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Alcoholism and Physical Revulsion in Marriage (mild adult content)



Alcoholism and Physical Revulsion in Marriage (mild adult content)

Old 01-24-2018, 01:15 PM
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Awwww 180 God Love Ya! I must give you MANY kudos for going about sobriety for your OWN self... and having the you know what to come over here and ask hard questions. But what I mean was to question HH's assessment that your "list" (hey, it IS very cool!!!) should not be a low bar for women to set as the minimum LOL.
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Old 01-24-2018, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
Awwww 180 God Love Ya! I must give you MANY kudos for going about sobriety for your OWN self... and having the you know what to come over here and ask hard questions. But what I mean was to question HH's assessment that your "list" (hey, it IS very cool!!!) should not be a low bar for women to set as the minimum LOL.
Yes, that was what I was referring to. I was giving 180 kudos for the changes he has made for himself and his wife. I hope he continues to grow.

As for my H, I'm still deprived if emotional intamacy and feel at times I have to beg for it. But I'm here to support 180s positive effort.
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Old 01-24-2018, 02:50 PM
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Originally Posted by 180Man View Post
I am being proactive, packing up all of my stuff, and preparing to leave in organized fashion.

Once I am on my own. I should minimize contact. Allow her to take the initiative. Invite her out for coffees occasionally. I am going to do my best to sit with my new surroundings and the loneliness that will come with it, and focus on recovery. I still have a nicotine and, to a much lesser extent, video game addiction that I want to work on, and one of my biggest goals is to eliminate distractions from my life so that I can learn to sit with discomfort.

At the same time, I want to be sure I am doing enough to show my wife I still care about her, even if we are separated and our future is very much in doubt.

M180
IMO, I think these are all fine suggestions. Let her know how you are feeling. Ask her how she wants to proceed and respect her. Allow her to lead the relationship until she voices otherwise.
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Old 01-24-2018, 03:40 PM
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M180, it's good that you've come over here to ask these questions and that you're taking everything on board. I think your wife needs time and space. If you discuss your feelings with her and ask her about her feelings too, that will be good. I think right now is not a good time to pursue any sort of physical intimacy because she clearly said she's not ready for that -- I'm glad you apologized for the kiss.

If you are meant to be together, you will be together... in the future. Sometimes relationships don't work out... sometimes they do, people reconnect against all odds. Have faith that the future will bring what is necessary.

For now, you are in a good place because you are improving your health both mentally and physically. Keep stepping! Good work M180!
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Old 01-29-2018, 06:06 AM
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My wife got back from her meditation retreat. We ended up spending most of the day together, because our boys ended up doing other activities. We discussed what the next few months would look like. I told her that although I still very much cared for her I would be putting my head down and focusing on healing. I would not engage in any romantic propositioning, with her or anyone else.

She responded that although she still thinks about the possibility of a relationship outside of us, she currently feels drawn to investigate a life of celibacy and mystical devotion. I let her know that I completely respect that path, and suggested that provided we both remain single for the next 8 months, we were free to explore a friendship without worrying about relationship complications. She agreed, so it appears as if that is the direction we are headed (she didn't specifically agree to 8 months - just suggested at this point that she thought she would be celibate for at least that longer and perhaps forever).

I brought up AlAnon, and suggested it might be the perfect group and forum to explore both her hurt around our marriage and her workaholism. She considered this, but then responded that she would rather explore those issues through her meditation work. I did not attempt to argue here, I responded with support and will wait and make supportive suggestions as she progresses. She indicated she might be open to attending a couple of open speaker groups down the road.

So, all in all, a positive day and a positive sign that the next 8 months of healing might be done with my wife remaining a close friend, and the opportunities that come along with that to support each other.

Whether we reconcile down the road is a great uncertainty, but at this point I will continue to focus on my healing, and the space I am entering in to for the next 8 months to do so, and set all thoughts of my marriage aside as much as I can.

I am prepared to enter in to this space of discomfort and uncertainty, knowing that sitting with them without avoiding them will make me a much stronger person.

Also, FYI I am giving up all nicotine habits, video games, and Netflix binging for the next 8 months. If I am going to do this, I need to do so without finding another way to avoid dealing with discomfort, which the above would certainly offer.

Thanks all,

M180
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Old 02-07-2018, 05:04 AM
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Hi all,

Just a quick update.

I was supposed to move out last weekend but my wife is experiencing severe fatigue following the meditation retreat (she has adrenal fatigue syndrome) and has asked me to help her as much as I can. She has told me I can stay until she feels able to start taking care of herself again. I am still leaning towards moving out so that I can start setting up my own space to focus on recovery, but I will otherwise be present for her as much as she needs (likely several hours a day if the last couple of days are any indication - and this is a condition that takes weeks and sometimes months to recover from).

She has expressed that she is feeling very cared for, and I am receiving a great deal of joy being able to be of service to her.

M180
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Old 02-07-2018, 08:47 AM
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I hope she feels better soon, and that you keep on keepin on!! Best to you!
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Old 02-07-2018, 11:07 AM
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Just make sure you carve out the time you need for your self care as well. You are a fine person!

Take care!
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Old 02-08-2018, 10:23 PM
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Originally Posted by 180Man View Post
I was supposed to move out last weekend but my wife is experiencing severe fatigue following the meditation retreat (she has adrenal fatigue syndrome) and has asked me to help her as much as I can. She has told me I can stay until she feels able to start taking care of herself again.
I have been thinking about this post since I read it yesterday. From my reading and in my experience talking with co-dependent and formally co-dependent wives of alcoholics, adrenal fatigue is something that happens to quite a few of us.

Just because we are not the addict doesn't mean that we escape the physical effects of an addiction. In my case, I knew I was psychologically screwed up and co-dependent but I didn't expect physical scars. For example, myself and my children all had a totally screwed "fight or flight" response. A door slamming, a car backfiring or someone yelling in the street for example, had us shaking. This continued long after the alcoholic had been banned from our home.

Even now, almost 6 years later, I will have over exaggerated physical responses when I am afraid or when I hear a loud, unexpected noise.

Living/walking on eggshells for so long is very damaging both mentally and physically.
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Old 02-09-2018, 05:09 AM
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Me too. Living with an addict messed me up really good. My sleep is messed up. My weight was messed up. I can't focus as well. My hair started going grey and falling out. Nowadays, when I'm in a noisy environment, I find I'm suddenly unable to hear anything, like I've gone temporarily deaf.

Originally Posted by LLLisa View Post
I have been thinking about this post since I read it yesterday. From my reading and in my experience talking with co-dependent and formally co-dependent wives of alcoholics, adrenal fatigue is something that happens to quite a few of us.

Just because we are not the addict doesn't mean that we escape the physical effects of an addiction. In my case, I knew I was psychologically screwed up and co-dependent but I didn't expect physical scars. For example, myself and my children all had a totally screwed "fight or flight" response. A door slamming, a car backfiring or someone yelling in the street for example, had us shaking. This continued long after the alcoholic had been banned from our home.

Even now, almost 6 years later, I will have over exaggerated physical responses when I am afraid or when I hear a loud, unexpected noise.

Living/walking on eggshells for so long is very damaging both mentally and physically.
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Old 02-15-2018, 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz View Post
Me too. Living with an addict messed me up really good. My sleep is messed up. My weight was messed up. I can't focus as well. My hair started going grey and falling out. Nowadays, when I'm in a noisy environment, I find I'm suddenly unable to hear anything, like I've gone temporarily deaf.
@OpheliaKatz, have you considered adrenal fatigue? Everything you've listed is a possible symptom, and I've read on Al-Anon boards that it could be a result of the stress involved with living with an addict.
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Old 02-16-2018, 01:23 AM
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Originally Posted by 180Man View Post
@OpheliaKatz, have you considered adrenal fatigue? Everything you've listed is a possible symptom, and I've read on Al-Anon boards that it could be a result of the stress involved with living with an addict.
Nah. you don't say?

Originally Posted by LLLisa View Post
I have been thinking about this post since I read it yesterday. From my reading and in my experience talking with co-dependent and formally co-dependent wives of alcoholics, adrenal fatigue is something that happens to quite a few of us.
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Old 02-16-2018, 01:25 AM
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I have not considered adrenal fatigue, but I will look it up now. Thanks. :-)
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Old 02-17-2018, 09:22 AM
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Lol @Lllisa

My apologies, looks like we both had the same thought, but you clearly had it first!!

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Old 02-17-2018, 10:12 AM
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I was looking up the association of perimenopause versus adrenal fatigue. They said that it depended on the woman's age.

I joined some perimenopause/menopause support groups on Facebook. It has been a good place to get some good information overall. I am 46 years old right now.
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Old 02-19-2018, 09:23 PM
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No thanks, I have a headache.

How sexy is it when ABF drools chewing tobacco all over the pillow, doesn’t wipe himself properly, or farts like a foghorn all night long? Or how about when he is so drunk he keeps calling me by his ex-wife’s name? Oh honey, not sexy at all.
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Old 03-02-2018, 10:43 PM
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Oh yes

I came to this site to try to understand love from the alcoholics perspective.

I would love to share. It is so hard to love an alcoholic. You want to have a life and go places and be adored as a woman. But he is half gone all the time, his brain cannot plan the rest of the time. There are so many pies in the sky that never happen. So many dreams dashed. And then the inhibition of drinking causes things to happen that hurt regularly. Mean things are said, insensitive groping, boundaries crossed, the alcoholic doesn't realize you are suffering and alone by something they did and they really don't care.

I would suggest writing her a heart felt love letter, expressing the qualities she has that makes you love her uniquely. Apologize for what you are truly sorry for. If you can afford it, treat her to a spa day, no strings attached. Don't let her suffering be in vain. Be there for her come hell or high water. If you see an opening, give flowers, jewelry, plan a romantic trip. I am giving you the guide book here. She deserves it. I am telling you... she earned it.




Originally Posted by 180Man View Post
Hi,

I am an alcoholic, with 4 months of recovery in AA under my belt with a conviction to stay true to my new path, one day at a time.

After a 20 year marriage, my wife finally made the right decision to leave. It was the best decision for both of us, and what humbled me, and prompted the surrender I needed to seek help.

The last 4 months have been amazing, and my separated wife marvels at the change in me. I brought up the possibility of reconciliation, and her response was this:

"You are now the whole package, you check all of the boxes. If I met you on a dating site I would fall head over heels. But you have starved me of the emotional intimacy I craved for years, and I began feeling like your prostitute, rather than your wife. The thought of ever being physically intimate with you again makes me feel sick, I don't know if and when I might be able to feel differently. If and when that happens, I might consider reconciliation, but I don't know if that is months, years, or never."

Do any spouses on this forum have a similar experience with this feeling, and how did they deal with it? I do not want to pressure my wife in any way, but I would like to understand this as much as I can.

For myself, I am doing my best to focus on my own recovery, detach from the marriage as much as I can, and hope and allow her to find her own path to happiness, even if that is without me.

Thanks everyone,

M180
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Old 03-03-2018, 07:11 AM
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I would suggest writing her a heart felt love letter, expressing the qualities she has that makes you love her uniquely. Apologize for what you are truly sorry for. If you can afford it, treat her to a spa day, no strings attached. Don't let her suffering be in vain. Be there for her come hell or high water. If you see an opening, give flowers, jewelry, plan a romantic trip. I am giving you the guide book here. She deserves it. I am telling you... she earned it.

I’m sorry but I have to disagree with you. If the spouse was just immensely hurt by everything that might work. But when your physically repulsed by your SO that is not going to work for most people. I know for me it would’ve done quite the opposite. Even now over a year later I can’t even fathom going to lunch with him one on one or a non romantic getaway just the two of us, let alone a romantic getaway. And buying stuff would just feel like manipulation and trying to push things along. Just like the RA needs his time and space so need the non alcoholic partner to recover. I may get to a point where I want to be with my RAH but I may not. Him trying to push things along by doing those things you recommend would be a sure way to push me away.
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Old 03-26-2018, 01:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Sleepyhollo View Post

I’m sorry but I have to disagree with you. If the spouse was just immensely hurt by everything that might work. But when your physically repulsed by your SO that is not going to work for most people. I know for me it would’ve done quite the opposite. Even now over a year later I can’t even fathom going to lunch with him one on one or a non romantic getaway just the two of us, let alone a romantic getaway. And buying stuff would just feel like manipulation and trying to push things along. Just like the RA needs his time and space so need the non alcoholic partner to recover. I may get to a point where I want to be with my RAH but I may not. Him trying to push things along by doing those things you recommend would be a sure way to push me away.
My experience echoes what Sleepy is saying. I used gifts to try to make up for my neglect during our marriage, and I feel they would only have an adverse effect now and remind her of all of the shortcuts I would try to constantly take.

Likewise with writing a note. Like many alcoholics, I am a master manipulator. I lied to her face without hesitation and told and promised her exactly what I thought would keep her off my back. Authenticity, sobriety, and consistent action are the only tools I have at my disposal to demonstrate to her my commitment to work on me, and the respect that I have for her.

May as well give a quick update. Things are going very well. I was supposed to move out Feb 1 and we are still under the same roof (at her request). She has told me she is in a place where she feels she can learn to love and trust me again but that she needs more time. She still wants us to live separately for a few months, discover who we are again as individuals, and then see where we are both at towards the end of the summer. We laugh together in ways we haven't since we were dating, and perhaps not even then. We are doing home renovation projects together, and getting along incredibly well ("I could never imagine in a million years enjoying doing a project with you like this!" feels so good to me to hear.)

This is light years ahead of where we were at even a couple of months ago. I am suppressing my urges to move things along more quickly-I feel in the long run we will both be better off. It will be her need for space, and her emotional recovery that will drive where we will be in a few months, and I am okay with that. It gives me the chance to continue to just work on me. It is also part of the price I am willing to pay for my years of active alcoholism.

Keys to rebuilding a relationship that was, at one point, almost certainly over have been: staying sober (get my 6 month chip this week), staring my fear of emotional intimacy and negative emotions full in the face (AA and meditation have provided me huge support here), and authentically engaging with W without my enhanced emotional ego armor on (AA and sobriety have been huge for this). It has been a great ride so far, I feel I have learned to love her and respect her in whole new ways, and realize that what I thought was love when I was under active addiction was something entirely self serving and not love at all the way I am beginning to think of it now.

Cheers all,

M180
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Old 03-26-2018, 01:43 PM
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280man...sounds like you are beginning to learn......
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