new here...not to addiction

Old 11-01-2004, 09:11 PM
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Smile new here...not to addiction

Hi. I just found this forum and it seems like there are some great resources here. My husband has been struggling with addiction to alcohol and marijuana. It's taken a huge toll on our relationship. We have a 3 year history that's a VERY long story. To sum it up, we've been through just about everything. We got together in college where drinking and smoking wasn't a huge deal. For me, it was a phase that just about every college student goes through. Well, I got pregnant and decided to go through with it. We talked about it, and I thought it was time to grow up and be responsible. Well, that hasn't happened fo rmy DH. He continued to drink while I was PG, alone, which was so odd to me. I thought it was stress from the changes going on, so I tried to roll with it.
Well, it never stopped. It got worse. I just dismissed it and tried to get over it. We'd fight over it, and he'd make me feel bad for getting upset. He made me feel like I was the bad person. There was nothing I could do.
This is such a long story, so I'll try to summarize. Basically, we fight about it, he hides his drinking sometimes and hides the marijuana all the time. I have no trust in him and constantly wonder what he's doing when I'm not around. He's been abusive and been to counseling, and tried to quit drinking, but nothing has worked. I also drink, which makes me feel like a hypocrite, which I guess I am. I like to have a few SOCIAL drinks on occasions, but it doesn't interfere with my life. My husband would stay up until 5:00 am drinking alone, then smoke a joint. He's failed out of many of his classes, and lost a job.
Anyways, I'm going to counseling about it. I've thought about leaving, but want to make sure first. I love him and he loves me and is good to me in every other way. I'm learning to not let him drag me down, and empowering myself through letting go. I acknowledge I can't change him, and can't wear myself out any longer.
Sorry this is so long, there's so much I want to say, but would take forever.

I'm really confused and sad. I'm exhausted from dealing with this for over 3 years. I'm just looking for an outlet because I don't have anyone else really to talk to about this. I plan on going to some Al Anon meetings.

Thanks for listening to me ramble!!!
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Old 11-01-2004, 09:31 PM
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Hi there! I felt the same way when I came here. Worn out, without anywhere to go or anyone to talk to. Everyone here is really helpful and supportive. It's going to really help you out. At least it did for me.
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Old 11-02-2004, 06:30 AM
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Welcome krlava !
Your story is so familiar. For me, it was 20 years of trying to fix the problem. I'm so glad that you are getting help now instead of waiting.

You'll find a lot of wisdom and support here and some wonderful people who know how you feel.

Stick around - read and post. I'm glad you're here.
L
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Old 11-02-2004, 08:42 AM
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Thanks! I am at the end of my rope. My husband went to a friends' house last night to watch football and said he'd be back in a little while. I usually go with him, but last night I didn't want to, so he said he would go for "just a while". Well, I figured he'd watch the game, drink (of course), maybe smoke pot, and come home. He didn't come home until 1:00 am. It started snowing here last night, and the conditions were bad, so I was worried. Anyway, he took advantage of the situation and stayed out and partied. Didn't let me know what was going on. Usually, those who go over to watch Monday night football leave right after the game, and it's over early. Now I'm wondering why this was different. Our friend who's house it was is a woman and is my husband's best friend, essentially. She's an alcoholic and smokes pot as well, so they have a lot in common. She has helped him out and been a really good friend to both of us, but now I'm wondering if there's feelings there. I never thought that he'd cheat on me, but things have been tense between us lately with me going to counseling and generally not being happy.

I wonder horrible things. I know they're really close friends, he's said she's like his sister before, but I know when your partner and you are distant, you can turn to others who are like you for comfort. Sigh....sometimes I think I wouldn't even care if he cheated. It would be an easy OUT for me. Crazy.

Well, thanks again for reading this. I appreciate being able to VENT!! Kelli~*
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Old 11-02-2004, 12:04 PM
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krlava,

I left my ex for many of the same reasons you are considering (I'm also an ACOA). In my case, I was pregnant at the time and he had become physically abusive, which simplified my decision immensely. Almost 8 years later, I have no regrets and my daughter is growing up in a healthy environment.

What you have to know is that your husband's actions are not your fault. You are not a hypocrite for having an occasional social drink. There is nothing wrong with that. You do not force him to drink or smoke pot and you are not the reason he cannot control it. He blames you because blaming you is so much easier than taking responsibility for his own actions.

What you have to do is seriously evaluate your situation with your husband and decide what it means for you and more importantly, for your child's future. Will the substance abuse worsen if he does not get help? Will he lose his job? Eventually, will he work at all? If not, can you pay the bills alone? Save for your child's college and your future? Will you have the life you deserve? Will your child? And ultimately, you have to take a good, hard look at yourself and figure out how much you're willing to put up with in order to be with this man. If you remain in a relationship with a substance abuser, you make sacrifices. When you're a single mother, you make sacrifices. Which ones will be for the greater good?

At the end of the day, you've got to love yourself, girl. Please remember that. PLEASE keep talking to people and listen to yourself.
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Old 11-02-2004, 04:10 PM
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Thanks dava. I'm considering these things. My counselor is helping me deal with this. She's helped me realize that I have to love myself before anything else so I can make decisions. She's heavily advocating al-anon to help me through this. I'm just confused and sad. I love my husband, and the things he does have really gotten to me, and I can't continue to let them get me the way they have. It's exhausting.

Thanks for the post!
Kelli~*
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