Enabling
 

It is not the end of my world because my alcholic Husband decided to drink on Saturday.......I was with him.....and we were at the new Neighbors house and he held out till late at night......and everyone there was drinking.......I didnt feel comfortable and it wasnt my place to start an arguement with him in front of the new neighbors at there house......but my look must hav said it all...........he decide to have two glasses of wine.........

Last weekend he drank Friday and Saturday........and than was sober.......the rest of the week till this past Saturday......I was with him and I know that is all he had was two small glasses of wine.....I know that I shouldnt be scared this is something he owns.......he couldnt stop at one glass.......he had to have two.......

This is really hard for me.......because I am trying to let go of all this.......I dont want to be his mother anymore......I dont want to tell him he cant drink......everyone there knew because of me he wasnt drinking.........they dont know of our situation....and I didnt want to bring it up........the new neighbors new how I felt about drinking.......and they seen my look when they offered it to him.........I became defensive right away, when they questioned me.....and they said nevermind......after I gave a look that must have been awful.......I told them that it is his choice to drink or not......I am not going to tell him what to do......How do you handle something like this........I wanted to tell them, but I just couldnt......

I dont feel like I enabled him.......did I?.......I know he knows how I feel..........

Gracey,

I think you have an expectation that he shouldn't drink b/c you have asked him not to.

Well, that would be controlling him, wouldn't it? You certainly can't control who offers your husband something to drink and you shouldn't tell your neighbors that they can't.

If he wants to, your husband is going to drink, no matter how you feel about it.

So, what do you do? Can you accept it? If not, it's time for you to make changes, not him.

Gracey -

Enabling is not letting the A suffer the consequences of his actions. It is not your place to talk him into not drinking or to make sure he doesn't drink. It doesn't work.

Maybe your H thought the same thing you did - that if he just stopped drinking, all his problems would be solved. Maybe now he realizes that isn't true. He has an option to get help and work on his problems. He chooses not to take that option. That is HIS choice. It doesn't have anything to do with you.
L

He just called me and asked me if he could go to the movies tonight with his friend............(?) this is just plain wierd........

I know let it go.........this is his choice........I cant babysit him........

Its like a kick in the stomach........only because I am letting it affect me.....and because I am projecting the future.......

Sounds like my AH. As a matter of fact, he quit drinking last Saturday, after a night of bingeing. He started taking Antabuse. He could only take it for 3 days because it gave him diarrhea. I looked up side effects and this was not one of them. Of course, he started drinking again this Sunday. I refuse to go to places with my husband where his friends are getting drunk. I am miserable and they know he won't get drunk with them because I'm there.
He asks me if he can have one beer. It is not my place to tell him no. I just don't want to be there when he does. I know he can NEVER have just one.
I know how you feel. My husband has no friends that don't drink. I really loved this guy at one time. Now I am not so sure I love him. I just want to be happy.
Debbie

I think that I am one miserable person...........I came home and wanted to talk to him about what movie he was going to see...........he was sleeping when I came home but I wanted to talk to him before he went...I wanted to ask him what movie and questions that I just shouldnt ask him..........and he got pissed at me and said that I just ruin all his fun........he doesnt even want to go now..........I told him to go and have fun.........I didnt mean it.......I dont want him to go I wanted him to stay home with me..........I suck.........I dont like who I am with him......but I think I would be the same way with anyone........I am obsessive......I dont trust him but I dont think I would trust anyone.......I dont like his friends, but I dont think I would like any of his choices who he wants to hang out with......

When I say I hate him........like I am thinking right now........am I really saying I hate myself for acting like an immature brat......because he wants to go to the movies with his friend.....I think so......Life is hard because I am making it hard.......I no that I am focusing on him when (what) I could be cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids and the dogs..........no I cant do any of that right now.......because I am to upset and sick of all this BS.....BS that I bring upon myself........I am trying to change......erggggggggg

Gracey, you need to get the focus off of him and onto yourself. I don't know if you attend meetings or are in counseling but you're right, you are obsessed with him and you need to deal with the issues that have caused you to be overly attached to him. I've been where you are so I understand the helpless feelings and not being able to do things or think about anything but him. It's time to start taking care of yourself and your emotional well-being. You can change but sometimes we can't change ourselves by ourselves.

Hugs,
JG

(((Gracey)))

Do you want him to stay home with you because you enjoy his company or so that you don't have to worry that he is drinking or cheating?

I don't think that you bring the BS on yourself. What he is doing is not your fault. He is responsible for what he is doing. You have every right to not trust him - he's proven he's not trustworthy. You are not crazy for feeling the way you do.

You also have a right to acknowledge those feelings and turn them into something productive for you. He chooses to let his anger and his drinking control his life. You don't have to let it control your's too.
L

Gracy- Hugs to you. You have a right to be uneasy when he goes out with friends. He has lied and cheated on you. Frankly it woulf be just dumb to trust this man. What you need to do- and this is extremely hard to do- is try to detach from him completly. This man is mentally abrusive to you. If he would leave, I think you would find peace. I would not question him about anything he does. Basically ignore him aND MAKE A LIFE fOR YOU AND YOU CHILDREN AND YOUR DOG. If he gets in you face, tell him you are busy and walk away. If a man has cheated and wants to stay married, the standard treatment is for him is to account for all his actions until you feel safe. This is not going to happen with your husband. He does not care. Sorry to be so blunt. I hate to see such a loving compassionate person like you being dumped on. dax