inquiringmind

So, I feel like I know that my relationship with my AH (thought he was RAH) is over, cannot be salvaged. I don't want to jump the gun, so to speak, but I also don't want to drag things out. I am so torn...it is so hard to let go. I don't know what I am struggling with more: the idea of losing the future I thought I would have? The idea of being a single mom? The idea of my boys not having their father around? Then, there's still that small shred of hope that I want to have. Though, I feel like even hope is unrealistic right now. He has shown his true colors (at least the colors of his addiction) time and time again. There is no trust, and I just keep getting hurt. I have never believed in divorce, never thought I would be in this position, and I am STRUGGLING with letting go....but I know I need to. At least, I feel like it is inevitable.

What did it for y'all? Was there a final breaking point? Did you just get to the point where you knew enough was enough? It is like I know all of these things in my head.....but my heart is another story. I tear up anytime I even say the word divorce. I don't know if I have what it takes to actually go through with it.

dandylion

inguiringmind....can you flip this coin over, and look at it?
"I DO have what it takes to stay in a relationship where there is no trust and I just keep getting hurt."
"I believe in Unhappy marriage."

dandylion

inquiringmind....here is a link to a website that you might appreciate, today.....
At least, it might give you a good laugh!

https://www.chumplady.com/2018/01/dont-need-bad-2/

firebolt

Fears aren't facts my friend.

I'm just gonna guess that:
You already lost the future you thought you would have with him.
You are already kind of a single parent.
Their father CAN be around if he can pull his *h!t together....whether you are with him or not.

Sooo...regarding that future....you can still have the one you wanted, just doesn't sound like it's with him. In fact, he sounds like the single biggest thing in your life that is an obstacle to that future.

The title of a chapter from one of my favorite books is pretty profound:

"If the map doesn't align with the road, it's the map that's wrong."

Hun, I think you just have to redraw that map so it's more accurate with what IS, then you can find a path to the future you want.

No one thing tipped me over the edge, it was just kinda waking up one day and saying what the hell am I doing. I KNOW I shouldn't be here. I've known for a long time. And that was that. Sounds like you're there. (((HUGS))) Hang in there, letting go is the hardest thing ever.

atalose

If you want to know where your heart is; look where your mind wanders!

I believe it is fear that keeps us trapped and remaining in a toxic relationship, it’s familiar, we know it, we know what to expect (maybe) or at least we think we do. The unknown is scary and fear sets in and we stay stuck.

One of the best things I heard on SR regarding fear was…………..

Fear is your best friend or your worst enemy. It’s like fire. If you can control it, it can cook for you, it can heat your house. If you can’t control it, it will burn everything around you and destroy you.

HardLessons

For me I was in the same hellish limbo for a long period of time. Knowing I needed to leave but fearful of leaving for numerous reasons.

Towards the end her addictions got worse much worse. I felt like I was dying. It was a very bad situation.

I came to the conclusion that I needed leave in order to save myself. Leaving was extremely difficult but I somehow managed to do it. Was it the right decision to make - yes. But it was the only option I had left. I tried everything & nothing worked.

I am sorry for your situation. I wish you the best concerning your difficult decision.

CentralOhioDad

Well, for me it was a lot of things - mainly the peeps on this board kicked my arse all the way to the attorney's office!!

But it was a collection of things: I felt as if I had done\said everything there was to do/say - and AW was still drinking, and snapping at me. I realized that it probably wasn't going to get any better, I'm not getting younger, and I'm damn unhappy. But it was also, and mostly, had to do with DS7, he deserves more, he deserves better.

AW bemoans the fact that she grew up in an alcoholic home, and yet she doesn't see the same dynamic happening right in front of her eyes. I don't want DS ending up like her - he has a very bright future ahead of him, but only if I can get him away from her/our dysfunctional household.

I thought that twice in the past seven months she had hit 'rock bottom', only to open another bottle the next day. So, in a sense, I guess I hit my rock bottom first. Now I'm on the offensive, and she will be on the defensive.

It sucks, but I feel its necessary.

COD

CentralOhioDad

Yes!!!! My mind and heart were out of it long ago, but I stayed physically. And yes, it was familiar, it was something on which I could rely. I was stuck for way too long

Hummer

There wasn’t any final breaking point for me either, (we’ve been separated 12 months and I began divorce proceedings this month).
I think I just finally accepted that no matter how hard it was to walk away (there was plenty of good), it was impossible for me to stay and overlook the other behaviours which had totally broken the trust.

I eventually listened to my inner voice and started to question why I was accepting all of the other toxic stuff - I made too many allowances for the addiction. I took on board all of the advice here at SR and started to see things differently - more healthily.

Wishing you the very best and I hope you get some clarity soon.

SmallButMighty

I did have a final straw... but it came after I started to work on getting myself healthy.

I'd been suffering terrible anxiety, complete with panic attacks and insomnia. I came to the realization that this debilitating anxiety was a physical manifestation of my instincts. My instincts had been telling me for a long time things were wrong. I had defended the indefensible, I had accepted the unacceptable, I had stooped below who I wanted to be to be compatible with someone who I was no longer compatible with. My relationship with him and my relationship with MYSELF was making me sicker and sicker... I knew this but I wasn't listening to my instincts, I was muting them, stuffing them down... and continuing to get further lost in the chaos of his addiction and that of my codependence. When I realized my anxiety, (my fight or flight response), was my instincts basically slapping me upside the head because "talking" to me hadn't worked... I started to pay attention... I opened myself up to truly learning about what changes I could make to my life, to make my life better, to rid myself of the terrible anxiety. It didn't happen over night and it wasn't easy.

I lived with my XAH for a long time after we separated ( I do not suggest anyone ever do this!!!) I was terrified to leave, TERRIFIED... but the anxiety attacks stopped altogether as SOON as I left and got a place of my own.

I'll never not listen to my instincts ever again, regarding anything. I'd preached to my kids since they were toddlers that they had to trust their tummies, how was I so naive as to not do it myself? ( I know the answer is codependence)

Wishing you strength and clarity, peace and calm as you deal with this.

CentralOhioDad

Another thing that was pointed out to me by this dear band of misfits here on SR was that I would say: "I don't want to break up the family" - only to be told it was already severely broken, but I could give DS a better future by leaving and giving him stability and a fair chance.

I would also say, "I'm abandoning the family" - NO, she abandoned it every night when she is passed out somewhere, I'm saving DS from that.

inquiringmind

Thanks, everyone, for your insight. As much as I hate the situations we are all currently battling (or have already overcome for some of y'all), it is comforting knowing I have somewhere to turn where people truly understand what I am going through.

You are right: my family is already broken. It wasn't that bad until recently, but all of the problems we have ever had over the past decade plus have been directly related to his drinking and inability to tell the truth as a result. There have been so many times I thought to myself, "How can I live with him forever?" "Is this normal?" "Why does he chose to act like this?" but, mainly, "WHEN WILL HE GROW UP?!?" I guess I know now that this is who he is. I just still disgusts me that someone who is supposed to love and cherish me can treat me so poorly and hurt me so deeply. I hurts so much. I want him to realize how badly he has hurt us and how selfish his actions are.

I honestly believed that he was working hard towards recovery. Maybe he was, but he fell off the wagon on Friday, and has spent every night at the bar since. I know it is a disease, I know it takes time, I know alcoholics relapse. I just HATE the LIES. They break me to my core.

Sorry for the pity party. Some moments I am strong, others I am a mess.....mostly a mess lately. This, too, shall pass.....right???

firebolt

Indeed it will. Only one of you wants it to pass right now, and it often comes down to there being no easier and sure fired way than to kick it down a gear, and floor it!

Don't be sorry for the pity party, we've all been there...and if the partner of an addict doesn't deserve a pity party, then I don't know who does!

AnvilheadII

this reminds me of my fave saying:

There are no problems
Only resistance to the solutions

BAW81

It's never easy to make a decision when both options suck. I definitely had a lot of little moments that cracked our foundation and there was my rock bottom experience that forced me to move forward and file for divorce. And guess what, it DOES suck.

BUT - I am comforted by the hope that it will get better and now I have the opportunity to create a better life for myself and my DS.

If I stayed, it would've been the same soul suck getting worse and worse and worse until nothing would be left.

I want to be a happy person so I can be a good mom. I still to this day cry and have pity parties because "this was not supposed to be my life, UGH!"

But I'm one day closer to the life I want by leaving than I was by staying. I would've run circles to create the illusion of the life I wanted which isn't a good life either...nor a positive example for my kid.

Maudcat

I always feel like Marley’s ghost, gloomily appearing to Ebeneezer Scrooge, shaking his heavy chains and telling Scrooge he better straighten out, when I post this, but here goes.
To anyone teetering on leaving or staying with the alcohol addict partner: it is a progressive condition. Unless he/she embraces sobriety, he/she will get sick.
Not today, not tomorrow, but eventually.
Guaranteed.
I have recently posted that my alcohol addict sib, age 62, is sick from a lifetime of drinking.
Don’t know what it is. I’m guessing, liver, stomach, bowel problems, based on what I have been able to observe.
It is not pretty.
If you possibly, possibly can, leave.
Take the kids, take the dog, and leave. Now.

dandylion

As far as the single parent thing....I found that it was sooo much more fun and easier to raise kids alone, than with a partner/spouse that is sucking the marrow from your bones.....
I divorced my children's father when all three of them were small....he had the opportunity to see them as much as he wanted....
We had so much fun, together...and, the kids...who are all adults, now...often talk about those times....
They have all said that they were glad that "they didn't have to live with DAD, full time"......

When I left that marriage...I felt like a person walking through the p rison doors toward freedom! I have never regretted that decision...

Of course, raising kids is always a challenge...married or not married...and, I was not spared any of that, either....
But, so many wonderful things came into my life....even as a "single mother"
I never felt that it held me back!

NYCDoglvr

Change is frightening for most people. "The devil you know vs the devil you don't know........", etc. Perhaps it's looking at the effect of alcoholism on the children.....