I don't know what to do.

Old 01-24-2018, 07:52 PM
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I don't know what to do.

My husband is an alcoholic. We've been married a little over a year and have a one year old son with a few medical needs.

Almost two and a half years ago my husband nearly died from liver failure when he was 30 years old. His doctors basically said the only thing that was on his side was his age. I knew before then he might have a problem, but I wasn't sure. I was raised in a dry house and didn't know what was considered a "night cap" at the end of the night and what was a problem...but I soon found out it was a problem. Almost a year after that he went to rehab when he found out I was pregnant with a boy. We put together that it's a generational curse of sorts in his family in the men, and he made it clear he wanted to get the tools to face whatever laid ahead. Of course during that year he had fallen off the wagon a few times, but I only knew because I had a feeling and would search his stuff, and would usually find a bottle of vodka hidden somewhere. But, he would always turn it on me like how dare I betray his trust and riffle through his things...right? Because I am the one who broke the trust. But, once he went to rehab he's been a different person. Not angry. Not secretive. Nothing that triggered me into going crazy and sniffing his cups, looking at his credit card statement to see if he'd gone to the liquor store. When we had our son he was born preterm and with a severe birth defect (he's all good now!) and I tried to be respectful of what he needed to do to keep his anxiety down, like not visit the hospital all the time like I did, or talk about what was going on. He would say, they taught us in rehab not to worry about things we can't change. I was so proud of him....meanwhile I was drowning in isolation and loneliness because I felt like I was doing it all on my own. Well, this week we had to go to the ER because we were sure his appendix was about to burst. I was looking over his paperwork from the quickcare we went to before the ER and in the patient present with section I saw the line "worsened after alcohol" when I asked him why it said that he made me feel so stupid for even asking, but it gave me a red flag. While he was in surgery I checked his bank statement and for at least the last three months he's been going to liquor stores at least once a week. Since he's been in the hospital I searched his truck and found hidden behind his seat a Powerade bottle filled with vodka. I'm angry, hurt, but I'm starting to feel myself checking out. Almost like I expected it. I saw my counselor and she said I need to set boundaries. But, I don't know what that looks like. He's not a raging angry alcoholic. He's sneaky. And deceitful. Even before when he would be drunk, I never could tell. I feel like such a fool to think it was all good and well. Any ideas on how I could approach thing??
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Old 01-24-2018, 08:18 PM
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Hi, pkkp.
Welcome
You are not alone.
There is tons of support here.
Appears your husband has relapsed.
So, nothing needs to happen this minute, but you might start putting together a plan that enables you to make choices.
I recommend a couple of things: educate yourself about alcohol addiction as much as you can. Sounds like you are learning through counselling, so that’s good.
There is a lot of good info here, called stickies, about alcohol addiction and its impact on families.
They are embedded at the top of each forum.
Knowledge is power.
If you can get to Al-Anon meetings, I strongly urge you to do so.
There you will meet people who share your experience or a variation, and it is a terrific source of support.
Last, do you have family to whom you can turn should you need to?
Peace and good luck.
Here when you need us.
Oh, one more thing, you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it. Whether he drinks or not is really up to your husband.
Take good care.
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Old 01-25-2018, 02:15 AM
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pkkp....I agree with what Maudcat has just said....
So, I will underline it a bit.....
first of all...I am giving you a direct link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....(contained in the "stickies" at the top of this forum). There are enough for you to read one every single day. There is sooo much for you to learn.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

I suggest that you get to an alanon meeting as soon as possible. This will help you enormously to sort yourself out and give you the support that you are so badly needing.....

I hope that you will keep reading and keep posting....there is a lot of help here for those who want it....
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Old 01-25-2018, 06:07 AM
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Thank you guys! I feel like I’m in a tailspin but I’m going to do as much research as possible and am going to my first meeting tonight.
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Old 01-25-2018, 06:54 AM
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You asked about boundaries...

For me boundaries took practice. I had spent many years laying down rules and expectations for him to follow. That did not work out well for either of us. It was just a road to resentment, anger, frustration for both of us. And of course just led to more deceit and lies from him, more snooping from me... all extremely unhealthy stuff.

Boundaries aren't rules you set for him, boundaries are protections you set for yourself.

"You may not drink in our home".... is a rule
" I won't stay home with him when he is drinking".....is a boundary

It's up to every individual to decide what their boundaries are, and what course of action they will take when that boundary gets crossed.

My first boundary was, " I will not engage with him when he is drinking/drunk" (That now goes for pretty much anybody I encounter. It's pointless to try and have meaningful conversation with a drunk person.)

Alcoholics are deceptive. Always. It's the nature of the disease. They will lie, deceive, lie by omission etc, whatever it takes to protect their ability to consume alcohol. They will absolutely will turn all that all around on you and make it "your fault". Please don't take it to heart and don't take it personally, it's what they do, it's what they all do.

The book, " Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie was a life saver for me.

Spending as much time as I could here on SR-F&F was valuable beyond words. The strength, wisdom and fellowship here has saved the sanity of many, many, many broken people who love alcoholics/addicts.

Hang in there, I know how hard it is to be married to an alcoholic, I did it for two decades.... I don't recommend it.

*hugs*
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Old 01-25-2018, 07:52 AM
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Your therapist should be able to help you explore boundary options based on your specific situation. Based on what you posted above, it didnt sound like you were aware of the relapse which possibly means there were no obvious behavioral changes in him which affected you?

Addiction has symptoms, one of which is sneaking, hiding, denying the problem. My husband did it too. It really had nothing to do with trying to hurt me, and it had nothing to do with his morals or character.

If your husband is still in the hospital? I think you should turn to their resources and speak to his doctor. A medical education on addiction/alcoholism is the best in my opinion. There are many resources for family members including therapist who work primarily in addiction medicine. These people help family members navigate the process.

At one point I was ashamed of what was happening in my family and due to this I isolated from my parents and long time friends. It was a huge mistake on my part because those who knew me best, and cared the most about me and my husband - those were the ones who were able to provide me the most support.

As a side note. For me, the most important boundaries are based on health and safety needs, and the care of my child.
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Old 01-25-2018, 10:23 AM
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pkkp, my XAH was much the same as your husband--not violent or angry, but extremely deceitful and sneaky. I could almost never tell for sure if he'd been drinking either.

If you'd like to specifically look up threads I started to see if anything resonates w/you, all you need to do is to put your cursor over my name, then left click. You will get a dropdown list. Choose "Show all threads started by honeypig." And you'll get a listing.

Many of those threads will be posts from daily readers such as "The Language of Letting Go." You may find those useful, or you may wish to skip over them and only look at the ones pertaining to my journey since coming to SR. I think you might find some help in what the wise members of SR had to say to me over the past few years.

Hope you keep reading and posting here. There IS a way forward.
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Old 01-25-2018, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
pkkp, my XAH was much the same as your husband--not violent or angry, but extremely deceitful and sneaky. I could almost never tell for sure if he'd been drinking either.

If you'd like to specifically look up threads I started to see if anything resonates w/you, all you need to do is to put your cursor over my name, then left click. You will get a dropdown list. Choose "Show all threads started by honeypig." And you'll get a listing.

Many of those threads will be posts from daily readers such as "The Language of Letting Go." You may find those useful, or you may wish to skip over them and only look at the ones pertaining to my journey since coming to SR. I think you might find some help in what the wise members of SR had to say to me over the past few years.

Hope you keep reading and posting here. There IS a way forward.


Thank you! I will definitely will be reading everything I can!
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Old 01-25-2018, 11:42 AM
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Originally Posted by aliciagr View Post
Your therapist should be able to help you explore boundary options based on your specific situation. Based on what you posted above, it didnt sound like you were aware of the relapse which possibly means there were no obvious behavioral changes in him which affected you?

Addiction has symptoms, one of which is sneaking, hiding, denying the problem. My husband did it too. It really had nothing to do with trying to hurt me, and it had nothing to do with his morals or character.

If your husband is still in the hospital? I think you should turn to their resources and speak to his doctor. A medical education on addiction/alcoholism is the best in my opinion. There are many resources for family members including therapist who work primarily in addiction medicine. These people help family members navigate the process.

At one point I was ashamed of what was happening in my family and due to this I isolated from my parents and long time friends. It was a huge mistake on my part because those who knew me best, and cared the most about me and my husband - those were the ones who were able to provide me the most support.

As a side note. For me, the most important boundaries are based on health and safety needs, and the care of my child.

There were no obvious changes, but looking back there might have been a few red flags. My son has had some medical challenges this past year and has taken my entire attention, so there might have been more where I didn’t notice.

My therapist is an addiction counselor along with PTSD, which is what I’ve been working on. My AH went into liver failure, six months later I found out I was pregnant, two days later I found my mom after she had a massive stroke (she survived, but is disabled), I was put on bed rest for preeclampsia, delivered early, my son was in the NICU for 4 months and had three major surgeries, and then have been swamped by doctor appointments and therapy appointments on top of running my own business. Therapy was a must. However; she will be out of the country for about a month... so I’m so happy I found this group!
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Old 01-25-2018, 11:43 AM
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Hello and welcome!
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Old 01-25-2018, 12:29 PM
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Originally Posted by pkkp24 View Post
There were no obvious changes, but looking back there might have been a few red flags. My son has had some medical challenges this past year and has taken my entire attention, so there might have been more where I didn’t notice.

My therapist is an addiction counselor along with PTSD, which is what I’ve been working on. My AH went into liver failure, six months later I found out I was pregnant, two days later I found my mom after she had a massive stroke (she survived, but is disabled), I was put on bed rest for preeclampsia, delivered early, my son was in the NICU for 4 months and had three major surgeries, and then have been swamped by doctor appointments and therapy appointments on top of running my own business. Therapy was a must. However; she will be out of the country for about a month... so I’m so happy I found this group!
It sounds like your doing all the right things. You have been through a lot my friend. I can understand to a certain degree because along with going through tough times with my husband, I also was pregnant and our baby had health concerns before he was born, and then came early. Was in the NICU but not nearly as long as your son. The worry of it all contributed to what my doctor also called depression and anxiety linked to PTSD. I was so worried about post partum depression because I didnt want any of it to affect this precious time when my son is an infant. If you would ever like to chat offline on any of this stuff, your welcome to private message me on this site.
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