Spillover from years with A - "if something goes wrong, it must be my fault"
 

Today I was schedule to give a presentation in a colleague's class at 12.30. At 11.40, I got a text from them saying "Sasha, are you coming??". At 12.00, another text saying "Where are you???". I didn't see these until 12.10 because I was driving.

At 12.10 I get to my office and see my texts. OMG! I've screwed up! I was supposed to be presenting 40 minutes ago! Disaster! I check my previous emails from colleague: there it is, "12.30 on Thursday". So I'm not wrong. I race to colleague's room. It's now too late to do the presentation. Colleague is very apologetic - takes responsibility for giving me the wrong time, repeatedly says how sorry she is for this mistake, thanks me profusely for being willing to reschedule. She could not possibly have been more gracious about it, or more clear that it was her mistake and not mine.

So why do I still feel panicky and guilty, as though I had screwed up in some horrible way, even when I have evidence that I didn't, and even when someone else has told me that it was not my fault? Because I have years of conditioning, which I am still struggling with, that everything that goes wrong somehow must be traceable to me. It must be my fault, even in the face of objective evidence that I had nothing to do with whatever it was that went wrong. When I reread my emails saying that my presentation was for 12.30, it was almost as though I literally couldn't believe them - if something is wrong, it MUST be my fault, there can be no other reason.

I reassured colleague repeatedly that there was no harm done, everybody makes mistakes at some point, I'm fine with rescheduling, it's really okay. But it was definitely a learning moment - this is one facet of the insanity of alcoholism, I've been trained to see myself as the cause of everything bad because that's what the alcoholic told me I was.

Oh, man can I understand this.

We are sensitive people. Curse or a blessing, I can't decide which it is. On any given day it could be both.

Crazy brain, stop doing that to me.

I get you, sistah.

We are conditioned to question ourselves every step of the way - I totally get it.

I've mentioned this before - somehow it was my fault the dog puked (I wasn't even home), that traffic was bad, that it was too hot/cold outside, etc.

Since the A believes they are perfect and do nothing wrong - who is left to take the fall? Us.

That's why when I have a question about something, I email AW at work and ask, and then I have a response in black-and-white. Saved my arse numerous times. Sad that we have to end up that way, but it's self-preservation.

Wow. I can sure relate to this. Even the smallest mistake, I cower. Somehow it will be used against me.

Yes, I am conditioned to be overly responsible and perfect. I need to be ready to explain how I screwed up...Even if I was not in error.

It's like PTSD.... you don't see the triggers coming but suddenly you're in the middle of a freakout you can't seem to get a grip on.

This is a perfect example of the kinds of things I could never prepare for & found that mantras were so important to help rewire my synapses away from that damaging thought/reaction to a safer, happier, non-reactive space. It just takes constant repetition to build the habit & drill the changes down deeply enough into your hard-wiring.

In this sense, our brains are not much different than computers - we simply have to figure out a way to rewrite the coding.

Can totally relate to this! Am a systems admin (networks) in highly competitive environment - and stopped putting myself out there into the unknown/new systems and very adverse to change because I just felt too stupid and inadequate to go for it. I don’t know when that started...because I certainly didn’t get to where I am by being that way.
It is years and years of being made to feel inadequate, stupid etcetera...
I am much much better about this now but still have a long way to go as my first reaction is to assume that things were my mistake, I didn’t do something correctly and the whole nine yards. I agree self talk is huge - I am enough, I am intelligent, I am able...

I can relate - thank you for sharing. I like the way you put it ... a learning moment.

GM

I'm a 'double winner',but I get that way too at times. I look at it as a rush of adrenaline and it takes a bit to calm down. The overthinking we do,even after the fact, is insane!

I have that fear of messing up too, but I get it from my parents (catholic guilt).

The thing is, I wasn't even messing up. Not even slightly. Not even a tiny mistake on my part. And I knew it - even had the emails from my colleague with the time on them. But I STILL reacted as though I had done something wrong.

I mentioned this to a friend earlier today and she said "weren't you just irritated with [colleague]?". And I really wasn't. I really understand how if you're really busy you can get things mixed up and make mistakes and it's not the end of the world. But I still felt as though it was me who made the mistake.

It is strange when what you KNOW and what you FEEL are so completely different.

Just letting you know I hear you and relate-it takes a long time to re condition yourself to the truth that it’s not your fault. We so easily want to take blame because we did for so long. Keep walking forward and keep growing your confidence.

I take it a step further by feeling guilty for errors in presentation materials that are.....from a team I am not a part of, or don’t manage :a043:

Working on character defects.....day at a time :tyou

Sasha,

Huge kudos for you in seeing this discord inside you. Awareness. Check! :)

How about Acceptance? To simply sit with these feelings... to let them be welcomed to flow through you. I'm working on Identifying faulty core beliefs and as painful as they sometimes are to look at, to let them be and simply observe them... this is a very big step in reprogramming them.

Action... how is your self-care today? (((Hugs)))

When things get jumbled up, shook up, tripped up... good things inside of me get a little more freedom somewhere along the line. :)

FREEDOM by any means possible. First step: to be aware of the wounds and bondages.

Collateral stress. How many times did you have this same type of reaction to an incident/mistake created by your Ex?

I know I got tied up in knots over & over (until I knew better) due to all the drama of my husband's poor decisions/behaviors. It became sort of 2nd nature to "own" the stress of mistakes I didn't make & it wasn't difficult to extend that codie response out to everyone in my circle - friends, family, colleagues.

Been there way too many times. :a043: