Originally Posted by BAW81 (Post 6756504)

Wamama48 - I am very sorry for your situation. I have a young child and I'm currently divorcing my AH. I know that you are asking for advice from people who've spoken to their kids and I am not one of those people, simply because he's still too young.

That said, what is the harm in being honest with your children? At 16 and 12, I wouldn't doubt they already know something is wrong. It would probably provide them with a lot of relief if that "something" was finally addressed as alcoholism and the pretending stopped.

Tell them that because of dad's alcoholism (which has gone on for x years), mom needs her space even, though he's not drinking anymore. It has nothing to do with them and that sometimes relationships need time outs...

It teaches them that they are also entitled to take a "time out" from people that hurt them if they need to and that is OK. You are teaching them about boundaries which is a vital life lesson for healthy relationships.

They're watching you and your husband and learning how to navigate life. Talk to them, honestly. I wouldn't doubt that they probably want so badly for someone to address the elephant. Lying and pretending everything is OK, is part of the alcoholic family cycle and its horribly damaging.

Originally Posted by FireSprite (Post 6756669)

The truth.... always the truth in the most age-appropriate way. I started openly discussing addiction /codependency /dysfunction/numbing with DD (now 13) at age 5 & we've never stopped.

That's what was missing from my childhood as an ACoA - The Truth.

Originally Posted by Wamama48 (Post 6756886)

You are smart.
I feel horrible knowing I never talked to our now adult daughters about it. 😣

Originally Posted by Sleepyhollo (Post 6756808)

My kid was 6 when H went to rehab. His alcoholism was very much a secret and he kept it very well hidden from everyone but me. She never saw him drink at home and did most of it after she went to bed. He was always tired and grumpy and it was always blamed on work. That's all she knew. Rehab came out of nowhere (was mandatory for his job) and so we were not prepared to say anything more than daddy had a booboo and had to go to a special hospital to get fixed and she was good with that. I figured she'd start asking questions after we started visiting him but she never did. Towards the end of his rehab and during vacation when it was just the two of us with no distractions I finally told her the truth. I had found a couple of really good books for kids (unfortunately not in English so can't make recs for that) that explained it as a disease that adults have no control over and it makes them do things they normally would not do. Also made it clear that it has nothing to do with the child at all, nothing they did caused the adult to do this and there was nothing they could do to fix it. So told her that it was alcohol disease and people needs special help for that. She asked me a few minor questions but nothing else. I agree that it is important that they know the truth even if the AS is not admitting to it or not in treatment especially if it is the main reason for divorce. Kids know something is up and if it is the reason for divorce I think it is only fair that they know why so they don't come up with their own reasons. You don't have to badmouth the AS but explain that they have a disease and because of the disease there are problems between mom and dad and that it is a problem for the non alcoholic spouse and they can no longer tolerate it. And if the kid goes to the AS and asks why don't you get help for your disease then so be it. Maybe once the kids know they will get to a point where they consider seeking help but maybe not.

For the 16 year old (and maybe 12 year old if they're mature) have them watch Pleasure unwoven (and you as well). It is a very good documentary about addiction. Alateen or counseling to help them process. make it clear it is not their fault. I think it is important that kids know about it because they will be at higher risk for developing an addiction problem as well, especially if they already have underlying diagnosed psych issues. They needs to know that treating those psych issues is very important because not doing so will make it very likely they will turn to substances as well. With treatment no guarantee that they won't but less likely so.
at rehab they had us do the backpack exercise. A backpack full of stones and each stone was a feeling: fear, shame, sadness etc. You carry the backpack and it is heavy. Imagine exercising with it sleeping with it etc. The more stones you add to it (by keeping feelings bottled up inside of you) the heavier it gets and the more difficult it gets to do stuff in your daily life. . Once you start removing stones it becomes lighter and you will be able to function better. The idea is that many of us keep our feeling bottled up inside us and so our backpack gets heavier and heavier. The only way to make it lighter is by talking about our feeling and emotions. We were told at rehab that the say no to drug campaign is pretty useless for kids. Kids needs to learn from early on to express their feeling and should be allowed to express their feelings without being judged for it or made fun of (don't tell them they're not allowed to feel a certain way or that they cannot cry). Only by learning to do this do they lower their risk for addiction. And it is something they needs to learn. It s not something I learned when I was little so many years of stuffing my backpack is slowly getting unloaded. I think this is especially important for kids that are at risk for addiction (parents with addiction history). It is an important life skill for everyone but most people without a close relative of addiction will be less likely to become an addict. But they may become the codependent in an alcoholic relationship (like me) so they still need to learn.

My kid went to a 4 day program at betty ford which was really awesome, it is for kids 7-12 and they do an awesome job teaching about addiction. learning to talk about feelings and they also do the back pack exercise and all of this through play and games. She still goes to follow up care every 2-3 months and it is just a fun time for her.
I think it is only available in CO, TX and CA but the books they get through there are available online and it looks like they have a DVD coming out soon as well. It is a very good series to learn about addiction and talking about emotions etc. Here is the website:

you don't need to give out every little detail about whats going. Age appropriate stuff and let them ask questions. Keep it short and simple for the littles and let them ask questions as time goes on. They should be able to talk about it freely without feeling ashamed or like they will be punished. I have never told my kids she was not allowed to talk to certain people about it. She just has chosen not too. My H is now very open about it as well as it should be when they're in recovery.