Blueskies18

My husband has been drinking daily for thirty years except for a sober week 20 years ago. He went to rehab 7 days ago and he is sober. I thought I would like having him away. I thought I'd feel free and would sleep better, and get things done. Im not sleeping, I cry easily, I don't enjoy eating or cooking. I love him so much. I got to see him on Saturday and I think it's still early days for him. I just need to settle down, we paid for 45 days. He said on Sat that he's thinking of leaving after 30. I need to understand that he will do what he will do. I wish I knew what I will do moving forward. Ideally, we will have a hobby together, we will go to councelling together and it will be his idea. This is so hard for me. I never thought that I would feel so lost. I'm scared. I don't know what of, but I'm scared.

dandylion

Blueskies....perhaps your are afraid of change....afraid of losing the relationship? Perhaps, some co-dependency going on...?

I suggest that you begin to do some studying , while he is gone....because, there is a lot for you to learn (knowledge is power).....
The book, "Co-dependency No More" is highly regarded, around here. It is a really great and easy read...You can get it on amazon.com....cheaply, if you get an used paperback. Or, you can get it from your local library.

I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and its effect on the loved ones. There are a lot of them...so, you can read one every day....
It can help fill the time, while he is away...and, give you a fresh perspective....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

In addition...here is ONE of those articles...that, I think you could read, right now...as it is a pretty good yardstick to judge where he might be in term of his recovery......

dandylion

Here is that article that I promised you, in the above post....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)


It is natural, I think, for husbands and wives to miss each other when there is a longish separation...especially, at first....it should get easier,as you get m ore used to it.....
I suggest that you keep the phone calls short....as,he needs his focus to be on his sobriety, as the first priority, right now. Hopefully, he will change his mind about coming home early, as he gets more into the work of rehab.....
Leaving rehab early can be seen as a big red flag of his non-commitment to recovery.....f

ladyscribbler

What would you do for yourself, if you weren't basing all of your decisions on his decisions? What do you like to do? What do you want to do?

I spent a long time not being able to answer questions like that. I had no idea who I was because my whole life had revolved around people pleasing.

Your husband is in good hands, surrounded by professionals, doing his own healing. Don't you deserve some support for yourself? Just for you?

Glad you reached out here, hope you are able to read some of those threads and articles that Dandy posted. The readings here were very helpful to me, reassurance that I wasn't alone.

Blueskies18

I have slept a bit better for the last two nights. I am going to read the articles and get the book "codependent no more". I haven't gone to the gym since he left, and I have only walked the dogs one time, and I would be doing both of those things regularly if I felt OK. I am working on my masters which takes a lot of time and it is purely something for me, and my children and I have a plan to redecorate the livingroom. (Part of the reason is because we think it would be a good start to get rid of his "drinking chair", but I can refocus and find some joy in this too.) before my children were grown I think I had detachment with live down packed, but over the last five years, I want to be with him more, and his drinking has increased. I'm glad I came here.

dandylion

Blueskies.....that is a good plan, I think. Painting....I actually like to paint (houses), because I find it to be good therapy......I turn on the radio and go to town...such good distraction.....
I know your dog will like the new plan......

Blueskies18

I read the post and it reminded me that where he is is best today and I can get on with my life. I'll re-read it ever day. Every little thing helps. I am very surprised with myself for being so anxious and weepy.

dandylion

Blueskies.....sometimes, crying is good medicine. It helps to get the negative energy out of your body. We were given tear ducts for a few reasons...and, crying is one of them!

Lol...crying is a sort of art form for me.....

Blueskies18

So grateful! Thank you! I will paint for the joy of it. I downloaded codependency no more on my kindle. (I noticed the other one was by Melody Beattie and I have one of her books already). I'm going to go to yoga with my children on Wednesday (after cancelling with them both last week). I don't have to start cooking again if I don't feel like it. I went to al-anon for ten years, twenty years ago, and this feels a little bit like coming home

Blueskies18

Lol, this just made me cry. I have so much to be grateful for, and I need to take baby steps, and stop over-thinking. I hope I feel stronger by the end of the week.