Lou81

My partner or ex partner I don’t know what to call him goes into rehab this week and has said he is hopeful we can make it through it together and that he still loves me . But he’s so cold and distant and has blinkers on . What can I expect from this rehab experience and do
Many couples make it through ?

dandylion

Lou...your questions cover a big area....can you narrow it down to more specific questions? If you give more detail about your situation, if would help us to know, better, how to address you......

there are a couple of books that m ight help you to understand early recovery period......
"Loving 'someone in Recovery"
"Everything Changes"

You can get them on amazon.com and/or from your local library....

In addition, I suggest you begin reading the excellent articles in our extensive library on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...lol...there are a lotof them...so, you could read one every day.....
Knowledge is power.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

there is one specific article from the ones that I gave you that would be a good one for you to read, I think. It is a pretty accurate yardstick.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

Sleepyhollo

I think it is hard to say what your experience will be like. My H was 2 weeks sober when he went in. I gave him an ultimatum and due to his profession he had mandatory rehab (he could've not gone but he would've more than likely lost everything including his job) which we didn't expect (he had quit drinking several times before after all so quitting wasn't the problem after all, staying sober was...) but once he went we quickly came to realize that he absolutely needed the entire 90 days of rehab. Not CO the alcohol but for all the underlying issues and behaviors which after 40 years are so ingrained that it takes a lot of therapy and time to even start making a dent. It was a steep learning curve for both of us as I didn't realize really what addiction meant, I mean other than being addicted to something and that people should stop using. Addiction is so much more than quitting and is very complicated. They need to learn how to cope with every day stress and life without alcohol or else chances that they will stay clean are slim and underlying psych issues need to be diagnosed and treated with meds if necessary (sometimes therapy only can take care of things like anxiety ) .
I'm not going to lie. Rehab was very rough on us and I don think that's is unusual. They're no longer drinking but have not yet acquired coping skills so they get cranky pretty easily. I quit talking to my H part way through because it was too stressful and I needed to keep my household running and focus on me and talking to him was not helpful. We're a year out from rehab and things are still very rocky. A lot of that has to do with me. My h is ready to move forward but I was pretty much done when I gave him the ultimatum. I gave him a last chance to do something about it because we have a kid together. Otherwise I more than likely would've left. I don't know if we will make it through or not, my H has changed a lot in the last year. He had improved after rehab but has come a long ways even since then. I will admit that he is doing very well sobriety wise and is very committed. But it may have been too late for me. You both will need to change and rather than focusing on your relationship you each should be focusing on yourself and your own recovery and start worrying about the relationship when he has proven that he is really working his recovery and that it seems like he is being successful. I never realized how messed up I am myself which is why I was the,perfect partner for him (codependent/enabler/trying to fix everything). You more than likely have some of your own issues to explore and need to take care of. I never knew this before because after all we're not the one with the addiction problem.
Let him be for now and let him work on his recovery right now and that way you can take care of you,. All his energy should go into his recovery right now. Often both parties end up changing a lot and for some people that works and others it doesn't. You ultimately have no control over what he wants or needs. You just have control of yourself and your own feelings. I think partially it also depends on where your relationship was at. I was pretty much done so that didn't help. Had he done it 2.5 years ago when I had confronted him (but without ultimatum as I was not ready to walk out then) I think things would've gone differently. Still no cakewalk by any means but better in terms of our relationship. Learn all you can about addiction and codependency. If the rehab has a family program go to that as well while he is ther , you will learn a lot and you will need to learn a lot. Don't set any expectations right now and let things take their course. You may decide to stay together ( but don't rush back into it), he may decide he is done or you may even decide you are done. Only time will tell how you both are changing. Don't expect smooth sailing because he is in rehab. It will likely still be very challenging for both of you. Take it one day at a time. Therapy in rehab is very intense and they will dig deep into his mind if he stays more than 30 days. I think 30 days is not enough for most people. I wasnt ready for my H to come home after 90 days, had he come home after. 30 days I think it would've been even uglier because he was not ready behavior wise after 30 days. Far from it