thing I was so confused about was thinking I was so much at fault and a contributed to affairs and drinking. After all, it take two to keep a marriage going.. I must have failed over and over. Reality was sure I failed in some areas and excelled in others. That still was no excuse for her affairs and drinking. Often it was purposeful and almost never accidental. You see I've lived that same book and finished it.
There are couples who do make it, but the majority do not. Keep an open mind to whatever life brings. I bet, like myself you will never have guessed the chapters left and the end. Your story is too much like mine, 2 kids and 15 years of marriage though.
AG
I wish you all the best. I'll call this intermission. I'm not a woman basher by any means as my 2nd current wife is AWESOME! I will say that you will be learning a lot about her and yourself.
One thing I was so confused about was thinking I was so much at fault and a contributed to affairs and drinking. After all, it take two to keep a marriage going.. I must have failed over and over. Reality was sure I failed in some areas and excelled in others. That still was no excuse for her affairs and drinking. Often it was purposeful and almost never accidental. You see I've lived that same book and finished it.
There are couples who do make it, but the majority do not. Keep an open mind to whatever life brings. I bet, like myself you will never have guessed the chapters left and the end. Your story is too much like mine, 2 kids and 15 years of marriage though.
AG
Originally Posted by Wcabs 
Yesterday was a great day for me and my wife. We were able to discuss many core issues (without animosity, rage, or sadness), and I heard something that I really needed to hear: that she had (and still does) experience gut-wrenching shame every morning, resulting from the two sexual infidelities, every single day during 2017.
I guess the masculine side of me wants to feel validated rage that she HAD to have felt intimacy and sexual satisfaction from these encounters, but in my heart, I know that is not true. I've had sex with her when she's almost blackout drunk, and she's not there. She's just a shell. She would never put herself in a situation with a strange man in his car, that could lead to a possible sexual assault of her own volition. The alcohol warped her mind in ways I'll never know, because I am not an alcoholic.
Still, it's painful to be aware of the consequences of what one single drink could lead to, especially when you didn't see it coming, and not wanting to look at your wife as a ticking time-bomb, but as someone who is genuinely trying to fight back, because she's aware of the damage that alcohol can do to us.
And yet, I'm aware of my own short-comings as her partner. She had been going to Women for Sobriety meetings every Thursday of 2017, and I never even bothered to ask her where she was going. Every day and every night of 2017, she read many sobriety books. I never asked or engaged her with her struggles, and I had checked out of the many responsibilities of being her husband. We just moved to LA, and she is making an effort to go to AA meetings, and if possible, I try to walk her to these meetings and meet her afterward for coffee/tea.
Hence, while I am absolutely grounded in the reality that I did NOT deserve any of this and that my flaws are NOT the grounds for my wife's infidelity, it's because my wife feels deep shame and humiliation from the experiences (not brushing them off or making light of them), that make me more inclined to move forward with her. Yes, it will be quite difficult to trust her when she goes on business trips, or if she goes out with friends at night, but if I think of all of these inevitabilities every minute of every day, I will just stay paralyzed in the present, and in the present, she is there with me, fighting her demons, and encouraging me to fight alongside her.
Yesterday was really good (great conversation, great reconciliation, mind-blowing sex, movie night). This morning wasn't so great (we had a moment of intimacy, and I got in my head, seeing another man in my place, and wondering what other men have done with this body that had promised ONLY for me). I just want these terrible visuals to go away, bc each time they get more graphic... and while it's still shameful to know that it happened, I have to admire that she told me about it. It's a reality that I'm aware of, and one that could've stayed hidden forever.
Hence, if I can help really motivate/encourage her in her battle against alcohol, while she obviously does the majority of the heavy-lifting, I think we can work through this. Tomorrow, we're seeing a counselor, and I'm going to ask tough questions about the deep-rooted issues that caused her to need alcohol, more questions regarding WHY she chose the men she did (at this point, I don't think she made any choice. She was just drunk and these men, like most single men, were vultures that took advantage of her in her intoxication), while expressing my fears and hopes in moving forward.
And all the while, I'll train to be a stronger person, physically, emotionally, financially, and artistically, so that I can be able to cope with any tough decision of separation, should she prove me wrong.
This was a wake-up call and I have woken up. I love my wife, but I will never be a cuckold ever again.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. This forum is by far more encouraging that Al-Anon has been for me, thus far.
I guess the masculine side of me wants to feel validated rage that she HAD to have felt intimacy and sexual satisfaction from these encounters, but in my heart, I know that is not true. I've had sex with her when she's almost blackout drunk, and she's not there. She's just a shell. She would never put herself in a situation with a strange man in his car, that could lead to a possible sexual assault of her own volition. The alcohol warped her mind in ways I'll never know, because I am not an alcoholic.
Still, it's painful to be aware of the consequences of what one single drink could lead to, especially when you didn't see it coming, and not wanting to look at your wife as a ticking time-bomb, but as someone who is genuinely trying to fight back, because she's aware of the damage that alcohol can do to us.
And yet, I'm aware of my own short-comings as her partner. She had been going to Women for Sobriety meetings every Thursday of 2017, and I never even bothered to ask her where she was going. Every day and every night of 2017, she read many sobriety books. I never asked or engaged her with her struggles, and I had checked out of the many responsibilities of being her husband. We just moved to LA, and she is making an effort to go to AA meetings, and if possible, I try to walk her to these meetings and meet her afterward for coffee/tea.
Hence, while I am absolutely grounded in the reality that I did NOT deserve any of this and that my flaws are NOT the grounds for my wife's infidelity, it's because my wife feels deep shame and humiliation from the experiences (not brushing them off or making light of them), that make me more inclined to move forward with her. Yes, it will be quite difficult to trust her when she goes on business trips, or if she goes out with friends at night, but if I think of all of these inevitabilities every minute of every day, I will just stay paralyzed in the present, and in the present, she is there with me, fighting her demons, and encouraging me to fight alongside her.
Yesterday was really good (great conversation, great reconciliation, mind-blowing sex, movie night). This morning wasn't so great (we had a moment of intimacy, and I got in my head, seeing another man in my place, and wondering what other men have done with this body that had promised ONLY for me). I just want these terrible visuals to go away, bc each time they get more graphic... and while it's still shameful to know that it happened, I have to admire that she told me about it. It's a reality that I'm aware of, and one that could've stayed hidden forever.
Hence, if I can help really motivate/encourage her in her battle against alcohol, while she obviously does the majority of the heavy-lifting, I think we can work through this. Tomorrow, we're seeing a counselor, and I'm going to ask tough questions about the deep-rooted issues that caused her to need alcohol, more questions regarding WHY she chose the men she did (at this point, I don't think she made any choice. She was just drunk and these men, like most single men, were vultures that took advantage of her in her intoxication), while expressing my fears and hopes in moving forward.
And all the while, I'll train to be a stronger person, physically, emotionally, financially, and artistically, so that I can be able to cope with any tough decision of separation, should she prove me wrong.
This was a wake-up call and I have woken up. I love my wife, but I will never be a cuckold ever again.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. This forum is by far more encouraging that Al-Anon has been for me, thus far.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,002
Heya Wcabs, it certainly looks like your wife is headed in the right direction. I so so hope you two make it.
The more you stick to your side of the street in this process the better. Read, learn, post and take care of yourself. No doubt more will be revealed about yourself, the relationship and your wife.
The more you stick to your side of the street in this process the better. Read, learn, post and take care of yourself. No doubt more will be revealed about yourself, the relationship and your wife.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by Wcabs
Yesterday was a great day for me and my wife. We were able to discuss many core issues (without animosity, rage, or sadness), and I heard something that I really needed to hear: that she had (and still does) experience gut-wrenching shame every morning, resulting from the two sexual infidelities, every single day during 2017.
I guess the masculine side of me wants to feel validated rage that she HAD to have felt intimacy and sexual satisfaction from these encounters, but in my heart, I know that is not true. I've had sex with her when she's almost blackout drunk, and she's not there. She's just a shell. She would never put herself in a situation with a strange man in his car, that could lead to a possible sexual assault of her own volition. The alcohol warped her mind in ways I'll never know, because I am not an alcoholic.
Still, it's painful to be aware of the consequences of what one single drink could lead to, especially when you didn't see it coming, and not wanting to look at your wife as a ticking time-bomb, but as someone who is genuinely trying to fight back, because she's aware of the damage that alcohol can do to us.
And yet, I'm aware of my own short-comings as her partner. She had been going to Women for Sobriety meetings every Thursday of 2017, and I never even bothered to ask her where she was going. Every day and every night of 2017, she read many sobriety books. I never asked or engaged her with her struggles, and I had checked out of the many responsibilities of being her husband. We just moved to LA, and she is making an effort to go to AA meetings, and if possible, I try to walk her to these meetings and meet her afterward for coffee/tea.
Hence, while I am absolutely grounded in the reality that I did NOT deserve any of this and that my flaws are NOT the grounds for my wife's infidelity, it's because my wife feels deep shame and humiliation from the experiences (not brushing them off or making light of them), that make me more inclined to move forward with her. Yes, it will be quite difficult to trust her when she goes on business trips, or if she goes out with friends at night, but if I think of all of these inevitabilities every minute of every day, I will just stay paralyzed in the present, and in the present, she is there with me, fighting her demons, and encouraging me to fight alongside her.
Yesterday was really good (great conversation, great reconciliation, mind-blowing sex, movie night). This morning wasn't so great (we had a moment of intimacy, and I got in my head, seeing another man in my place, and wondering what other men have done with this body that had promised ONLY for me). I just want these terrible visuals to go away, bc each time they get more graphic... and while it's still shameful to know that it happened, I have to admire that she told me about it. It's a reality that I'm aware of, and one that could've stayed hidden forever.
Hence, if I can help really motivate/encourage her in her battle against alcohol, while she obviously does the majority of the heavy-lifting, I think we can work through this. Tomorrow, we're seeing a counselor, and I'm going to ask tough questions about the deep-rooted issues that caused her to need alcohol, more questions regarding WHY she chose the men she did (at this point, I don't think she made any choice. She was just drunk and these men, like most single men, were vultures that took advantage of her in her intoxication), while expressing my fears and hopes in moving forward.
And all the while, I'll train to be a stronger person, physically, emotionally, financially, and artistically, so that I can be able to cope with any tough decision of separation, should she prove me wrong.
This was a wake-up call and I have woken up. I love my wife, but I will never be a cuckold ever again.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. This forum is by far more encouraging that Al-Anon has been for me, thus far.
I guess the masculine side of me wants to feel validated rage that she HAD to have felt intimacy and sexual satisfaction from these encounters, but in my heart, I know that is not true. I've had sex with her when she's almost blackout drunk, and she's not there. She's just a shell. She would never put herself in a situation with a strange man in his car, that could lead to a possible sexual assault of her own volition. The alcohol warped her mind in ways I'll never know, because I am not an alcoholic.
Still, it's painful to be aware of the consequences of what one single drink could lead to, especially when you didn't see it coming, and not wanting to look at your wife as a ticking time-bomb, but as someone who is genuinely trying to fight back, because she's aware of the damage that alcohol can do to us.
And yet, I'm aware of my own short-comings as her partner. She had been going to Women for Sobriety meetings every Thursday of 2017, and I never even bothered to ask her where she was going. Every day and every night of 2017, she read many sobriety books. I never asked or engaged her with her struggles, and I had checked out of the many responsibilities of being her husband. We just moved to LA, and she is making an effort to go to AA meetings, and if possible, I try to walk her to these meetings and meet her afterward for coffee/tea.
Hence, while I am absolutely grounded in the reality that I did NOT deserve any of this and that my flaws are NOT the grounds for my wife's infidelity, it's because my wife feels deep shame and humiliation from the experiences (not brushing them off or making light of them), that make me more inclined to move forward with her. Yes, it will be quite difficult to trust her when she goes on business trips, or if she goes out with friends at night, but if I think of all of these inevitabilities every minute of every day, I will just stay paralyzed in the present, and in the present, she is there with me, fighting her demons, and encouraging me to fight alongside her.
Yesterday was really good (great conversation, great reconciliation, mind-blowing sex, movie night). This morning wasn't so great (we had a moment of intimacy, and I got in my head, seeing another man in my place, and wondering what other men have done with this body that had promised ONLY for me). I just want these terrible visuals to go away, bc each time they get more graphic... and while it's still shameful to know that it happened, I have to admire that she told me about it. It's a reality that I'm aware of, and one that could've stayed hidden forever.
Hence, if I can help really motivate/encourage her in her battle against alcohol, while she obviously does the majority of the heavy-lifting, I think we can work through this. Tomorrow, we're seeing a counselor, and I'm going to ask tough questions about the deep-rooted issues that caused her to need alcohol, more questions regarding WHY she chose the men she did (at this point, I don't think she made any choice. She was just drunk and these men, like most single men, were vultures that took advantage of her in her intoxication), while expressing my fears and hopes in moving forward.
And all the while, I'll train to be a stronger person, physically, emotionally, financially, and artistically, so that I can be able to cope with any tough decision of separation, should she prove me wrong.
This was a wake-up call and I have woken up. I love my wife, but I will never be a cuckold ever again.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. This forum is by far more encouraging that Al-Anon has been for me, thus far.
I feel there are reasons why people turn to substances. There are also reasons why people are unfaithful in a marriage or relationship.
My husband for example has a lot of underlying issues and substances were a way to cope, escape, tolerate. And then it became a physical addiction. He was rarely completely clear minded when he was drinking and using drugs. During this whole period of time all of those inner demons left him feeling insecure, angry, hurt, less than. A host of emotions. What I learned in therapy is many people cheat to try and fix themselves, or to feel normal. People who dont know them, whats going on in their life. There is often no relationship just the act itself and someone saying basically your great, I want you. It can be like what a person gets from a substance. Its more complex and I may not have explained it correctly but hopefully when you are in therapy or marriage counseling some of this will be explained by a pro. Some people cheat because they dont value monogamy in a relationship, they will lie to partners and hope they just dont get caught. That is just the type of person they are. Id say most dont feel remorse? I also think some people cheat knowingly because they want out of a marriage but cant pull the trigger to leave. They may convince themselves they are stuck and rationalize their behavior? I think some of these people feel remorse and some dont. Part of that I think has to do with core values, and to what degree they care about their marriage partner. Ever heard, the marriage was over a long time ago
I also think with women especially, a drunken woman can easily be taken advantage of, lured in to situations. I saw it happen in college at parties and things like that can change a life forever.
With the cheating I can tell you that it hurt and made me question my own role as a partner both sexually, emotionally. To me it looks like you are beginning to do this too. Its not a bad thing really because it can open doors to self examination and discovery.
Take care of yourself and utilize the resources you have at your disposal. These things take time to unfold.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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Originally Posted by Wcabs
Yesterday was a great day for me and my wife. We were able to discuss many core issues (without animosity, rage, or sadness), and I heard something that I really needed to hear: that she had (and still does) experience gut-wrenching shame every morning, resulting from the two sexual infidelities, every single day during 2017.
I think you deserve a better partner.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I will just throw in that if you go to counseling, make sure it is with someone who specializes in helping families with addiction. If not, it's a waste. They need to know how the addiction affects YOU, as this is a part of what you are going through, even though your focus is on the infidelity.
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