He says he's sober: should I re-engage?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by atalose 
Tell him you won’t re-engage with him for at least a year and watch his reaction.
Often we become as addicted to them and the relationship as they have to the alcohol. Seriously tell yourself that you won’t re-engage with him for at least a year, no contact at all and watch your own reaction.
Often we become as addicted to them and the relationship as they have to the alcohol. Seriously tell yourself that you won’t re-engage with him for at least a year, no contact at all and watch your own reaction.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Posted this over in the "Compilation" thread a few days ago, so it came to mind for here too:
This is from a thread about repetitive behavior, returning to a bad relationship repeatedly, doing the same things over and over:
The way you are behaving is EXACTLY like an alcoholic. "This time I can control it; THIS time it will be different."
Nope, it isn't, is it? The alcoholic needs to put down the drink and YOU need to put down the alcoholic. It will never end well unless you BOTH recover. And if YOU recover, at least YOU have a chance at a decent life.
Every time you see her and rekindle all those wonderful, warm 'n' fuzzy feelings, it is EXACTLY like the alcoholic taking that first, wonderful, awful drink—relief and bliss, until the morning after.
This is from a thread about repetitive behavior, returning to a bad relationship repeatedly, doing the same things over and over:
The way you are behaving is EXACTLY like an alcoholic. "This time I can control it; THIS time it will be different."
Nope, it isn't, is it? The alcoholic needs to put down the drink and YOU need to put down the alcoholic. It will never end well unless you BOTH recover. And if YOU recover, at least YOU have a chance at a decent life.
Every time you see her and rekindle all those wonderful, warm 'n' fuzzy feelings, it is EXACTLY like the alcoholic taking that first, wonderful, awful drink—relief and bliss, until the morning after.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Clover71
One thing I would suggest - it's something I have thought about quite a bit, and have made my own decision. Would I want to live a life with someone in recovery? What would that look like and what would the struggles be for me? Is that the life I want for me?
I'd be offended if, after all of my hard recovery work as a Codie, a potential partner rejected me on the basis of being "in" recovery at all. I can potentially relapse any time, same as any addict, even if it's more subtle in the way it presents itself, even if my behaviors seem less destructive.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Personally, I would never re-engage with my xAbf. That's a personal choice but after being away from him for more than a year now (and enjoying a much healthier relationship with my current guy MrGreenEyes) I have zero desire to have xAbf in my life. Even if I wasn't with MrGreenEyes, I still would have no desire to see xAbf again. I wish him well and hope he figures his life out - but I do not want him in my life. Too much verbal abuse, manipulation, quacking, irresponsibility, and gas-lighting - too much anxiety and worry on my part. No thank you.
If I was still single, I also could not be in a relationship with another alcoholic, even a RA - I just couldn't. After having gone through it once I know my mental health suffer greatly if I dated another A. Again, this is personal choice and feeling. That's my baggage from dating my xAbf.
As others have suggested, take time away from him, No Contact, to heal and see how you feel once he has not been in your life for a good while. Chances are the further you remove yourself from the relationship the less pull it will have on you.
When I broke it off with my xAbf, I told him I wanted No Contact. He texted me anyway 3 weeks later to quack endlessly. When I told him again that I did not wish to talk with him at all, he got angry and verbally abusive and aggressive. I was shaken but then let it go and went on with my day/life. Tell your xAbf that you do not wish to speak with him and see how he takes it. That will tell you a lot.
If I was still single, I also could not be in a relationship with another alcoholic, even a RA - I just couldn't. After having gone through it once I know my mental health suffer greatly if I dated another A. Again, this is personal choice and feeling. That's my baggage from dating my xAbf.
As others have suggested, take time away from him, No Contact, to heal and see how you feel once he has not been in your life for a good while. Chances are the further you remove yourself from the relationship the less pull it will have on you.
When I broke it off with my xAbf, I told him I wanted No Contact. He texted me anyway 3 weeks later to quack endlessly. When I told him again that I did not wish to talk with him at all, he got angry and verbally abusive and aggressive. I was shaken but then let it go and went on with my day/life. Tell your xAbf that you do not wish to speak with him and see how he takes it. That will tell you a lot.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
