velma929

There were periods when the only time my husband acknowledged me was when he wanted to have sex. Not only unappealing, infuriating.

Hangnbyathread

I will try to not be too blunt about this. Mostly because it seems you are truly on the road to recovery and I know you want to regain a life lost.

Look damage was done. It may be rebuildable but as you pointed out it has to be on her terms.

There are a few things that came into play for me when it happened. So food for thought for you.

1. Trust has been broken. That may or may not be able to be rebuilt. I'm sure I could have stuck it out with my ex but in my heart, I knew I could never trust her again, even if she never did anything again, that damage was there. I could have stayed and tried to figure out ways to adapt to those feelings, but in the end, she lost my trust, and I didn't think giving her a pass would do anyone but her any good.

2. Its about self respect. She has to feel good about her decision to work this out and maintain her own sense of personal worth. Again anyone can stay in something if they want to prove they can, but that doesn't mean they'd right that feeling about themselves.

3. Sexual revulsion. In my case sex was used as a tool with me. It wasn't about having sex to be with me it was about using sex like alcohol. A means to escape whatever it was that needed escaping. If I said no, she'd just go get it elsewhere, usually within a few hours. Its hard to ever feel like sex was ever going to work again. It goes back to the first 2 items. Its all interconnected.

I could have put on a good display of things being in the past, but at some point it came down to, how will I feel about myself if I did.

If someone violates the very foundational values that make up a relationships and you let it go, it makes you question yourself and your values. Why let someone disrespect me and I take them back? If I would have violated her trust, beliefs etc, I'd expect a consequence.

I can love someone, wish them the best, and hope they have a good life, but not at the cost of how it makes me feel about myself.

She may not recover from this. If she doesn't, its best for you both to move on and build a life of your own while respecting the reasons that the previous one broke.

dandylion

Thinking back on all of the relationships that I have had....once I lost that loving feeling .....it never returned again.....
There is a great classic song that describes this-----
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...6&&FORM=VDRVRV

DontRemember

Just keep working on YOUR recovery! I'm sure the old flame news made you want to grab a drink or 20! I know when I found out that I was being cheated on the last two months of my 'relationship',that I ended, the thought crossed my mind at a year sober,BUT that's not my problem nor my solution to the best life *I* can have. No matter what happens with you two,drinking will solve squat! I'd also suggest not trying to 'prove' your sobriety to her. That's none of her business anymore. She's basically told you, in a very nice way, that she's now going to do whatever she wants to make herself happy without you,so besides drinking, I suggest you do the same. I'm not trying to blast her at all.. I get where she's coming from,but your hanging on for hope is very dangerous to your sobriety. She's already let go, I suggest you do the same.

LLLisa

...and after all is said and done when anyone says "NO" to sex it is a complete sentence. The reasons behind a person's NO are theirs and theirs alone and they do not have to explain their NO to anyone.

180Man

Thanks, as always, all for the additional thoughts.

I went out with a good friend today who asked me why we even got married. We were young evangelical Christians, and the truth is we got married because we wanted to start having sex. This is obviously not a solid foundation for marriage.

As I've been doing since I started my recovery process, I am doing my best to start being honest with myself (self deception and rationalization coming so easy to my alcoholic self) and I am wondering whether I am really in love with my wife, or just in love with being with her?

She is smart, pretty, has a very well paying job, and is a great mother, but we are so fundamentally different (I am the life-of-the-party michievious type, she is a reserved introvert (Mennonite background) that comes across as cold and indifferent to most who meet her). There is no judgement here, we are vastly different people, and what we need most of all is to decouple, find out who we both are, and decide whether we are even a good fit for each other (regardless of the physical intimacy issues).

I need to be honest with myself here, and think about this. For both of our sakes I cannot work hard to repair our marriage once I am far enough in recovery, only to discover that the emotional distance between us was only enhanced by alcohol, and rooted in something fundamentally different - that we married young for the wrong reasons, and are simply vastly different personalities.

Thanks all,

M180

hopeful4

I just want to say that I think it's really great you are working your own recovery, and that you are trying to figure all of this out. So many times, when a person hears rejection, they just want it that much more. You are laying out ways to work your recovery, and be honest with yourself about figuring out what you should want in a marriage. Well done.

It takes courage to come and post here about all of this, I am really glad you are going the extra mile to understand your wife and yourself, if you stay together or not.

dandylion

180man......It IS a big adjustment to get used to not having something/someone that we have gotten used to for 20years. We even miss our enemies, when they aren't around, any more. It takes some time to adjust.

there are many, many marriages that were undertaken for reasons that fel very compelling, at the time...but, ultimately were not compatable....just look at the divorce rate...
In fact, I would say that m y own first marriage fell into that category.
I sought a divorce...and, I have not regretted that decision, all these years, later.
I did, later find a most wonderful love.....

Hawkeye13

Sometimes growing apart isn't "failure" but that you were only meant to be
with each other for a limited time.

I have had relationships like that--long ones.
You grow and learn, and then let each other go with love.

Wishing you the best and a happy outcome whatever the final decisions.

OpheliaKatz

THANK you! Finally a man who says "that's not all I want". I've been told repeatedly that for men, not having sex is a deal breaker; and "but men are different, the only way they experience intimacy is through sex." Usually women tell me this... oddly enough... . So I guess no one is having moonlit walks by the beach.

CentralOhioDad

The last time I had sex was 7 years ago. In dealing with an active A, and a now-7 year old active boy, and being in am in my 50's, there isn't enough energy for anything else but getting through each day with some sanity still intact!

A moonlit walk on the beach with a non-alcoholic sounds completely lovely.

COD

OpheliaKatz

Thank you so much for saying this. I totally felt this way.

hearthealth

I would be happy if my husband and I could just walk the dog together beach or no beach.

DrunkenFlower

I have two kids with my alcoholic ex. Our kids are still little. We are still young, and should be able to enjoy an amazing sex life together. But, I don't want him to touch me, look at me, or even comment on my looks. When he tells me "you look beautiful today" I literally shudder. I used to think we had a good intimate life, but now I don't think I know what a good intimate relationship really is. We have only barely broken up, and still lived with each other for a while after. There have been so many occasions when he thought we could just "bang" for old times sake. He is so handsome, but the thought of being with him again makes me want to run screaming! I can only imagine how a woman would feel after 20 years. I think I'd rather give up intimacy all together than be with him again. I used to even have thoughts that I hoped he wouldn't stop drinking so that I never had to wonder if we should stay together.

So sorry to be negative. I am proud of your ability to commit to a sober life. I just know exactly how she feels, and hope she doesn't have to feel like that ever again. It is absolute torture.

ardy

Hi all. this is a great bit of life to touch on .. yep.. drinking and drugs. and what will not work a lot or often. in a marriage... it was great it was grand. for 10 years of our marriage. and then they added the morphine... I turned a lot of me off.. in hopes of waiting for the right moment.. and then the screaming would start and the fighting and the fear that I would not see the next day as a breathing person..
one thing is so very true. when a Man forgets why he married the lady.. the person that was the apple of his eye... the reason that something pulled up and pointed north... when that happens when he forgets that she needs to be danced abit before the toss around for 30 secs... of time.. when he forgets that this thing called sex was fun at one time.. and that there was a mystery a magic to it.. the Wife has to turn so much off... from the inside out and then just becomes a watchfull victim of a thing called marriage..
miss my Eddie Lee and the fun we had.. even now coming home from work I am in the car with the radio and music makes me think of times before.. what to make for dinner what to do while dinner is cooking. if you get my drift and the music what we played in the toss around time... and then I walk in the house and most of the time its all down hill. or I can hear what is going on inside as he is mad at the tv or face book page. and know I have to be carefull... funny right this moment as I close my eyes softly I can hear a whisper of play a nudge that ment lets have some fun.. a feeling that someone loves me so much.. know how hard that is to turn off so much.. I need a tissue.. for ... it will have to wait until another time .. maybe another life... not going out and looking for something else what the Hell for..
love my Eddie Lee so much. and just have to turn it off unitll another time.. yep....prayers kids and beans love and hope . for as you get older we are a strange breed of elderly.. I know what David Cassidy's Wife went thro and tried so hard to hang on to until it was just to much... and there are times I know when my Eddie Lee is no more at least I can turn on the feeling and listen to the music and dream of times gone by ... and know that he is not lost or in pain or forgetting why... just hold on to each other.. try to remember why before you have the problem and the mind just can't do that anymore.. please.. a Lady Clown with a Man of Music....... listen close your eyes slowly can you hear. it.. I can..

HTown

Four months is still early. Congrats on that, and life is so much better going forward sober.

That being said, once a woman loses respect for you, that is it. in my opinion. That is what happened with me and my ex. You need to be the man you need to be in spite of your wife or circumstance. Build your own self worth not relying on anyone else. Sure it is hard with no sex, but you have work to do in your recovery. You frankly should focus on little else but recovery. Take the focus off of your wife and focus on you. Get new hobbies, go to the gym. Plan a life you want 5 years from now. She may notice, she may not, but there is a lot of space between you two caused by the alcohol, you need to grow into a better man and fill up that space.

dandylion

Oy.....I spent two days looking for a better recording of the Riighteous Brothers classic song......
Here it is:

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...3&&FORM=VDRVRV

Blueskies18

Oh my goodness! This is me! A few weeks ago I was feeling very sorry for myself, because I spent the first nineteen years of my life with parents who were not there for me emotionally, and then the next thirty years with a husband who is not there for me emotionally. I realized that I am craving that kind of love and I even bought a children's book that I read over and over again as a child that was about unconditional support and love. My husband tells me he loves me every day, and he told me with so much emotion the week before he went to rehab, but it's more of a needy love, like he cannot survive without me. It's not what I need. I told him a few weeks ago that I suffer from depression at times. He said he never knew this and he's so sorry. Neither of us had to remind him that we have been together for thirty years and the subject has been brought up be me from time to time. When he comes out of rehab, I won't expect this to change. I wrote about this in my journal, and decided that if things were different for me I would love myself more. So that is what I need to work on now. But I degress. I admire a person who takes a break from this and decides that she is worth more. I understand her words in the original post. If I were as selfish (or perhaps incapable of loving me the way I need when he has his own demons to deal with) as my husband is with his emotions, I'm pretty sure he would have left me decades ago. Problem with me is that I go overboard with giving my time and love, so that I have none left for me. We are both a bit messed up. Thanks

Hangnbyathread

This sums up my first and only marriage. We were young and in love with a lot of romantic ideas we shared. As we age, we define ourselves differently, go in new directions. Sometimes they match,sometimes they don't. In the end what we had in our youth was a lot of starry eyed romantic ideals. In the end we were pretty mismatched in a lot of ways. This doesn't need to be an addiction related epiphany. In fact the addiction may have in fact clouded the reality of things and sustained you for this long.

trailmix

Hi,

If I can ask, what exactly have you done, to date, to show her you care?

I realize the point of this thread and your contributions over the last few days are just ideas that are going through your head that you are working on, which is of course a good thing.

Seems to me if someone is serious about showing up, they show up. If you are hoping for a reconciliation, you need to show up. You need to show her how important she is. Do you take her out to a nice quiet place where you can talk? Do you send her flowers to show her you are thinking of her. Do you do things just to make her happy.

You can focus on your sobriety as that is a number one priority, but in all this recovery - stuff - people rarely talk about the other person and that maybe they need you too. Surely you have the capacity to do both.

While sobriety is number one, it is said over and over here, I don't think that should give anyone carte blanche to completely self-serve. People have great capacity and looking out for the person who has stood by you for X number of years is also important.

She told you she looked up this old flame out of pure loneliness. If you are ok with that - well you are. Or you can step up.