Still finding it so hard to let go...
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Still finding it so hard to let go...
AH has told me (during counseling last night) that he has made it through all 12 steps. I can’t wrap my mind around that. So I know that the 12 steps are worked over and over again but I see no change in his arrogance, manipulation, disrespect, and “crowding” of me. How can he possibly be through all 12 steps??? And he has made his amends and the only person that it didn’t go well with was me, is what he told the counselor. Emotionally I don’t see change; although he thinks he has changed. And maybe he has and I just need to throw in the towel and quit going back and picking it up again...
I am finding myself going backwards in my emotional healing after last night. And I am angry about that.
So went to dinner with friends afterwards and when got home “tried” talking to him just about my night and it seemed he couldn’t put down his phone and give me his attention. So I went to bed.
I just keep going back again and again and again looking for. . . What? I don’t know-but every time find myself spiraling and starting at step one again with “my truth”.
So frustrated!
I am finding myself going backwards in my emotional healing after last night. And I am angry about that.
So went to dinner with friends afterwards and when got home “tried” talking to him just about my night and it seemed he couldn’t put down his phone and give me his attention. So I went to bed.
I just keep going back again and again and again looking for. . . What? I don’t know-but every time find myself spiraling and starting at step one again with “my truth”.
So frustrated!
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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If he's still acting like that, he either blew thru the 12 steps with little or no effort or he didn't do them at all. Trust your gut. Recovery looks like recovery. You can see it from a mile away. Everything about a person changes when it's real. If it's the same old same old, he's kidding himself. My gut tells me he didn't do them at all.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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I have to echo that recovery looks and sounds like recovery - once you internalize these ideas, they become a big part of the way you interact with the world around you, imo. It hasn't really mattered to me how many days it's been since my ex had a drink because everything else about his words and actions still looks like alcoholism, not recovery.
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Quack! He's been dry for what, 10 weeks? After years & years of drinking & multiple DUI's? Doubtful his body/brain are even dried out enough fully yet - the physical/chemical healing in the body after years of abuse don't happen overnight like that.
Quack, quack, quack. You'll recognize recovery when you see it - mostly because it will NOT look like the same-ole' same-ole' stuff. Is there any possibility he's still drinking or has relapsed & not shared that info?
Quack, quack, quack. You'll recognize recovery when you see it - mostly because it will NOT look like the same-ole' same-ole' stuff. Is there any possibility he's still drinking or has relapsed & not shared that info?
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Originally Posted by ScaryTime 
with was me, is what he told the counselor. Emotionally I don’t see change; although he thinks he has changed. And maybe he has and I just need to throw in the towel and quit going back and picking it up again...
I'm thinking they were probably just happy to get any kind of apology and it probably doesn't affect them one way or the other on a day to day basis.
That he brought up his other amends is 100 percent irrelevant in my opinion, except as a defense.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
Quack, quack, quack. You'll recognize recovery when you see it - mostly because it will NOT look like the same-ole' same-ole' stuff. Is there any possibility he's still drinking or has relapsed & not shared that info?
He just seems to me like he has taken steps backwards over the last week or so and his arrogance is front and center again and the lectures omg the lectures about his higher power and yada yada yada... I am very confused...he is acting like he did when he was actively drinking and I dunno, posted out here because I wanted to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind and that I am not confusing the 12 steps and that recovery is supposed to “look different”.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I would venture to say that you have a greater emotional stake in this than others he might have offered his "amends" to.
I'm thinking they were probably just happy to get any kind of apology and it probably doesn't affect them one way or the other on a day to day basis.
That he brought up his other amends is 100 percent irrelevant in my opinion, except as a defense.
I'm thinking they were probably just happy to get any kind of apology and it probably doesn't affect them one way or the other on a day to day basis.
That he brought up his other amends is 100 percent irrelevant in my opinion, except as a defense.
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Originally Posted by glenl
I have to echo that recovery looks and sounds like recovery - once you internalize these ideas, they become a big part of the way you interact with the world around you, imo. It hasn't really mattered to me how many days it's been since my ex had a drink because everything else about his words and actions still looks like alcoholism, not recovery.
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Originally Posted by BlownOne
If he's still acting like that, he either blew thru the 12 steps with little or no effort or he didn't do them at all. Trust your gut. Recovery looks like recovery. You can see it from a mile away. Everything about a person changes when it's real. If it's the same old same old, he's kidding himself. My gut tells me he didn't do them at all.
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Originally Posted by ScaryTime
I am very confused...he is acting like he did when he was actively drinking and I dunno, posted out here because I wanted to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind and that I am not confusing the 12 steps and that recovery is supposed to “look different”.
It is accountable & respectful & engaged. It is growth of the mind, body & spirit.
It is imperfect, but humble. It is accepting & working through our emotions rather than numbing them away.
It is full of "I" statements - "I am seeking recovery/ I have done wrongs/ I am seeking new ways & tools. I have made it to meetings/ I have found a sponsor/therapist/program."
It isn't really measurable but you can't help but recognize it when you see it.
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I just keep going back again and again and again looking for. . . What?
we call it going to the hardware store looking for bread.
and wanting those that hurt us to be responsible for also healing us.
that you WANT bread and healing is not the problem....where you are seeking these things is.
we call it going to the hardware store looking for bread.
and wanting those that hurt us to be responsible for also healing us.
that you WANT bread and healing is not the problem....where you are seeking these things is.
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Location: New York, NY
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It takes a good year to get through the steps with a sponsor (it's pointless on your own) and we keep doing them every few years. Real change can take decades and requires hard work and dedication.
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Recovery is not a destination with a finish line; it’s a journey a lifelong continuous journey.
Nobody gets over an addiction by stopping using or sitting there butts in a chair at a meeting or reading a book with the 12 steps in it. You recovery by creating a new life where it is easier to not use. If you don’t create a new life, then all the factors that brought you to your addiction will catch up with you again.
Time will reveal more!
Nobody gets over an addiction by stopping using or sitting there butts in a chair at a meeting or reading a book with the 12 steps in it. You recovery by creating a new life where it is easier to not use. If you don’t create a new life, then all the factors that brought you to your addiction will catch up with you again.
Time will reveal more!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by atalose
Recovery is not a destination with a finish line; it’s a journey a lifelong continuous journey.
Nobody gets over an addiction by stopping using or sitting there butts in a chair at a meeting or reading a book with the 12 steps in it. You recovery by creating a new life where it is easier to not use. If you don’t create a new life, then all the factors that brought you to your addiction will catch up with you again.
Time will reveal more!
Nobody gets over an addiction by stopping using or sitting there butts in a chair at a meeting or reading a book with the 12 steps in it. You recovery by creating a new life where it is easier to not use. If you don’t create a new life, then all the factors that brought you to your addiction will catch up with you again.
Time will reveal more!
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I just keep going back again and again and again looking for. . . What?
we call it going to the hardware store looking for bread.
and wanting those that hurt us to be responsible for also healing us.
that you WANT bread and healing is not the problem....where you are seeking these things is.
we call it going to the hardware store looking for bread.
and wanting those that hurt us to be responsible for also healing us.
that you WANT bread and healing is not the problem....where you are seeking these things is.
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Scarytime......here is an idea. Next time...make a note to tell the counselor what you are feeling...just l ike you just did to us---"I always come out of these sessions focused on him again....I want to get off this marry-go-round""
what you are feeling is very important, in therapy.
Just for the record...is this a marriage counselor....or a generalist...or a person who has some experience in treating addictions.....
the background and type of training makes a big difference in the orientation of each therapist/counselor....
what you are feeling is very important, in therapy.
Just for the record...is this a marriage counselor....or a generalist...or a person who has some experience in treating addictions.....
the background and type of training makes a big difference in the orientation of each therapist/counselor....
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Join Date: Nov 2017
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Scarytime......here is an idea. Next time...make a note to tell the counselor what you are feeling...just l ike you just did to us---"I always come out of these sessions focused on him again....I want to get off this marry-go-round""
what you are feeling is very important, in therapy.
Just for the record...is this a marriage counselor....or a generalist...or a person who has some experience in treating addictions.....
the background and type of training makes a big difference in the orientation of each therapist/counselor....
what you are feeling is very important, in therapy.
Just for the record...is this a marriage counselor....or a generalist...or a person who has some experience in treating addictions.....
the background and type of training makes a big difference in the orientation of each therapist/counselor....
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I know that they go back and rework the steps but I guess I just thought that he would have at least some aha moments and I have yet to see anything with regards to that....
This means that if I drink I can't stop, the first drink gets me drunk.
The rest is two steps forward, one step back. It takes years/decades for some ingrained behavior to change.
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Location: W Washington
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so that’s kind of why I don’t understand how he can be through the 12 steps... I can’t wrap my mind around it-
perhaps you had your expectations a bit high about what sobriety and being in a program for a time would DO for your AH?
there is no time frame on how fast one does the steps.
there is no rule really about HOW one does them. what that looks like, what is involved.
even the concept of WORKING the steps differs greatly from addict to addict.
i'd have to say that OVERALL people really don't change THAT much. yes of course there are some of those truly transformative events but to be honest they are rare. if someone was a sneaking lying cheating ******** when they were drinking, they have a good probability of still having all those traits and behaviors when they sober up.
not a lot of jackasses turn into petunias...........
lastly, never forget the bit about free will. and choice.
HE may be perfectly happy with his sobriety and conduct.
instead of trying to figure out why he HASN'T changed into someone else, now is the time to figure out what you want to do with the MAN HE IS TODAY.
perhaps you had your expectations a bit high about what sobriety and being in a program for a time would DO for your AH?
there is no time frame on how fast one does the steps.
there is no rule really about HOW one does them. what that looks like, what is involved.
even the concept of WORKING the steps differs greatly from addict to addict.
i'd have to say that OVERALL people really don't change THAT much. yes of course there are some of those truly transformative events but to be honest they are rare. if someone was a sneaking lying cheating ******** when they were drinking, they have a good probability of still having all those traits and behaviors when they sober up.
not a lot of jackasses turn into petunias...........
lastly, never forget the bit about free will. and choice.
HE may be perfectly happy with his sobriety and conduct.
instead of trying to figure out why he HASN'T changed into someone else, now is the time to figure out what you want to do with the MAN HE IS TODAY.
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