Co-J

Hi, I'm new to the forums, and like many others, I'm hoping to draw from the experience of others.

I am currently living with my girlfriend and her daughter, who I consider to be my daughter also. I love them both very much. We dated for almost 2 years prior, and broke up for almost another 2 years. Alcohol was a major factor. After the 2 years, we got in contact again, and she said that she had quit drinking. She's recently told me that this wasn't the case, but that "alcohol" was no longer an issue and so she told me that so I would be with her again. Things were good for a long time, and now alcohol is an issue again.

I understand that my girlfriend has a problem with alcohol, as does a psychologist, psychiatrist, and an alcohol/drug counsellor. On a rare occasion she also admits to having a problem, normally after something drastic occurs.

I hear all the time about how she's going to cut down on drinking, how she understands it's not good to get as drunk and blackout as she does (she had a blood alcohol level once of 3.8 after not drinking for 12 hours), yet she continues to do so, generally on a weekly basis, though more if not for the fact that I'm "controlling."

She says that I'm being controlling, and her drinking partner (her best friend) tells her she should leave me. I know in my heart that I am right, and no longer have any doubts as to the legitmacy of my feelings, but am frustrated by the difference in perception. Sometimes I feel like she is going to counselling, and not drinking just to appease me, which is why she says I'm controlling, rather than realizing that she has a problem of her own and dealing with it. She says that, if she doesn't get drunk and act stupid, how much or how frequent she drinks doesn't matter. Other times I feel like she realizes she has a problem she wants to address.

This last week she's gone out with her friend for coffee a few times when feeling like wanting to drink, and I stayed home with our daughter. Today I stayed home with our daughter while she went over to her friends to dye her hair. She said she'd be home around 10pm, and it's now 1am. I haven't been able to contact either her or her friend via their cell phones, and have not been called, so I have no idea if she's even alive... likely she's out pissed drunk, and I may get a call at 3 or 5am calling to come get her. I worry something bad will happen to her when she drinks, and this has happened in the past.

I'm up now, trying to continue to better my own life, and do things for myself, but of course am unable to not worry. I know there's more to life than this, and experience it when she's not drinking, so this sickens me.

I'm going to counselling and will be attending meetings, so that will help, but could really use some help NOW!

In your opinion, should I flat out refuse to watch our daughter while she goes out? Am I enabling her by watching our daughter, or am I being a ***** to see it as "babysitting" her?

Thanks.

splendra

(((((Co-J))))))

Welcome to Sober Recovery......
If you were not babysitting would she still be out drinking? The child deserves protection from her behavior too ya know. If she would drink in spite of the child then you are probably not enabling her. But, if she would most likely not drink if you were not there to babysit then you are definatly enabling.....

It is true that we cannot control their drinking or drugging. You will make yourself crazy if you try to control her. I am glad to here that you are going to go to Alanon meetings they will help you change yourself so that what she does does not affect your choices. They wil help yo learn to keep the focus on yourself. My best wishes go out to you. Keep posting!!!

journeygal

Hi Co-J and welcome,

I'm in the process of separating from my husband and have decided to take his daughter with me, even though I have no custody or legal rights over her whatsoever. He has proven in the past that he will use and leave his kid alone whether I'm there or not. Splendra is right about the children needing protection. Initially I was very resentful at being forced to be this child's caretaker, something I felt I had no choice in. But I realized I do have a choice, and I've chosen to protect his daughter.

Trust me, if your g/f doesn't think she has a problem, she will continue to drink, whether you're there to watch your daughter or not. Try to focus on taking care of yourself and doing what's right for the child. You don't have to keep living this way.

Take care,
JG

JessicaNAJ

Hi Co-J, welcome.

My AH tells me all the time that he knows he has a problem. But he is not working a program (AA or counseling); therefore, I know in my heart that no matter how good things look on the surface, he's not going to get better.

I too have spent a lot of nights worrying about him. I usually go to bed saying the Lord's Prayer over and over just to fall asleep. It drives us to the brink of insanity sometimes the way we worry. When I find myself in that situation, I keep reminding myself to "Let Go and Let God". Her fate is out of your hands.

I think you are right to stay home with your daughter. She needs some love and support and stability in her life. You are a wonderful father.

Try to focus on you - stay strong.

((((Co-J))))

Jessica

Lorelai

Welcome to SR, Co-J !
I don't have much to add to the great advice above but I wanted to welcome you to the boards. There are so many wonderful people here who can certainly relate to your situation.

I encourage you to stick around and read and post. There is hope - whether your girlfriend continues to drink or not.

I'm glad you're here -
L

krlava

I'm new here also. My H went out last night, and didn't return until 1:00, either. He was just going to watch football, but the game was way over before 1:00....I was worried b/c it started snowing last night and the conditions were bad. He gave no consideration to me by staying out late when he said he would be gone for just a while for the game.

I don't know what to do. I stayed home to watch our 2 year old son. I "let" him go out, and feel like you. I'm going to counseling to figure things out. I hope both of us can find resolve soon. Good luck!
Kelli~*

Co-J

Well I finally got ahold of her at 1:30am. Drunk of course. She said she didn't call because she "didn't want to worry."

She ended up not coming home at all last night, and I got a call at 8:30am this morning, after I'd gotten our daughter off to school and was on my way to work.

She wants to know if "I'm mad at her." Anger I've learned masks the feelings of hurt, and the countless other feelings, which of course I have. I don't know what to do with them right now, as she doesn't seem capable of acknowledging them.

I don't know what to say to her, and am not able to be all loving towards her now. What a paradox. Any thoughts as to a resolution?