Alcoholism and Physical Revulsion in Marriage (mild adult content)
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It sounds like she wants time alone and not to be courted. Take life as it comes. If life puts you together let her make the realizations how you have changed before she discusses dating. One needs a year working on yourself. Four months are great, congratulations. More time is needed though for both of you.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by hearthealth 
It sounds like she wants time alone and not to be courted. Take life as it comes. If life puts you together let her make the realizations how you have changed before she discusses dating. One needs a year working on yourself. Four months are great, congratulations. More time is needed though for both of you.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi,
If I can ask, what exactly have you done, to date, to show her you care?
...
She told you she looked up this old flame out of pure loneliness. If you are ok with that - well you are. Or you can step up.
If I can ask, what exactly have you done, to date, to show her you care?
...
She told you she looked up this old flame out of pure loneliness. If you are ok with that - well you are. Or you can step up.
My wife announced her separation from me in the last week in September 2017, with plans for one of us to move out in January of 2018 (this is happening next week). On Sept 30 I had my rock bottom moment, as I drank my sorrows away, and starting crying like a baby recognizing that alcohol was poisoning me, was a cause of the breakup, and that all of my previous efforts to achieve sobriety had failed (and there were many, included two efforts that lasted around a year each). This was my last night of drinking, and my new AA Birthday.
On Oct. 2, I headed to AA, not knowing what to expect. Got my 24 hour chip and decided that I would commit to the program. I have been to at least 3 meetings per week since. That same evening I enrolled in a meditation class, and have been meditating almost daily since.
In the second week of October I started reading Divorce Busters, a fantastic book about trying to turn a marriage around. One of the key pieces of advice is changing up patterns. Since reading this book:
- I began accepting any criticism she gave me, rather than give in to the instinct to defend myself.
- I began praising her for all that she did, rather than pick out the parts I felt she did not do well enough (what my dad always did with me).
- I began listening attentively, and engaging in meaningful conversation, something I rarely do with her.
- I took over all housework and cooking (I cook a lot, but never ever cleaned the house).
- I began taking interest in her interests and activities, something she was amazed at and never thought possible.
- Bought her the most thoughtful Christmas gift (according to her) she had ever received from me.
I did all these things while sober, and found much to my own amazement, that I enjoyed doing them (I always dreaded doing ANY of the above prior to my 180).
The above led to a period of emotional intimacy between us that we had not enjoyed in several years. She started saying things like "I love you" "Maybe there is a chance for us" "I never thought I would be able to enjoy a Christmas this much with you" "If these changes are permanent maybe there is a chance for us after all."
This all lasted until I tried to kiss her near the end of December, at which point she made the prostitute comment and put up boundaries to prevent us from been close.
Since then the boundaries have softened, and we are enjoying a close friendship, but we have argued a few times about the old flame she is talking to.
That about sums up the efforts I have been making to repair the relationship and make amends to her.
The downfall on my part is that by doing so I grew TOO close with her, and let my attachment to her affect both my recovery, and the distance I needed to provide her to heal.
Hope that helps,
M180
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by 180Man
This is a great question, and one I thought I answered earlier in this thread, but I'll go in to detail.
My wife announced her separation from me in the last week in September 2017, with plans for one of us to move out in January of 2018 (this is happening next week). On Sept 30 I had my rock bottom moment, as I drank my sorrows away, and starting crying like a baby recognizing that alcohol was poisoning me, was a cause of the breakup, and that all of my previous efforts to achieve sobriety had failed (and there were many, included two efforts that lasted around a year each). This was my last night of drinking, and my new AA Birthday.
On Oct. 2, I headed to AA, not knowing what to expect. Got my 24 hour chip and decided that I would commit to the program. I have been to at least 3 meetings per week since. That same evening I enrolled in a meditation class, and have been meditating almost daily since.
In the second week of October I started reading Divorce Busters, a fantastic book about trying to turn a marriage around. One of the key pieces of advice is changing up patterns. Since reading this book:
- I began accepting any criticism she gave me, rather than give in to the instinct to defend myself.
- I began praising her for all that she did, rather than pick out the parts I felt she did not do well enough (what my dad always did with me).
- I began listening attentively, and engaging in meaningful conversation, something I rarely do with her.
- I took over all housework and cooking (I cook a lot, but never ever cleaned the house).
- I began taking interest in her interests and activities, something she was amazed at and never thought possible.
- Bought her the most thoughtful Christmas gift (according to her) she had ever received from me.
I did all these things while sober, and found much to my own amazement, that I enjoyed doing them (I always dreaded doing ANY of the above prior to my 180).
The above led to a period of emotional intimacy between us that we had not enjoyed in several years. She started saying things like "I love you" "Maybe there is a chance for us" "I never thought I would be able to enjoy a Christmas this much with you" "If these changes are permanent maybe there is a chance for us after all."
This all lasted until I tried to kiss her near the end of December, at which point she made the prostitute comment and put up boundaries to prevent us from been close.
Since then the boundaries have softened, and we are enjoying a close friendship, but we have argued a few times about the old flame she is talking to.
That about sums up the efforts I have been making to repair the relationship and make amends to her.
The downfall on my part is that by doing so I grew TOO close with her, and let my attachment to her affect both my recovery, and the distance I needed to provide her to heal.
Hope that helps,
M180
My wife announced her separation from me in the last week in September 2017, with plans for one of us to move out in January of 2018 (this is happening next week). On Sept 30 I had my rock bottom moment, as I drank my sorrows away, and starting crying like a baby recognizing that alcohol was poisoning me, was a cause of the breakup, and that all of my previous efforts to achieve sobriety had failed (and there were many, included two efforts that lasted around a year each). This was my last night of drinking, and my new AA Birthday.
On Oct. 2, I headed to AA, not knowing what to expect. Got my 24 hour chip and decided that I would commit to the program. I have been to at least 3 meetings per week since. That same evening I enrolled in a meditation class, and have been meditating almost daily since.
In the second week of October I started reading Divorce Busters, a fantastic book about trying to turn a marriage around. One of the key pieces of advice is changing up patterns. Since reading this book:
- I began accepting any criticism she gave me, rather than give in to the instinct to defend myself.
- I began praising her for all that she did, rather than pick out the parts I felt she did not do well enough (what my dad always did with me).
- I began listening attentively, and engaging in meaningful conversation, something I rarely do with her.
- I took over all housework and cooking (I cook a lot, but never ever cleaned the house).
- I began taking interest in her interests and activities, something she was amazed at and never thought possible.
- Bought her the most thoughtful Christmas gift (according to her) she had ever received from me.
I did all these things while sober, and found much to my own amazement, that I enjoyed doing them (I always dreaded doing ANY of the above prior to my 180).
The above led to a period of emotional intimacy between us that we had not enjoyed in several years. She started saying things like "I love you" "Maybe there is a chance for us" "I never thought I would be able to enjoy a Christmas this much with you" "If these changes are permanent maybe there is a chance for us after all."
This all lasted until I tried to kiss her near the end of December, at which point she made the prostitute comment and put up boundaries to prevent us from been close.
Since then the boundaries have softened, and we are enjoying a close friendship, but we have argued a few times about the old flame she is talking to.
That about sums up the efforts I have been making to repair the relationship and make amends to her.
The downfall on my part is that by doing so I grew TOO close with her, and let my attachment to her affect both my recovery, and the distance I needed to provide her to heal.
Hope that helps,
M180
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 20
Old flame lives an hour and a half away.
My wife was honest with me, said she really had interest in jumping in to something in which she felt desired and appreciated, but then backed off recognizing that she needs a lot of time to heal too. She hasn't stopped speaking with him, but told him it would be a few months before she knew where she would be at in terms of initiating a relationship.
He is someone that has a lot of the same interests as her, but also has a history of broken relationships.
My wife was honest with me, said she really had interest in jumping in to something in which she felt desired and appreciated, but then backed off recognizing that she needs a lot of time to heal too. She hasn't stopped speaking with him, but told him it would be a few months before she knew where she would be at in terms of initiating a relationship.
He is someone that has a lot of the same interests as her, but also has a history of broken relationships.
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Pray... and follow.
You're doing great. One day at a time. Believe in miracles... yet let go of any preconceived notions of what they may be.
My husband and I hold hands... we find playfulness and joy wherever it crops up... we are building a relationship on our friendship... and for me, that is all I'm able to give for now.
You're doing great. One day at a time. Believe in miracles... yet let go of any preconceived notions of what they may be.
My husband and I hold hands... we find playfulness and joy wherever it crops up... we are building a relationship on our friendship... and for me, that is all I'm able to give for now.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi,
If I can ask, what exactly have you done, to date, to show her you care?
Seems to me if someone is serious about showing up, they show up. If you are hoping for a reconciliation, you need to show up. You need to show her how important she is. Do you take her out to a nice quiet place where you can talk? Do you send her flowers to show her you are thinking of her. Do you do things just to make her happy.
If I can ask, what exactly have you done, to date, to show her you care?
Seems to me if someone is serious about showing up, they show up. If you are hoping for a reconciliation, you need to show up. You need to show her how important she is. Do you take her out to a nice quiet place where you can talk? Do you send her flowers to show her you are thinking of her. Do you do things just to make her happy.
I get what your saying but I think him helping out around the house, cooking etc that isn't so personal probably goes over much better. If and when she is ready she will get closer to him. It really should be on her terms. He may not like that but you can't force feelings or love. It will just create more resentment IMO.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
You agreed to move out in the end of January and then you tried to kiss her. That would just mess with her head. If the guideline for us is not to do the Tango then she needs to be able to decide to. She is allowed to see who she wants female or male. If we should limit contact with our ex the same should go for her, whether you like her idea or not.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by hearthealth
You agreed to move out in the end of January and then you tried to kiss her. That would just mess with her head. If the guideline for us is not to do the Tango then she needs to be able to decide to. She is allowed to see who she wants female or male. If we should limit contact with our ex the same should go for her, whether you like her idea or not.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by 180Man
I totally agree with this. If I had maintained friendly boundaries and left her distance in the romantic area, we might be in a far different space today. I was even given that advice, but I mistook her emotional intimacy for something more than it was - I guess not really a surprise since emotional intimacy is pretty much new to me.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by hearthealth
It sounds like you are learning as you go. Have you apologized for the kiss? Told her what you told us? The latest list was impressive. I do think it's promising she hasn't totally ruled out never but she may just not want to say never out loud yet. Keep giving yourself and her time for recovery. More will be revealed.
M180
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Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Sleepyhollo
I get what your saying but I think him helping out around the house, cooking etc that isn't so personal probably goes over much better. If and when she is ready she will get closer to him. It really should be on her terms. He may not like that but you can't force feelings or love. It will just create more resentment IMO.
I'm really sorry you are in such a hard situation.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by 180Man
I did apologize, and we even got to a point where she joked about it a little bit.
M180
M180
I appreciate you taking the time to detail your progress. It really is a great start. Also good to hear that your new found tool(s) are giving you some happiness (as well as your wife).
I think you are on the right track, you are doing everything you can and that's all you can do!
I agree with hearthealth about the emotional vulnerability I think that was a really good point.
With most alcoholics the partner, many times, is really prohibited from expressing themselves/questioning things, for fear of kicking the hornet's nest. I don't know if that was the case in your relationship but it doesn't hurt to explain yourself sometimes.
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Thanks everyone. Can anyone suggest how to approach moving out and how to relate with my wife afterwards? I am being proactive, packing up all of my stuff, and preparing to leave in organized fashion. This is the opposite of what I did last time we separated - drag my heels, whine and complain (and drink) until the very last opportunity.
Once I am on my own should I minimize contact? Allow her to take the initiative? Invite her out for coffees occasionally? I am going to do my best to sit with my new surroundings and the loneliness that will come with it, and focus on recovery. I still have a nicotine and, to a much lesser extent, video game addiction that I want to work on, and one of my biggest goals is to eliminate distractions from my life so that I can learn to sit with discomfort (as a wise poster suggested earlier in the thread).
At the same time, I want to be sure I am doing enough to show my wife I still care about her, even if we are separated and our future is very much in doubt.
Thanks again all,
M180
Once I am on my own should I minimize contact? Allow her to take the initiative? Invite her out for coffees occasionally? I am going to do my best to sit with my new surroundings and the loneliness that will come with it, and focus on recovery. I still have a nicotine and, to a much lesser extent, video game addiction that I want to work on, and one of my biggest goals is to eliminate distractions from my life so that I can learn to sit with discomfort (as a wise poster suggested earlier in the thread).
At the same time, I want to be sure I am doing enough to show my wife I still care about her, even if we are separated and our future is very much in doubt.
Thanks again all,
M180
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Hi, 180Man.
Welcome again to SR.
She knows how you feel, i believe.
She just doesn’t want it right now.
I would give her lots and lots of space as you continue to work on your recovery.
Enjoy your new space. Make it your own.
Think about doing things you would have never done while you were drinking.
I found being of service to others very satisfying, post drinking.
Volunteer somewhere, maybe?
Welcome again to SR.
She knows how you feel, i believe.
She just doesn’t want it right now.
I would give her lots and lots of space as you continue to work on your recovery.
Enjoy your new space. Make it your own.
Think about doing things you would have never done while you were drinking.
I found being of service to others very satisfying, post drinking.
Volunteer somewhere, maybe?
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi all.. after all this chatter. ridding home in the car one of our best songs came on. I screwed that sound up so loud.. you could not hear me sing and cry at the same time.. walked in that front door locked it. Eddie Lee raised an eye brow I took him by the collar and walked him back ward into the bedroom kids and beans there was a lot of bouncing going on.. he slept better I was up in 45 minutes and made dinner and cleaned house.. but it was nice... maybe one needs to be the stronger all the time.. hey Stand Tall Hold the High Ground and hit those High Notes to the Ceiling.. laugh people come on we are all big kids here. laugh and say that Lady Clown is at it again.. but I do feel so much better. ahahahahahahahahah
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Originally Posted by Maudcat
Hi, 180Man.
Welcome again to SR.
She knows how you feel, i believe.
She just doesn’t want it right now.
I would give her lots and lots of space as you continue to work on your recovery.
Enjoy your new space. Make it your own.
Think about doing things you would have never done while you were drinking.
I found being of service to others very satisfying, post drinking.
Volunteer somewhere, maybe?
Welcome again to SR.
She knows how you feel, i believe.
She just doesn’t want it right now.
I would give her lots and lots of space as you continue to work on your recovery.
Enjoy your new space. Make it your own.
Think about doing things you would have never done while you were drinking.
I found being of service to others very satisfying, post drinking.
Volunteer somewhere, maybe?
She definitely knows how I feel, I just want to walk that fine line between giving her space, and showing her that I care. I guess I can ask her, and go radio silent on her if that is what she would like. I just don't want to do that if it reinforces the emotional absence she has experienced for much of our marriage.
Tx,
M180
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Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by hearthealth
The latest list was impressive.
- I began accepting any criticism she gave me, rather than give in to the instinct to defend myself.
- I began praising her for all that she did, rather than pick out the parts I felt she did not do well enough (what my dad always did with me).
"- I began listening attentively, and engaging in meaningful conversation, something I rarely do with her.
- I took over all housework and cooking (I cook a lot, but never ever cleaned the house).
- I began taking interest in her interests and activities, something she was amazed at and never thought possible.
- Bought her the most thoughtful Christmas gift (according to her) she had ever received from me."
If so, that is a very low bar to call "impressive" in a relationship IMO. That should be table stakes at best. It's sad when a woman/partner has been so beat down for so long or just otherwise they feel insignificant and not deserving of respect they think this is "stepping up to the plate" and "impressive" from their SO. Please take that to heart.
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Sorry I haven't participated for some time on the board but this one jumped out at me. Is this the "latest list" referred to a impressive?:
- I began accepting any criticism she gave me, rather than give in to the instinct to defend myself.
- I began praising her for all that she did, rather than pick out the parts I felt she did not do well enough (what my dad always did with me).
"- I began listening attentively, and engaging in meaningful conversation, something I rarely do with her.
- I took over all housework and cooking (I cook a lot, but never ever cleaned the house).
- I began taking interest in her interests and activities, something she was amazed at and never thought possible.
- Bought her the most thoughtful Christmas gift (according to her) she had ever received from me."
If so, that is a very low bar to call "impressive" in a relationship IMO. That should be table stakes at best. It's sad when a woman/partner has been so beat down for so long or just otherwise they feel insignificant and not deserving of respect they think this is "stepping up to the plate" and "impressive" from their SO. Please take that to heart.
- I began accepting any criticism she gave me, rather than give in to the instinct to defend myself.
- I began praising her for all that she did, rather than pick out the parts I felt she did not do well enough (what my dad always did with me).
"- I began listening attentively, and engaging in meaningful conversation, something I rarely do with her.
- I took over all housework and cooking (I cook a lot, but never ever cleaned the house).
- I began taking interest in her interests and activities, something she was amazed at and never thought possible.
- Bought her the most thoughtful Christmas gift (according to her) she had ever received from me."
If so, that is a very low bar to call "impressive" in a relationship IMO. That should be table stakes at best. It's sad when a woman/partner has been so beat down for so long or just otherwise they feel insignificant and not deserving of respect they think this is "stepping up to the plate" and "impressive" from their SO. Please take that to heart.
I did do a lot lot more than that list however, including being an active and "good" father (according to her - I did all the school and sports activities etc.), did all the renovations and repairs around the house, purchased and managed several rental properties, and was always supportive of her at work (I came to all functions, made friends with her co-workers etc.) I was also always faithful to her. Pretty much from all other perspectives I think I was a decent partner, but obviously emotional intimacy and my share of the menial housework are two pretty huge Xs in my past, and ones I am willing to take full responsibility for.
M180
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