Wheelsup

Hi Wcabs.

I am sorry you are going through this. It is truly awful to have to go through the pain of infidelity from the person who is supposed to always have your back. My AH cheated on me twice (that I know of) over a period of 4-5 years. This was a few years ago now.

I never got over it. I kept waiting to get over it. I figured if I just did X then Y would happen. (Logical, right?) I mean I absolutely buried everything in how I felt, thinking I was doing the right thing and he would someday see all that I've done to make things work. HA! A few months ago, I finally realized. I. Have. Had. Enough. I'm not seeing the behavior changes that was promised; not at all. And, for someone who promised things would be different, things had actually gotten worse. I can't make him do what should be done.

And, I finally realized that with his alcoholism there's zero way he'll ever be emotionally capable of doing what needs to be done. So, I rocked the boat. Hard. We're currently separated and I'm going to see where this goes. Mostly, it is headed towards the big D, albeit slowly.

A few things:

- Losing weight is common and it is known as the 'infidelity diet.' Be sure to take care of yourself; drink lots of water, eat as healthy as you can.

- If your wife has blamed the infidelity on the alcohol, then she has a lot of self-reflection to do. She cheated; this means she has extremely poor boundaries. That doesn't magically disappear when sober.

- What is she doing to make you feel safe? She's leaving for Mexico ... has she shared a plan with you on what actions she is going to take to make you feel safe? Why do you have to do all the calling and checking up on her?

- You are not to blame for her infidelity. Your line ... 'even if I improve my flaws.' Huh? You didn't cheat. Your so-called flaws are not to blame for her cheating. Repeat: You are not to blame for her infidelity.

I really am sorry that you are going through this; I really know and understand the stress it puts on you. I wish you the best as you work your way through this.

wheelsup

SparkleKitty

We have a saying around here, "Don't go to the hardware store for bread."

It is natural to want the person who hurt you to be the one to heal you, but in truth, the only person who can heal you is you. Looking to her to make it better will keep you stuck in this cycle. She cannot change what she did. She will always have done this thing that hurt you. A counselor can help you work through your feelings about it in a way that does not need to take her feelings and wants into account, and that is what you need right now.

velma929

I have a few observations from being around lots longer than you.

I have a different take on this. I think confession may be good for the soul, but better to confess to your spiritual counselor, doctor, or therapist. If she had come home one day, and said, "Honey, I've been taking you and our relationship for granted. I'm an alcoholic. I want to change these things and make our marriage and life all it can be." You'd be troubled by her alcoholism, you could have asked about infidelity, or not, as YOU saw fit. I view confessions like this as tools to make the cheater feel better, and remove apprehension that the spouse may find out some other way. I don't view them as marriage building moments. If STDs are a possible issue, I guess you have to tell, though.

It isn't as if she carried on an affair for 14 months, so I don't see this as living a lie. She didn't fall in love with somebody else. She didn't make plans to meet again. She wasn't taking time away from you, going to work early, coming home late, fabricating errands that facilitated liaisons. She screwed up. Alcohol may have been a factor, or not. Plenty of tea-totalers cheat.

I'm sorry for what brought you here. For some couples, it isn't a deal breaker. I know a couple of couples: one man I know flirts shamelessly, and has been linked to a couple of not-well-disguised affairs. His wife's attitude is "He always comes home to me. " He does, too. Married over 40 years. They go to church on Sundays. I know another couple in which they had agreed to have an open marriage. The husband came to me one day crying and drunk. While he had had occasional dalliances, his wife had, more or less, taken on another romantic partner. He was devastated. That was not what they agreed to. That was 35 years ago. They're still married, too, for over 50 years. Happily, it looks like, at least on Facebook. Your mileage may vary, it may be a deal breaker for you. I would suggest you get your own counselor to help you work through your thoughts.

Again, I'm so sorry. I don't mean to minimize at all the breaking of your marriage vows and how devastating it is.

PuzzledHeart

I know people in open marriages, but the ones that work are ones where 1) they agree on boundaries BEFORE they seek other people 2) Spouse A meets the Spouse B's potential partner before a sexual connection is made. Honestly, I'm so dizzy with all the time management involved I'm afraid that _I'm_ not organized enough to have an open marriage.

I was listening to a Dear Prudence podcast and the host complained about the number of letter writers who wrote "My marriage sucks. Maybe an open marriage can save it?" as opposed to "My spouse and I get along great and we were thinking an open marriage would be fun. How would we go about that?" At the time of the podcast, there were zero letter writers with the latter attitude.

The point I'm trying to make here is that one person cannot unilaterally decide that the marriage is now open. Open marriages that work are ones where boundaries are actually THERE. What your wife did is still a betrayal of trust, and it sounds to me that she wouldn't know a boundary if it was staring at her straight in the face.

I would suspect that the dalliance isn't the major issue - it's the fourteen months of lying to your face that really sealed the deal. What Wheelsup said is so true - the fact that she isn't trying to make you feel safe right now is a big red flag to me. Is she looking for another job that doesn't require that much travel? Just how much is SHE willing to save the marriage? You can't do the all the heavy lifting yourself.

4thegirls

I became an alcoholic in response to my alcoholic husband cheating on me and making it clear he was unhappy being married. We went to probably thirty counselors, individual and family therapy. He did several failed rehabs. etc etc etc i ended up having affairs because I felt so loved but didn't want to end our marriage. I thought I was being very generous and that my cheating and drinking were his fault. They weren't. I had every chance to leave, as trapped as I felt. Once i started drinking and cheating too it was just a spiral to hell. He committed arson and went to prison. I found out later that he had really plamned to kill a man i had been seeing. He is sober now. I'm, ironically, fighting what's become an 18 year old battle with alcohol. I would hate for you to end up like me, living in response to something you cannot control. I thin it's outrageous that she is still going on business trips and still having these sexual encounters while you are dying from fear and anxiety. I would tell her she needs to go into inpatient rehab or move out. If her boss doesn't allow it, I think that's probably illegal. And then follow through. No exceptions. No backing down. And if she goes to rehab and starts drinking again. You should walk away and not look back. I would never give advice like this to anyone except that I know what happens. You will lose your whole life. And she will have to change to get well with an enabler accepting her a she is. I am so sorry. I am praying for you both

BlownOne

Staying in your marriage with everything that has happened is going to cost you a lot. Do you really want to continue in a marriage with someone who had broken their trust with you so easily? Multiple times? Drinking is not an excuse for cheating. Call a lawyer and move on with your life. Find someone who is worthy of your love and your trust.

AnvilheadII

she became sober in Feb 2017, and had three minor relapses. So, 3 small relapses in 11 months

she has not been sober since Feb....she has only been sober since her last drink.

4thegirls

Sorry. I meant to write she will have NO chance to get well if you accept and enable her. I wish I'd realized that's what I was doing so long ago.

AlwaysGrowing

Wcabs

Ask yourself. How long are you going to keep hope of the What Ifs? Sober since xx of 2017 with relapse isn't sober since xx of 2017.

The reality is the drama ends when you step off the boat. I'm so very sorry and the same thing happened to me. I'm all about keeping a marriage alive but let be frank, that isn't what you are in. That is NOT what true marriage looks like. It's not even a basis on which to build on.

Its sucks but maybe it's time to make a decision for your health and sanity.

AG

Wcabs

Today, I'm waking up with a lot less self doubt, and with a new feeling that overthinking the past will not change what happened. These bad thoughts are robbing me of serenity, and I cannot survive much longer like this. I have all the evidence to move forward (albeit, with some trepidation), and I only have this evidence bc my wife was strong enough to admit something she could've kept hidden forever.

In addition to the many negative comments here, stating that I should leave, I will counter it with this: yes, she has been unfaithful, but she admitted. Now that I know the true damage that her alcoholism can do, I can work WITH her to help her fight it. In the past, I became quite indifferent from her and her problem. Now, I can help her move forward, but with CLEAR boundaries. I can tolerate a minor relapse, but will NEVER tolerate another matter of sexual infidelity (even kissing another guy is a potential dealbreaker). Now she knows this line that she CANNOT cross, and now she knows that her actions will have clear consequences.

In addition, I can train myself to be a better person, while also being smarter , knowing that if she does this again, it will not be met with tears of sorrow/anger, but a cold indifference that sees me leaving her alone immediately and with no regrets. There are second chances, but NO third chances. I'm not a punk.

I can only see that she is sorrowful, and we are going down the path of therapy and counseling. In addition, we have wrote down lists of what we both need in each other and as individuals in order to become more healthy and ignite a spark that had for a long time been fading.

Lastly, I'm thankful for the sudden profound transformation this opportunity has presented me with. I had grown too complacent with everything. A week after she admitted, I had to fly home to see my parents in a crisis bc I thought my father (a diabetic w/ kidney failure) was going to pass away. So, essentially, life told me, "you have been asleep, and in the matter of a week, your wife, your father, and the world as you knew it could potentially cease to exist. WAKE THE F*CK UP!" And so, I'm committed to going to the gym 5 days a week, instead of 5 days a month (lol), and strengthening myself physically and mentally. I've been unemployed for months, and am looking for ANY job to get my finances in order. As a filmmaker and screenwriter, I'm also using this moment to create a new project based on my experiences, and now, I can truly write from the heart, as many prolific artists have done.

So, I'm thankful for the sudden need to change, but am still sorrowful for the reason WHY change had to take place (wife's infidelity and cover-up). I just now know that while I am trying to move forward with her, that in the end, I am an individual and I will develop the means to survive, thrive, obtain growth, and transform into a better person. I will not fail, nor have I ever been a failure.

Thanks everyone.

Nata1980

Your “flaws” did not cause her to cheat.

Wcabs

Obviously, and she will always need to know that.

However, it's healthier for me to use this moment to grow and change what I have seen to be my unhealthy patterns (with no obvious pressure from her), rather than stay quagmired in a "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" approach.

honeypig

Wcabs, someone once posted here "sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them another bullet for their gun b/c they missed you the first time."

Just something for you to bear in mind, going forward.

Nata1980

Yes, absolutely, 100%, self care comes first. But this has nothing to do with what she has done, cheating is, in fact, all her fault. Same with getting drunk.

My XAH tried the “there are two sides of every story” angle with his relapses/cheating, it is actually pretty standard for a cheating partner to deflect responsibility for their actions. Same with addicts.

I hope you stick around and read peoples stories - this place is great.

Wheelsup

Wcabs -

She is very lucky that you have opted to give her the gift of reconciliation; I hope she realizes how lucky she truly is and does the work that's necessary to restore her integrity and your faith in her.

wheelsup

FeelingGreat

Wcabs, you're clear in your mind that this isn't a death sentence for your marriage and I respect that. Everyone had different values and priorities.

All the best in trying to rebuild your marriage. It seems you both value it enough to work at it, and barring relapse, that gives you the best chance.

Ladybird579

I only have this evidence bc my wife was strong enough to admit something she could've kept hidden forever.

My exah admitted many very hurtful things to me as his alcoholic progressed. His behaviour didn't really touch him anymore in the way feeling guilty does a non alcoholic. He acted all remorseful but he was just going through the motions being how I wanted him to be and saying what I wanted to hear. Fast forward a few more years and he no longer cared what he had done or how it effected me or our kids.
In addition to the many negative comments here, stating that I should leave,

Leaving is not negative. For those of us who have it has been very positive.

. Now that I know the true damage that her alcoholism can do, I can work WITH her to help her fight it

Nice idea but you can't. Only she can fight it if and when she decides too. The cold indifference you talk about is the detachment we go through when we realise we cannot do anything to help them.

can tolerate a minor relapse, but will NEVER tolerate another matter of sexual infidelity (even kissing another guy is a potential dealbreaker). Now she knows this line that she CANNOT cross, and now she knows that her actions will have clear consequences.

You just will never find out if it happens again. Giving an alcoholic an ultimatums is like saying if you drink again I will leave you...they still drink. Cheats cheat. Alcoholics are very adept at lying.

Jewelstar

If you have a chance you might want to read some of my posts. My RAH of 18yrs cheated, then begged for forgiveness and went to AA where he met yet another woman, this time he walked out on me for her. All in the course of 2 months.the pain and emotional roller coaster is indescribable.

Your wife has a character defect just like with my husband. They feel entitled to do what they want for their own self gratification. That is NOT love, I often think people like this are incapable of it. Not to say I didnt Love him, I love hard and real to a fault. But, Im in my early 40s and know myself better than ever. I will never walk on eggshells with anyone again. It’s time to move on.

If you like to read at all I found the book The Four Agreements to be extremely helpful. The agreements are be Impeccable with your words, Don’t take anything personally, don’t make assumptions and always do your best. The key one for me was not to take anything personally. Your wife’s illness and behavior has nothing to do with you. You can’t control it, you can’t cure it and I forgot The last one but you get my point. God bless

ScaryTime

Jewelstar, you actually forgot the first one “you didn’t cause it” - which I think is a really important message in this case.

I agree that the messages surrounding your situation to leave were definitely not meant to be a negative but more of a self awareness message that you need to work on you, she needs to work on her; and then you can look to work on the marriage. You didn’t cause her to relapse or to drink in the first place and certainly didn’t cause her to cheat. If she was committed to the marriage she would not have cheated on you.
You also don’t have any control over her own relationship with alcohol. She is the only one that has that control.
In addition, you cannot cure her relationship with alcohol or her propensity to cheat.
It is one thing to take accountability for your role in the relationship but quite another to take responsibility for the issues that you have no control over.
I admire your tenacity to hang in there and work on the marriage; and just caution that you don’t take undue “credit” for things that belong to her own truth and have nothing to do with your truth.
Good luck and take care of you!

velma929

" I can tolerate a minor relapse,but will NEVER tolerate another matter of sexual infidelity (even kissing another guy is a potential dealbreaker). "

If I were a manipulative person, I would be inclined to interpret this as "not really a dealbreaker."